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Degrassi TNG: Soap Opera Summer 2010 - Week 3

"Try Honesty" part 1

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Holly J and Declan kiss in Times Square among the lights and romantic billboards for mini-vans and ABC News. A love song plays. Then Holly J wakes up. It was a dream. Holly J dreams like she is in a music video.

She sits her laptop in bed with her and chats with Declan via the webcam. She didn't have to start up her laptop or load the chat program, it was already running. Declan was watching her sleep. Declan wants Holly J to join him on a tour of Yale University this weekend with some of his prep school friends. Holly J says she cannot afford the last minute plane ticket. Holly J wants to attend an elite university in another country, she should have bought a ticket earlier. I mean it's her senior year, she should be on top of this. How is she going to see Yale if she can't afford to get there? Maybe she could have, I don't know, paid a visit to Yale when she was living in New York City, since it's only about an hour away. She was only had the opportunity every day for the entire fucking summer.

Do you think Rory Gilmore was this last minute when she came to getting ready for college? No. She was preparing her whole life to go to Harvard. Of course, she ended up going to Yale at kind of the last minute. But word to Holly J, flying on a plane from Toronto to Connecticut seems like a waste. According to Google Maps, it's a nine hour car ride. Sure, it's only a two hour flight, but it's an international to the US, so you have to factor in the time wasted going through Homeland Security hell. Airline security has gotten ridiculous in the US. It's 2010 and they are now treating white passengers as badly as they were treating Middle Eastern passengers in 2002. I won't stand for it. Holly J could save the hassle and get an Amtrak ticket for less than a plane ticket. They won't care if it's last minute, it's Amtrack, she'll be the only one on the train.

Mini-Connor is pissed. He knows he cannot get a girlfriend because he is a loser. Well, good for him for accepting it. And at such a young age. JT was in complete denial about his micro-penis at Mini-Connor's age, and how did JT end up? Death via pee.

Connor and Harry Potter try to cheer up Mini-Connor. It's Connor and Harry Potter, so Mini-Conner is therefore the coolest kid in the group. It's like when Peter would hang out with Webster and White Webster. Harry Potter randomly says, "I read somewhere that woman are simple creatures like hamsters...Think about it. Hamsters just want to be fed and cuddled and showered with compliments. Isn't that what girls want?" Harry Potter reads lots of Maxim. Is it any wonder this kid doesn't have a girlfriend? The only thing hamsters and women have in common is that Harry Potter wants to have sex with both.

Eli, the new goth kid, (Eli is like the boy for of Ellie don'tchaknow) tries to park his hearse in a school parking space, but a group of bullies stand there and will not let him in. Eli starts an argument over it rather than finds another space, like, say the empty one right next to the one he wants. The lead bully, Fitz, rips the skull hood ornament off the hearse. Eli is pissed, but do you know what having something like that does to a car's wind resistance? Fitz just raised the fuel efficiency of Eli's hearse. Now he will get many more kilometers per litre of petrol.

I don't know what to think about Eli. I hope he is not a goth, but he dresses like one and is really moody. I cross my fingers that he is just in a sweet alt rock band. It's like how there are two groups of people who revere Viking culture: Neo-Nazis and musicians in metal bands. They both have a lot of praise for the Nordic peoples, but one of them also hates black people and you have to watch out. And you can't always tell until they start talking.

Sav is the class president so the students are forced to see his scary mug in high definition each morning during the announcements. It's like that Nineteen Eighty-Four themed Super Bowl commercial for Apple Computer that I wasn't alive to see, but was parodied on both The Simpsons and Futurama, so I felt like I've seen it. Sav announces a Degrassi band slam and invites the kids to form bands and "rock oot." Harry Potter tells Connor they should try oot.

Harry Potter and Connor sign them and Mini-Connor up. They are the first sign-ups. They will probably be the only sign-ups. Sav pops out from behind the door. He was there all afternoon just waiting for someone to finally sign-up for his stupid contest. They tell Sav they want to be in a band to look cool and get girls. Sav agrees that is the route to take because, he says, before he was in a band, "I used to be a dorky loser like you guys." Excuse me, used to be?

