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"Jessie's Girl"

Season 7 Episode 8
American airdate: February 8th, 2008

Boycott the Caf name: "Shitty Episode"
Important characters: Ellie, Editor Guy, Caitlin
Issue of the Week: The Show is Completely Out of Ideas and Not Even Trying Anymore

Boy, it's been another one of those long gaps between Degrassi episodes because The-N only likes to show four episodes before going into a three month break. This way it ensures that watching the show is as inconvenient for the viewers as possible. I don't even think Canada has aired this season yet. Everyone involved with the show is sick of it by n ow and just trying to get it cancelled. But they don't count on twenty something males with nothing better to do than watch this show on a Friday night, and thereby keeping the ratings alive. They'll start airing the show only at 4:35 am but that won't stop us. It's not like I have a good job I need to get to.

Well, here's what I've been up to since the previous episode. After a few months of scraping by on prostitution, I finally managed to get something of a job. This required me to move away from my mommy for the first time in my life. Since I was moving to a new town I had to get an apartment but rents in the area are kind of expensive, anywhere from $360 a month and up for a two bedroom. That is outrageous! At first, I refused to be gouged by the landLORDS who rule over the land and expect us to pay money to live in a place that they own. After being chased off of some park benches by police and tress by squirrels, I ended up finding a cheap place to live twenty minutes from where I worked. It used to be an Air Force base, but then the Cold War ended and tensions with Canada calmed, so Washington closed it down. The state is trying to turn the base into an actual town by offering tax incentives to encourage business, but I don't think that will work too well since this is Michigan and people tend to want to move away from here.

But I like living here because now I can tell people stories about living in the barracks and they will assume I was in the military. If they ask me about my military experience I have an easy out by just saying that I don't like to talk about that time in my life. They'll just assume I went through some really traumatic times in the battlefield. I can use this as a great way to get free drinks at bars and scam some money form the VA.

Now let's move onto a very special craptastic episode of Degrassi.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode one hundred twenty seven

The episode begins in the newspaper room of the college. So we know right off the bat this episode will involve Ellie and Editor guy and suck ass. Oh shit, it also has Caitlin. The newspaper needs to find a new lecture speaker after Dr. Phil cancelled, so Ellie volunteers to find one. Editor guy wants her to find someone famous, but instead Ellie recruits Caitlin. Caitlin was Ellie's mentor, not for journalism, she taught Ellie how to suck at dating men. She'd tell Ellie great advice like, "Ok, first you want to date a closeted homosexual. Then, go after three or four guys who are actually in love with someone else, and when you get to college, go out with a guy who likes to have sex with every woman except for you."

Degrassi The Next Generation episode one hundred twenty seven Degrassi The Next Generation episode one hundred twenty seven

There's a B Plot that involves at least three girls who names I do not know. There's the girl who was a pregnant teenager and the girl who always clashes with the girl who was pregnant. The girl who always clashes with the girl who was pregnant has a friend who looks exactly like her. This is extra good since I don't know any of their names and can't tell two of them apart. Plus, their story is boring. At least one girl calls White Webster ugly, which doth ring true in mine hears. But then the teacher gets mad at them for laughing at how ugly White Webster is and makes the girl's friend read. The problems is this girl has dyslexia and can't read very well. So the teacher is being a tremendous dick.

The important thing we learned today was that "The tennis ball gets pulled into the bowling ball's gravity." What? How does that make sense? Canada doesn't have much of a science curriculum. The problem is Degrassi spends 75% of its money on Media Immersion equipment and they replace the science teacher every year.

