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"Bad Medicine"

Season 8 Episode 10
Canadian airdate: January 25th, 2009

Boycott the Caf name: "More Like Gay Medicine"
Important characters: Riley, the Websters
Issue of the Week: Homosexuality, steroids

Before we begin, I would like to inform you losers of some news. You may know that Aubrey Graham (Jimmy) has a rap career. When I used to say that, I meant he had a Myspace page with some songs. But he recently had an interview with vibe.com about his music. Naturally, the first question was about Degrassi.

VIBE.com: You were on Degrassi for eight years. It must have taken a lot to leave that comfort zone. When did you know it was time to go?

Jimmy: I can't really say I left that show. One day we came in and all the names were just changed on the dressing rooms. Everyone got cut. We go upstairs and it's like, "Who are all these people auditioning in the front?" They owe us a lot of money. The amount of loyalty, the years we put in with these people…they did us foul. As far as the producers go, I don't talk to anybody over there.

How about that sack of potatoes? The producers fired all of the original season 1 & 2 grade 9 cast members except for Spinner. Aubrey should consol himself in the knowledge that the show is even worse now than when he was on. That was a really dickish move by the producers even if you wonder how long Aubrey expected to remain on a show that was about high school when his character had already graduated. The kid who played Toby could have warned him too, the producers kicked him off without warning years ago.

On to the episode. The Degrassi bus brings the football team back from a game. Riley is the star of the game and everyone congratulates him for winning it for Degrassi. You may remember that Riley is a closeted homosexual. I sure didn't, but I didn't review that episode so I was lucky enough to have never watched it. The Shep tells Riley it is too bad he does not have a girl to celebrate his victory with and then informs him Danny is single. That was not a joke by the Shep, he is confused and thinks Danny is the second girl on the team. Riley looks at the players celebrating with their dates and is jealous to be alone and without a penis in his mouth. He no doubt wished he were Jane at the moment, in his football uniform, wrapped in Spinner's arms. I say no doubt because there is no doubt anyone would love be in Jane's position right now. Playing Spinner's girlfriend is the most prized acting position in all of Canada.

Riley IMs a boy he went to summer camp with three years ago and must have gotten it on with gay style. I like Riley because his screen name is just his actual name instead of some internet gibberish. He does not care for this internet since he does not yet have a credit card to subscribe to gay porn sites. The other kid sends him a picture and Riley is impressed that the boy is no longer skinny. The boy still looks incredibly skinny, so I wonder how horribly skinny he was three years ago. Riley must have met him while working at a camp for starving Eskimo refugee from Nunavut. Riley was nursing the skeletal boy back to health one day with formula from a bottle when the formula ran out. Still hungry, the boy sought nourishment from Riley's nipples. It only got gayer from there.

Anya walks by and Riley closes his laptop really quickly so Anya won't see that he is gay. She is just going to assume he was looking at porn in the library. Riley needs a girl to cover his cock love so he asks Anya out to a picnic. Anya says yes. Anya is the new Ellie.

The guys work out in the weight room, which is just the boy's locker room with weights in it. Must suck if a girl would like to lift weights. The Shep is doing whatever he can to get Jane off the team. Bruce is impressed by how Riley is able to lift so much more weight than Riley could last year. Riley has been taking steroids he orders from the internet, but he can just claim it's all because of puberty. He then loudly tells the team he is dating Anya. The teammates agree that Anya is hot.

"Yeah she is," Riley says, "I tell you, she has a sexy...um...breast tissue. Yes. I would like to very much...um...put my hand on those, I am not lying. Then I would squeeze the milk out--all of the milk. Am I right, my fellow heterosexuals?"

Salve is angry because he dated Anya for one episode until she broke up with him because he is a Muslim and she did not want to live under Sharia law. According to the honor code of Salve's stupid religion, Anya is not allowed to be with another male or Salve has the right to behead her. Salve tells Riley that it's against dude rules to date another teammate's ex. I think that's perfectly fine in high school, especially in Degrassi where every girl ends up dating every boy for at least one episode.

