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This episode is part of the Sour 16 set of reviews.
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"White Wedding" Part 1

Season 2 Episodes 12 & 13
Canadian airdate: January 5th, 2003

Boycott the Caf name: "Wedding Episode"
Important characters: Snake, Spike, Emma, Sean, Manny, JT & Toby
Issue of the Week: Weddings

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So Snake and Spike are getting married. Whoa! So this means a "Degrassi Special" much like the first episode and "Holiday." Damn it, this is going to be a heavy adult themed episode. I've stated time and time again that adult episodes are always bad. We should be thankful we only have to endure them once a season. Liberty episodes, on the other hand, pop up frequently and without warning.

Anyway, those wedding invitations may look kind of stupid, but they are helpful if you need to remember that Snake is the guy and Spike is the girl. I used to get their names mixed up all the time until I started this website and had to watch every single episode twenty times in order to review and screencap it. But for all you people who have a life (a minority of this site's readership) the invitation is a beneficial guide.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode twenty-seven

Ok, so Sean has been crushing on Emma since they broke up when Sean broke up Emma's skull last year. And while Emma thinks as positively of Sean as she must feel about the Republican Party, Manny suspects that Emma is still crushing on Sean as well. Manny gives Sean an invitation to the wedding while he is busying reading The Neverending Story. Sean is quite elated to receive the invitation and Manny hops about like a little girl on too much pixie sticks.

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JT and Toby are excited about this wedding because weddings mean bachelor parties and bachelor parties mean strippers. And strippers are naked women! If JT and Toby can get in on seeing the stripper at Mr. Simpson's bachelor party, it will be the first time JT, Toby or Mr. Simpson have ever seen a naked woman. Because the party is being held at Joey's, JT and Toby approach Craig to get in on the stripper. It's funny because Craig doesn't know who JT and Toby are. He's too cool for those nerdlingers.

JT inquires about the stripper, but Craig says Mr. Simpson won't allow a stripper at the party because Mr. Simpson isn't into girls. But JT can smooth talk anyone, and Craig agrees to go with them to recruit a stripper at Canada's second most popular strip club, after the one Mötley Crüe sang about in "Girls, Girls, Girls". Sweet, no cover either. That's good because when I go to a strip club, I need to do it on the cheap. I usually tip the girls nickels and quarters because it makes a nice sound when they dance.

But the big dude who guards the strip club won't let the underage kids in to hire a stripper. Toby tries to get a peak and sees something that gives him his first little erection. He thinks it's a hot chick's ass, but too bad it was just a really skinny guy. Weak.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode twenty-seven

Craig feels defeated. Not only did he not get a stripper, but he wasted the afternoon with JT and Toby. Look how pissed he is. And look how JT and Toby settle on drinking Mug root beer, a defiantly sub-par root beer. Mug is lame and has little flavor. If you simply must drink a mainstream root beer, at least get an A&W or Barq's, not something that tastes like the food they serve to diabetics.

Craig takes matters into his own hands and goes to Joey directly and asks Joey to hire a stripper. Joey says Simpson told him not to because it is sexist. What is the deal with Mr. Simpson and Degrassi? Enjoying naked females is not sexist. Simpson is just horribly whipped. Even though Joey does not want to hire a stripper, Craig orders him to so Joey has no choice. Craig is bigger than Joey and has more money.

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The wedding is shaping up to be a complete disaster. First, they get the wedding cake, but the cake company screwed up and send them a Bar mitzvah cake. I blame the Asian cake company. Asian immigrants shouldn't go about making holiday cakes because they don't understand Western holidays. It's too damn small to be a wedding cake anyway, unless Spike has decided that no one there for Snake will get a slice.

Emma goes to Spike to tell her about the cake catastrophe, but then Spike tells her that she (Spike, not Emma) is pregnant. Fuck up number 2.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode twenty-seven

Manny comes by to drink Mountain Dew and Emma tells her about the pregnancy. "Wow," Manny says, "How did it happen? I mean, I know how it happened." Yeah, Manny knows how that happens. Yeah. Can I get a "whoop whoop whoop" from my homies?

Manny tells Emma that she invited Sean to the wedding, but Emma doesn't want Sean at the wedding because Sean is a scrub.

Just then Emma's hair catches on fire.

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Emma's perm is ruined and this is supposed to be Wedding Fuck Up #3, but too bad Emma's fro is awesome. She should have kept this hairstyle for the rest of the show's run. It would have more than made up for the fact that Emma is growing into a teenager who looks like a skeleton coated in tan paint.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode twenty-seven

Some women come over, original characters from the old show. We'll eventually learn that the blonde one is Caitlin because she joins the show later on. I don't know who the black chick with the cane is, and I don't care. Don't send me emails explaining who black girl is and why she has a cane. They are joined by Joey, and the gang has fun talking about the wedding. However, Spike is troubled by her pregnancy and has yet to tell Snake.

Spike tries to think how to break the news to Snake and tells him to, "come here, talk to me."

"Yes, master," replies Snake.

Spike brings up the idea of having another baby, but Simpson says that would be a bad idea since he is poor and they cannot afford a baby at this time. Also, Simpson's time as a teacher has convinced him that he hates children.

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We jump now to Simpson's bachelor party. There are an awful lot of guys there and I find it hard to believe that Simpson has that many friends. We never see him hang out with anyone but Joey and Simpson probably doesn't make friends very well since he is always bitter and sarcastic to people. Joey must have gotten all these guys to come by giving them a steep discount on a car.

JT and Toby stop by, dressed as the slick cats they aren't. They want to see the stripper but Joey shoos them away because he doesn't need the semen stains on his couch. Or he doesn't need any more semen stains on his couch. No matter how small JT and Toby's stains would be.

Craig also isn't allowed to see the stripper so he goes to Joey's room to set his bed on fire.

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Spike, Caitlin and black woman have a bachelorette party in Toronto's Mexican district, because as Caitlin said (or black woman said it, I don't remember) "if Snake can go out tonight, so can you." Yeah, real radical idea there, Gloria Steinmen. Bachelorette parties have never been done before. How about Degrassi's lame little attempts at feminism?

But Spike is still nervous about being pregnant and threatens to kill some Mexicans. This is when Caitlin and black woman learn about her pregnancy. Now, this is the second time Spike has gotten pregnant out of wedlock and her friends try their best to convince her that she isn't a total fucking moron for making the same stupid mistake twice.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode twenty-seven

Meanwhile, Emma and Manny discuss the pregnancy. Manny thinks it is cool because she has twenty siblings so the more kids the merrier (Latinos love having babies). But Emma is concerned that her mom hasn't told Snake yet. Emma asks her mom about that and Spike insists she might have an abortion.

She should have thought about that option the first time this happened to her.

Part 2 -->

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