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"Owner of a Lonely Heart"

Season 7 Episode 11
American airdate: February 29th, 2008

Boycott the Caf name: "Marco Becomes a Whore"
Important characters: Marco, Manny, Jay
Issue of the Week: Prostitution

This is a Marco episode. Coincidentally, it turns out that Adam Ruggerio, the dude who plays Marco, recently came out as a gay. To anyone who has ever watched the show, this is not a surprise. I mean, come on. Several years ago I even showed a season 3 Marco episode to a gay man who had never seen Degrassi before and had no idea who Marco was, and after five minutes he was like "Wow, that actor is so gay."

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Marco and Ellie are hanging out at that one club where you can actually hear each other over the music (totally unbelievable). Ellie tries to tell him about Editor guy and stuff but Marco doesn't want to hear Ellie's lame ass bullshit. Instead he wants to spend time with someone who has a cock. That's Marco pulling the gay card to get away from Ellie again. He's even going to a drag show without her, that's how gay Marco is going to go in order get away from Ellie this time.

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Meanwhile, Manny swipes a water cooler from the school and hands it off to Jay in exchange for fixing her dad's car.

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Marco and his new gay pal go to a drag show. Marco's friends shows off a $50 bill because he has lots of money. But the jerk doesn't even do what you're supposed to do with that money at a drag show--stick it into the bra of the 6'3" guy dressed as Marilyn Monroe. I've seen exactly five minutes of a drag show and even I know that.

The next night, Marco is wanting to go to another club with his friend, but Marco has no money. He asks Ellie for money, which is pretty funny since he wants her to give him money to go to a club, but she's not invited. Ellie calls Marco a partier, even though he has only gone to one party so far. But that's living like a rock star as far as Ellie is concerned. Ellie has a boring night watching TV and doing schoolwork. Marco wants none of that, he wants big gay excitement. But watching TV with Ellie is an alright way to spend a night, comparatively. Let's look at what others are doing tonight.

Toby: On the computer, of course, playing World of Warcraft and looking at shemale porn. He masturbates to both.

Webster and White Webster: A night of playing Naked Robber, Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry's favorite game

Manny: About to get engaged to a high school dropout/drug dealer/serial cheater

Mia: Taking care of her baby while watching Bridget Jones' Diary and Titanic

Spinner: Resting at the hospital. He passes his time by watching Family Guy reruns and making prank calls to Ashley. Ashley knows it's Spinner, but has no choice but to answer the phone each time and play along. This is Spinner.

Jimmy: Running a Blaxploitation DVD marathon at the Black Empowerment Center while struggling to pick his wallet up off the floor

Emma: At Liberty's. Her parents ordered her out of the house (actually Spike did. Snake has no authority over Emma) for the night. She'd hang out with Manny, but Manny is busy making another huge life altering mistake. So she's at Liberty's. Liberty is excited to actually have a friend over, but that doesn't stop her from her plans to fold laundry all night. She takes time out of that routine to show Emma her stamp collection and photos of her trip to a rhubarb farm. Emma is desperately looking around Liberty's house for a rifle.

Blonde Mullet Dude: Out with his friends trying to hunt down the dog that holds his friend's human brain so they can switch them

Darcy: Unmentionable solo sex acts with a crucifix

Snake and Spike: Hard core BDSM session with Spike as the violent dominatrix and a bruised Snake chained naked in a large cage. Snake hates this because Spike refuses to ever heed the safe word.

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Jay and Manny spend the evening eating Otter Pops. When they get to Manny's door, they kiss and are found by Manny's father. Manny's dad is about to kick some ass. He's going to kick Manny's; Jay is taller, younger and in better shape than him. To keep from getting beat down, Manny tells Pop that she and Jay are engaged.

Howza!

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Marco wants to go to the club but The Rock is keeping him out. Marco's gay friend tells him it's $50 to get in, which is more money than Marco can afford. Marco wants to know how his gay friend can afford all this while not having a job. Gay friend is going to set Marco up with a sure way to make cash.

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Turns out gay friend sells his butt hole for money. Horny old men want gay sex from young men and they want it anonymously. Gay friend gets Marco into this politician's limo and they drive to a spot behind Emma's hopuse for some secluded, horny fun. Marco is totally surprised by this as he is always up for some random gay fucking, but not with an old guy's cock. Come on, Marco has standards. He pulls out (of the deal, not the man's asshole).

The next day, Marco tells Ellie what happened. Ellie has to state a disclaimer about how most gay kids in college are not prostitutes. It's really a 51/49% split.

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Jay spends a delightful dinner with Manny's family as they welcome Jay into their hearts. The whole fake engagement thing to get Manny's parents off her back is still going on. Pop invites a Catholic priest over for pre-martial counseling. Manny's parents expect Jay to convert to Catholicism. Jay doesn't like this because, as far as he knows, Catholics are the ones who eat squirrels and have to get large metal piercings on their penises.

I'm also pretty sure that priest is the same dude who was the drag queen with the pink hair earlier.

Rating: A
I know a lot of us where disappointed that Marco didn't sell his body for money. Marco is supposed to get AIDS soon and we thought this was how. Don't worry, though, there's still plenty of time for him to come down with AIDS.

The Jay and Manny plot was hilarious, because every time Jay and Manny get together it's like a bad sitcom (Degrassi is normally a bad drama) and I supports it!

Does It Go There? Sure
Jay and Manny are getting married! OhmyGodYay!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who Should Get Kicked In The Face This Week? Marco
Have fun being broke, loser.

Final Thoughts:
I think that lame club everyone goes to belongs to whatever college Ellie attends, and Marco, if he goes to college. That's weird because they serve calamari at that club. That's way fancier than anything at my college. Our little campus restaurant thing had mozzarella sticks and flurries--that's as fancy as the food got. But there was also a Bust-a-Move arcade game, which kicked fucking ass. My fondest college memories were of me spending quarters on that game every Saturday night while other people were socializing and having sex.

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