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"Man With Two Hearts"

Season 8 Episode 5
American airdate: November 7th, 2008

Boycott the Caf name: "Snake has a vibrator?"
Important characters: Peter, Mia, a bunch of new people, Snake's vibrator
Issue of the Week: Snake has a vibrator?

The episode begins with Peter being chased through the woods. At least that's what I assumed it was. Then Coach Armstrong shows up timing the people running so I guess there just exercising. Riley tells Peter that he should consider joining the cross country team. I thought that was what they were doing. Why the hell were they running in the woods if it wasn‘t for cross country practice? At least this must mean the football season is over. Good, that plot device was sooooo dumb.

As Peter exits the woods, Mia comes up and asks him to walk her home, but Peter declines citing a meeting for the cross country team as the reason. Riley is all like "No way bro, you turned down a hottie like that? You be ill trippin yo," or at least that's what he would have said if I wrote the show. Peter says he's not sure about Mia because he just got his heart stomped by Darcy. Riley says he knows how that is right before cracking open a Miller Light, oops that's not right. Sorry I got the scene mixed up with a beer commercial I saw this one time.

I like the science teacher because he makes a bunch of puns about vegetable powered lights. They aren't good puns so I'm not going to bother repeating any but puns no matter how bad are still puns. The teacher says the next unit is about why vegetables are able to power light bulbs and Hey Arnold's clock. That is not going to be an interesting unit. Peter needs a lab partner but nobody likes him. He asks Danny but Danny goes with Darcy because she is a chick and maybe he can hang with Spinner. Peter then asks Derek but Derek says no because he wants to be partners with Moose. I'm not sure why, Moose brings little to the table. If he partnered with Peter he would be able to play Peter's Wii. Maybe Moose has a Playstation 3. Eventually Riley partners with Peter. Peter and Riley are both sure they will fail the assignment.

In a nearby classroom the nerds are building a battle bot. Snake is way more excited about it then they are. Snake is a kook. Claire actually appears to be the only one doing anything. Alli is just reading a magazine. She starts talking about the article which is about figuring out a man's personality depending on if he wears boxers or briefs. Claire's conservative Christian upbringing means she is uncomfortable talking about underpants and almost sets the robot on fire at the mere mention of the subject.

It seems that in order to get the robot done on time the nerds are going to have to work after school at somebody's house. Claire volunteers her domicile but Alli wants to work at Connor's. Connor doesn't want all these people at his place but he has as much willpower as Snake and lets them come over. Alli says she wants to see what a teacher's house looks like. I have no idea why she thinks Snake's house of all places would be interesting.

In the hall Mia invites Peter to see a movie but Peter turns her down because he and Riley need to work on their pickle project. Mia asks if they are having a homosexual affair and Peter says no, there just going to work on their project and play naked robber.* He then invites Mia to hang out with them. Mia says okay as long as Peter will walk her home. She must have a creepy neighbor or something. Girl will not go home by herself.

*Joey Jeremiah's favorite party game.

The nerds meet in order to work on their robot. When the robot doesn't work right isn't so K.C. orders Connor to get him peanut butter. Connor does it because he is a tool. Claire asks where the bathroom is and both the girls go upstairs because apparently they are going to poop at the same time. Alli starts snooping around what she assumes is Snake's bedroom. Its actually Spike's bedroom. Spike makes Snake sleep across the hall in an oversized crib while wearing a giant pair of footy pajamas. Alli finds a vibrator under the bed. It could be Snake's or Spike's but either way it doesn't speak well for Snake. Alli stuffs it in Claire's backpack because its hard to get a hold of sex toys when you're in 9th grade.

Spike comes by and is understanding about all this snooping. She also has a zany new hairdo that makes her look like the wife of the aging hippy who stands outside the mall and tries to sell weed to high schoolers. She jokingly asks the girls if they found any of Snake's deep dark secrets. Fuck yeah they did.

