Dumb Baby Adventures in Babysitting
I just want to preface this adventure by clarifying that neither Billie nor I had sex at anytime during the following series of events.
Our story begins with Billie and I being forcibly ejected through the back door of Chuck E Cheese.
"If you don't want people getting wild then maybe you shouldn't have beer and ball pits in the same building," Billie yelled while shaking her fist at the skinny teenager who had thrown us out.
"You're lucky I have to go mop the urinals, or I'd really show you who's boss," the teen squeaked back.
"I don't think he's bluffing," I grabbed the decreasingly less irate Billie, "Lets get out of here." The two of us ran pathetically down the alley and hid behind a dumpster. At first I assumed the sobbing was one of us, but then I noticed a little girl next to us.
"Hey little girl," I tried to sound soothing, "What you crying for?"
"I was in Chuck E Cheese, sob, and they made me leave cause they didn't like what I was doing, sob, and now I don't know where anybody is and I think they forgot about me."
"That sucks, we were oppressed by Chuck E Cheese as well," I told her.
"Really?" she asked, although it actually sounded more like "Wheally?" because she was rocking a pretty big lisp. On a full grown man it would have sounded really gay, but for a little girl it's cute and way hetero. A better writer might type out her dialogue phonetically but I think that would be annoying so if you're reading this out loud to your kid or significant other then just add your own lisp or if you're not reading it out loud just imagine it.
"Are your parents still inside?" Billie asked.
"I don't have any parents," the girl had calmed her shit down and was no longer crying, "Just Rick and his other girls."
I pulled Billie aside, "She must be an orphan and Rick is her orphan daddy."
"That seems like a reasonable explanation," Billie agreed.
"Don't be upset little girl," I went back to addressing the little girl, "Do you know your phone number?"
"Well duh," the girl said.
"Well then use my phone to call Rick," then under my breath I added, "you ungrateful little ho."
"Looks like we saved the day again," Billie held her hand out for a high five.
"Fuck yeah!" I slapped her hand too enthusiastically which made it sting for both of us. We both waved our hands in pain.
"You know what we should do now?" Billie asked.
"What?" I asked eager to hear where this was heading.
"Since you've got a helpfulness streak going we should go get that A.J. fellow off our list."
"Stellar plan old chap," I said with a wink.
"Excuse me," the girl interrupted us, "I tried to call Rick's phone, and then I called his pager but he isn't answering."
"A pager? He must be a doctor," I thought, "And doctors give large rewards when you find their misplaced orphans."
"Its okay little girl," I got down on one knee and put my hand around her, "Billie and I can take care of you until we can get a hold of Rick."
"Good!" the girl squealed."
Billie was concerned, "Are you sure about this? The judge said…"
I interrupted, "I don't care what the judge said, I refuse to acknowledge the authority of any court that does not display the Ten Commandments!"
"But they did display the Ten Commandments," Billie started to point out before I again interrupted.
"Not my Ten Commandments!"
And that was the end of that argument.
Driving down the highway in my 89 Ford Tempo I couldn't help but wonder about how much this situation resembled a movie from the 80s. Two swinging bachelors fine a poor orphaned girl and take her along with them to right wrongs. Maybe that's more like a TV series from the 80s. Come to think of it that might have been the plot to Kung-Fu: The Legend Continues.
"Where their any orphans in Kung-Fu: The Legend continues?" I asked.
"I don't know. I'm only aware of that the show because TNT advertised the hell out of it during the 90s. You couldn't watch an NBA game without seeing about 20 commercials for it," Billie said.
"What about you little girl," I craned my head around, "You ever see Kung-Fu: The Legend Continues?"
"My name is Zoey," Zoey said.
"That doesn't answer my question."
"I don't know what that is."
"Fair enough," I started looking at the road again. "It was probably before your time."
"So where are we going?" Zoey changed the subject.
"To this visit this guy named A.J." Billie said.
"Why," she asked.
"You see Zoey," I explained, "We wronged A.J. in the past, so now we're going to make it up for him and then our lives will be better as a result."
"Its like My Name is Earl," Billie chirped in.
"Exactly like that," I agreed.
"What's that?" Zoey asked.
"It's a TV show," Billie said.
"Earl also makes an appearance in Clerks II."
