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Shaq Attacks The Pedophiles

Shaquelle O'Neil isn't just the greatest basketball player/rapper/black man/grizzly bear in the world, he is also the world's greatest cop. While playing for the Miami Heat, he worked with the police to scour the internet for pedophiles and bring them to justice. SHAQ JUSTICE. Much like NBC's "To Catch a Predator" Dateline specials but without that namby-poo Chris Hansen who only questions perverts at the kitchen counter and doesn't SHAQ KICK THEIR ASSES. No, Shaq was active, going online and posing as an underage girl to lure the sexual predators out. How did he do it? Here's how:

First, he would create a fake profile on a teenage chat site, pretending to be a 14 year old girl named Shaquilla.

Shaq's Profile

Then he would log on to chat rooms popular with teenagers and pedophiles and lay a trap. Here is a transcript of one of Shaq's hunts:

Welcome best@bball32. You are now in the discussion group "South Florida Teens and Tweens"

best@bball32 has joined the group.

kortneegirl: high school musical is the best

ruby89: no jonas brothers r way bettterrrr. nick sends my heart a flutter.

CaliBarbieBabe: i like jonas more than hsm but zac is the HOTEST. he gives me strange feelinsg n my pants.

hart4myprince11: HSM = better. I want my naked piccies all over the net like Vanessa!

best@bball32: there both good but SHAQ DIESEL is better. buy a copy. any1 want to chat. i m so horny in my schoolgirl skirt.

You have recieved a private message.

hunghorse63: ASL?

best@bball32: 14/f/miami

hunghorse63: 44/M/Miami. Waht kind of panties r u wearing?

best@bball32: big ones

hunghorse63: hot

best@bball32: there a pink thong

hunghorse63: u make me horny. r u wet?

best@bball32: yes i just got out of the tub

hunghorse63: hot. some girls yr age dont have breasts yet? do u have breasts? do u wear a bra?

best@bball32: yes i have big boobies.

hunghorse63: do u like to touch them?

best@bball32: yes i play with my boobies all the time. i like to slap them.

hunghorse63: i m so horny right now when you said that. i m so erect right now.

best@bball32: erect with yr penis?

hunghorse63: yes. i will send you a pic.

You have recived a file from hunghorse63.

penis

best@bball32: that is so cool. i wish i had a penis inside me. inside my VAGINANA.

hunghorse63: hey i have a penis. i should be inside your vaginana.

best@bball32: yes i am in agreement

hunghorse63: perchance i should pay u a visit. FOR SEX.

best@bball32: that would be cool. my parents arent going 2 be home saturday and i will be all alone playing SHAQ FU on the Sega Genesis the best video game ever.

hunghorse63: i will bring beer n condoms n lube. i just have a question?

best@bball32: ask me a question

hunghorse63: r u 4 real? i dont wanna walk into 1 of those dateline houses n get arrested by chris hansen.

best@bball32: i m 4 real. all my 14 year old girlie friends meet middle aged guys online. of course we would reather hang w. u than good looking n fit teen boys.

hunghorse63: sweet i would luv to see u sat. tell me where you live.

best@bball32: sure its [address removed]. come over to my house we can wacth basketball. the MIAMI HEAT will be playing starring SHAQUILLE O'NEIL

hunghorse63: i dont really like miami or shaq

best@bball32: WHAT? what dont you like about SHAQ?

hunghorse63: hes all size and no skill. hes so big he doesnt need to do anything like Jordan did. hes got no finesse.

best@bball32: he cant help the way his mommy made him. u cant argue w/ his success. 3 nba championships

hunghorse63: kobe bryant had more to do w/ the lakers success. they would have won w/o shaq but not w/o kobe. kobe was the star of the lakers.

best@bball32: KOBE BRYANT! KOBE BRYANT! LET ME TELL U SOMETHING. KOBE AINT NOTHING BUT A BITCH!!!!!!!!

hunghorse63: i'm just tellling u what it is. shaq sucks. way overrated.

best@bball32: YOU THINK SHAQ SUCKS? I AM GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS. JUST TRY TO SAY THAT TO MY FACE LITTLE MAN! I WOULD WHOOP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU TALKING BOUT SHAQ LIKE THAT! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!

hunghorse63 has left the chat room.


There's that. I was looking up Shaq on Wikipedia and learned that he was traded to Pheonix and then Cleveland. I thought he was still at Miami because I don't pay attention to the NBA and missed an entire season where he was in Arizona. Oh well. I hope Shaq enojoys playing in a northern city for the first time in his basketball career. It always seemed to me that he refused to ever play in a city where it snowed.