Riley and Peter are working on their project by seeing who gives the presentation by playing a bunch of pool. Mia thinks this is lame and wants to go home but can't leave without Peter because of the Maple Leaf Rapist who has been terrorizing the greater Toronto area for the last 14 months. Peter wins and Mia thinks they can leave but Riley challenges him to another game which Peter accepts. Mia makes a pouty face.

Why is a giraffe's neck so long? Because its head is so far away from it's feet. Peter evidently thinks this is a joke Moose tells him it is not funny. It would seem that befriending Riley comes with the benefit of getting to hang with Danny and Moose as well. That's something, I guess.

Mia comes up and asks Peter if he is up for lunch but Peter says he made plans with the guys but she can come with. Mia is upset about this but Peter makes a good point, they aren't official and are allowed to eat lunch with other people. Plus he keeps inviting her to do stuff with him and the other people. Since they aren't official it would actually be a good idea for them to hang out in groups so that they can get to know each other better without any romantic pressure. Mia doesn't care about getting to know Peter, she just wants something in her vagina and that vibrator she was hiding at Snake's house disappeared. Peter tells Mia he doesn't have any guy friends so this is a chance for him to make some. Mia is still huffy about it. She should be more supportive, its not like she has any friends either.

Alli and Claire go into a stall to discuss the vibrator. I'm not sure why they didn't discuss it yesterday when they stole it or why Claire even brought the vibrator to school. Claire wants nothing to do with sex toys but Alli is curious and opens the package and turns it on. Claire is confused about how it is suppose to be stimulating because as a good Christian girl she has never shoved a piece of vibrating plastic into her sensitive areas. Allie goes to hand it to her but they drop it! It rolls out of the stall and is picked up by Jane. Uh oh Spinner's girlfriend is going to think Alli and Claire are a couple of dick loving lesbos!

As Jane returns the vagrant sex toy Alli asks Jane if she has one. Alli that's a very inappropriate question. You barely know her. Just because she is handing you your lost vibrator it doesn't mean you can ask about hers. Jane says she doesn't have this particular model before explaining that solo sex is normal. This is like the weirdest public service announcement ever. Alli asks Claire if she has ever done the nasty and Claire is disgusted by the mere thought of it. That doesn't stop Claire from putting the vibrator back in her purse rather then just throwing it away.

In the weight room Riley and Peter talk about Mia and how Peter sucks at dating her. Riley says its worth it because Mia is a super hot model. The way he says it makes him sound exactly like a person who is in the closet and is trying to fool everybody. I don't know if he is suppose to be gay or not but he and Peter totally have man crushes on each other. Peter invites Riley over to play his Wii (video game you pervs) Riley is apprehensive about skipping class even though they are skipping class to work out. Then he remembers that nobody at Degrassi goes to class anyways.

Riley dominates at Wii boxing, owing it to the fact that he took lessons when he was younger. He offers to give some advice to Peter, even though actual boxing knowledge doesn't really help with Wii boxing. Then while showing Peter where to keep his hands Riley goes in for the kiss. I guess he is gay. Peter is not amused.

Peter runs back to the school and gives Mia some tongue. He needs to get his Kinsey Scale back in order. Between Riley and what happened at the bus stop he's batting a four right now. Peter says they should be official in order to cement more making out in the future and make sure everybody knows he liked chicks.

In math Connor is teaching Coach Armstrong about imaginary numbers. My favorite imaginary number is Slive. On his way to his seat Connor steps on Claire's book bag which turns the vibrator on somehow. Coach Armstrong tells Claire that the school has no cell phone policy. He then asks "Whats this?" while pulling out the vibrator. I guess he thought it was a vibrator shaped cell phone. Alli tries to cover saying it's a robot for their project. The project is in their vaginas.

Peter and Rhiley do their report on glowing pickles and frankly do all right despite a total lack of work on their part as well as huge amounts of homosexual tension. Afterwards Peter wants to talk but Riley says he has nothing to say. I don't know why he has the attitude, he was the one who tried to kiss Peter. Also what's up with Peter not being a douche about this? Peter is actually an upstanding guy this season. What gives?