"I keep telling you Johnny that wasn't Earl, it was just the same actor," Billie waved her finger at me…judging me.
"I keep telling you it was Earl," I told her the correct interpretation of that movie, "he had to show up, make Randall reflect on his life, and motivate him to buy the Quickstop in order to get him off his list."
"You keep saying this and I keep asking, ‘what did Earl do to wrong Randall?', and you never have a good answer!" Billie shouted.
"That's because you never accept my explanation that Earl burned down the Quickstop!"
"There's no proof!"
"It's called speculation asshole!"
"Fuck your mom!"
We drove in silence until we arrived at our destination. I parked in the street in front of A.J.'s home. It was a large two story home set far back away from the road. To get to it you had to walk under the kind of arch they usually have at weddings. Behind the house there was a barn and corral where sled dogs live.
"This shouldn't take long," Billie explained to Zoey as we walked to the door, "Earl only takes about half an hour to make things up to people, an hour at most."
"I'm helping right?" Zoey asked.
"Sure, why not?" Billie answered.
"Yay!" she grinned and did a little skip move thing. I guess she must have been really excited.
When we got to the door I said "Okay guys, game faces on, we're going in," then I pressed the doorbell and we waited nervously for the answer.
"What did you guys do?" Zoey asked as we waited for the door to be answered.
"Let's just say we indirectly got his son involved with the navy," I said leaving out all the explicit details.
Right after I finished my cleaned up explanation of the events, A.J. answered the door. A.J. is, and always has been, a large mustached Brazilian man. His face contorted from neutral to enraged as soon as he saw Billie and I. He tried to slam the door but Billie used her catlike reflexes to stick her leg between the door and its frame. The door bounced off of Billie's leg and made her fall to the ground whimpering. Zoey jumped over Billie and bounded into the home.
"Get back here," I tried to stop her but my reflexes pail when compared to those of Billie Green. She makes Kurt Russell's character in Big Trouble in Little China look like Kurt Russell's character in Tango and Cash.
"This place looks pretty nice, I've been set up in much worse," Zoey was looking around.
"What's going on?" A.J. asked with concern. We hadn't ever confronted him with a small child in tow. Well, not a small girl anyways.
"I'm sorry, we found this girl in an alley," I tried to explain.
"Okay I'll do it," Zoey said.
"Do what?" A.J. asked with great concern.
"I'll help make things up for these two. Now, I can give the first hour for free, but anything more then that and Rick will have my ass," Zoey said. Everybody in the room dropped their jaws and opened their eyes as far as their eyes could go. This was hard for Billie to do since she was still withering in pain.
"First you turn my son gay now you bring me a child prostitute," A.J. was literally tearing out his hair.
"It's not like that!" I tried to explain.
"Come on sailor," Zoey rubbed A.J.'s leg, "I can make you forget everything these two have done."
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"""""" A.J. just started screaming.
"Just remember, if you're a cop you have to tell me or it's entrapment."
"I'm going the police," A.J. yelled as he ran away.
"Cheese it!" Billie yelled as she got up. We all sprinted to the car and hit the ricky road.
"I don't think that went well," Zoey said as we were driving away. Billie and I were unable to muster up anything to say. I opened my mouth at one point and to say something but the only thing that came out of my mouth was a whining noise. Billie didn't even try to speak. She just stared straight ahead. Eventually we got back to the Dumb Baby HQ. It wasn't until we were inside that Zoey once again broke the silence.
"Hamtaro! That's soooooo cute," Zoey did another little skip as she entered the living room and saw the posters.
"Yes, I also enjoy Hamtaro," Billie said in monotone.
"Why don't you go call Rick again?" I handed Zoey the phone, "Take the call in the sunroom. Billie and I must talk."
When Zoey was gone Billie grabbed me by the throat and started shaking, "What have you done! We have a child prostitute in our possession."
"Agg glarf blargh," I responded.
"We are going to jail! Look at us! We aren't going to be able to survive in jail! We barely survive not in jail!" Billie let go of my throat.
"Shut up!" I said, "We just need to think of a plan."
"What plan? The plan for having a child prostitute in our house? Because the plan is to go to jail," Billie was running around panicking, and jumping on the couch.
"Shut up shut up shut up," I also started running around in a panic and jumping on furniture.
