Degrassi: "Chasing Pavements" part 2
Fiona and Holly J are getting ready to fly back to Canada. They are both wearing fancy dresses. Fiona says they will be taking a private jet, which doesn't make sense to wear a fancy dress in. Fiona then says they are going to a fashion show in Milan. Which is it? It makes even less sense to wear that dress on an eight hour flight to Europe. I suspect this may be a dream because everything is as orange as when Toby daydreamed about Emma.
The girls kiss and then Fiona wakes up. OK, so it is a dream. When Canadians dream, is everything orange?
After the theme song, we're back at Degrassi. Fiona wants Holly J to spend time with her, but Holly J says she has to hang out with Sav or he'll get all emo and make her a mix CD. That's trouble because Sav has shitty taste in music and Holly J doesn't have a CD player because it's 2011. You give a kid a compact disc these days and they'll only know what to do with it because it looks like something you put into a computer. When I was a teenager, it used to be that you would burn a CD of cools songs for a friend and they could play it in their car as long as they had the adaptor you stick into a tape deck or an aftermarket CD player installed at the car speaker/cell phone store.
Now everyone has mp3 players which make sharing music less intimate. "Here, I made you a playlist of songs to download. You can get them all off Pirate Bay." Then you may have to teach that person how to use BitTorrent. Or do it the honest way. "Here, I made you a playlist of songs to download. And here's an iTunes gift card. But you can only use it to buy the songs on the list."
Alli wants to throw a dance on the condition that the students do well on the standardized math test. She pitches her idea over the school TV system and really sells it. Alli wants to be the world's new #1 pitchman. With Billy Mays gone to the cocaine fueled informercial in the sky, it is time our generation's informercial spokesperson to rise. No one even likes that Australian guy anyway.
Mr. Simpson calls Alli to his office. He looks really worn down. I think the vice principal recently retired, so Simpson has had to take on his duties until the school board can set aside the money for a replacement, and who knows how long that will be now that the Teabaggers have won a majority of school board seats? The Tea Party's first priority is to eliminate the teachers' pensions and benefits. You see, many jobs offer neither benefits nor a pension, so the only way to make everything fair to is take away the pension and benefits from jobs that do. Also, the school board is refusing to hire a vice principal until Degrassi cuts all funding to Planned Parenthood, which the school doesn't fund because PP is located in the US and Degrassi is a school.
Simpson is having a tough time trying to do the job of two men when he is barely one. He tried to wash the cheerleaders' uniforms, but he put too much soap into the washing machine and now the whole room is filling with suds! At the same time, the roast he was cooking has been in the oven way too long and smoke is flying out and setting off the smoke alarm. To top it off, the superintendant is calling on the phone and you can not make him wait! Oy vey!
Simpson doesn't like that Alii scheduled a dance without getting his permission, but Alli is a female, and years of being married to Spike has taught him to never disagree with a woman, so he signs off on it. Also, Alli will be doing all the work. And with that handshake, Alli is now Degrassi's vice principal.
Adam and Fiona are making out. I like how the camera comes in on them from the catwalk, like someone is up there and watching g them get busy. I know what that view is like. What's funny is that a few minutes earlier, Fiona's mom was setting them up with snacks. She's offered them delicious kettle chips or something that isn't kettle chips so it sucks. "Enjoy the movie," Fiona's mom says. "I'll be back in an hour." When she comes back, the movie will still be playing.
Fiona sticks her hand under Adam's shirt and says she likes Adam's soft tummy. Adam says he will get a six-pack one day, and I thought he was talking about buying beer., which tells you how often I work out. Fiona tells him not to because she likes that his tummy is soft like a girl's tummy. I think the girl who plays Adam has a flat stomach, but I don't know if there is a difference between a flat stomach on a guy or girl, because I don't know anyone who has one.
Adam tells Fiona that what she really wants is to be with a girl, and they break up.
The next day at school, Alli bothers Drew to get him to study math so the school can have the dance. Why is Alli so worked up about the math test? She really believes that if the school does poorly then Simpson and all the teachers will be fired, even the ones who don't teach math. And Alli must think that if Simpson is fired, Alli will be kicked back out of Degrassi, even though she never was booted in the first place. Leave it to Alli to be this stressed about a crisis which she is to dumb to realize does not matter or exist.
Drew is going to blow off studying, but then Bianca orders him to so she can have a dance. Drew has no choice but to submit to Alli. Man, look at the way Drew let two girls knock him down. Drew is going to be the new Mr. Simpson.
