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"What It Feels Like To Be A Ghost " Part 2

<-- Previously on Degrassi: The Next Generation

Ellie interviews Craig in Joey's garage. Craig is sad his old firends have moved on. He expected them to stay in high school until he got back. Though his friends didn't really move on all that much, they mostly stayed in Toronto. Paige left town, but Craig and her probably weren't that close anyway. I bet they never said hi to each other in the hallway.

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Look at that, Toby is friends with Webster and that guy who looks like a white Webster. Toby may be bad at making friends, but he is a high school senior and he is using the old technique that no matter how lame you are, if you are a high school senior then you will always look cool to kids in lower grades.

While walking under a bridge they encounter a bridge troll who demands that they answer three questions in order to pass. Actually, it's that kid who looks like Mick Jagger who JT whacked with a mascot head after he started a riot at the girl's basketball game. He blames JT for interrupting the basketball game and vows to kick JT's ass. He also says his school declares war on Degrassi. That kid really takes girl's basketball seriously.

I also don't think he has the authority to speak for his entire school and declare war on their behalf. That's the vice principal's duties.

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Meanwhile, Ellie is set to interview the band Taking Back Sunday for the college newspaper. I am not very familiar with Taking Back Sunday, because I mainly listen to blues-rock and not fag-rock. Unless it's Fraggle Rock, which was a sweet show. Wait, what the hell am I talking about Fraggle Rock out of nowhere for? What am I, Family Guy? Let's get back to the plot.

Ellie meets Taking Back Sunday. Like most times when a band appears on a TV show, only the lead singer gets to speak. The rest of the band just sits in the background next to their equipment and drinks beer with the camera crew. I don't know what this lead singer guy's name is, but he copied his hairstyle from his big sister. Ellie invites Craig to meet the band and Craig is stoked to meet some musicians at his level of lameness. He hits it off with the band and Craig and the lead singer decide to get together so Craig can style and brush his hair.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode one hundred nine

JT learns about son of Mick Jagger wanting to beat him up, so he goes straight to son of Mick Jagger's school to talk things out. It turns out that Mick Jagger's son used to date Mia and that may be the reason he is mad. But son of Mick Jagger says that is not the reason and he will kick JT's ass regardless. I tell you it's the girl's basketball game. He blames JT for the fight that interrupted it and he will take JT DOWN! JT and son of Mick Jagger agree to assemble a posse and fight at a later date.

It's going to be the something in the something! I dunno, I tried to think up a name for the fight like they do with boxing match re: The Rumble in the Jungle or the Thilla in Manilla, but the fight will take place in the park by a bridge and I can't think of any fight word that rhymes with park or bridge. Maybe I could look at a thesaurus, but fuck that.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode one hundred nine

So anyway, Ellie thinks that Manny is the one doing coke and trying to get Craig hooked. But editor guy believes that Craig is the one on cocaine just by seeing Craig one time and knowing he is an assfuck. Ellie just thinks editor guy is jealous, but then editor guy says, "I'm not jealous of some failed singer-songwriter loser who you're still crushing over. He's pathetic." Shit man, editor guy speaks the truth. I was waiting for someone at some point in the last four years to point out that Craig sucks at music.

This editor guy knows the score. He should party with Spinner. He's also great because he is wearing camouflage so he looks like he is in the army. When he got mad at Ellie I expected him to throw a grenade at her. That would have been a much better direction to have taken this episode.

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Craig and Manny are hanging out. Manny wants to go out and have sex, but Craig would rather do cocaine. This is the last straw for Manny and she breaks up with Craig. Manny then tells Ellie that Craig is addicted to cocaine. Ellie says no, you are the cocaine addict, Craig said so. Manny then says that addicts lie and Ellie is a retard.

Craig also said these are the best one or two days of his life. He said that because he has time off from the gas station.

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JT needs a posse to fight Mick Jagger's son and his gang. So Webster and his friend put up fliers around Degrassi advertising for recruits. That's not a bad way to get help for a fight, especially when you have no friends. But then Spinner and Jimmy come by with Toby and tell them that violence is not the answer. Spinner probably doesn't buy Jimmy's nonviolence spiel, he just knows that JT will get beat like hell in a fight and doesn't want any more shame to come to Degrassi than that which Liberty already brings. Toby told them about this, not out of JT's concern, he was just happy to be around Spinner and Jimmy for a few minutes.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode one hundred nine

Craig gets his big opportunity. Taking Back Sunday has a break at their next show so they can go have butt sex with each other, and they have selected Craig to play during the break. If Craig didn't come along they were just going to make the audience stand around with nothing. Taking Back Sunday wouldn't care. To them music comes second to group butt sex.

