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Degrassi: "Umbrella" part 1

Season 10 Episodes 29 & 30
Canadian airdate: October 29th & November 5th, 2010

Boycott the Caf name: "Clare Has PMS"
Important characters: Adam, Clare, Drew, Ellie, Fiona, Mini-Connor, White Connor
Issue of the Week: Clare needs some Midol

Part [1 - 2]

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Since Clare's parents are splitting up, they have decided to sell their house. Clare is really sad over the news because she tells her folks she loves the house. "Great," she says as she gets all pouty, "Should I start packing up my room?" Her parents tell her yes. Her dad has rented a moving van. Or it could be a mini-van. They just said they rented a van. That can be a lot of things.

Clare is forlorn to see an old watch getting packed away. She is upset that her dad is putting into storage the watch he taught her time with and no one wears. Clare is way too sad over this. I think Clare is on her period. That's the only reason she could be this emotional over a watch she never wears. Like every other young person, she tells time with her cell phone. Also, that was a men's watch, so Clare was never going to wear it anyway.

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Clare gives Ellie the watch she wept over. You can tell it's a men's watch because the face is large enough that it can fit in all twelve hour marks and you can tell time with it. Women's watches are too small for you to ever be able to tell time on, and only have the marks for 12, 3, 6, and 9, if you are lucky. They really only function as stupid jewelry. With a women's watch, you are like, "OK, it's sometime between 3 and 6 o'clock. Unless this watch is upside down, then it's between 9 and 12. I'm pretty hungry, so it could be either."

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Next plot! Mini-Connor (the black one) is getting sick of White Connor (the white one). So am I. So am I. Since Connor Prime (the dumb one) is away, Mini-Connor yearns to be around other black people. He finds them at their natural habitat, the Jimmy Brooks United Outdoor Basketball Court. He starts playing with them. White Connor asks if he can play. That's inappropriate English. The correct way to ask is "May I play?" But can you play? No, White Connor, you cannot. You are physically incapable of playing basketball.

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Next plot! Drew had decided to pursue Fiona. They met when she came into the gym where Adam and Drew were setting up for some charity thing, probably something involving raising money so the cheerleaders can buy new uniforms. Remember when the cheerleaders would fund-raise every year for new uniforms? Why did they need new uniforms every single year? I think it's because the cheer captain changed every year. And the new captain always assumed power after the last captain had to resign in disgrace. New uniforms are the way the new captain tries to assert her position and rejuvenate the squad after scandal.

Anyway, Fiona enters the gym. Some guitar music plays and the camera pans from her feet to her head, as if we are to be impressed that Fiona has arrived. Maybe we should be impressed that she managed to be here instead of passed out in a dumpster with an empty bottle of rum in her mouth. Hey, she wants to make a cool entrance, she should have burst through the gym doors in a motorcycle. That's the Uncle Jesse way. Or "Iron Man" should play every time she enters a room. That would be narly.

Fiona isn't sure why she is here. The boys inform her that every student has to perform 40 hours of community service in order to graduate. Her options are either to help out here, work in a soup kitchen, or change diapers at an old folks home. "I can't wear a hairnet or..." Fiona pauses, "what was the other one?" Either Fiona thinks wearing a hairnet is worse that changing an old man's diaper or she is drunk again.

Drew tries to flirt with her. He can smell the Jack Daniels on her breath, so he knows this will be easy. But she ignores his advances. He is under 21, so he is useless to her. Or wait...what's the drinking age in Ontario? It's 19, right? *Googles* Yup, it is. Yeah, so Drew is still too young to take care of her needs.

Drew's stupid pickup line was, "it's ironic you're making something that measures heat." No it's not ironic, you little jack-a-doodle. No wonder Fiona doesn't like you. Shut up your face and learn what irony is. It would be ironic if Fiona was working on a device that would protect people from heat, but it ended up malfunctioning and setting her on fire. It would be ironic if Fiona thought she was super knowledgable on the subject of how to build this device so she ignored the safety manual and accidentally made the device unsafe. It would be ironic if other people wanted to help her build the device but Fiona told them to leave because she did not need their help, then she had no one around to help her when she caught on fire. That would make an awesome episode, too.

