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Hulk Rules

Wrestlers are cool folks. They have long hair, have big muscles, and solve all problems with violence. Kids love them and even if you aren't a fan you can probably name a few. At the very least you can name Hulk Hogan.

Hulk Hogan is one of those few wrestlers to transcend wrestling. He is more then just a wrestler, he is an entity. Between the movies, TV shows, many endorsements and noodle restaurants at Mall of America there is not one person in the free world who has not been touched by Hulk Hogan in some way.

It is inevitable that somebody with the exposure of Hulk Hogan would release an album. Successful people for some reason always feel the need to start singing. Maybe its fun to pretend to be a rock star. Maybe it's a cheap way to make money. Hulk Hogan did his duty and released an album called Hulk Rules with his band Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band. Lets take a look.

Hulk Hogan: Rock Star

Hulkster's in the House

Hulkster's in the House is the obvious choice to start out the album with. For one thing how is the Hulkster suppose to rock our faces if we are inside and he is outside? This song firmly establishes that he is in the building. Hulkster's in the House is also not the worse song on the album, which might not sound like a rousing compliment, especially given the competition, but its something at least.

Most of the song consists of the line "When the going gets rough the rough get tough hey hey ho ho come on lets go." According to this one lyric site I went to they also say "Get up off your seat/ he's got to beat his meat" but I think that was just somebody being a trickster.

Notable Lyrics

We're rocking down the house.
The band is playing loud.
We're blowing off the roof.
And we're gonna rock and roll

You might notice that none of those lines even remotely rhyme. All the other lines the song end in rhymes until you get half way through the song and they just throw this in your face. "And we're gonna rock and roll" manages to come off in such an awkward way that it makes you stop and think just how terrible this song truly is. No matter how much you're trying to like the song, or just ignore it, as soon as "And we're gonna rock and roll" comes out of the speakers it makes you stop whatever you are doing and say to yourself "This truly is a horrible song."

I don't think that's what Hulk Hogan was going for.

American Made

American Made is Hulk Hogan's WCW theme song. I don't believe this song was written by The Wrestling Boot Band. For one thing Hogan used this as his theme song before the band released it's album. Secondly it sounds like it was performed by people who knew how to play music.

It is impossible to listen to American Made without thinking of Real America, Hulk Hogan's WWF theme song. The songs are similar except that Real American is bad ass and American Made is a rip off of a bad ass song, which is significantly less bad ass since bad asses tend to be cool and cool people are always innovators. Also Real American was written by Rick Derringer who produced music for Weird Al, who was in UHF with Michael Richards who played Kramer in Seinfeld. If you're playing seven degrees of Jerry Seinfeld American Made will not be as helpful as Real American.

Hulk Hoga: Noodle Chef

Notable Lyrics

He's got to be inspected, he's US grade.

I realize its hard to reference the United States as many times as this song does, but do you really want to say that Hulk Hogan is suitable to make a steak out of?

Hulkster's Back

Hulkster's Back is the story of Hulk Hogan moving to California and winning the WCW championship from Ric Flair. At first I thought maybe the song was biographical in nature. When Hulk Hogan left the WWF for WCW he beat Flair for the championship in his debut match. It makes even more sense considering Hulk Hogan makes references to originally being from the south. WWF is based in Conneticult while WCW traditionally was considered to be a southern federation and was based out of Atlanta. The trouble is that Flair dropped the belt to Hogan at a pay per view event in Florida. I'm still trying to figure out if Hulk Hogan saw a beach and assumed Orlando was in California or is he just needed a word that rhymes with share.

Hulkster's Back is a rap song. This is because rap is easy to perform for people who aren't musicians but insist on making an album. Singing requires hitting various notes but if you rap all you have to do is talk normally while a beat plays and technically it is rap. It also helps if you're like the Hulkster here and randomly say things like "What up dawg" and "Ride my Harley D in the wind brotha" that have absolutely nothing to do with anything being rapped about.

Notable Lyrics

California is the place I have to be

Then a speech in the pit really set me free

The first part I get but I have no idea what "a speech in the pit really set me free" is suppose to mean. I swear, that's what he is saying. Did the Hulkster get advice from Satan? When he tells children to say their prayers who exactly does he want us to pray to?

Wrestling Boot Traveling Band

A wrestler can't continually play songs about how much he likes to beat people up and rock and roll without it growing stale. Hulk Hogan knew that if he wanted to reach audiences world wide he would have to warm their icy hearts with a cool island song, thus Wrestling Boot Traveling Band was born. Please note that the band that Hogan plays with is called the Wrestling Boot Band. Either the word Traveling was mistakenly left of the album cover or this song is about an entirely different Hulk Hogan related band.

Notable Lyrics

And she thought the bass player was cute.

Hulk Hogan of course is the bass player for the Wrestling Boot Band. Jimmy Hart sang this song so they must have added that line since Hulk Hogan can't go an entire three minutes without his ego being placated some way.