You might think hiphopchkk4 is referring to the last scene but I'm not sure. People are constantly calling Peter gay on these vomits, even in scenes or episodes where he doesn't appear.

Because Claire got caught in school with items of a sexy nature she has to meet with the principal and her mom. He should really probably not be holding that, much less waving it around like he does. Here is an exact quote from The Shep "Now there's no school to cover this one, so the good news we can all put this incident behind us." That is totally a vibrator in the butt joke. By the principal no less! The principal is making jokes about anal stimulation dude! Right to a student and her mom! The principal!

Claire's mother doesn't want the vibrator put in her behind though, demanding to know who gave the sex toy to her daughter. The Shep is shocked to hear it didn't belong to her. He also can barely contain his laughter. He is absolutely loving this. Claire takes the blame saying she bought it because she doesn't want to admit she stole a vibrator from Snake. Sure it was in the package but the fact that it was going to be anywhere near his anus is still really gross.

Claire's mother is so ashamed of her daughter she can't even look at her. You would think she would be a little use to this sort of thing considering Darcy put sexy pictures of herself on the web shortly before getting raped and trying to kill herself. If I was mama Edwards I'd be pumped that Claire is at least only sexing up herself. Claire says she barely knows what a vibrator does even though everybody else does and her lack of sexual knowledge is frustrating. She says she is tired of being the odd one out. Step one to being a normal student would be to stop dressing like somebody's fetish.

During lunch, Peter reveals to Mia that he and Riley made an appearance on the popular morning talk show Make Out San Francisco. Mia says Peter should still try to be Riley's friend because even though Riley is gay and tries making out with you it doesn't mean he doesn't need friends. Peter agrees. He was the one who tried talking this over with Riley earlier, remember?

An undefined time later that day. Claire's mother finally gives Claire the sex talk.

Like all sex talks it is confusing and awkward

At school the next day Claire tells Alli that her mother gave her an informative speech about sex. Used Power Points and everything. Alli asks Claire if she has ever dittled her ton-ton and Claire doesn't give a straight answer. Oh man she totally did it last night with Snake's vibrator no less. Holly J comes up and asks what Jesus would think if he knew his disciple was wang chunging herself. Claire says that Jesus would be cool with it and if Holly J gave it a try she wouldn't be much of a bitch. This is why Holly J will never be the new Paige. Paige wouldn't get burned like that. Paige also had friends.

Peter is going to have his own sex talk, with Riley. Peter says he isn't into dudes but he doesn't care if Riley is a gay and they can still be man pals. Riley screams that nothing happened and goes into a homorage pushing Peter up against a locker and sticking his face awkwardly close to Peters. He then runs off in a huff, oops that was actually Riley's exact twin Hermando that was kissing Peter.

Later on Peter tries to be friend with Riley but Riley won't have any of that. He also calls Peter a fag. That's like the pot calling the kettle a fag. Looks like Peter is back to not having any friends. Also Riley is going to man rape him in the woods. Riley truly is a man with two hearts.

Rating: D
This episode is obviously nothing more then a ratings ploy with the hope that vibrators and homosexuality will pull in viewers. Maybe if Paige had found a vibrator and made liberal use of it this would have worked, but Claire looks like she is 12 so it's really creepy.

Does It Go There? Yes
Now please never go there again.

Final Thoughts:
This episode is just gross. Why does Snake own a vibrator? Why do the nerd girls steal the vibrator? Why are dude's kissing? I realize that Degrassi wants to be 100% intense but this episode just feels desperate. Clarie learning that sex isn't bad harkens back to the orgins of the series as a educational show but they haven't done that for about six seasons. Why jump back now? I think it was just an excuse to have a vibrator on the show and hopfully get people to talk about how Degrassi is cutting edge. To bad nobody but the fans care about Degrassi anymore, and even most of the fans hate what the show has become.

Oh and you may have noticed I named everybody in this review. It's not because I was paying attention to the series, I just looked up all their names. If it wasn't for the internet I would have had to refer to 90% of the characters featured by how they were dressed

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