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"Live To Tell"

Season 7 Episode 12
American airdate: March 7th, 2008

Boycott the Caf name: "Darcy Wants to Boink Mr. Simpson"
Important characters: Darcy, Mr. Simpson, Jimmy, Ashley
Issue of the Week: Lies, damn lies--the lies that tarnish one's soul

Before we begin, three caveats.

1) There aren't a whole lot of good Degrassi websites out there. The fansites don't have a lot of information, won't ever link to us, and tend to go offline for months on end. I only know of one that still exists and ever updates. That means that websites making fun of Degrassi probably outnumber sites that like Degrassi. The problem is, most people who go online and make jokes about Degrassi suck at it. Especially when they're just ripping us off but don't know how to be funny. Yeah ha, ha Liberty is ugly and black. And you swear. How original. I'm not saying just because Boycott the Caf was the first to make fun of The Next Generation (and still the best at it) that we're the only ones who are allowed to do so. I'm just saying you should be good at it, which most of you aren't.

Sara and Aimee Do Degrassi is a podcast about the show put on by two college girls, doing what girls do best: talk for a long, long time about absolutely nothing. Seriously, all their podcasts are around an hour long; it takes them an hour to describe a twenty minute Degrassi episode. But they can be pretty funny so it's worth listening to. The parts I like best are when they mention their bras or lady bits. They need to do that more. We don't know what it looks like when Sara and Aimee record their podcast, but I likes to imagine thems naked together in a hot tub (a hot tub in their dorm room), their breasts canoodling together as they share one microphone, forcing their mouths close together, their lips close, so close...

2) Which brings me to the next item. South of Nowhere has been cancelled by The-N and the final episodes will air this spring. This is too bad because those teen lesbians were pretty hot. There's a bit of an online rivalry between fans of South of Nowhere and Degrassi over which show is better and which is better with lesbians. This is ridiculous infighting. Both shows are equally bad. But South of Nowhere being cancelled hits me really hard. TV doesn't have nearly enough hot teen lesbians. At least not on the channels you don't subscribe to in hour long blocks. It's a tragedy. This group of people deserve more visibility. The Office is coming back next month, I hope they decide to write some lesbian stuff into the show. I'm thinking Pam and Phyllis. Oh yeah!

There's a fan effort out there to save the show. It's going to fail because there no such thing as a TV network listening to the viewers. That goes against more than 50 years of sound business tradition.

3) I made a poop. All by myself!

Now let's get this review the hell over with.

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Darcy in in detention with blonde mullet guy and dog boy. Mullet guy is really frustrated about being in detention, because every minute he is stuck in school is less tim,e he has to hunt down he dog that contains his friend's human brain. He takes out his frustration by picking on Darcy. Simpson is supervising the detention, but he doesn't notice the harassment because he is caught up in the sexual tension that erupts every time he and Ms. Hotass talk to one another.

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Darcy's mom drives her to school every day. Darcy is upset that she can't go to school by herself anymore. But her mom is just trying to make sure Darcy doesn't attempt suicide on the way to school. She has a pont, Darcy does almost try it at least twice this episode. She also hasn't told anyone yet that she was raped, so everyone just assumes she's a nut.

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Meanwhile, Jimmy and Ashley have the B plot. Turns out they are still together, which is odd because we all assumed they broke up last time they had an episode together. Jimmy explains (for the audience, but Ashley probably doesn't pay attention to the school because she's only there one week a month. Ashley treats school like the National Guard) that there is a contest to create a new design for the school mascot. The Grimace money will allow the school to buy new uniforms, which Degrassi has to replace every year.

Anywhere, here's a blurry shot of Ashley's boobies. Enjoy!

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Darcy's moodiness has affected her cheerleading abilities. She's about to be kicked off the team because they have a requirement that to be a cheerleader, you must have hips.

Darcy's all "fuck this" and takes Peter to the roof for some making out. But she is feeling depressed again and considers jumping. Peter can't handle how crazy Darcy is, even though she's been this way all season and Peter has been with her that whole time, including her first suicide attempt. Peter is a boy bitch.

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Darcy wants to whine to Mr. Simpson about how emo her life is. Simpson doesn't want any part of this. Being next to the young and hot Darcy is making Simpson hot down below, if you get my drift. If you don't get my drift, I'm saying Mr. Simpson is getting a erection. Which is painful for him because the chastity belt that Spikes makes him wear gives him a powerful sting if he ever tries to get hard. It also has the added advantage of forcing him to sit down when he pees.

Over to the Jimmy plot, he's hitting it off with disabled girl he met a few episodes back. The girl has a car and let's Jimmy drive it. Jimmy doesn't understand how he will be able to, being useless in the legs and all, but the girls has one of those cars where you operate the brake and gas with your hands. That crazy Canadian technology!

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Darcy gives Mr. Simpson her submission for the logo contest. It's a drawing of a snake, because Mr. Simpson goes by the name Snake. Darcy was supposed to draw a panther. But I'm impressed by Darcy's drawing skills. Everyone at Degrassi is a really talented artist. I think this is because they don't have an art class. I took several years of art in middle and high school and can't draw as well as Jimmy or Darcy. That's because all art teachers are nuts.

