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The Celebrity Apprentice 3

Donald Trump
For this week's task, the teams had to create a marketing plan for Bratz Dolls, a wonderful brand I'm a big fan of. Then, the teams had to go out and sell Bratz Dolls on the streets of Manhattan. Conan, you like Bratz Dolls, don't you?
Conan O'Brien
I love all my dollies!
Donald Trump
You're great Conan. Now, let's see how the teams did. Bob Saget, you were the Project Manager of Farty Hard. Do you think you're team won?
Bob Saget
We made more money than a transvestite hooker working Capital Hill on Friday night.
Donald Trump
What won't this guy say? Bob, you're great, and pretty confident about your team. I like confidence. But more importantly, I like winning. Do you think you won? Ivanka tells me your team worked well together.
Bob Saget
Yes, we did. Everyone did what I asked without whining. Things could not have gone better.
Donald Trump
Great. Is this true, Geraldo?
Geraldo Riveria
Yes, it did. Everyone did what Bob asked without whining, especially me. Things could not have gone better.
Donald Trump
Who was the all star of your team?
Geraldo Riveria
Geraldo.
Bob Saget
Everyone gave 100%. But I guess if I had to pick someone, it would be Steve-O. That guy is just a crazy, creative animal and knows how to get people's attention. Dancing around in a pink speedo outside the Carnegie Deli really brought in the crowds.
Donald Trump
Good job, Steve-O.
Steve-O
Wazzuppp!!!!!
Donald Trump
Venus, I hear you raised the most money out of anybody on either team.
Donald Trump
I'm Serena Williams.
Donald Trump
That's right. You brought in a third of Farty Hard's total donations. Who was your biggest donor?
Donald Trump
My sister, Venus.
Donald Trump
Serena, you're a champion. That's what matters. Now Ivanka is going to tell us what the Bratz executives liked and didn't like about your marketing effort.
Donald Trump
The executives liked your advertisement. They thought that the giant image of Steve-O shoving Bratz Dolls up his butt got consumers' attention and also fit in well with the image the company wants when people think of Bratz. However, the executives also wished that your advertisement had been skankier.
Donald Trump
Hmm...It's a mixed reaction. Bob, what charity are you playing for again?
Bob Saget
That would be the Unfunny Comedians Support Network. It's a charity that is very near and dear to my heart.
Donald Trump
That's great. Now let's look at the other team, Pixie Power. Conan, you were the Project Manager this week. What charity are you playing for?
Conan O'Brien

The Diaper Distress Fund. Millions of adults were never properly potty trained as little children and have to wear diapers well into adulthood. But sometimes these poor souls have used up their last diaper and don't have anyway to get a fresh one and then they have to go to work or their school or popular late night show. The Diaper Distress Fund will get them a new diaper before they have an embarrassing accident.

Donald Trump
That's great. I understand you're team had a lot of problems.
Conan O'Brien
Problems, oh dear? No, we did very very super good. We drew pictures of dollies and then we sold people dollies. Pixie Power!
Conan O'Brien
When I came into to check on your team, I found you cowering under the table crying while Mike Tyson was attacking Jesus. I also smelled feces.
Conan O'Brien

The dollies scared me and I had to hide.

Donald Trump
What do you have to do in this project, Tila?
Tila Tequila
Nothing. I don't ever do anything...in my whole 48 years of life.
Donald Trump
The important thing is that you are hot. What's your breast size?
Tila Tequila
28 DD.
Donald Trump
That's hot. What type of panties are you wearing?
Tila Tequila
A pink thong.
Donald Trump
That's hot. Your Wikipedia page says your a bisexual. Is this true?
Tila Tequila
I only ever date men, but I'll kiss another girl if a camera is around, so yes I am.
Jesus Christ
(muttering) That's not what a bisexual person is.
Donald Trump
Mike, why did you attack Jesus?
Mike Tyson

It's like, you know, it's just the way it is, you know.

He was asking for it.