Let's move onto Clare and her parents.

Clare: I have a proposal.

Dad: Uh-oh. That's what Darcy said when she wanted to go to Africa. And that was two years ago. I wonder why she's not back yet?

Clare proposes that she remain in their current home. Her parents can then rotate by living in the house one week and their separate apartments the next week. They will each trade weeks they live with her, because it's easy for two people to afford three places to live. Ellie gave her this idea. He said he knew a kid who stayed in his old house after his parents left and did just fine on his own. This kid must have been Sean. Too bad Canada no longer has student welfare or Clare could have it sweet and easy. Her parents rightly point out that this idea is not feasible so Clare throws a fit. "Darcy is gone!" she cries. "You two are separating. The house is the only family I have left!" Someone give Clare some Midol. Seriously, the only reason a woman could get this emotional over an object that isn't chocolate is if she has a raging case of PMS. If I sound sexist, it's because it's the only way to explain Clare's attitude change from last season.

I like that the show is letting us know they haven't forgotten about Darcy, though Shane Grimes is doing her best to forget about Degrassi. They also tend to talk about Darcy as if she died in Africa. It would make sense to have Darcy be here, and I don't think the CW is really that big a step up from having been on Nickelodeon 8: The Ocho, but Grimes will never set foot in Canada again. Who can blame her? Los Angeles has all the cocaine she can dream of.

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Clare runs off to a date with Ellie and his parents at Applebees North. I'm pretty sure Ellie's parents are the crazy cousins from the Vacation movies. Randy Quaid is in Canada right now, seeking asylum for being insane, so it could very well be him at the table.

Ellie's parents offer Clare a place to stay while she is fighting with her parents. Clare thinks they are offering her a spare bedroom, but Ellie's parents want her to share Ellie's room. "We've been trying to get a girl into Ellie's room for awhile now," Ellie's dad tells her. Yeah, that is something Cousin Eddie would say.

Clare and Ellie have a private conversation. Ellie's former girlfriend stayed in his room when her parents kicked her out for dressing provocatively and trying to get breast surgery. Clare says she is not like that Latina slut because she is saving her lady bits for marriage. She is just saying that because she is bleeding down there worse than the walls in The Shining and doesn't want Ellie to surf the Red Sea.

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Drew's next step to win over Fiona is to wear a suit, because Fiona is classy. Why would anyone thing Fiona is classy? Because she is rich? Ever hear of Paris Hilton? Did Drew not hear about the time Fiona brought a pig to school and slept off a hangover in class?

Anyway, the suit is great on him because now he looks just like the boy who abused Fiona. She turns him down again. Drew wants some help from his little brother, Adam. Adam has lived as a girl for most of his life, so he must have some helpful insights.

Drew: What do you know about girls, anyhow?

Adam: I know that the vulva has three holes. Or did I just BLOW YOUR MIND!?

Drew: What's a vulva?

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In her time of need, Clare returns to Jesus Club. She and Ellie actually refer to the club by that name, even though its real name is Friendship Club. We here at Boycott the Caf call it that as well. I wonder if the writers copied that from us. Though Jesus Club is a common label used to mock any student based Christian group. I remember calling the one my sister attended by that name, which was before Darcy was even introduced on the show, and I don't think I was the first person to come up with that either.

When I was a teenager, I once started a lively discussion at a party over whether ninjas were better than pirates. I took a firm pro-piracy stance, arguing that at least pirates are white. I thought I had created the now famous Ninjas vs. Pirates debate there, but I'm not sure how everyone on the internet could have gotten it from me. I like to think I started it somehow, on a message board I no longer post to or something, but I admit it was probably many different people across the country who began the discussion in parallel. Debating the merits of Ninjas vs. Pirates does sound like the total waste of time thing that thousands of Millenials would just randomly participate in.