Fitz shoves Adam against some lockers. Adam is a transgender boy and he hit that locker tits first. That had to hurt. But the kid has to hide the pain since no one can tell he is trans. The students at Degrassi are very unobservant.

Holly J needs to get a job to pay for college. Fiona tells her not to worry because she will be set when she becomes Declan's trophy wife and pop out babies for him. The birth defects that can come from incest babies are the only thing that stops Fiona from jumping into that role. Holly J says she needs money now so she doesn't become a loser who will live in "a van down by the river." Yup, Holly J doesn't want to become a fat and lonely motivational speaker. I don't know how many of our teenage readers will know that reference. Comedy Central doesn't rerun SNL anymore which is very sad.

Holly J finds some photos on Declan's Facebook Facerange account of him with that blonde girl who was making out with Fiona's abusive boyfriend. Fiona and the blonde girl have the same taste in boys. Holly J shoots him an email. His email address is just declan by the way. So if any of you kids want to email Declan from Degrassi, just type "declan" into the To field and click Send.

Holly J scrapes the money to go to New York, but Declan tells her not to come. He says this over the webcam while he is fencing. Seriously. He has his laptop open in the fencing room. The blonde girl is his fencing partner. Now Holly J is convinced Declan is cheating on her. You only swordfight with your honey!

Holly J thinks she will not be able to go to Yale now, and her mother basically agrees. Thanks, mom. Holly J packs away her "Most Likely to Succeed" plaque with its stock image star and no Degrassi logo. Degrassi's art department needs to put more effort into their work.

Eli tries to make peace with Fitz, but Fitz kicks him in the nuts. Yes, that really happens. That's low.

To get a handle on how wrong that is, I contacted a college friend on Facebook, Mike "Mustang", for his opinion. He's kind of a "mans-pert" which is an expert on all things man and not a new word for semen. He's still in college, which is odd because he was a senior when I was a freshmen, and I graduated a couple of years ago but he is still a student. He's one of those guys who spend 12 years in college because they are afraid of the real word. I mean, being in college that long makes sense if you are going for a PhD, but he is still an undergrad. I don't know how he can afford it.

Mike "Mustang" McCurry says:

DUDE! NOT COOL DUDE! You do not DO NOT kick another bro in the balls, dude! That's the first rule of the Bro Code. It's a severe violation of Man Law, which is even higher than the Bro Code. It's a felony of Man Law! A felony!

Two things you have to respect: balls and beer. Without them you're nothing man, nothing. Respect them.

Oh man I got do drunk last night, man. So drunk. I was partying it up at Sig House getting it on with some babes. They were butterfaces, but I was so friggin wasted it didn't matter. They were turned on that I was alive in the 70s.

Then Larry and me was chugging 40s of Mickeys and Larry threw up cause he's a bitch and OH MY GOD he spilled his beer! YOU DON'T WASTE BEER DUDE MAN LAW DUDE! It was all on his pants and the floor. I had to take action. I slurped up all the beer on the floor and on his legs and kept going to his crotch. Then he unzipped his fly and I accidentally gave him a blowjob. I was drunk gotta party! DUDE I NEVER WANNA LEAVE COLLEGE!

Eli meets Adam at the Dot and tells him about getting kicked in the testicles. Adam is all like, 'Oh yeah, that hurts so bad. I know what that feels like too, of course. I get hit in the nads every week.'

Adam handled that awkwardly, but still better than I would. If was a trans boy, I think I would be way more insecure and just talk about my penis all the time to try and throw people off. I'd say things like, 'Yeah oh man, Anya is so hot. She has, like, zero cellulite. I don't know how she does it. She gets my penis so hard I have to masturbate my penis to her every day. Into a sock because that's what we do like The Red Hot Chili Peppers. I just grab my penis and stroke it with my two fingers it in a circle, just like every dude. Yeah I'm a man with a penis. Booyah.'

Adam should stick up for his friend by challanging Fitz to a round of Roshambo. The bully will have no idea what he is walking into.

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photo credit: Mike "Mustang" McCurry: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nym/1322783309

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