Bad to the Bone

George Thoroughgood's Bad to the Bone is not only an incredibly accessible rock classic, but Hulk Hogan's gravely voice would probably be a great compliment to it. If this were a cover I would imagine Hulk Hogan would have had literally drowned in the money he made. Instead we get a Wrestling Boot Band original about riding motorcycles. You know its about motorcycles because the beginning of the song is just a bunch of motorcycles revving. The only way it could be more annoying is if it was being played on the street outside my house at 3 am.

Holk Hogan: Pokemaniac

Notable Lyrics

The girls all know it's a boy's night out

A bunch of leather clad bikers on a "boy's night out" together without any women. Bad to the bone indeed.

I Want to be a Hulkamaniac

I cannot figure out if Hulk Hogan is serious with this song. The chorus is: "I want to be a Hulkamaniac/ have fun with my family and friends." What the fuck is that? I don't care that the album was targeted to kids and Hulk Hogan was probably high during every part of the production, who could without irony, include that line into a song? It doesn't help that every instrument in the song appears to be a synthesizer combined with a larger synthesizer either.

Ironic or not this is by far Hulk Hogan's greatest contribution to humanity. Nothing takes a party to the next level like throwing this into the dance mix. You got a bunch of people bumping and grinding then suddenly Hulk Hogan is rapping about how you should always go swimming with a buddy. Studies show that the party will erupt into either thunderous applause or racial violence.

Notable Lyrics

I want to be a Hulkamaniac

Have fun with my family and friends

I realize I already talked about this line but damn it, how can you top it?

Beach Patrol

The song is about how Hulk Hogan likes the beach but doesn't like people looking at his girlfriend. I think by girlfriend he meant his wife, or maybe one of his daughter's friends. What I do know is that according to the song she wants Hulk to give her some mouth to mouth resuscitation which means she is probably a poor swimmer.

A mystery even greater then the identity of the woman Hulk is boinking in the sand is the nature of the Beach Patrol. It would seem that when Hulk Hogan goes to the beach he calls himself the Beach Patrol. That's what I gathered. The narrative of the song is pretty much Hulk Hogan meets mystery girl, listens to a boom box while walking down the beach, then threatens a lifeguard because the lifeguard is looking at the girl. That just sounds like an average day at the beach. Very little patrolling seems to be going on. The fact that the chorus tells us the beach patrol likes to "party party party" makes me doubt its authenticity as an enforcement entity even more.

Notable Lyrics

You know this home boy could lose control,
You just don't mess with the beach patrol.

There's just something wrong about a white man in his forties calling himself a home boy. There is nothing wrong however with being told that you don't mess with the beach patrol. That's just sound advice

Hulk's the One

Hogan's wife Linda sings this love song about how Hulk is the only man for her. This, like pretty much every other song on this album really, sounds like it is straight out of the 80s. Hulk Rules was made in 1995 but the songs are definitely straight from the 80s. it's a shame that they aren't from the early 90s because who wouldn't want to hear Hulk Hogan in a grunge band?

Notable Lyrics

You're the one. (You're the man) The only one.
Hulk's the only one for me

Repeat for three minutes. That's the entire song.

Hulkster in Heaven

Legend has it that a Make a Wish kid Hulk Hogan had invited to watch a show in Wembley Stadium died before he was able to attend the event. When Hulk Hogan heard the news he was inspired to write a ballad about how he and this fan would meet up in heaven one day. Its actually a little creepy when you think about how this is usually a promise reserved for lost lovers, not little boys.

I wonder if all Hulkamaniacs get to tag up in heaven with Hulk Hogan or just this one? If its all of them then my six year old self would probably have jumped in front of a bus. Hulk Hogan and Li'l Johnny tagging up against Satan and The Undertaker in Madison Square Garden of Eden.

Notable Lyrics

The world just lost another Hulkamaniac.
I wish Hulk's love could bring you back again

If Hulk's love could raise the dead then I'm pretty sure that would make him the messiah and he should probably be walking around healing the blind and tearing down synagogues, not delivering devastating leg drops and sinning about dead wrestling fans.

Hulk Rules

Hulk Hogan is in a band named after himself that has a song about how much he rules. Hulk Hogan is a man of modesty. After all its not like he himself is singing the song. Obviously other people must think he rules and insist on telling him he rules through song. That's the only explanation.

This song is pretty confusing because the first half is about how Hulk Hogan will kick your ass and the second half is about how he will help you. They never tell you what the determining factor in if you will be beaten up or saved is. I think it has to do with how willing you are to sing songs about Hulk Hogan.

Despite the song being called Hulk Rules the phrase Hulk Rules never appears. They do sing "Hulkster rules" quite a bit though. Don't bother asking why they just didn't name the song Hulkster Rules. I'm sure the answer would just make your head hurt.

Notable Lyrics

He'll stand up for your freedom, he'll stand up for your rights

Hulk Hogan is like the ACLU. He will defend any infraction on constitutional rights he sees.