The new leader of Jesus Club invites Clare back, telling her "it must be hard watching your family crumble around you." That's really catty, Jesus Club president.

The club is happy to have Clare return. Darcy was a legend and the club wants Clare to continue that legacy of hot prudes. They tell Clare that her parents divorce is all part of God's plan.

"His plan sucks," interjects Ellie, who is with Clare. The Christian club members ask Ellie why he came here. Ellie replies that he is "Just a guy trying to have a rational discussion." Come on Ellie, I think these guys are stupid too, but it's rude to sit in on a Christian organization and belittle their beliefs. Save that for the internet.

Ellie is really annoying. It's not just this scene, it's the fact that he spent the entire summer season needlessly egging on Fitz. And every student at Degrassi has to put up with all this extra security and rules because of him. I don't know why the show expects us to be on Ellie's side. Oh, wait, yes I do. These are the same writers who thought Peter and Craig were likeable. Oh well, it's not my tax dollars that are paying for this show.

You know, many Americans complain about how much money we waste on the military, and I agree with them. However, I would much rather my taxes go to fund a $10 million unmanned aerial drone that kills children in Afghanistan than a TV show like Degrassi. If I knew I was helping to fund Degrassi, I don't know how I could sleep at night.

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On to the Connors' plot. Mini-Connor's father is one of the cops who patrols the school. White Connor is happy about this because the police presence will keep bullies from picking on him. The fact that you have to rely on the cops to protect you from bullies is nothing to brag about. Even Toby wouldn't need that. He had Sean, the anti-police. Sean and Toby have parted ways, but Toby still knows how to protect himself. You pick on Toby, then don't be surprised if your name suddenly shows up on an online sex offender registry.

Mini-Connor does not want the brothers to finds out his dad is a cop. Black people aren't a fan of the po-leece. It's ridiculous the way this cop is hassling the black kids by saying hello to them. Why is his singling out the black kids for a hello? That's profiling! I'm sorry, I thought this was America!

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White Connor is jealous that Mini-Connor is making friends with people who do not have a Connor designation or are an online predator. He lets the word out to the black community that Mini-Connor is the policeman's son. Now Mini-Connor has been cast out as an Uncle Tom.

Worse, White Connor is his only friend (until Connor gets back from Asperger Camp). White Connor was mean. That was worse than when Toby was jealous of JT hanging out with the cool kids and spilled the beans about the penis challenged boy's wet dream. But this puts Mini-Connor in more danger because JT never had to worry about being the victim of a drive-by.

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Clare talks to her mom. Her mom shows her a photograph of when her dad took Darcy and her skiing. Darcy has the same ski outfit and orange glow from the episode where she got raped at a ski lodge. That was in season 7, which took place in 2007, though with Degrassi it could have been set in the year 2023 for how they mess with time. My point is, Clare was introduced in season 6 and looks younger in this photo than she did in season 7, if that even is her in the photo. I wonder if the show had enough foresight bring in Clare to take a family photo to be used in the future, however I doubt the producers would ever think that far ahead. Clare and Darcy didn't even have parents until, like, this season. It must be a Photoshop job. If I was younger, I would have the energy to go into a bitter rant and ask for your emails so we can get to the bottom of this, but I don't care. Let's just ignore it.

Anyway, Clare's mom tells her daughter she regrets never taking risks, or playing RISK, which inspires Clare to run to Ellie's house and beg him to have sex with her. Cousin Eddie and Katherine give them a "Heck yeah!"

Adam tries to talk to Fiona about his brother, but it seems that Fiona may be taking a shine to Adam. She is at the time in her menstrual cycle when she prefers men with more feminine faces. "I'm not looking for anything physical," she tells him. That's a huge relief for Adam. Like Mr. Simpson, he is a man without a penis, so he has no idea what he will do when the time comes and a girl wants to have sex with him. Mr. Simpson just curls up in the corner of his bedroom and weeps. Adam's plan was to turn off the lights and use a hotdog.

Part [1 - 2]

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