Jesus Christ
That's not true.
Donald Trump
How to you justify attacking Jesus? I mean, it's Jesus. The man is a wimp.
Mike Tyson
Look, I'm the biggest celebrity here. I don't need these questions.
Donald Trump
Correction: I'm the biggest celebrity here.
Jesus Christ
???
Donald Trump
What did the Bratz people say about Pixie Power?
Donald Trump Jr.
The complimented Conan. They thought he was really able to understand the mind of a little girl. However, they did not like the ad campaign at all. The Bratz executives were disappointed that there was no nudity, unlike with Farty Hard.
Donald Trump
What were the money totals?
Conan O'Brien
Farty Hard sold 3,455 dolls for a grand total of $66,500.
Donald Trump Jr.
Pixie Power sold zero dolls for a grand total of $302.
Donald Trump
Good job, Farty Hard won. And Bob, you'll get $66802 for your charity, the Unfunny Comedians Support Network.
Bob Saget
Thanks. I--I mean my charity, could really use the money.
Geraldo Riveria
I did it team!
Conan O'Brien
Yippie!
Donald Trump

Now get out of here, Farty Hard. Go enjoy yourselves.

Conan, I need you to pick two teammates to come back for elimination. One of you will be fired.

Conan O'Brien
Oh...um...oh...um...
Donald Trump
Conan, I need you to make a choice.
Conan O'Brien
I'll choose Mr. Tyson and Jesus.
Donald Trump
Why are you sending Tila out?
Conan O'Brien
I don't like to be around girls.
Donald Trump
Ok, Tila, you can leave. We'll see you in the next task. And don't forget your shake your sexy ass for me as you leave.
Tila Tequila
Sure thing, daddy.
Donald Trump
Now, let's figure out what went wrong. The Bratz executives really didn't like your marketing. Who was in charge of the marketing?
Jesus Christ
I was.
Donald Trump
Why wasn't the advertisement skankier? This is Bratz we're talking about.
Jesus Christ
I refuse to participate in something like that. Young girls have enough body image issues from Barbie dolls. I wasn't about to take part in anything that is so much worse.
Donald Trump

Fair enough, Jesus, but you lost, so you're wrong.

Moving on to the money total. Pixie Power got absolutely creamed in fundraising. What happened?

Mike Tyson
I raised the most money.
Donald Trump
Of course you did, Tyson, because you're a champion. How did you raise so much money?
Mike Tyson
I beat up a guy on the street and stole his wallet.
Donald Trump
That's the outside the box thinking that's made you the champion. Why did you attack Jesus?
Mike Tyson
Cause look at him. He's a little bitch. He needs his bitch ass beat down.
Donald Trump
That's understandable. How many fights have you been in?
Mike Tyson
58 boxing matches and 112 times when I just beat up someone on the street.
Donald Trump
How many of those wins were knock outs?
Mike Tyson
44.
Donald Trump
Impressive. Don't you think that's impressive, Jesus?
Jesus Christ
He attacked me!
Conan O'Brien
The fact remains that you had notes from Bratz about what kind of marketing they wanted and then you ignored those notes. Don't you think that was a big reason for your teams loss?
Jesus Christ
No, because nothing else ever matters in these competitions except the amount of money raised.
Donald Trump Jr.
But you also raised less money than the other team. And because the other team raised more money they were able to have more money in the end.
Donald Trump

Don Jr., go into your corner with you juice box. The adults need to talk now.

Jesus, one thing we can't deny is that Mike Tyson is a champion. Mike, would you hit Conan?

Mike Tyson
I would never hit Conan. He looks too much like a beautiful woman, and I never hit women. I am planning on raping him, though.
Donald Trump
Conan, who do you think should be fired?
Conan O'Brien
Oh dear. Oh dear.
Donald Trump
What is that smell? Conan, did you poop your pants?
Conan O'Brien
I have to plead the fifth on that!
Donald Trump
I've made my decision. Jesus, you're fired. Get out go.
Jesus Christ
Fine. Good bye.
Conan O'Brien
You made the right choice, as always.
Donald Trump Jr.
I agree.
Donald Trump
I don't know much about the guy, but Jesus really doesn't fit into the business world. Which is unfortunate, because business is the only thing that matters.