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Welcome to the Jungle

[Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3]

Don't Cry

Awesome sauce; it's time for GNR videos to become way more elaborate as Axl decides to masturbate his ego on MTV. "Don't Cry" starts out with a baby. The camera zooms in on its eye which I guess is where the video takes place. Axl is dressed for a renaissance fair and is walking in a blizzard carrying a bottle and a revolver. That makes perfect sense.

In another dimension where Axl isn't dressed like a retard he is trying to kill himself but his girlfriend wrestles the gun away from him. it's a good thing the average super model is stronger then Axl Rose. Then they are having a picnic in a graveyard, but Axl starts crying when black limousines drive up. Come on man, when you have a picnic in a graveyard you have to be prepared to leave early if there's a funeral. Then Axl is shown desperately trying to swim in a violent ocean. This is symbolic; Axl represents the viewer and the ocean is the video. He is saying your better of drowning then trying to figure out what the fuck the video is about.

I guess Izzy didn't show up for the shoot.

Now Axl's girlfriend is looking at old photos. We are transported into the picture where Axl is playing piano in some sort of plaza. She sits next to Axl but he's paying more attention to a blonde then to her, so she punches the blond in the boob. The rest of GNR are there and look concerned but don't actually stop the catfight.

The flashback ends and we see Axl's girlfriend is watching the video for "Don't Cry", which is happening right now! Its like that one scene from Spaceballs. The scene where Axl Rose wore tiny shorts.

Someplace else Slash is driving his car really fast. The woman with him is concerned, and should be because he drives the car off a cliff The car explodes but I guess Slash is okay because he is suddenly rocking out on his guitar above where his exploded car is. I guess the girl in the car with him is dead.

Elsewhere Axl Rose, gynecologist to the stars, is about to operate on two patients who happen to be himself. Also he is wearing a kilt. Then another Axl walks in the door, sees whats going on, decides he wants no part in it and exits through a mirror. Just another day at the office.

As it turns out that funeral earlier was for Axl himself. He isn't actually dead though. In reality he is beneath the tombstone naked in a gigantic cavern.

The video ends the only way that makes sense: A naked baby coming out of a bathtub filled with dark water. The baby looks very surprised. I don't blame it.

Rating 7/10

It's a good song but I couldn't pay attention to it because I was too busy trying to figure out what the fuck was going on.

Live and Let Die

The most important thing about this video is that Axl is wearing a chest protector that a catcher would wear. What is the point of that? Is it suppose to be cool? Maybe he just got back from umping a Little League game.

They're just showing the band playing live, so I don't have much to comment on. I guess I'll talk about Axl's clothes some more. He also appears to enjoy wearing tiny shorts, a shirt that says martyr in a circle with a line going through it, so that we know he hasn't died to save us, and the Halloween costume from the year he went as Roddy Piper.

Nothing interesting happens in the video so no screen caps for you. This article already has so many pictures that its going to be a pain to format and take up a ton of bandwidth.

Rating 2/10

Come on guys. This video had like nothing going for it. You didn't even give me a brief scene where somebody is watching GNR on TV. Just plain lazy.

November Rain

This is what we've all been waiting for. If there is one over the top overly dramatic Guns N Roses video that is actually fucking sweet as all shit it is definitely "November Rain". The song is awesome, the video is awesome, Slash does awesome things, there's no way around it, on the awesome scale "November Rain" gets a rating of awesome.

Following the title sequence consisting of Axl Rose sitting on his bed and taking some medication we are ushered into a theater where a solemn Axl Rose is playing piano accompanied by a symphony I think is being conducted by Frank Zappa. Axl appears deep in thought, the shot dissolves into Axl playing in an abandoned church before coming back to the show, so I assume he is pretending that he is actually alone rather then on stage. Maybe it's a technique to reduce stress. He gets nervous playing in front of crowds so he imagines he is someplace by himself.

There are now alternating shots of Axl sleeping and his wedding. I'm not sure if they are suppose to be happening at the same time or not. Like maybe he is having a dream about getting married. That could explain why he is dressed like a pirate. I've had a lot of strange dreams, being a pirate that's about to get married wouldn't probably even make the top ten list of strangeness. Just last week I had a dream where Whoopie Goldberg invented whiskey. This put me in the awkward position of having to defend her from somebody who hated Whoopie Goldberg. He just kept going on and on about how horrible of an actress she is and how annoying she is and I would shrug my shoulders and say "Yeah but she invented whiskey, which is awesome." You can't argue with that.

Before the wedding can finish Axl, his wife, and the rest of his band teleport into a dirty bar where they begin drinking and having a merry time. Maybe this is a flash back.

Returning to the wedding Slash is looking for the ring, thinking he lost it. Luckily it was just stolen by that guy, who returns it. Slash is cool but he probably shouldn't be the ring bearer since he is always drunk and would probably lose the ring, which he did. The wedding goes on without incident. Slash leaves the church early to beat the traffic. Once he gets outside the church, which looks much smaller from the outside then the inside, he begins playing a sweet solo even though his guitar isn't plugged in to anything.

Slash's solo goes on for so long that the wedding is over by the time it ends. Axl and his wife oddly enough exit a different church then Slash did. I'm not sure what the explanation is, so I'm going to say teleportation.

At the wedding reception everything seems to be going well. Axl and wife cut the cake, there's a toast, and everybody is dancing. Grade a reception all around, very classy despite the unwashed band members with their chests exposed. It starts raining, which I will admit isn't good for an outdoor reception but I think the party goers overact. They start running in a craze, pushing each other and knocking tables over.

 

Then some guy jumps through the cake for absolutely no reason. I don't know why he did it but it is probably the coolest thing that has ever been in a music video ever.

Now Axl's wife is dead. Why? Did the rain kill her?

Hey get off of there! Bad Slash. Pianos are for playing not dancing on.

I wonder if the former Mrs. Rose is going to end up naked in water beneath her tombstone, like Axl did. Deadly rain starts falling again, threatening to ruin the funeral. Luckily nobody jumps through the funeral cake.

To cap off the video Axl's bride throws her wedding bouquet and it lands in her own grave. That's an impressive trick.

Rating 10/10

Nothing lasts forever except the perfect score for "November Rain".

Yesterdays

Guns N Roses is playing in some sort of warehouse and its black and white. What's the deal with GNR videos being in black and white? Its like there are two kinds of videos in Axl's mind, over blown overly dramatic story videos that don't make sense and videos where the band is just playing someplace in black and white. Pictures show up occasionally of the band members hanging around or whatever. This is because Axl is singing about pictures. I wish he was singing about pictures of naked ladies. Oh yeah, naked lady time!

Rating 1/10

I'm sick of videos where the band just sits around playing music and nothing happens. I just put this one on fast forward half way through because I was bored with it.

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