This scene has two of my favorite things, lesbian tension and BLTs. Holly J is eating a tasty BLT when Fiona comes in and she says she and Adam broke up. Fiona can give up on trying to find a replacement for Adam's lack of a penis. After Adam left, she tried to stick a cucumber up in there, but it came out a pickle.
That night, Holly J sleeps over in Fiona's cave. They are cuddled on her couch watching TV. "The Notebook is a true classic," weeps Holly J, who probably hasn't seen any movie made before 1996. I can't tell if the show is making fun of Holly J for having crappy taste in movies or I should be making fun of the writers for having crappy taste in movies.
If this scene took place in my life, it would be Johnny Dangerous and I sharing a blanket on his parent's couch while we cry over The Fox and the Hound. Then his parents would come downstairs and all both queers.
Over in Anyaland, Anya felt sorry for Owen and asked Armstrong, the only black man in the world who can't pull off a shaved head, to let the boy back into CPR class. Armstrong does because Armstrong doesn't care that much either way.
Owen comes to the Dot to thank Anya for overlooking him being an SOB. He then ruins it by giving her a bear hug and trying to noozle her neck. I would guess he also humped her, but the camera stayed above the equator.
Degrassi has a classic half-assed feminist moments (how I miss Emma) when Anya tells Owen off for touching her without permission. Anya asks a table full of girls if they think it's OK for Owen to do what he did. The girls are apparently a study group from an Emily Dickinson class at the college, so they all scowl at Owen. Owen feels outnumbered and leaves. Bad luck for him that he is the only man in the Dot tonight. On Tuesday nights, the Dot becomes a lesbian bar.
Anyone want odds on when Anya and Owen will become a couple? This is the Degrassi, where half the couples in the show's history started out hating each other. And Anya was mildly attracted to him in part 1, despite his sex(y)ist comments towards her.
Holly J has to go to sleep early because of her kidneys. Fiona stares at some wine and then her mom pops in and asks if they enjoyed the movie. Is Fiona's mom referring the movie Fiona and Adam were watching yesterday? She said she was only going to be gone for an hour. Fiona's mom must have stepped outside of time warp that surrounds Degrassi. She went across town for one hour and when she re-entered the warp, she was propelled forward a full day.
Fiona stares at Holly J, who is asleep, and then closes the door. Fiona's bedroom has no windows and closes with a rusty metal door. I'm glad this place is being rented to Fiona instead of a serial killer.
Fiona confesses to her mother that she loves Holly J and never felt this way about a boy other than Declan. Fiona's mom is totally accepting, which makes her the first parent in Degrassi history to react positively to her child coming out. The rich are just better people.
The school takes the big math test, and at the end of the day, Simpson tells Alli that the math scores rose 11 points. I didn't know you could get the standardized test results for the whole school that quickly. Also that Alli could boost the school's math scores even though she only had, like, two days to do it. Way to owe your job to a five foot tall girl, Simpson.
ASIAN FIST BUMP!
Fiona meets Holly J at her nursing home. I have worked in enough adult care facilities to know where she is. That recliner is built for an old man three times Holly J's weight. Fiona tells Holly that she likes girls, but cannot tell Holly J that she likes her.
Fiona has caught up in her pursuit, but she will still be chasing pavements.
Poor Adam. I'm going to have to have a talk with the lad.
Stay Tuned After Degrassi:
In the early years of Boycott the Caf, one of the first I articles I wrote back in 2005 was "Other Shows on The-N - Part 1". I always meant to write a Part 2, but then The-N got rid of every other show they had besides Degrassi. In fact, none of the shows I wrote about that article have slot on The-N's lineup today. For awhile, The-N only had two shows, Degrassi and That 70's Show, which was cool except for when they aired Degrassi.
I think The-N only had enough money for one original program, and for some reason, they stuck with Degrassi and went from having around five original shows to one.
The-N doubled their original programing last year when they debuted a new show after Degrassi, Gigantic. There is no God damn way I will watch it, even to make fun of it. What I can ascertain from the promos, it is a show about children of Hollywood stars and it is awful. I think someone at The-N thought they needed a version of Entourage for teenage girls but the network doesn't have the money for celebrity cameos, so they had to create celebrities that only exist in the world of this show. I do think it's funny that the show is called Gigantic and one of the characters is!
The titular character of Gigantic
You may have noticed that some of these screencaps were crisp and clear and some were a tad blurry. I watched these episodes at teennick.com and their Degrassi Player seems to fluctuate in quality based on my available bandwidth. And I have been downloading Homicide: Life on the Street all month. I am not about to turn off BitTorrent just to watch Degrassi. Watching Degrassi gets me down so I need to watch Homicide to feel better again.
Part [1 - 2]