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"Everything She Wants"

Season 7 Episode 21
Canadian airdate: June 2nd, 2008

Boycott the Caf name: "Sean Really Did Join the Army"
Important characters: Sean, Mia, Snake, Lucas
Issue of the Week: Being a baby mama/the ravages of war

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Mia meets up with Lucas, who is sitting outside the principal's office. Lucas is Mia's baby's father, if you don't remember. I didn't until halfway through this episode. Mia is turned on by Lucas' bad boy ways. She considers this a change from her last boyfriend, JT, who we all know was a bed wetter. Principal Hotass pops out of her office and says she hopes Mia rubs off on Lucas. Lucas is like, "I hope she does." Principal Hotass and Lucas both meant that in a sexual way. Hotass loves teen sex, that's what motivated her to get into education.

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Principal Hotass also congratulates Simpson on returning to work, only about a month after he was allowed back in. Everytime you see Hotass and Simpson together, you have to imagine that there is a tremendous amount of sexual tension between the two. But they can't act on it after getting found out that one time. That was the lamest affair ever. All they did was talk about motorcycles once and kiss one time. And that one time they kissed is when they were found out. I don't even think you could call that an affair if it stopped at first base. Simpson probably considers it one, because Spike has not allowed him to see a woman's breast in over six years. This includes TV, she has a V chip just for Simpson, so he isn't allowed to watch anything more intense than Dora the Explorer. When Emma wants to watch Grey's Antanomy or Nancy Grace, she has to send Simpson to his room.

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Hey, who is that? It's Sean, who is dressed in a military uniform and getting out of a cab in front of the school, for some reason. Yes, Sean has joined the military. Or he is on the run from the law again and bought a solider's uniform at a costume shop in order to travel incognito. No, Sean did really join the military. He will be staying at the Nelson-Simpson house because he has no one else in Toronto to stay with. I guess him and Jay had a falling out over a Myspace blog post. Since Sean showed up unannounced, I don't know what he expected to do if Emma's family was on vacation or something, maybe he was going to hide out in the basement of the school. That worked for Craig for several days.

Emma tells Sean that she has a new boyfriend, but I forget who that is. Sean is fine with this, but they are still going to be sharing a bedroom while Sean is here. Emma is shocked that Sean will soon be leaving for Afghanistan, because she forgot that when Sean was last around he said he was joining the military. Emma is as shocked as I am that the Canadian army does anything AND the producers remembered continuity.

Spike comes back home too. With Sean there, she is happy to be around a real man once again. When Spike calls Snake a fat ass, Sean offers to help him get in shape the army way. Snake tries to get out of it, saying Sean must have someone he wants to visit at the garage. Sean says he does not, because he only worked there for one week and that was a year ago.

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Lucas, Mia, Jane and Mia's daughter have dinner with Jane's parents. Lucas and Jane are siblings and Mia is Lucas' baby mama so they are all part of the same family. I don't know how it all works out, but Lucas's dad is not the dad who is there. Jane and Lucas might share the same biological father, Jane does seem to hate the man for never being around, while Lucas is all like, "Yeah but he was kick ass when he was here, not like this weiner we got living with our mom now, he's so lame." Lucas says this while his mom's new husband is right across the table.

Mia is happy that Lucas wants to be involved in raising their bastard. But Jane warns her that Lucas is a no-goodnick. Jane does not like her brother or half-brother. Or maybe Lucas is her step brother, I don't know how this family is set up. Maybe Mia and Lucas are siblings for all I know. Mia does not heed Jane's warnings about Lucas, stating that Jane stopped talking to her after she got pregnant. It seems Mia and Jane used to be friends in the Lakehurst days. This is the first time we've gotten any mention of this all season because the producers are making shit up as they go along.

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Lucas and Mia plan to spend the evening together. But Lucas did not expect it when Mia brought their baby with her. I don't know why not, the only time Mia is not holding her baby is when she is in school. When she's in school, she just leaves the baby in her car. Lucas takes off to play Halo 3 with his friends. Mia is really mad at him for skipping out on their baby, which he only did for the past three years. But Mia forgives him after he buys her a bracelet. Judging by how many bracelets Mia has, Lucas has used this trick a lot

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Sean trains Snake to workout at the school gym. All the equipment is laid out, just for the two of them. Because Snake is very weak, he can not do much lifting. However, he does give it a round on the Swedish workout ball, much like the one Raditch had sex on so many years ago. Oh, to simpler times.

Sean pushes Snake hard, saying that if Snake does not train to be the best, he will die. Sean is threatening Snake's life.

