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Degrassi TNG: Soap Opera Summer 2010 - Week 4

"My Body Is A Cage" part 1

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Adam and Drew's mom drops them off to school. Adam is a transgender boy and complains that his mom won't let him try out for football. Oh, Adam, even ignoring the trans thing, you are a tiny little Marco sized boy. You'd get killed on a football field. Or at least you would against a real high school football team. This is Degrassi, so I think Adam would have a shot. There was an actual, self-identified girl on the team last year, and she was one of the best players. Sure, Adam produces no testosterone, but that hasn't stopped Sav, so I definitely believe he could make the team.

Adam's mom wants him to dress up in girl mode when his grandmother visits. Adam refuses, saying he is done playing dress up. He has picked his style, and it's white boy wannabe rapper. He is way over dressed, though. Canada never gets that cold on this show.

Eli walks up to Adam and makes a Michael Jackson reference that Adam and I don't get. I only know Michael Jackson songs that were turned into Weird Al parodies or are named "Thriller". If you want to make a Michael Jackson reference I will understand, you're going to have to stick to calling him a pedophile. Adam was around 5 when he died, so probably doesn't even know who Michael Jackson is.

Clare joins them. She is miffed over Eli's two page story about a girl named Clare who is a whore.

Anya wants her mom to give her a ride to school but her mom says she is very sick. Anya pulls a "No you're not sick, give me a ride" and then pouts about having to take the smelly bus. Anya is becoming more annoying with each episode she is in.

I don't know why Anya isn't at school yet. Every other character is there. She has to take the bus, so she can't be late because buses don't wait around for late kids. Or maybe it's still early in the morning. I'm so used to bitching about Degrassi's inconsistences that I assume everything is a plot hole now. All I know is half this season is taking place during the summer yet they are in school, which messes with my head. These summer episodes should take place in a summer camp or something, where the younger characters are campers and the older ones are counselors. I just know that the Tiny Toon Adventures summer vacation special kicked ass and Degrassi should have done something like that. Fuck man, I love Tiny Toons.

Also, the first time I watched this scene, I thought Anya's mom had a British accent. Then I watched it a second time and she sounded Canadian. This is what happens when I watch these episodes drunk at my computer. My counselor says I should never drink alone, but I am never alone when I have my Degrassi friends.

Adam has to take remedial gym because it might lead to trouble if he went into the boys locker room without a penis (didn't stop JT or Toby hahahahaha). Guys are always starring at each other's wangs in the locker room, so keeping Adam away might be the safest call. Adam fancies Alex II, who Wikipedia says is named Bianca.

And apparently, the Degrassi wardrobe department has decided that bad girls wear hoop earrings. The lady who handles wardrobe must have been bullied in high school by a mean girl who wore hoop earrings. They are as traumatic to her as swastika is to the Jews.

The remedial gym teacher takes roll and accidentally calls out Gracie Torres, Adam's birth name. I don't know why Adam changed his name. Gracie works as a boy or girl's name. I worked with several men named Gracie when I had my job selling teddy bears out of the trunk of a car.

OK, so Anya did get to school late. I guess the bus swung back to her house after it dropped everyone else off.

Archeologists have unearthed this stone carving underneath the school. It was part of a temple where ancient Iroquois performed human sacrifice. The school was built over that graveyard, which is why the school seems cursed, there is that unexplained wailing noise every winter solstice, and why anyone who ventures down to the basement never returns.

Mini-Connor borrowed the Godfather DVD from that history teacher because I guess they are friends or something. You may remember that teacher had to attend anger management classes because he kept harping on White Webster for never doing his school work and that hurt White Webster's precious feelings. Maybe he's swung too far to the other end of the pendulum and wants to be the kids' friend now. Remember, you can't spell teacher without pal.

Mini-Connor entertains the teacher with a Godfather impression, which is the worst Godfather impression I have ever heard. I think Mini-Connor is confused. Instead of doing a Marlon Brando voice, he appears to be trying to do an Al Capone-type voice, which is totally different and never appeared anywhere in the Godfather. Also, his Al Capone sounds like a cowboy. Did Mini-Connor even watch the movie? It's pretty long, maybe he didn't get through all of it. I hope he at least watched to the part where the one mobster calls black people animals.

You know, because it's part of a very important scene.

