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You Can't Tell Me What to Do! You're Not My Real Father!

You can't tell me what to do! You're not my real father! You are always breathing down my back telling me to do this and DO THAT. I don't want to do this or DO THAT. I want to be free. You're always getting on my case, riding me, trying to tie me down with ORDERS and RESPONSIBLITIES. Well, I'm not going to listen to you. You can't tell me what to do! You're not my real father!

God, I hate this place. When I am 18, I am so out of here. I don't care that I'm 24 and haven't moved out of here yet. It's not like you would care. You're not even my real dad.


You tell me to get a job. WHY DON'T YOU GET A JOB!? Question mark and EXCLAMATION POINT! I mean get a second job, in addition to the full time job you already have to pay for this house, so I don't have to see you between 5pm and 9am! Maybe I want to watch Wild On! with Brooke Burke in peace without my step-dad WHO IS NOT MY REAL FATHER coming into my bedroom and asking me to please put my pants on and help with some yard work. Stop trying to tell me what you want me to do when you didn't even take part in my birth!

I should get a job? You should GET BENT.

Hey, Greg, my man, can you loan me seven bucks? I want to go see X-Men Origins: Wolverine tonight. Mom said you should. I need to borrow the Mazda too.

What? You want me to pick up milk at the store after I'm done? You think I'm your slave who has to do whatever you command? You can't tell me what to do! You're not my real father! I want to be free. Free as a bird. Like a duck. I am going to be a duck. So QUACK YOU!

You have no authority to make a request from me when we don't even share any genes!

What did you say to me! Please come down for supper? What? How about I don't have time to follow your Fascist schedule? I am busy reading Twilight. You should be busy going to hell.

I need new shoes. Someone buy me new shoes. No, not those stupid cheap crappy gay ones that are on sale. I need the super cool expensive Nikes that will help me jump so I'll be good at basketball. Don't you care about me being good at basketball? What do you mean you never see me practicing on that hoop and half court you set up in the backyard! Well duh! I can't play basketball until I get my super sweet new Nike shoes!

Come on!

You don't understand me! You don't know what it's like to be me and what I'm going through! You're not my real father!


What? WHAT? WHAAATT???? You just asked me to please take out the garbage. Take it out where? I'm not a mind reader! If I was I would read your mind and it would say you have no memories of penetrating my mother 24 years ago because YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FATHER!

Take the garbage out to the curb? Eew. You want me to touch a bag of garbage and carry it all the way to the end of the driveway? Do you know how disgusting that is? I have to touch GARBAGE? Where am I? Communist Russia?

I don't care if there is no communist Russia anymore. Only my real father can tell me about late 20th century world events. Shut up about George HW Bush while you are at it too.

I can't even play my music like I want to. I'll put a Toto tape in my tape player and turn up the volume and then you will knock on the door and ask me to please turn it down a little.

You can't tell me what to do! You're not my real father! I will play “Georgy Porgy” and “Rosanna” as loud as the one working speaker on my tape player will go. That music speaks to me and MY LIFE!


I am out of here.

I am leaving.

I'm going to live with Beth. She understands me. My grandma Beth and me have a bond you don't understand because she's not your mother because YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FATHER! So nah!


We're going to get away from YOU and you're REPRESSION and be free. We'll follow our dreams, the dreams of music. The dreams of ROCK. We're going to start a band. Grandma Beth always likes Frank Sinatra and I like Toto. We'll be the PERFECT MATCH!

Don't tell me it would be good if I saw Grandma more often! You're not my real father!

Kiss this!

MY butt!

I am so out of here. I don't need you. I can get by on my own. Grandma has her Social Security check and I have my ten dollar a week allowance. I am going to pack my bags and then I am GONE!

Where are my pants? In the laundry? All of them? All three of them? Darn. When are you going to finish the laundry?

Ok, I can wait.

I need to borrow the Mazda to go to Grandma's. Can you give me money for gas, too? I spent my allowance on a plush duck toy and fake dog poo.