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This episode is part of the Sour 16 set of reviews.
Click here to see the series.

"Relax"

Season 2 Episode 17
Canadian airdate: January 26th, 2003

Boycott the Caf name: "Everyone Tells Liberty How Much She Sucks"
Important characters: Liberty, Paige, Terri
Issue of the Week: Boys are superior to girls

Degrassi The Next Generation episode thirty two

Tryouts are underway for the middle school girl's floor hockey team. I probably don't need to say girl's floor hockey team, because I doubt there is a boy's floor hockey team. If there is, it doesn't speak well for the Degrassi boys. I know hockey is huge in Canada, and maybe any type of hockey-like game is popular, but come on Canada, you're taking an awfully big leap to consider something like floor hockey to be a sport. I can see playing it in gym class for exercise, but to make it an actual team sport in which different schools compete against each other and there are practices and coaches...this is why the Canadian ambassador to the UN isn't allowed to sit with the cool counties at lunch. Canada's ambassador has to eat lunch at the crooked table in the back near the bathroom along with Bosnia and Luxembourg.

Liberty tries out for the team, but of course Liberty sucks. She sucks at floor hockey like she sucks at everything else, even sucking dick. Liberty does not make the team, but Ms. Hotass (who is the coach because she is the only other female adult at the school besides the Crazy Lunch Lady and practices with her would involve mopping the caf. Ms. Kwan is available, but an Asian can't coach a sport. I mean, let's be serious here) makes Liberty the team manager. Ms. Hotass only did this because everyone else made the team except Liberty.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode thirty two

The floor hockey roster is posted. Manny is pleased to know she made the team and Emma and Kendra initiate her into the team by spraying her binder with silly string.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode thirty two

It also turns out Liberty really likes Napoleon. Her report on Napoleon gets high marks from teacher who will get fired in four years for demanding a student do the work he is assigned.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode thirty two

Meanwhile, Terri is in to palm reading. Terri can examine your hand and figure out exactly what you last had to eat. "Hmm," she'll say, "I see traces of ketchup, and I smell...I smell...pork. Oh pork chops, oh yes.. Yes! Pork chops! Yes! Oh Yes! YES! OH YES! PORKCHOPS!"

I don't know if that came through well in print, but the joke is that Terri orgasmed due to the smell of pork chops. Because Terri is fat. I am so witty.

Paige has her palm read. Terri reads her palm and discovers that Paige is going to die soon. Seriously. That wasn't a throw away joke, this is the actual plot.

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Liberty's duties as manger mainly involves her washing the teams' laundry. In fact, I think that is her only duty. Liberty daydreams about the whole school cheering her for washing the clothes really well. Too bad the only time a crowd of people are chanting "Liberty, Liberty!" and carrying her is when they are about to burn her at the stake. At least that's how it plays out in my dreams each night.

Liberty complains to Coach Armstrong that the boys basketball team gets nice uniforms while the girl's floor hockey team has to wear ratty wife beaters. Armstrong is like, "There's a floor hockey team? What the fuck?" Liberty complains that boys' teams get 80% of the athletic funding and Armstrong says that there are more boys teams. Canada does not have a Title IX requirement. That's why in America girls and boys sports get equal numbers and funding. At least I think that is what it does. All I know is, thanks to Title IX, cheerleading is considered a sport to even out the gender gap.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode thirty two

Liberty asks Joey to sponsor the field hockey team so they can afford new uniforms. Joey says he can't because he is already sponsoring the basketball team. Joey can't because he has no money. We see Joey stealing toys from his neighbor's yard.

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So anyway, Paige is going to die. Terri the physic said so. Paige is actually very worried about this until she looks on the internet and leans that Terri fucked up the reading by looking at her left hand. Now Paige knows she is not going to die but she doesn't tell Terri this. Terri comes to Paige and hands her flowers. Terri has a crush on Paige.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode thirty two

Sean, Spinner, and Jimmy (who are all on the basketball team) berate Liberty for trying to muzzle in on their sponsorship money. Liberty challenges the boys to a floor hockey game. The winner will get Joey's sponsorship money. The boys are willing to take up the challenge because, hey, they are boys competing against girls younger than them. The girls are nervous about this for the same reason. But Liberty has full confidence in the girl's team because she is a tool.

What I don't get is why everyone is arguing so hard for Joey's money. They can probably find another business to sponsor a team. I imagine there is more than one business in Toronto, maybe even one that is actually profitable. I guess the other businesses in Canada, the lumber yard and the beaver mill, weren't interested in supporting athletics.

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Liberty's strategy for winning the game against the boys is to imitate Napoleon. For all her idolizing about Napoleon, does Liberty not realize that Napoleon lost in the end? I suppose not.

How about how lame Liberty looks in cape. For the most part, people actually look cooler in capes, but Liberty doesn't look good in anything that isn't an electric chair. I have a couple of cape anecdotes in my life. The first was a surprise party for someone in high school. We all hid in the basement and waited for the birthday boy to arrive. We heard him come in upstairs and then his mom yelled at him to get in the shower. So we were all standing in the basement for awhile. Finally we realized he wasn't going to come down there so we had to go upstairs and we found him in the living room sitting down and wearing a cape. That is how he unwinds after school. There is also a guy at college who wears a cape all the time. I call him cape man and he will strike up random conversations about anything with anyone, but usually they seem to along the line of how much he hates his family. I imagine he had an interesting childhood. His parents probably discouraged his cape wearing as a teen, believing wearing one would turn him into a social loser, but now that he is at college, he is free to wear a cape. His parents were right.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode thirty two

Paige has used her imminent death to guilt Terri to do things for her like write her report. Terri is willing to do this because she in love with Paige. But Ashley is annoyed that Paige has been disrespecting the dark arts and tells Terri what is up. Terri chases Paige through the school and sits on her face.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode thirty two

The boys tape a jack strap to Liberty's locker. That would be gross enough except that Liberty takes the jock strap and eats it. She totally does. It wasn't on the TV broadcast, but if you check the DVD it will be there.

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The game begins. Manny collides with Spinner. This is young, innocent pre-slut Manny so making contact with Spinner is such an overwhelming experience that the force temporally paralyzes her. The game is interrupted. Everyone else wants Manny to see the school nurse, but Liberty wants Manny to keep playing, even though she can't walk. At this point, everyone tells Liberty how much of an asshole she is and the girls quit on her. They only agree to resume play on the condition that Liberty leaves and "proceeds to go fuck herself" (exact quote from Emma). The boys win the game, but Joey agrees to provide money to both teams. He just has to sell a kidney and get by only eat cardboard for the rest of the year.

Rating: C-
Low marks for being a Liberty episode, but I'll give it better than a D for having Liberty suck so bad and get called out for it. In the words of Truman Capote: "She got her just desserts, motherfucker!"

This episode is interesting because it doesn't end in the way you'd expect considering how much this show loves it half assed demonstrations of feminism. You'd expect the show would have the girls team would somehow win despite playing against boys who are also older than them. But for once in the show's existence, Degrassi stuck to realism and the boys prevailed.

I also liked how often Spinner made fun of girls floor hockey team despite the fact that his sister plays on it.

Intensity Level: 13% Intense
Ok.

Final Thoughts
I for one hope Liberty follows Napoleon's example by dying a painful death on an island in the middle of nowhere.
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