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Welcome to the Jungle

[Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3]

Guns N Roses is awesome. If you disagree with me then fuck you, go listen to Appetite For Destruction. I have a DVD with all the Guns N Roses videos on it. I don't know why, I think it was a Christmas present. I've never actually watched all the videos because there's a ton of them and who cares about any music video that isn't "November Rain"?

In the interest of science I am going to review all the videos on the DVD. As far as I can tell their aren't any videos from The Spaghetti Incident?, which I am thankful for. I'm going through chronological order so you can see how Axl Rose evolved from a rock star with a lot of heart to a pretentious asshole with way too much money to spend on music videos

Welcome to the Jungle

"Welcome to the Jungle" starts out with a young Axl Rose getting off the bus in the big city. What big city? I assume L.A. although my experience with big cities is limited. The biggest city I've ever been to is Green Bay, so really I assume anyplace with a bus stop is a big city.

Axl stops looks into a store with a bunch of TVs in the window. In front of the store is Slash drinking from a bottle. This isn't a joke or something to make Slash look like a cool rock star. He just started drinking during the making of the video and was way too drunk to move when they filmed this scene.

The camera zooms in on the TVs and the band is suddenly playing a concert. Axl Rose has poofy hair. I heard in an interview that he considered this his "hair metal" hair and the reason he has it is to distinguish between the young innocent Axl who got off the bus and this cold party hearty Axl who is in a hard rock band. I think the room they filmed these scenes in was just really humid.

Intercut with the concert footage are pictures of police officers, soldiers, and bikini women. To the untrained eye this might just seem like a group of random images but the truth is they are.

The early days of picture in picture.

During the scenes were the band in playing on stage Axl is suddenly shirtless for a few seconds. I guess that's how shirt rolls in the jungle. Shirt's one second, none the next.

Getting back to the video's barely existent story, Axl is watching two more TVs then before, and also in a straight jacket. This is a powerful message about how cities are like jungles and cities make you crazy and stuff, cause, you know, pop culture and things on television are always causing stuff to happen, I guess. Yup.

As the video winds down we see the young hayseed Axl is now the same as hard rock Axl. I believe the message is that watching music videos turns your flannel into leather and your hair cut into a stupid haircut.

Rating: 8 /10

It rocks hard and has a message but luckily the message is subtle enough that we can all ignore it.

Sweet Child O Mine

"Sweet Child O Mine" starts with people talking to each other and moving stuff around. I like this because it's like GNR are saying "Hey, we had extra film. This is what it looked like while we set up." One of the first things I noticed is that in some of the shots everything is a grainy black and white. That camera must have been broken.

The story behind this song is that Slash decided to play some circus music during rehearsal, everybody loved it, and that became the beginning of "Sweet Child O Mine". Slash hated playing the song because he had just been screwing around. Thing is, Slash seems to hate a lot of things having to do with GNR like all the videos and Axl Rose. He only stuck around for the booze money.

In the video Axl dances around like Davey Jones. It's a tribute to Axl's most influencal mentor.

Axl has sunglasses on top of his bandanna. This unique fashion decision makes Axl look like a huge douchebag.

Shots of the crew and people watching keep creeping in. None of them seem excited to be watching GNR performing. They must have all worked on a lot of music videos or something. Think about it, how jaded must you be with your job where you don't have any kind of reaction to watching Guns N fucking Roses performing live? They could at least be smiling or bobbing their heads to the beat.

Fun fact: When Axl starts singing "Where do we go now" it really has nothing to do with anything else he has been singing about up to this point.

Rating 9/10

Where do we go now? We go to the place where songs that get a nine go bitches!

Paradise City

The first two GNR videos mainly showed the band performing on stage. To buck the trend "Paradise City shows" the band playing on stage, in a stadium!

It starts out black and white, although not grainy so it must not be the same broken camera from the last video. When Axl starts singing everything becomes color like The Wizard of Oz except Dorthy was more masculine then Axl.

To keep us, the viewing audience entertained a video needs more then just the band playing. The video for "We're Going to be Friends" is just Jack and Meg White sitting on a couch while he plays the song and that video sucks balls. GNR keeps the excitement going by showing footage of the band looking bored backstage, walking around, and what appears to be a nude Slash playing guitar. Then we get to see time lapsed photography of the stadium they are in filling up with fans. This all builds up to GNR playing in front of a packed stadium and rocking the house down!

At one point we see a towel get thrown at Slash. At a White Stripe's concert Billie threw a piece of gum on stage. Jack White looked at the gum and I assume came back out after the concert was over to pick it up and eat it. I need to stop talking about The White Stripes during this song review.

Oh, the song ended while I was talking about The White Stripes. How about that

Rating 8/10

Another solid effort by GNR I just wish they would throw in some variation with their videos.

Patience

The premise of the video for "Patience" is that the band is sitting around playing music in a recording studio that looks like an attic. We are also suppose to pretend that Axl Rose's whistling at the beginning of the song isn't dumb.

You can see the producer raising the volume on Slash, because Slash, unlike Axl, isn't whistling like an idiot.

Maybe their will be some story. We get intriguing shots, a woman in a hotel lobby, a hall, and a hotel room. What is the story going on? Now Slash is in the bed in the hotel room playing with a boa constrictor while a woman undresses, wait what?

I think that's Mene Gene Oakerland! Looks like Cyndi Lauper didn't have the monopoly on WWF stars in music videos in the 80s like I thought.

You know, it was bad enough in the other video where the people watching Guns N Roses looked bored. Here the band doesn't even seem interested. Axl even has the lyric sheet out in front of him as he performs. Come on man, you can at least memorize the song before it comes time to shoot the video.

Slash doesn't even interested when a bunch of attractive woman in their undergarments teleport into his room. He just sits their playing with the snake and ignoring them.

Uh, by snake I mean the boa constrictor, not his penis.

Axl does not have patience because he smashed a glowing phone for some reason. He then watches a tv that is showing footage from previous GNR music videos. Its not a specific video though, just random shots of all the previous videos. It must be some sort of 'best of' montage.

Rating 2/10

I don't care for "Patience." It's my least favorite song off of Lies and I'm pretty sure half the songs on that album are Aerosmith covers. "One in a Million" should have been the single. I don't care if he says nigger in it, it's a better song. Black people don't listen to rock anyways.

[Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3]