Anya and Riley have a meal at the Dot, the most romantic and upscale restaurant in all of Canada. Holly J is their waitress and is really rude to them because she is Holly J and does not wants a tip. Peter and Mia sit at the next table and then the girls go to the bathroom together. Since the girls are going to be there for at least 45 minutes, Peter takes the time to ask Riley what it up. You see, Peter assumes Riley is gay just from that incident where they kissed. "It's a weird mistake," Riley retorts, "look at you, you're really girly looking."

On another date, Riley takes Anya out for a picnic. He put together this picnic basket, but Anya still doesn't suspect Riley is gay. Riley says his mom was excited that he was taking a cheerleader out on a date, after he told her there were no boys on the cheerleading team. They kind of kiss, but Riley is turned off by her lack of stubble. Riley later meets up with the boy he chatted with online. They were supposed to meet up earlier, but Riley ran away. He was wearing a hoodie at the time, so he looked like he just mugged an old lady and was running from the police. But Riley meets the boy a second time. I guess the kid spent the last few days in the woods. Maybe he slept in Jay's sex van. That's great if you're gay because there are so many semen stains. That smell will equal sweet dreams.The boy goes down on Riley. Just another story in the Erotic Tales of the Ravine, now selling in bookstores that are located in the upstairs of headshops.

Anya and Riley agree to just be friends. At a football practice, The Shemp quotes Vince Lombardi. I don't know if he gave a correct quote. Knowing what a dumbass he is, I would think not, but I don't know anything about football. It's a good thing Johnny wrote the review for the episode with the game in it. I would have just assumed they were playing field hockey because it's not cold enough to play regular hockey yet.

Riley gets a text from his blowjob buddy and Salve thinks it is from Anya. Salve gets angry and says he was with Anya for six months and that means something. Salve is having hard time understanding that in a secular country like Canada, dating a girl for six months doesn't mean he owns her. What is he even doing on the football team? The brou-ha-ha over letting Jane on the team is ridiculous when you notice she has way more muscle than Salve does. Degrassi must be hard pressed to fill their football roster.

Salve belittles Riley's picnic by calling it gay. Oh, it's on now. Riley totally beats the shit out of Salve. Salve can't get a hit in because he is such a wimp. I really hate Salve, so I say to Riley: You go girlfriend! Gay people who aren't Marco are really good at kicking ass on this show.

Peter brings Riley his homework for the next six weeks because Riley is suspended. Riley admits that he is taking steroids in order to be a sports superstar in hopes it will get him the ladies and chase away his love of mancock. That's a lot of drama to fill in a half hour, especially since this is only the second Riley episode and Riley taking steroids was maybe 3% of the episode. Will Riley continue to take such bad medicine?

There is a B plot involving Danny and Derek and some new girl named Leia, who has the sexist first name ever. Derek likes Leia and wants to date her. Of course, Leia does not like Derek. Leia does like to dance, however. Danny thinks he is too cool for Derek now, I guess because he cut his hair short. But Derek has short hair too, we're all back to only be able to tell them apart by their skin color. I dunno, I think Danny really is white, he just never showers.

Rating: D
I don't blame Riley for not wanting to come out of the closet. It's not like Degrassi has had any good gay role models. I don't know if anyone still in school would even remember Marco, but that kid was really whiny and has sex with rabbits. The only gay couple in school now are Danny and Derek, so Riley must think a big part of being gay is smelling of body odor and cat piss. But if he came out I don't think he would have any problems. Even is Salve or some other retarded new kid made fun of him, Riley could just kick their asses because all the straight boys attending school right now are way more feminine and wimpy than him.

Does It Go There? Pills Go There
Does Riley know what is in those steroids he is ordering over the internet? I bet they are what is making him gay.
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