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"Modern Love"

Season 4 Episode 18
Canadian airdate: January 24th, 2005

Boycott the Caf name: "Emma Joins the Wymen Liberation Movement"
Important characters: Paige, Mr. O, Emma, Manny, Hazel, Chester
Issue of the Week: Shit...um...catfights, I guess. Oh yeah, student/teacher relationships

Degrassi The Next Generation episode seventy four

Paige and Mr. O are having a picnic far away from the prying eyes at Degrassi. Too bad they decided not to spend anytime in Mr. O's dump of an apartment. Having sex while toilet water is raining down on you is pretty hot if you ask me. Gets my motor running.

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In Media Immersion, Emma is explaining a cigarette ad. Try to follow me here. Mr. O asks Emma, "Where is she going?" referring to the person in the ad. Emma says she is not sure. This is when, out of nowhere, Chris pipes in, suggesting "Probably to the ravine." Ha. I understood that loud and clear. Chris also says one of the negative effects of smoking is gonorrhea. Double ha. Maybe he was trying to say emphysema and I heard gonorrhea, but this was still sweet. How about not only does Chris say this to Emma, but also with her dad a few feet away? Shows how little anyone in the school thinks of Mr. Simpson as a man. It may have taken Chris two seasons to do anything cool, but this makes up for it.

Too bad we will never see this brother ever again. He got dropped in favor of Liberty's brother, Peter the porn guy, and that white kid with the afro. Bullshit. I don't care that Chris is incompressible, he had his moments. There was this time he gave Spinner his locker, and the time he felt up Emma's breasts, and...um...ok that was it. I think he called Sean "Slim Shady" but that is because we white people all look alike to blacks. But it is enough to warrant him coming back. Not that I care that deeply if Chris appeared again. But between a Degrassi without Chris and a Degrassi where he comes in occasionally as background character, I would prefer to see him a couple of minutes every fifth episode or so.

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Emma and Manny are suddenly friends with Darcy and the black girl. I went to the Degrassi book to find her name, but the black girl isn't in the book. That's too bad. She does break Paige's leg later on, I think that should be worth a mention in the book. The internet says her name is Chante Black which is funny because her last name is also her race. That's like if I was named Billie Scandinavian.

Anyway, Emma is complaining about how much she hates men because they tend to give her gonorrhea when she puts her mouth over their dicks. Then they make fun of her for sucking cock so much. I for one am tired of using the term cocksucker in a derogatory way. Most cock suckers are, in reality, respectable, moral young ladies. You have to face facts: your mother, sister and grandmother are all cocksuckers or potential cocksucker.* Cocksuckers aren't bad girls, unless you are referring to Emma, who is a dirty gonorrhea infected whore.

The new kid Chester pops in and eats a bunch of the girl's french fries. He excitedly calls them "thick fired starch." You see Chester is an Eskimo from Nunavut who was sent by his parents to Degrassi when his tribe experienced famine from a severe whale shortage. Chester is not familiar with modern society and has never had french fries before, so that is what he calls them. Eskimos only eat whales, fish, and snow.

*and the cock is mine.

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Back to the A plot. Mr. O will get booted out of teacher's college if they find out about his dating of Paige. Something happened involving Hazel almost spilling the beans about this or something, but c'mon, are we really going to spend time discussing Hazel?

Paige tries to talk to Mr. O, but then the French teacher barges through the door, knocking Paige out the way without saying so much as a hello. Damn Québécoise don't care about being polite. Paige didn't say sorry in French so the French teacher is going to ignore her.

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Paige is mad Manny accidentally told Hazel about Mr. O. Paige gets super pissed when Manny says "chill" so now it is time for them to fight. Manny throws the first blow by kicking Paige in the caboose (Awesome!). And Paige strikes back with a bitch slap before the cat fight descends into hair pulling. Sexy fight music plays from Manny's ass.

Say what you will about this fight, it was still less girly than any fight JT has been in.

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After school, Manny, Chante, and Darcy get together at Emma's house for a girl's night of facials, tie dying, reciting the Vagina Monologues and Emily Bronte poems, listening to Bikini Kill, discussing Gloria Steinman, naked pillow fight, staying at home while the men work, cleaning bathrooms and making me a sandwich.

In regard to the fight, Emma blames Mr. O for this even though he wasn't involved, because men are turning women against each other. She then declares the revolution against men to begin. How cute.

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Later, the girls are tie dying t-shirts. They are going to print riot grrrl slogans as part of Emma's movement for boyless fun. That's when Chester and his two brothers come by. The three girls who are not Emma want to spend time with these Eskimo studs. Manny dresses all Daisy Duke and asks one of the Eskimos to toss the football. They throw a football into the dye, soaking Emma. The boys then take the other bucket of dye and splash it on the three girls. I guess they want to start a wet t-shirt contest. This scene has turned into a beer commercial.

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Thanks to the fight, Mr. O and Paige's relationship has been found out. To save his teaching job, Mr. O claims Paige has been stalking him--following him around, going through his garbage, killing his cats, the whole stalker bit.

While Paige is working at the theater that night, Dylan comes by and wants to beat up Mr. O for courting his sister. Paige defends Mr. O by pointing out that Dylan is the same age as Mr. O and Dylan is dating Marco, who is Paige's age, so it is the same. Except Dylan and Marco's thing is worse because these guys have butt sex and kiss each other's wee-wees.

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That night, Emma's movement to liberate wymen from the chauvinistic male oppression goes into high gear. She ties a bunch of tampons around a large tree in Chester's yard. That will teach him to have a penis.

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To top things off, Emma proceeds to plant a star thing made of tampons on top of the tree. The others girls hold the ladder for Emma but then bolt when the cops come by. Emma is busted! Chester then pops out his bedroom window to see Emma right there. Chester has no idea what is going on. Way to confuse the foreign kid Emma. He thinks it's Christmas now. He is going to be sad if you don't give him a present.

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Paige goes along with Mr. O's story. She wants to drop out of Media Immersion, but Mr. Simpson won't let her because she will fail the course this year and already has to take another Media Immersion course next year. Why do the kids need to take so much fucking Media Immersion classes? When I was in high school the only subject we needed to take for all four years was English. And that makes much more sense than fours years of media. People need to know the difference between "it's" and "its" more than they need to know how to analyze a commercial for baby food.

To spare Paige all the anxiety of fucking up her precious media classes, Mr. O admits he had a relationship with Paige. This costs him his teaching career, but now he and Paige no longer need to keep their relationship hidden. They can now have sex in public.

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Emma has been released from the slammer after her arrest. One night in jail in the standard punishment for environmental destruction, because that tree will never process oxygen the same after being covered in tampons. Would you want to if you were a tree? Plus, seven houses in Toronto have carpets soaking in blood because Emma hoarded all the tampons in the city for herself.

Chester comes up to Emma and they make peace. This is because Chester now believes Emma might be Santa (he said "ho ho ho" to her), so he wants to be on Santa's good side. Chester doesn't know how to speak proper English yet, because he keeps calling Emma "Emileen." Chester is a lot more interesting if you think of him as the confused foreign student who doesn't understand their culture. Scratch that, it's the only way that makes him interesting.

And that's the secret to modern love.

Rating: C
An average episode, I suppose. As usual, I have no idea why half the shit that occurred in this episode had to happen. High marks for the fight, Chris actually showing up, and Emma almost becoming a militant dyke. Low marks for having Chester.

Intensity Level: 21% Intense
It would be more intense if they fight had lasted longer. At least long enough so Paige and Manny would have torn each others clothes off. And then had a make up kiss.

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