Boycott the Caf / How to Stay a Virgin

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How to Stay a Virgin

You are reading a humor article on the internet, so there is a 90% chance that you are a virgin. You should keep it that way too. Why? Let me tell you why, God loves virgins. If you're a virgin it triples your chances of getting into heaven. You might not go to church or not not have impure thoughts of your 5th grade music teacher, but if you're a virgin you pretty much have to kill a guy before God decides to send you to bath in the lake of sulfur.

Now, staying a virgin ain't as easy as you may think. There's a lot of temptation out there. Maybe somebody is drunk, or being dared to sleep with you, there's even the slight chance they find you attractive. I know you don't have the will power to actually resist sex with a lady, so the only way to preserve your sanctity is to make sure temptation stays away from you.

Step 1: Appearance

The first impression you project is important for driving away women. Many women are shallow. Even the ones who are not shallow will have standards, so this is a good area to start.

Let's begin with shirts. Do you own any shirts with wolfs on them? If you don't do know a souvenir store where you can get one? You only need one. People who wear wolf shirts will wear the same one everyday and rarely, if ever, wash it. Nothing drives away girls like a cheap smelly wolf shirt.

If you cannot find a wolf shirt then Anime shirts are a good alternative. The trouble with this is that some girls like Anime, so they may approach you. To avoid this make sure your anime is not one popular among girls. Avoid Inuyasha, Pokemon, or anime that had wide spread popularity like Cowboy Beebop. Find some obscure anime that never even made it to America. Consider it a bonus if it features a cartoon girl barely wearing any clothing. That is creepy and sexist and if there is one thing that is universally disliked by women its creepy sexist men in Anime shirts.

When you have a good collection of shirts designed to drive away women the rest of your outfit doesn't really matter. I would suggest those big black pants they sell at Hot Topic since it never hurts to look extra douchey, but really anything as long as it is not washed very often is fine.

Your personal hygiene should also resemble your desire to never feel a boob. Think of the longest period of time you have gone without bathing, can you double it? That is a great start. When you do shower make sure you wash your hair with plain soap, not shampoo. That will keep your hair greasy and get a good dandruff base going. You should make sure to never wash your towel. It'll get nice and smelly, which means that you're covering yourself with stink right after washing.

There are different ideas on how your hair should look. Some feel that never cutting your hair is the way to go. It makes you look lazy and it will get super greasy. On the other hand rock stars and other famous people will have long hair. Critics of long hair think you are better off getting a stupid haircut. This shows that while you are trying to look nice you are too inept to do it successfully. A nice bowl cut definitely makes you look like something no self-respecting girl will talk to. Really it comes down to whether you think incompetence or laziness is less sexually appealing.

You may want to consider growing a beard but only if you are unable to grow a good beard. A beard that is patchy and uneven will look great, and by great I of course mean repulsive. Make sure to never trim it. That way you get a nice Amish look.

To top everything off your body shape should be as undesirable as possible. If you are skinny then stop eating so that you become grotesquely skinny, like a skeleton. If you're a bit hefty then grab some food and chow down. You want to gain enough weight to get a huge pot belly. Never go to the gym or work out. You wouldn't want to form some muscle would ya? Make sure you carry the weight poorly by slouching all the time.

Step 2: Hobbies

Any hobbies you have should envelope your entire life. Archery might sound fun and rewarding, but can you do it for 12 hours a day? You can play World of Warcraft for 12 hours a day. You can plan Dungeons and Dragons campaigns 12 hours a day. You can write slash fiction 12 hours a day. Maybe you should rethink archery and choose something a little more time consuming.

You need a life consuming hobby because the more time you devote to the hobby the less time you have for social interaction. Social interaction can lead to talking to girls and talking to girls can lead to sex and a one way ticket to the devil's block party.

When you do end up talking to a girl make sure you talk non-stop about whatever hobby you have chosen. Make sure to ignore any disinterest and attempts to change the subject from her. Even though you are basically talking to yourself get passionate. Start shouting about how Fallout 3 is inferior to the original two games. Really make the person you are talking to question your stability.

There is a good chance that you will run into a female who enjoys the same hobby as you. Don't worry; you can still drive them away. Upon hearing that they like the same thing as you should continue talking about it. This might seem like the way to make a connection with the person through shared interest, but your goal is to obsessively talk about this one subject to the point that it makes her go insane. Keep bringing up the fact that you think it's so cool that she like Star Trek, or collectable card games or whatever. Ask really obscure questions that she probably doesn't know the answer to. Follow her around, when she starts a conversation with somebody else push your way into it and then bring up your hobby again. It's almost easier if the girl has a shared interest as you because you will come off as even more creepy and annoying when you keep bringing up Firefly when she only has a passing interest in it.

Step 3 Alternatives to Sex

You aren't having sex but that doesn't mean you're a eunuch. You still have testicles producing semen and that semen has got to go someplace. That's why you need alternatives to sex. In many cases these alternatives can also work to prevent you from having sex.

Porn is a great way to get you rocks off. The internet is an obvious source of porn, but don't discount having actual physical porn on hand. The advantage of physical porn is that people can find it, which leads to people being disgusted by you. The larger the collection the better. Nothing turns a girl off more then realizing you have three closets and a spare bedroom filled with boxes of old magazines and videos.

For those of you who decide to go with a more virtual route make sure to type the URLs into the address bar. You should also practice not erasing search results or deleting history. Saving your favorite pictures to the hard drive in a many megabyte folder will certainly bring horror to whoever finds it. Just make sure the pictures are all legal, you don't want to go through all this hard work just to lose your virginity in prison.

Having a bizarre fetish is always good for keeping your virginity. Everybody has something that gets the motor running. Some like blondes, others enjoy latex, maybe you enjoy something so bizarre that once others hear what it is they will avoid you like the plague. Have you considered a pee fetish? Not only is being aroused by urine strange but you will probably end up smelling like pee which will only help you. A feces fetish has a similar effect. You could go even farther and be into farts or sneezing so that even most perverts will think you're strange.

To further ensure your virginity I would suggest buying a real doll. A real doll is too large to easily hide and is sure to disgust anybody who sees it. They will probably tell their friends how they know this pervert who has sex with plastic, so this could be seen as a first strike strategy. If you live in a small community you may find people holding back laughs and looks of disgust as soon as the meet you without need for you to go any further.

Bringing it all Together

Sex is great. That's why so many people have it. Studies show that 9 out of 10 people you meet will someday have sex. Studies also show that 9 out of 10 people will be eating dinner with the devil. Be an individual. Be unique. Be a virgin. Sex makes life great but you shouldn't be focused on this life, but rather the next life. Jesus never had sex and look at him now! You too can be like Jesus, all you have to do is repulse or drive away and women you gives you a second glance.

I know you can all do this. You have the power. Use it, use it well.