The Web BtC

Ashley Kerwin

Seasons featured: 1-7

Nicknames: That girl with the triangle hair cut (Season 1) , Goth (Season 2), That girl who is a huge cunt (All seasons)

Gimmicks: Straight lace student council president (season 1) Goth (season 2) musician (season 3) Cunt (all seasons)

Defining Traits: Thinks about nobody but herself, plays music despite lack of talent

Greatest Moment: Used the power of rock and roll to drive away a rapist.

If She Were an Animal: Skunk

In the first season Ashley Kerwin was DJ Tanner. Walked the line, got all As, leader of her class, and freaked out if the smallest thing went wrong like if she got a B+ on a test or somebody bought the wrong balloons for the dance. This is due to her being such a perfectionist that she believes any imperfection having to do with anything she is involved in makes her appear to be imperfect. I’m sure you went to school with somebody like that. Nobody really likes her because she is so bitchy and they make fun of her behind her back all the time but she keeps winning class elections because nobody else wants the position.

At the end of season 1 Ashley gets all hopped up on goof balls during a party and finally becomes a fun person. She dances, makes out with Sean, and drinks toilet water, all stuff I do at parties. The fun stops when she calls Paige a hag. Sure Paige called her a hag first but you aren’t allowed to insult Paige even if she insults you. All of Ashely’s friends immediately abandon her except for Terri who is lured away during season 2 leaving Ashley alone. Ashley being the clever duck she is, befriends Ellie who also has no friends. It’s a solid plan. You have no friends so be friends with the other person with no friends. That’s how Dumb Baby got started. In order to be a better friend to Ellie, Ashley adopts the Goth look and lifestyle.

By season 3, Ashley has all her friends back and is also dating Craig. Considering she is friends with the cool kids plus Craig and Ellie, it seems like Ashley actually came out ahead if you think about it. I suppose that’s until Craig cheated on her. That kind of sucks. Oh, I forgot to mention earlier that Ashley dated Jimmy in season 1. She’ll end up dating him again because the writers like to get couples together again after they break up because its easier to remember. When relationship A ends you go on to B. When B ends its back to A up until the people in the relationship are all fired and have to do ads for Canadian hygiene products.

Like I mentioned, Craig cheated on Ashley in the third season. Ashley was able to figure out that Manny was pregnant and wanted to keep it secret, so Ashley announced it in the cafeteria. The one time we had a reason to be sympathetic towards Ashley and she ruins it by being a huge cunt. Her beef was with Craig not Manny. Did further destroying Manny’s life help anything? I’m pretty sure it didn’t. The rest of that season Ashley sat at home in bed. I’m sure her parents, knowing how much Ashley likes music, tried to make a comparison to Brian Wilson, but Ashley had no idea who they were talking about. Her knowledge of music pretty much is based on what t-shirts are being sold at Hot Topic.

For some unknown reason Ashley and Craig get back together. I don’t know why. I don’t think there is a reason. You don’t usually get back together with the guy who cheated on you and strung you along for awhile. Craig proposes to Ashley who says no because she’s a bitch not an idiot. This makes Craig freak out in bi polar rage. Ashley’s gay dad beats up Craig and we all laugh because he got beat up by a gay. Then Ashley goes to England for awhile. Craig goes insane and becomes homeless for half an episode.

Nice one Ashley.

Ashley was suppose to be going to school in England, but when she comes back to school she has to repeat senior year along with Jimmy and Spinner. You would think that she could transfer the credits but I guess not. During this last year Ashley basically just repeats prior storylines she has had. She dates Jimmy, unsuccessfully tries to have sex with him, and tries to become a musician. The trouble with Ashley wanting to be a musician is that she can’t write songs or sing, or not be a douche bag. Jimmy helps Ashley out by rapping to her songs, which makes them popular. Ashley however can’t do anything that is the least bit not selfish so she deletes his raps from her music before sending her demo tape to the record company. I assume this is the same record company that Rush and Barenaked Ladies are signed to. Jimmy finds out Ashley deleted his rap and calls her a bitch. Finally Ashley leaves the show in that retarded Spring Break road trip episode-- approximately four years since she was featured in a story.

Rating: D-

I was going to give an F except there is only one person who truly deserves it. Ashley gets the D- because she is a unique combination. Her stories are derivative and not usually all that interesting. Her character is selfish and evil. And to top it all off she is an annoying person. She’s one of those people who will write a crappy song and then blame you for not liking it. I hate people like that. No, I get what the song is about, I still think it sucks. Before all you weirdoes start emailing me to defend Ashley think about this for a second, has Ashley ever done a single thing that wasn’t purely in her own self interest? No, she has not. She is evil but also boring and gets a low grade.