"Um, what's going on?" Zoey asked confused as she came into the room. Billie and I stopped where we were.
I hesitatively said "The floor is made of lava. We are playing the floor is made of lava".
"I love that game," Zoe jumped onto our recliner.
"Hey," I sat on the couch," Let's pretend the floor is no longer lava, and have a talk."
I motioned Zoey to come over to me. I was going to have her sit on my lap, but then I thought she might start doing a lap dance or something, so instead I patted the cushion to my side.
"Zoey," I began, "I want you to know that you don't need to be a child prostitute. In fact that's the one thing nobody should ever be. I'm sure Rick may have made it seem glamorous, showed you movies like Pretty Woman or Exit to Eden, told you about how you might meet famous people like Roman Polanski or Woody Allen, but the truth is a child should be protected and kept innocent of the more unsavory parts of the world. You are a little girl, you should be worried about doing your homework and horses, not making money and venereal diseases."
At this point "Livin' La Vida Loca" chimed through the house, "Billie, go get the door," I commanded. I then turned my attention back to Zoey, "If money is truly an issue there are many more respectful occupations you can take part in, like sending letters to celebrities begging for money or operating a lemonade stand in which some of the letters in the word ‘lemonade' are backwards."
"I said I be here for my stuff." Billie had been speaking with somebody at the door and now this person was pushing her aside and coming into the room. The man had a huge afro, pants that were three sizes too big and hanging around his knees, a Red Wings jersey on, gold teeth and in every way was stereotypical black man, except for the fact that he appeared to be Samoan.
"Hey," I stood up, "You can't just barge into here. You need to be invited and promise not to be mean to us."
"You guys got my ho," so this was the mysterious Rick the pimp.
"So you're Rick the mysterious pimp," Billie said. It was like she was reading my mind.
"That's right they call me Rick Pimpmaster 2000, and you guys been bogarting my ho. Let me figure out how much this be costing you."
"What do you mean what it will be costing us?" I inquired.
"You just can't be keeping my best ho all day and night without proper compensation," Rick pulled out a notebook, calculator, and pencil from behind his ear and started working on a bill.
"But we didn't have sex with her," I exclaimed.
"Say what!" Rick threw the items he was throwing over his head in shock.
"Indeed he tells the truth," Billie stepped up and puffed out her chest. This is the sign she is about to give a speech, "To force anybody intro prostitution is a violation of their personal freedom, but to do so to a child is especially heinous. Would you want to be made to service Japanese businessmen at a time in your life when you would rather be collecting Pokemon? Childhood is a time of innocence and wonder, a child should not be wondering if she has a venereal disease. To steal that innocence for your personal gain is greedy and completely unacceptable."
At this point Rick kicked Billie in the stomach and sent her flying over the sofa and into the kitchen. I knew this guy was going to be trouble. The farthest anybody has ever kicked Billie in the past was over the sofa and into the hall. I decided I better end this right away, so I pulled my ninja sword out from behind the coffee table.
"Stand down douchbag," I said brandishing the sword, "Or I'll cut you… with my ninja sword.
"Stop it, stop it now you two," Zoey stepped in between us.
"Say what?" Rick and I cried in unison.
Zoey addressed Rick first, "Boy, you need to calm the fuck down. You bailed on me and these guys picked up the slack and didn't even make a move on me. You should be thanking them," Zoey then addressed me, "and you. I'm happy you're concerned about me, but did you ever stop to think about what I want? I've trained hard to be Rick's top femme du soir. I'm too old to change careers now. I'm good at what I do and I love it. So thanks, but don't try to change me."
Zoey and Rick waved and walked out the door hand in hand. Billie limped her way into the living room, "Wait so she likes being a whore?"
"Apparently," I was scratching my head.
"Well I'm going to take some baby aspirin and lie down. I vote we never speak about this incident again."
"Actually I was thinking it might make a good article for the website," I said.
"Whatever," Billie waved her hand and walked away.
I went to the fridge, got some Capri Sun, and sat down at my computer. I opened a Word document, but browsed the TV Tropes for an hour before actually doing any work. Then after getting that out of my system I typed I just want to preface this adventure by clarifying that neither Billie nor I had sex at anytime during the following series of events, leaned back in my chair and nodded. "That's the perfect way to begin this story . The perfect way. The perfect way to begin this story.