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"I Against I"

Season 5 Episode 14
Canadian airdate: January 30th, 2006

Boycott the Caf name: "The Christians vs. the Gays: The Final Fight"
Important characters: Spinner, Marco, Linus, Caitlin, Spike
Issue of the Week: ?

Degrassi The Next Generation episode ninety four

There's really lame charity fair going on at Degrassi, presumably being held by the Jesus Club.

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Spinner is in the dunk tank, so Jimmy is able to take out his rage of not having his legs work by constantly dunking Spinner. Jimmy is rich, so he spent a good $100,000 dunking the Spinster. Too bad Spinner cannot feel pain, so Jimmy is just pissing in the wind. Way to waste your money, jackass.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode ninety four

Emma is looking for a way to cheer her mom up after Mr. Simpson left her for a life that wouldn't suck. Manny suggests they get her some male strippers. Oh Manny, you are so horny.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode ninety four

The Scooby gang hand out fliers at the fair for Marco's upcoming safe sex seminar. Toby is intrigued that they will be giving out free condoms. He can put those to good use next time he's in an out of the way highway rest stop. At this moment, the kids all wonder why Spinner joined Jesus Club. The answer is because he has a hot girlfriend in the club, but maybe they don't know Darcy exists.

Ellie ridicules Christianity, proclaiming that the only true Lord is Satan. She then kills a rabbit and drinks its blood. Ellie is a freak. Marco retorts that he is a church attending Catholic so Ellie can fuck off with her smug attitude. Ellie asks how Marco can still be a Catholic when they don't like gays and have priests who molest children. Marco is like "That's a crime? I always considered it to be the best part of church!" Ha ha. I'll be here all night folks.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode ninety four

With the fair over, Jesus Club congratulates Spinner for all the millions of dollars he helped them raise. Like Spinner said "All I had to go was get wet, that's a really small price to pay to help starving kids." Spinner comes through for the downtrodden yet again.

Marco is hanging out alone. Did the producers tell him to look that girly there, or did that come naturally for the actor? Spinner approaches his old friend. Since no one else is there for Marco, he agrees to go with Spinner to the movies. Marco considers this a date.

Now Marco and Spinner are friends once more. Marco felt sorry for Jimmy being paralyzed, but he also can't resist the pull of Spinner's bulge. Takes Marco back to why he became gay in the first place. Besides, Jimmy is getting to be a real downer, always bitching about how he can't walk. Ok, we get it Jimmy, it is sad that you are a cripple. Stop bringing the party down with your whining, everyone's trying to dance to Tracker and the Candy Bandits, asshole. Go wheel yourself into a dark corner.

Word up: When Marco mentions to Spinner that "Paige and Alex have merged into Palex." This is a reference to Degrassi internet culture, when the stupid net kiddies have taken to calling couples by a merger of their two names, ala Bennifer. So Spinner dating Paige was refereed to as "Spaige" and JT dating Toby was called "Joby". I hate that and refuse to use such language on this site. And I want to know who started this trend so I can burn down their face. The producers wanted to give a nod to the internet fans, but I hope by having Marco use the phrase the show is commenting on how gay the usage is. The producers should show some love toward Boycott the Caf and have Liberty flattened to death by a steamroller. It's only fair.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode ninety four

Emma, Emma's mom, and Manny are at their house, still sad that Mr. Simpson took off after the affair with Ms. Hotass. There is a knock on the door. Who could it be? Ah man, it's Caitlin. What a letdown.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode ninety four

Meanwhile, that Linus kid has called together an emergency meeting of Jesus Club. Linus is furious that Marco is hosting a safe sex seminar in the school and wants to kick some ass with God on his side. Linus is the Canadian Pat Robertson. Spinner gets behind the crusade even though it will jeopardize his renewed friendship with Marco. Well, Marco isn't that big a deal. Darcy is also against the protest, but it's not like she can tell Spinner no. And obviously Spinner is a big fan of sex, so it can't be that he is behind Linus' cause. Spinner just enjoys making posters and calling Principal Hotass a jew.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode ninety four

Spinner, Linus, and the fundies from Jesus Club barge in and protest the safe sex meeting. The safe sex kids are annoyed that other people feel the need to express a contradictory opinion. How fucking dare someone disagree with Ellie!

Degrassi The Next Generation episode ninety four Degrassi The Next Generation episode ninety four

(There's a new rule that Paige and Alex have to be side by side at all times. I would have assumed that Alex would be the man in the relationship, but I guess I was wrong. Also, that one emo kid who is Marco's bottom is back. I guess he did not die in the woods after his dad disowned him.)

Degrassi The Next Generation episode ninety four Degrassi The Next Generation episode ninety four

Marco tries to get Jesus Club to leave, but Linus won't have it. Marco then whips out his cross necklace. Does Marco think Linus is a vampire?

Degrassi The Next Generation episode ninety four

Linus says that gay people go to hell, and then Marco punches Linus and we are treated to one of the fakest fights in modern TV history. I'm sure neither of the dudes who play Marco or Linus have any idea what fighting is, and Canada isn't going to give the show money for stunt doubles, so we have to take what we can get.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode ninety four Degrassi The Next Generation episode ninety four

Back to the B plot. Caitlin is looking for a way to cheer Spike up. After intense lobbying by Manny to hire male strippers, Caitlin agrees, and party is arranged. Some random black people are invited.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode ninety four

Spike actually enjoys all the hot mens until she notices that one of them looks like Snake and she is sad that she misses her husband. Yeah, he looks just like Snake, except for his muscles and full head of hair. Christ.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode ninety four Degrassi The Next Generation episode ninety four

Spinner still wants to be friends with Marco for some reason, so he tells the queers that he is on Marco's side against Linus. Jimmy tries to get in the way of this and turn Marco against Spinner, because Jimmy's heart is now black--blacker than his skin. In the coolest moment of the episode, Spinner tells Jimmy to fuck off. Look at Jimmy take that like a bitch, the bitch Jimmy is.

Hey Jimmy, just walk it off. Ha!

Marco knows he can't avoid the pull of Spinner's man meat, so Marco jumps at the chance to be Spinner's pal again.

So in case you are keeping score:

Spinner 156 - Jimmy 0

Suck it, Jimmy.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode ninety four

There's some more Spike and Caitlin scenes where Spike is still sad. Hey Spike, no one wants to see your old woman cleavage. Cover it up, granny.

Rating: A
I found it hard to right a review because I am pretty sure this episode is making fun of itself. I don't think the producers could intentionally make a stupider episode unless they went back in time to the second season. But this had a lot of good Spinner airtime and had Manny be very vocal about her love of  male strippers, so it gets an A.

Intensity Level: 61% Intense
There was a really fake fight and a...um...there was a...I guess the sissy fight is all the episode has going for it.

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