Ellie tries to get Craig to give up cocaine, but Craig likes cocaine too much. Ellie says that she will tell Joey about his addiction. That is when Craig makes Ellie an offer: he will be her boyfriend if she will let him snort cocaine. Allowing Ellie to be your girlfriend always comes with conditions. "Hey Ellie, you can be my girlfriend. You just have to pretend that I am not gay." "Hey Ellie, you can be my girlfriend. You just have to overlook the fact that I steal from the school and live in a dirty shed." Editor guy is going out with her now, but he has sex with everyone who works for the paper. Ellie is just a data cell in an Excel spreadsheet to him.

Ellie is almost desperate enough to go along with it, but then she decides to do the right thing and tell Craig he sucks.

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On stage, Taking Back Sunday play their one big song (I think I heard part of it before while surfing the radio looking for that classic rock station that plays Bad Company every twenty minutes). That's bad because it is the middle of their set. Dumbass band, you always save your biggest song for the very end. You want to conclude the show with your best effort. David Lee Roth doesn't play "Yankee Rose" until the second encore.

Craig takes the stage. He begins playing his drowning song but suddenly his nose bleeds. Everyone notices. Taking Back Sunday were so disturbed by the sight that they stopped rubbing each other's nipples. Craig is in trouble. If people don't think he has a cocaine habit, then they are going to think he picks his nose. That will end a career. It's what happened to Loverboy.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode one hundred nine

JT and his posse were ready for some ass whoopin' (their own) but Mia convinced JT to call off the fight or else she would dump him. Since Mia is a teenage mother, it means she is pretty easy. And JT is looking forward to tapping that, so he obliges. Because Mick Jagger's kid never got the fight, they beat up Toby. Pretty badly too, he had to go to the hospital. Beating up on Toby is a really low way to go if you want a fight. That gang should have stomped on someone a little tougher, like a fourth grade girl.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode one hundred nine

The last we see of Craig, he is in an airport. He is being sent to Calgary where Joey lives to get off the cocaine. Joey is not at the airport, Mr. Simpson is to make sure Craig gets on the plane. Just as well, Craig could easily beat up Joey and run away, but Craig isn't sure he could do the same to Simpson. Craig isn't Spike or Emma, so he doesn't know that Snake is a pussy. It's been kind of weird because Joey hasn't been in this episode. The actor who plays Joey was presumably fired for selling Degrassi stuff on Ebay. The crew would notice that Jay's car would be missing and then someone would check Ebay and see it there.

Rating: F
Part of creating a character is demonstrating his or her traits in way that make the audience believe it. For instance, if you have a character who is smart then all you need to do is have him do good in school and occasionally spout facts the writers found on Wikipedia. Simple. Now if you have a character who, say, is supposed to be a talented musician, then you should make sure that the audience sees him demonstrate that talent. And that is what has always bugged me about Craig. We never see him play a guitar that well. Usually, we just see him strum or play one or two generic chords repeatedly. Fuck, I can do that and I don't know shit about playing music. The songs he does play have all sucked balls too. I could never buy that this kid was supposed to be much of a musician.

So if he is not cut out to be a rock star, he is not cut out to be a cocaine addict. Cocaine is for impressive people like Tony Montana, Steven Tyler, and Laura Bush. Craig is just a high shcool dropout. High school dropouts mostly do marijuana and window cleaner.

Intensity Level: -54% Intense
I didn't think that an episode could be so unintense that it would have been more interesting not to have seen it. I think I have had more intense moments starring at the wall or going to church. This episode would have been much better if instead of the plot they had, they wrote another one instead. I would have liked it if cocaine was not involved and the promos the channel aired were just to trick us. Someone could say, "Craig, you like Coke...a-cola? I do too, let's get some pop" and such.

Final Thoughts:
I do not know much about Taking Back Sunday because I only listen to good music. But I was listening to The-N's podcast when they were interviewing Taking Back Sunday, because I like to immerse myself in as much Degrassicana as possible since I never know if I will stumble on something I can make cheap homopobic jokes about. Anyone, one of the dingleberries from the band mentioned that they were sitting around watching Degrassi and decided it would be cool to be on the show. So, they simply called their manager and it was done.

I did not realize it was that easy to get on the show. Now I want to make a guest appearance on Degrassi. They should let Johnny and me be on an episode or two. I can see it now, we'd go to a strip bar with Spinner and Sean and then double team Paige. It would be rad.

Unfortunately, we do not have a manager to set this up. I occasionally list William Kenneth as my agent, but he got mad at all the calls he was getting for me when he was at work at the video store, mainly from bill collectors and bookies. The other problem is that neither Johnny nor I are famous. The ten or so people a day who come here don't amount to a strong fan base, at least not enough to get us invited to comment about pop culture or celebrity marriages on VH1.

The final problem is that no one involved in the show is aware that we exist. My plea to let us do commentary tracks for the show went unanswered. But I also wrote that to the Prime Minister and not anyone who works on the series. If they did know about us, I am scared that they would be mad and try to sue us. We'd be safe because it is not like anyone in the United States is going to care what a Canadian court has to say, but it could interfere with my maple syrup smuggling ring and my cross border casino ferry on Lake Superior.

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