Simpson tries to get away from Darcy because this sexual tension is really riding his chastity belt hard. Darcy considered the drawing to be a wedding proposal, so Simpson's; rejection sends her into a crazy mood and she cuts of a lock of her hair and runs away. I think she also held some scissors to her wrists, I honestly never pay that much attention to these episodes; I watch them on my computer and I also have a lot of porn on this machine. I mean, A LOT. Thank God I have such a large hard drive and my own apartment.

But back to Darcy. That cutting her hair thing was too bad for her. I think extensions cost a lot of money and she just ruined hers. Or maybe her hair will be fine, I don;t know. You may not have gathered because of how cool I come off with these reviews, but I don't know much about the ladies. It's been a long time since I've seen a boobie and I've never actually been with a girl long enough for her to let me touch her penis.

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Jimmy needs advice, so he goes to Spinner. When you need to be told what to do, you ask Spinner. Jimmy tells Spinner he went driving and Spinner asks how that is possible. Jimmy calls Spinner and idiot and explains that the girl has a car you can drive without your feet. Jimmy called Spinner and idiot even though Jimmy just learned that was possible earlier that day.

Ashley sees Jimmy riding with the other girl and feels betrayed. This being Ashley, she has to go all self-centered drama queen about it and make Jimmy into the bad guy, even though she is the one who has been a lousy girlfriend this entire year. Ashley tells Jimmy that she's the only one who's been there for him, which is bullshit since he has a lot of friends and Ashley was away in another country for a year when Jimmy was first paralyzed. The two of them break up, several weeks later than they should have. The second coming of Jimmy and Ashley has been the worst idea for a relationship since Towerz and Liberty. Not so much the Jimmy part, but the Ashley part--that's been dragging it down.

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To get Darcy to crazy down, Simpson tells her that they can get together for some private time. Darcy is excited about her big date with Simpson, but that was a ruse. When Darcy arrives for the date, she finds Hotass and her mom waiting the with Simpson. Simpson wants Darcy to spill the beans about her rape (which only Simpson, Manny and Peter know. Everyone else thinks she was just being a slut with Peter). But Darcy can't do that and instead accuses Simpson of groping her. Hotass is jealous as hell about this and suspends Simpson.

Word gets around Degrassi really fast. Blonde mullet guy and his gang congratulate Emma for having a dad who is such a player with Darcy. Dog boy makes some noises and lays down, wanting Emma to rub his tummy.

Emma yells at Darcy, ready to kick some ass over getting her dad suspended. Since Simpson can't go to work, he's had to mope around the house all day. Spike makes him help out with the house work, and she makes him wear a very skimpy French maids outfit while he does. Then she's take pictures of him and put them on the internet. That's humiliating, but not nearly as humiliating as when she makes him go outside to take out the trash or go grocery shopping. Emma finds it really disgusting and embarrassing to come home to see that everyday and she wants it to stop. She'll destroy Darcy if it means she doesn't have to see Simpson in a French maid's outfit anymore.

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Now Darcy is worried. Her lies got Simpson kicked out of school. But if she tells the truth, everyone will know she was raped. Maybe Canada is like those Middle Eastern countries where you can go to prison if you are a rape victim. Darcy forgets her trouble by making out with blonde mullet kid ont he roof. But then Manny comes and chases mullet boy away. Darcy almost jumps off the off again, but then Manny tells her to live and tell the truth and she does.

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Darcy goes to the Nelson-Simpson household to apologize to Mr. Simpson. That's actually going to make things look worse if she is seen at his house after school. Emma answers the door and is about to throw some coffee in her face, but Simpson asks Emma permission to talk to Darcy himself. Darcy says she told the truth but Simpson will still be under investigation for the time being. Simpson is the most hen-pecked motherfucker on the planet. His wife completely dominants him, and so does his step-daughter. His boss is a woman, which isn't so bad except it's also the person he had a brief (and pretty lame) affair with, and she can fuck up his life pretty bad too. Then this teen girl almost causes him to lose his job. Plus there was that gang of female body builders who raped him at gunpoint. Spike invited them over.

Archie Simpson is a total bitch.

Rating: B+
This was a pretty good show. Darcy is nuts, and much has been made of that, but pretty much every girl on the show has gone through the weird faze where they just want to make out and have sex with strangers. Except Liberty, no one wants to see that. Standards and Practices wouldn't clear it.

Does It Go There? Sure
Simpson sure didn't tap that Christian ass even though he had plenty of opportunities to. He just doesn't have much of a sex drive after Spike castrated him.

Who Should Get Kicked In The Face This Week? Ashley and Darcy
These two bitches are fighting it out for the record. Ashley has been a consistently annoying bitch for seven years now, but Darcy has really broken out in the past couple of seasons.

If I could see one Degrassi character die a gruesome and violent death at the hands of a wolf pack this season, I'd want it to be Ashley more than Liberty, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's true.

Final Thoughts:
Check out this picture of Toby's grandparents:

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