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Degrassi TNG: Soap Opera Summer 2010 - Week 2

"99 Problems" part 1

Season 10 Episodes 5-8
Canadian airdate: July 26-29, 2010

Boycott the Caf name: "Hey, when did Degrassi stop using songs from the 80s?"
Important characters: Riley, Zane, Alli, Drew, Clare

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"I'm sure it's merely a coincidence you always get the episodes about Riley being gay.” - Billie Green

Oldfriend, I am on to your games.

So Zane and Riley are being really gay in a park. They like, aren't having sex, but they are doing things that would be really awkward if they weren't homos for each other. Like if these were two brothers you knew, and you saw them doing this stuff you would nudge your friend so hard.

Despite going to the gay mixer and just humping a man in a park Riley is still in the closet. He has a lame excuse about how as a football player he has to be straight, except the team has Sav and Derek on it so its not like they are all that masculine to begin with. Jack from Will and Grace is manlier then most of them.

If the opening credits are any indication we got some new cast members! Or the old ones got haircuts over the summer. I don't know.

Speaking of new haircuts, Clare has one. Now she looks like a girl you would meet at a party in college who looks like she should still be in high school but apparently she's in college. She drinks some sort of weird Romanian wine instead of beer and if you ask what kind of music she likes she will name a bunch of indie bands you've never heard of. Don't bother pursuing her, she's going to hook up with a communist who smokes lots of weed.

Alli is planning on joining the Power Squad because she thinks they look like they have fun and they are all popular pretty girls who get invited to football parties. Hey, remember when Manny had an intellectual best friend but wanted to join the Power Squad because she thought they had a lot of fun? So did the writers.

Speaking of new characters, here is Drew. He seems boring.

Zane signs up for the football team to prove that gays can play sports other than soccer. Naked towel fights are just a bonus.

In class, Riley uses hot girls as a way to explain how scarcity works to Drew. Hot girls don't have penises so Riley wants them to be more scarce! HEY-HO. Just kidding. Riley pretends he has gone out with lots of girls to impress Drew.

Chante Black is celebrating her tenth year as a Power Squad member. Alli is called out for sitting at the Power Squad table while not being a Power Squad member. Alli asks if she can try out and Chante Black points out that they have been auditioning all week, as if that matters. They've been auditioning all week, not practicing. Just because other people auditioned first it doesn't mean she still can's audition

Come to think of it why has the Power Squad been having tryouts for a week already and the football team is still in the process of having people sign up? Typically football practice starts before school even begins because you have to finish the season and playoffs before winter hits and makes playing impossible. I guess since Toronto hasn't had more then one day of snow a year for nearly a decade they've decided to push back the football season.

Couch Armstrong wants KC to join football, but KC doesn't want to since his last couch got him drunk and then wanked off in his hair.

Also, Couch Armstrong is couching football now. Hey, why not? Last year they tried letting somebody other than him couch things and it was a huge clusterfuck of bigotry and people wanking off in KC's hair.

A football player makes fun of Zane for being a gay and wearing fruity pants. That's him on the left looking more pissed then a homophobe should. Does he think gay people murdered his family? I can understand hating gays, but not with that much intensity. Settle down man, chances of being raped by a man are pretty low, even with gay town on the border of Degrassi.

Drew lets Riley know he has no problems with homosexuals as a race but worries Zane will hurt their chances on the football field.

Later on Riley talks to Zane about how Zane shouldn't be on the team because if people figure out he's gay it will make him a worse quarterback somehow. Drew over hears the conversation and figures out that Riley likes the cock. Uh oh, now he can use this secret information to gain the starting quarter back position!  This sounds idiotic but they are all idiots so sure, why not?

Alli tries to impress the cheerleaders by dolling herself up and wearing an old cheerleading outfit she got from Good Will. She's taking a clue from Clare's book, dressing like you are a model on a schoolgirl porn site leads to success. The cheerleaders are all lesbians so they are happy with her looks but unfortunately Alli has the coordination of a Jew and cannot perform complicated dance moves, such as taking a step to the right, and moving an arm.

Chante levels with Alli, she sucks at being a cheerleader. Then Alli levels with Chante, admitting that she wants Chante's life. She wants to be 27 years old but still going to high school due to an administrative error. Chante's black heart is touched and she personally will tutor Alli into cheerleading stardom.

KC is still at that group home. He's been there for like three years now. Usually people graduate from these places and go into foster care. Not in Canada, I guess. They have too many orphans in the system ever since the polar bears started migrating south of the artic circle. As a reward for getting good grades in the first two days of school and having a girlfriend, he gets an extended curfew.

Alli finds out she didn't make the Power Squad and can't believe it even though she is horrible at dancing, so she goes to see Chante. Chante points out there are only five spots on the team so not everybody can make it. Actually, you could just let everybody on the team and only have five cheer at events, or games, or whatever the Power Squad does. It's not like anybody is going to give a shit if you have a bunch of back up cheerleaders.

Alli vows to make her own Power Squad, with blackjack, and hookers. I originally wrote this as a joke, but that is actually what ends up happening. Her specific goal when creating her own dance troupe is to destroy Chante.

I know we are only a few episodes in, but I would like to nominate Alli makes a dance group to rival the Power Squad as worse storyline of the season. I think it will be a winner.

At the football team moral raising BBQ Riley introduces Drew to his date, Maryland. That isn't a name. The Degrassi writers seem to be vaguely aware that black people have funny names but have never met one to know what they are. This is why Chris's girlfriend was named Mylanta.

Drew's clever plan to convince Armstrong to throw a BBQ, and then reveal Riley as a homosexual has failed. No homosexual would date a black girl. Well played Riley. Drew gets the last laugh however by accusing Riley of checking out Zane. Oh Drew, you're as diabolical as you are bland.

Riley tells Zane they can't talk because people are suspecting things about them. Well, Drew is suspecting things about them but Riley is paranoid. Zane says that if Riley feels that way then maybe they shouldn't be friends, on or off the locker room. Zounds, this gaymance is over before it even had a chance, and all because of that evil Drew.

Drew tells Riley that unless he steps aside from starting quarterback he will tell everybody on the team that he is gay. Nobody has any reason to believe Drew. In fact, considering that Drew just came to Degrassi and is trying to get Riley's position there's a lot of reasons to believe he is trying to bad mouth his rival by lying.

Riley isn't content with taking this one lying down. He intents to show the new guy how they do things in Degrassi town. Riley might have 99 problems but this bitch won't be one of them.

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