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The Web BtC

Welcome to the Jungle

[Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3]

The Garden

We're in black and white but I don't see the band so something might actually happen in this one. We see a hotel room then a city that is all wavy and crappy looking. Band members are just sort of sitting around, which is more boring then them playing. At least we get to see a guy without a shirt on kissing a girl who looks like she might also not have a shirt on. I guess they somehow read what I wrote for the last song and implemented that idea. Okay Axl here's what I want for Estranged, raptors trying to break into the Millennium Falcon which is being defended by Han Solo and Indiana Jones. Make it happen!

Alice Cooper starts singing and things get awesome. We get footage of some strip joints and out of nowhere some black dude pushes a white chick to the ground. It made me laugh and I rewound it like five times. Oh crazy black dudes, always pushing white ladies. Actually that white lady appears to have a beard so maybe its just some cracka ass fool. Its like almost 6 in the morning right now so I'm tired and not paying the closest attention.

Alice Cooper leaves and we go back to wavy boring imagery, like a mural and toilet. Then some biker just hauls off and elbows the camera, smashing the lens. Whoe man, was that even planned? Somebody call the cops that camera was expensive.

That's like the last interesting thing in this video, unless you consider strippers interesting. I do, so I find the rest of this video extremely interesting. Interestingly filled with strippers!

Rating 7/10

Okay the video was actually pretty dumb, but it has Alice Cooper in the song so that knocked it up a notch. I also felt it deserved credit because I could see myself masturbating to this when I was 13 so that's another notch.

Dead Horse

Just another video of the band playing on stage. Nothing to see here. At least its in color.

2/10

Axl has a helmet cam which is worth 3 points easily but then I had to take away a point because Axl is playing on stage in his underpants.

Garden of Eden

Really? Garden of Eden? They made a video for this song? Its not that good. I always thought of it as filler. They've already made like 15 videos for the Use Your Illusions. I don't see why this was necessary. If they wanted to do another video why couldn't they pick Civil War?

I don't think Guns N Roses thought this song was all that great either because they put like zero effort into it. The video is just them playing in front of the camera. They probably did it in one take. They were there 20 minutes tops. There's a bouncing ball on the lyrics scrolling across the screen but this song goes so fast its impossible to sing along anyways so its sort of pointless. I think that was suppose to be a joke or something.

2/10

The camera view makes it look like they filmed it using a security camera from a super market.

Estranged

The video starts out with the dictionary definition of the word Illusion against a black screen. This is Axl's way of warning us a pretentious video that makes no sense is about to come on.

The Swat Team and paramedics are rushing into Axl's house but he's hiding on a closet so they don't know where he is at. We see some flashbacks to Axl and his son hanging out and then a tire swing turns into a Guns N Roses concert. That's all in like the first nine seconds of video. Shit moves fast.

Guns N Roses plays on stage to a huge crowd. Not much else to say about this part. We do get short scenes of Axl and his son exiting a limo and some ladies watching the concert on TV. I don't know why we see these things but we definitely do see them

The concert ends so Guns N Roses heads backstage. Axl is plum tuckered out so he lays on a couch for a nap. While he does this his soul exits his body and gets in the shower fully dressed like a rape victim. Then the band is back on stage so I guess they decided to do an encore.

We cut back to Axl's house. Various definitions of the word estranged come on screen while people dressed in all white get into cars and some kids in all white play on a swing set. They are going to get grass stains. Who are all these kids anyways? Maybe Axl is adopting children of various races from around the globe. Everybody is dressed pretty nice except Axl who just had shorts and a t-shirt. What a slob.

We cut to an airport where a cargo plane opens. The band walks towards it but they shouldn't because it is filled with water and dolphins and that is just crazy.

Then people are watching dolphins on tv. I don't get it.

Then Axl walks down the street and dolphins are everywhere. Its an epidemic. Slash plays a guitar solo while sort of gliding around the street, I think he might be wearing roller blades.

Now we are on an oil tanker for reasons unknown. Axl jumps off again for unknown reasons. Band members try to save him but are rebuked. Axl wants this. He wants it because he gets to swim with dolphins. Okay. I think I've figured things out. Don't Cry, November Rain and Estranged are suppose to be a trilogy. November Rain is about Axl falling in love and losing his wife, Don't Cry is about how her death made him crazy, and Estranged is about how he wants to fuck a dolphin.

Everything turns red and Slash rises out of the ocean while playing another guitar solo! It is just too amazing for words.

Since Guns N Roses haven't spent enough money on this video yet a helicopter flies in to pull Axl out of the ocean. Figures, Axl refuses to be saved when its somebody with a rowboat, but he's cool if they come by in a helicopter. Typical spoiled celebrity.

We end with the definition of disillusioned coming on screen while Axl's shoe falls to the bottom of the ocean. We know its his shoe because his name is on it. To finish it all off there's a love Axl message at the end.

I think he was giving it to the dolphin.

Rating 8/10

There's a reason why November Rain is a classic and Estranged is rarely mentioned. You see while November Rain was weird it at least has the basic semblance of a story. Estranged is just Axl trying to get over his attraction to dolphins with a bunch of random filler. Nothing is ever explained and there is no conclusion. Most of the images aren't even related. The only reason the score isn't a zero is because Slash rising out of the ocean is just too epic to forget about.

Since I Don't Have You

Since I Don't Have You starts out the same way all music videos should start. With Slash juxtaposed over video of a bikini woman rubbing herself. Its what we would all do if we could.

Then Axl is watching some naked lady who has the drapes of his bedroom wrapped around he. I think she is trapped. Then they are making out and she has a shirt on, so maybe the makeout session is a flashback to five minutes ago before she got naked and trapped in the drapes.

Without explanation the lady is two ladies and on fire. Then Axl is driving in a car with a scary looking man. This is like the weirdest dream you will ever have.

The car crashes because crazy man got out while driving but it crashed into a lagoon where the rest of the band is having a beach party with women, so its not all bad. Slash plays a guitar solo in front of a purple wall that has silhouette's of lwomens on it. Then crazy person from before ties up Axl and sets him on fire I think. This video is hard to follow.

Axl is back in bed all of a sudden making out with the lady. You know, I think this video represents the things Axl thinks about during sex to make sure he doesn't ejaculate too early. I know I have trouble ejaculating when I think about fire and creepy men.

The video isn't over yet but lets pretend that it is so I can stop writing about it

Rating 5/ 10

Its only a five because nothing makes sense and I'm sick of watching Guns N Roses videos.

Conclusion

There isn't a song called conclusion, I'm just ending the article.

By my calculations the videos averaged out to a 5. This is probably because I gave about half a near perfect score and the other half a score of nearly zero and one a score of five. This reflects on Guns N Roses by showing that they are good about half the time, which isn't true. Guns N Roses is good most of the time. They just make music videos that are long and boring. This is a good reason to not let Axl Rose make music videos. As far as I know or care there are no videos for songs off of Chinese Democracy. I say keep it this way. We don't need Axl trying to tell an epic story that is full of random imagery which makes no sense at all. When I listen to Guns N Roses I want to shake my fist and bang my head. Lets leave the story telling to the story tellers. Guns N Roses is all about rock baby. All about the rock.

[Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3]