Cereals Ranked Based on Importance and Unnecessary Sugar ContentMy name is Matthew S, and if there's two things you should know about me it's that I once fucked a dog and that I am a fan of cereal. I even say it in my "About Me" on Myspace (my love of cereal, not the dog fucking), and a person's "About Me" means absolutely everything about that person. That is if anyone actually uses Myspace any more. Point is, I love cereal, and often times people ask for advice on good cereals and where to get them; similar to drug dealing. And since getting calls about it at four AM is getting a tad bit annoying, I figured I would share my wisdom and knowledge with you, so you can maybe be a cereal dealer as well, and maybe know a thing or two next time you get to that aisle of the store.
Description: Corn flakes spiced up for cool kids with frosting. I don't know what the frosting is though. it might be dried semen.
Good Points: The dried semen tastes very good.
Bad Points: Tony the Tiger is a bit arrogant. yeah, they're good, but I can't say they're great. It's called humility, buddy.
Summery: Tigers make good, if not "grrrrrrrrrrrrATE!" cereal.
Description: A weird leprechaun gives us a unique hybrid of oats and marshmallows in the form of charms and hexes.
Good Points: The marshmallows are delicious. The fact that people are always after his Lucky Charms helps people get exercise to help the obeisity problem in this country.
Bad Points: The oats are not as delicious as the marshmallows. the oat-to-marshmallow ratio is definitely off. Plus knowing they're magically delicious makes me feel like a devil-worshipper. I would suggest making Jesus their mascot, and saying they're "spiritually delicious".
Summery: Regardless of in which way they are made delicious, be it magic, divine intervention, or by Satan's hands himself, they are delicious.
Description: A giant ass cuckoo bird brings us chocolate flavored Kix. No, seriously. It's just Kix with chocolate added.
Good Points: It's chocolate flavor spreads to the milk, helping to give it some soul.
Bad Points: They're not as chocolatey as what they could be. if Sonny the cuckoo bird is always doing extreme sports, then why can't his cereal be extreme with chocolate? Hypocrite.
Summery: It's a reliable cereal, though unfortunately I am not cuckoo for it.
Description: A crazy old man is captain of his own cereal. Only in breakfast food, folks.
Good Points: It has a very unique taste, and is instantly recognizable for it's treasure chest cereal pieces. Yeah, did you know those yellow squares are supposed to be treasure chests? Me neither.
Bad Points: It cuts the roof of your mouth, and it doesn't make the best milkshake. Yeah, fuck you Carl's Jr and your crazy God-playing. A cereal is a cereal, damnit.
Summery: Mr. Crunch deserves to be made Admiral for his years of dedicated service to the cereal.
Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch
Description: In the first attempt to move into uncharted waters, the Cap'n made his cereal peanut butter-flavored, and the world would never quite be the same.
Good Points: It's awesome!
Bad Points: Too expensive.
Summery: Now this is what I'm talking about!
Description: Yabadabado! Flintstones cereal for you!
Good Points: It's colorful, as hell. Assuming hell is a very colorful place, which I'm pretty certain it's not. Plus the old slogans used to say that in order to get them, you have to trick Fred. This makes it feel like it's a game to get the cereal, and is more fun when you have it despite it not being a game at all and requiring no actual trickery on your part.
Bad Points: It gets stale fast. Plus because of it's name, it makes me feel gay when I eat it. And then I get scared, which makes me feel like I'm a homophobe. It's a very confusing cereal.
Summery: regardless of how it makes me feel when i eat it, I do enjoy eating it. And no gay pride parade or old man laughing at me and calling me names can take that away.
Description: A rabbit gives us fruit-flavored Kix. man, Kix really gets screwed over. Tons of cereals take it and add crap to it and is way more popular because of it. Okay, it's only two cereals, but still. And don't ask me what a rabbit has to do with it.
Good Points: Just like that fat girl who's always been in love with you, it will always be there no matter what you've done to it.
Bad Points: I don't like putting soggy shit in my mouth, thank you. And why can't we just give the rabbit some cereal?? Like, I don't mind tricking Fred; he's an asshole. But the rabbit has never done anything wrong. His name's in the cereal; why can't we just give him some? They're not just for kids!
Summery: Despite their elitist, almost nazi-like attitude towards certain people, it is a very tasty cereal.
Reeses Puff Cereal
Description: Kids rejoice as they can finally answer the question "Reeses? For breakfast?".
Good Points: It's the best cereal ever. B
ad Points: It's apparently illegal to have sex with it. Who knew?
Summery: Cocoa Puffs+Peanut Butter Crunch= High score.
There you have it; one pervert's view on cereal. But this isn't all of my thoughts. I didn't even mention Count Chocula. But I'll save the old count for another time. But until then, remember it's not the amount of sugar in your cereal, but rather the amount of sugar in the cereal in your heart. Fuck you, that makes sense.