Actually, Sean is referring to himself, because he is scared that he will soon be going to war. Pussy.

Snake holds Sean close, telling him everything will be alright. As Sean is about to ship out, he says that he will come back when he is back in Canada since Snake, Spike, and Emma are his family now. I guess he has forsaken his real parents, even though he must have made things right with them in season 4. Oh well. He's also forgetting about Tracker. Why the hell doesn't Tracker come back? I speak for everyone in my house (I live alone) when I say every moment when Tracker was on screen was pure magic. Remember the time he parked his motorcycle in a no parking zone? Or the time he kicked Sean out of their shack because he wanted to have sex? Or the many times he almost beat up Emma? Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

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Lucas tries again and wants to spend the night with Mia as well as the baby. By that, he meant he invited the two of them to a party - a party with ALCOHOL!

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Mia and Lucas put their daughter to bed and then have a beer, which every parents does after they put their kids to bed. Spinner and Jane show up at the party. Jane complains that she is going to have to cleanup afterwards. Spinner does not acknowledge that he was listening to her or offer to help out, he is more focused on all the free food. He avoids the mind numbing effects of alcohol for the nutritious effects of snacks. Spinner is a great role model for the youth of today.

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Mia can't find her baby. If Degrassi had an actual budget, that baby would have wandered out of the house and got into a series of wacky adventures as she road tripped across Canada. Instead, Jane just helps her find the bathroom.

The police bust the festivities because the pigs are always smacking on the fun times. Also, there are dozens of underage drinkers. And a baby there as well. The cops take the baby and now Mia will have to go through child protective services to regain custody. She has decided to not include Lucas in this, because he does not want to be a dad anyway. He just wanted to get back into Mia's vagina. It was fun the first time. But Mia has learned that she cannot get everything she wants.

Rating: C
This was an alright episode, average but good in its averagness. It was nice to have Sean back. I noticed the actor who plays Sean always bails the show when it enters an period of unusually high suckiness. He left in the middle of season 4, right before the show became very lame. He didn't come back until season 6. I think the fact that season 5 had some good episodes was enough to convince him to come back for awhile. But then he got a load of how awful season 6 was and left again. He's doing this one episode and that's as far as he's going to touch the poopfest that has been this current season.

The Mia plot was also well done. It's nice to see a character actually suffer consequences from her actions for once. This has never happened to Craig despite his multiple instances of being an asshole over the years. No matter how many times he cheats on a girl, she will always want him back. No matter what stupid shit he pulls, it will never affect him. Remember when Craig was addicted to cocaine for a week and then wasn't? Yeah, Craig is lame enough that he could easily turn into a massive drug addict after only doing it for a week, but I disapprove.

Does It Go There? Sean Goes There
And by "there" I mean Afghanistan, probably forever. No one who joins the Canadian military and then goes to Afghanistan ever comes back. Look at Ellie's dad. He's been in Afghanistan since season 3. Sean will probably meet him there.

Ellie's Dad: Weren't you one of Ellie's friends?

Sean: Friend is kind of a strong word. I knew her from school.

Ellie's Dad: You had to get away from her too, huh?

Sean: Yup, that's why I'm here.

Ellie's Dad: That's why I haven't been home in five years. Did she stop dressing like a Goth, at least?

Sean: Yeah, she stopped that a few years ago. She's still pretty annoying.

MySpace Friend: Mary Mack
Mary Mack is a very funny comedy person from Minnesota. She tells jokes and people laugh. Sometimes not very loudly. She reminds me of Mitch Hedberg if he had a vagina. And judging by the popularity of the Mitch Hedberg with a vagina photoshopped pictures I upload to various web forums, that would be a very successful niche to occupy. You can currently see her compete on the show Last Comic Standing. I believe she will win that show because she is funny and hardly any of the people who compete on Last Comic Standing are ever any good. You should go to her Myspace page and add her as a friend as well as watch her delightful videos. Right now, we have slightly more friends on Boycott the Caf's page than she does, which is ridiculous because she is in show business and appears on TV while we are just a lame website run by an alleged gay couple.

Did You Know?
If you hold a candle up to a mirror at midnight and chant three times "JT Yorke, I have your penis pump" then the ghost of JT will appear in the mirror. He will try to kill you, but JT is so lame that he won't be able to pass through the mirror. He'll just smack his forehead on the glass. If you want him to go away, just mention how he died in a puddle of another man's pee, like some fucked up porn video from Germany. JT will then cry before disappearing.
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