Anya brings Leia over to her house, but yells to her parents to not come downstairs naked. Leia says it is nothing she hasn't seen before. Leia has been over before when Anya's parents have had their naked time. In other news, Leia is still on the show.

Anya's parents are gone and she finds her mom's wedding ring on the table. Leia says this means that Anya's mom is having an affair. She doesn't have much evidence, but Leia is doing that thing where teenagers will latch onto the craziest possible outcome to a situation because they want drama in their lives. Also, Leia is doing that thing where teen girls want to make their friends to feel like shit.

Adam and Bianca have some chemistry brewing. They chat at her locker, but Adam suddenly has to excuse himself. Adam smacks into Clare and a whole bunch of his tampons spill on the floor. Oh my! Adam makes Clare take them so nobody will know the bloody, bloody truth. Clare is weirded out by this. Due to her strict Christian upbringing, she sees her period as a monthly reminder of her sin and doesn't like to handle "Satan's napkins".

Adam had a lot of tampons fall on the floor. If I was a woman who needed that many tampons in one day, I'd probably want to be a dude too.

The next day, we get to see the elaborate process Adam goes through each morning to look like a dude. You ask me, Adam is still more of a man than Peter. Or Sav. Or Craig. Or Mr. Simpson. Definitely more than Connor/Mini-Connor/White Connor/Webster/White Webster/JT or Toby. Or season 6 Sean or season 4 Spinner. Basically, Adam is more of a man than any other guy in the show besides season 4 Sean. Because season 4 is when Sean killed a guy, and you don't get any manlier than that.

Eli and Clare wonder why Adam had tampons. Clare throws out the idea that maybe he had a nose bleed. Look, Clare, I know you're rather naive, but no man is ever going to touch a box of tampons unless he's trans man who is still getting periods, or is incredibly pussy whipped. And you know Adam is single. Adam comes out to Eli and Clare. There's some Trans 101 education stuff, because this is a very special episode.

Adam hits on Bianca. That's bad news bears, as the kids said when I was that age. Bianca touches his chest, but feels something unexpected. Bianca is all WTF and rips open his shirt and sees his chest binder. She knows what that is for, too. I think most kids would have assumed he has a cracked rib.

By the way, Adam, you're supposed to wear the boob binder underneath your shirt. Darn kids today don't know how to conceal their breasts.

Mini-Connor made a motorcycle blog for Media Immersion. He posted pictures taken from Ms. Oh's Facebook Facerange account. Being a young teacher, Ms. Oh uses Facebook Facerange to post her photos and way too much personal information. This is as opposed to the older teachers, who use it to spy on their children and compare their lives to former classmates they haven't seen in twenty years. Or me, who uses it to send racist messages to white celebrities. Reese Witherspoon is a cracker ass honky and she needs to know it. Several times a day.

I don't even know what Mini-Connor's plan was, unless that plan was to get sent to detention. Is he trying to befriend Ms. Oh? Why? Let's just move on.

Anya teams up with Holly J and Sav to make a volcano for a class project. They are going to create a model of Vesuvius and Pompeii, and I'm sure we all don't need to go to Wikipedia to learn what that is.

Holly J and Sav are dating but do not want to tell Anya because she painfully broke up with Sav three or four times now. They worry Anya will be upset. They are not worried that I am upset that Holly J has fallen for such a great big flake.

Fitz and Owen, the season 10 bullies, corner Adam in the boys room. They talked to Bianca while smoking outside of the dollar store and demand to see his penis. Fitz and Owen ask every boy in the bathroom this. They're like, "Yo dude, we want to see your penis. We're totally not gay, we just want to make sure you ain't a transsexual. Let us see your penis. It's not gay. Show us your penis."

Fitz and Owen are so angry Adam refused to show them his penis that they carry Adam out of the bathroom and throw him into a hallway door, so hard it breaks the glass. Wow. Interesting logic Fitz and Owen go by: if he's a boy, leave him alone; if she's a girl, kick her ass.

Drew wants to revenge on his little brother's attackers. Adam tells him not to do anything, he will go to the LGBT club. And the LGBT club will kick Fitz and Owen's ass. Drew wants to rumble with Fitz, but just gets beat up. Pretty badly, too. Fitz throws him against a fence and punches him a bunch of times. Fitz is a jerk.

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