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"Moonlight Desires"

Season 4 Episode 19
Canadian airdate: January 31st, 2005

Boycott the Caf name: none
Important characters: Marco, Dylan, Spinner, Jay
Issue of the Week: You know, I have know fucking idea what the hell the show is doing anymore

B plot:

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Since Spinner was expelled, he has been working day shifts at the Dot. The Dot is the finest restaurant in Canada, which explains why a bunch of old women decide to eat there in the afternoon. They piss Spinner off by ordering water with lemon. Water with lemon? What the hell? These old bats must be confused about what time period this is. War rationing is over old ladies. We don't need to save our lemons for the boys fighting the gooks overseas. You can have full blown lemonade now.

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Word up, woof.

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Spinner is not happy about working all day at the Dot. He goes back to Principal Hotass to see about coming back to school. This is when Hotass explains that being expelled means Spinner can't come back to school. He'll also fail all his classes this year.

Hotass considers this fitting punishment because "Rick Murray is dead as an indirect result of your bullying." Rick Murray is dead as an indirect result of everyone's bullying. We're been over this before, you fucking bitch. Stop putting all the blame on Spinner. Last time I checked, Rick is dead because he tried to kill Emma.

Spinner had hoped to win his way back into school by giving Hotass a lovely pot of flowers (pre-lame haircut Spinner would have gotten back into school by busting down the door and skull fucking Hotass. He would not negotiate). But when Spinner isn't allowed get back into school, he throws away the flowers in a hissy fit and runs crying to the girls bathroom.

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Outside, Jay is trying to steal a bike. The funny thing is, Jay is trying to steal Spinner's bike. Back when Spinner had cool hair, Jay wouldn't have dared touch Spinner's property unless he wanted to go through the rest of his life without the use of his skeleton. But lame haircut Spinner is fair game.

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Jay and Spinner are bored so they decide to break into the school at night and vandalize the place. The first thing they do is stack a bunch of chairs and tables in front of the doors to block the entrance. That is a pretty cool thing to do just because of how much effort it would take. Now everyone will have to walk an extra fifteen yards to the gym door.

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The guys then take a look at the yearbooks. Every photo is of a main character. Hmm...I wonder why?

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Spinner is very sad that he lost all his friends. So he decides that the only recourse is to burn down the school. Jay stops him from doing this because they will wind up in prison. And with Spinner's haircut, he'll be tossing a wide assortment of fresh salads. Jay may be able to make it as a butch in the slammer, but current Spinner would sold around C Block for two packs of cigs.

Spinner cries some more and the next day he decides to take summer school. Now that Spinner will be coming back to Degrassi, the question is, can he redeem himself? Will he go to the barber and shave off that emo girl top? Only time will tell.

Only time will tell.

A plot:

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Things are looking up for Marco. He is class president of the most well funded school in the entire world and dating the captain of North America's premier gay hockey team (take that St. Paul Blue Balls, you are second best). Marco is thinking about taking summer classes so he can graduate early and move in with Dylan. But in the mean time he has a blood drive to run. Go Marco, go forth and save the world!

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Caitlin Ryan is at Degrassi interviewing Principal Hotass about the blood drive. Caitlin felates Hotass about how well she was able to bring Degrassi around after Spinner brought a gun to school and shot a bunch of people. Hotass then says that she didn't have much to do with the blood drive, Marco has been doing all the work. I guess that's Hotass's policy for being principal. Come in at 7, hand the paperwork off to Marco, then lock the door, kick back and drink margaritas until 3. Principal needs to propose budget cuts? Get Marco to do that. Need to interview applicants for the history teacher position? Have Marco do it. I bet Marco was the person who handled the gonorrhea outbreak last year. Hotass only likes the job to keep Spinner down.

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A problem arises when Marco tries to donate blood. Turns out gay people aren't allowed to give blood. Maybe the Red Cross is worried gay blood will turn people gay. That's why I won't take Asian blood. Marco decides to use the TV cameras to stand up for gay rights in the blood drive. He harasses the nurse about why gay people can't give blood. Goddamnit Marco, don't harass the nurse in front of a bunch of cameras. She doesn't make that policy. She is trying to do good. Leave her alone. Go do the militant fag thing at the Red Cross head offices or something. It's not just gays who are banned, either. Half the girls in the school can't donate blood because Jay gave them gonorrhea. And the other half can't donate because Jay gave them hepatitis B.

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Marco wants to blow off the humiliation of the blood drive by having Dylan to use him to mine for brown. He goes to Dylan's dorm but is shocked to see Dylan in bed with a black guy! Ha. That is crazy and hilarious. I can not stop laughing every time I see that image. Come on, it's Dylan in bed with a black guy. They were, like, totally making out.

Marco is upset, but Dylan wants to keep dating Marco, he just wants to sleep with a bunch of the guys at the same time. Yeah Man Train! Marco is very hurt by this as Marco wants to be one a one dick guy. He feels betrayed.

Marco then meets up with Ellie and Craig, and I think Alex and maybe Jimmy were there too. The Scooby gang discuss how being a slut is big with the Degrassi scene. Turns out everyone slept around at least once. Ellie is really mad about that time Craig cheated on Ashley last year. That's none of Ellie's business to feel self righteous, she was dating a homo and slicing herself with safety protectors. But everyone can all at least feel superior to Manny, who is sucking down the track team behind the Dot's garbage dump as they speak.

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Marco and Craig go to a college party. Marco wants to hook up with another fag to make Dylan jealous. As luck would have it, everyone at this party except for Craig is super gay. Seriously, these guys are so flamboyantly gay they make Toby look like a real man.

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Marco hasn't had much luck finding a new butt buddy, so he just kisses Craig. Marco can't hold his urges in. Gay people are sex addicts and if they don't get it in the butt they will start making out with anybody. Like a dog in heat, but 24/7. That's why their blood is so infected with AIDS. That's the lesson Degrassi is giving us. Yup.

Anyway, Marco and Dylan break up. Big whoop.

To the Eskimos, butt sex is known by the term "Moonlight Desires."

Rating: D
I originally gave this thing a B. B? Why did I think it was worth a B? The past three episodes all deserve a D. They were all bad, you can't tell them apart, so if one gets D, they all should. I would consider rating this one higher because of all the lame gay jokes I could make from it, but really, the season jumped the shark after Emma sucked dick.

Intensity Level: 55% Intense
When we saw Dylan in bed with the black guy, that was 55% intense and 100% hilarious. It's Dylan...in bed with a black guy! Ha! I guess Dylan wanted to know what it would be like to be on the bottom for once.

Coming Up:
The epic Kevin Smith trilogy. And by "epic" I mean "stupid."

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