Pregnant girl tries to convince the friend of the girl who hates her to not be friends with her because she hates her as well. Try to keep up, bitches. But the girl who has dyslexia doesn't want to stop being friends with the girl who hates the pregnant girl because she is the most popular girl in school.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode one hundred twenty seven

There is construction work going on in Ellie's apartment, so she decides to go to the newspaper room to do her newspaper work.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode one hundred twenty seven Degrassi The Next Generation episode one hundred twenty seven

But when she gets there, what does she see but Editor guy getting it on with Caitlin. Yeah, seriously, that's what she sees. This isn't some elaborate joke I wrote instead of describing the plot, it's what really happened. Even Ellie can't believe how stupid this shit is, and she's been through a lot of stupid shit on this show.

Degrassi The Next Generation episode one hundred twenty seven Degrassi The Next Generation episode one hundred twenty seven

It's now time for Ellie's big interview of Caitlin. But before, she has to get really drunk. It's college after all, I think. It's hard to remember but I think Ellie is in college, right? I don't know, these kids tend to fail and get held back a lot. What was Alex even doing after she left stripping? She was able to redo her senior year, wasn't she, for some reason? Did she keep that up after stripping? Probably not since she left town very suddenly. She's probably stripping again.

Who knows? All I knows is that Ellie is a wee bit tipsy. I don't know what ethnicity a Nash is, but except for the fact that Ellie is attractive she does look Irish. That explains how she instantly becomes a drunk within 24 hours after she has her first small sip of alcohol. 'Splains her ma too, it does. Caitlin is there to discuss her movie about the environment. Yeah, in addition to being annoying, Caitlin also rips off American vice-presidents. What a jerk. During the interview, Ellie totally tells everyone that Caitlin got busy with Editor guy, calls her a slut and storms off. Ask me, Ellie could have embarrassed Caitlin way worse. Ellie should have said, "Caitlin, haven't you also had sex with one Kevin Smith? Didn't you leave your long time boyfriend for one night with that middle aged fat guy who reads Teen Titian comic books?" Caitlin would have totally been burned. She would have only been able to say in her defense, "We didn't really go all the way. I went to his trailer but then he started crying after I got naked because this was the first time he ever saw a naked woman and didn't know what to do. So I just played with his balls a little...with my tongue. I swear."

Now Caitlin is Jessie's Girl.

Rating: F-
This was a stinker; all Caitlin episodes are. I think this may even be worse than "Holiday" another heavily Caitlin episode and the one we have held up for years as Degrassi's worst. At least that one had Craig getting bitch slapped, this episode doesn't even have one cool character in it at all. I don't even know who are still all cast members, but Spinner and Jay certainty are and they weren't shown at all. Fuck that. Fuck that.

I would have liked to be in the writer's room when they were coming up with this episode.

First Writer: So, what are we going to do this week?

Second Writer: I dunno. I got no ideas.

Third Writer: How about Caitlin hooks up with Ellie's boyfriend?

First Writer: Fuck it, let's do it. Why not? Caitlin is a big fucking idiot.

Fourth Writer: I hate this Goddamn job.

The B plot was bad too. It involved a bunch of characters I don't know and don't like. And I hated the popular girl is a bitch story too. Is that how anyone's high school works? Usually the people that are most popular get that way because they are nice and liked by others. Maybe Canadian schools function more like wolf packs, where the most mean and aggressive person becomes alpha.

Ellie getting drunk was pretty cool though. Since Ellie stopped being goth I've thought that she was good looking, not that you'd want to get with her while she is conscious because she can still be very annoying. But if you'd could just get her drunk, she'd pass out and you could do whatever without having her open up that damn mouth of hers. Hopefully, Ellie will pick up that habbit.

Does It Go There? Not on Your Life, JACK.

Who Should Get Kicked In The Face This Week? Caitlin
I think she should get kicked in the face every week, even in episodes she isn't a part of. They could just bring her out for the last couple of minutes during the end credits and show people kicking her in the face. She'll be shackled in one of those wooden things they used to humiliate criminals in colonial times and people can wait in a line to kick her in the face. Sweetness!

"Jessie's Girl" Drinking Game:
Take a drink every time Ellie drinks. Also every time you wish Ellie was drinking.
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