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"Heart of Glass"

Season 8 Episode 16
Canadian airdate: March 22nd, 2009

Boycott the Caf name: "Heart of Ass"
Important characters: Alli, Johnny, Peter, Mia
Issue of the Week: Sex makes everything worse

Things start off with Alli and Johnny making out in a car in front of Alli‘s home. Good for them. Alli wants one more kiss but then Johnny kicks her out because he enjoys toying with her emotions. Inside her home Alli barely acknowledges her mother and calls the library stupid before running into her room to watch porn, but that's expected from a teenager. She then dials her telephone and tells the person on the other end that she hates her life. I think she either called Claire or the suicide helpline.

In class the next day Alli tells Claire that she thinks Johnny is no longer interested in her because he is rude to her and their relationship is nothing like the ones on poorly written teen dramas. I'm pretty sure he was rude to her in the beginning of their relationship, as well as before that. Alli demonstrates how she want Johnny to hold her in his arms and make out with her. Coach Armstrong watches her do this and is all "Damn bitch!" while his track pants do little to save him embarrassment. Liberty has been gone a long time and the coach don't get no love from anybody else.

Between classes Alli randomly asks older Degrassi females who come into the classroom if their boyfriends want to have lots of sex, to which they say yes. They then tell Alli that at Lakehurst Johnny totally boned a bunch of chicks. Uh oh, it would appear he must not be humping Alli because he doesn't like her and since this is a high school relationship Alli must do everything possible to make it work!

Alli puts her hands over Johnny's eyes. When she reveals herself he says "You're not Bruce." Interesting reaction.

Alli invites Johnny to a movie, I guess that's how she plans on saving the relationship, but Johnny is going to the ravine with Bruce instead. Let me get this straight Jon-boy. Instead of going out with your girlfriend you instead want to go to the location of the sex van with a large man. I guess its confirmed, Johnny Dimarco is gay. I suppose it makes sense, inside the name Dimarco is the name Marco. I bet Marco is in a lot more of him than just his name.

Alli insists on coming to the ravine with Johnny and he must agree lest his cover be blown.

Outside the school Peter and some other guy, I think it was Rhiley, I don't know or care walk up to Mian and Anya. Peter starts talking gobbily gook, which it turns out is Swahili. Peter is in model U.N. and represents Kenya. Any African nation is an easy country for model U.N. because they have no power and nobody cares about their opinion. Even the most powerful African nation ranks below Belarus.

Anya thinks its not a coincidence that Peter chose the country that Darcy went to. The way model U.N. works is that each school receives a few countries and then meet with the other schools for the competition. it's a good thing that Degrassi happened to receive Kenya because otherwise this plot wouldn't be able to exist.

Alli takes Claire with her to the ravine. I'm not sure why, Claire doesn't want to be there and her presence will only make it harder for Alli to seduce Johnny. Maybe its because the ravine is such a wild place that a lone girl would probably get raped on the way there. Claire can act as a decoy giving Alli time to run away while her friend is raped. The ravine is a wild post apocalyptic future wasteland where there is nothing to stop wild teens from standing on top of cars or making out next to cars people are standing on.

Bruce asks Johnny if he has "hit that yet" implying sexual relations with Alli. Johnny says he hasn't because he likes her. We are suppose to think Johnny wants the relationship to last so he is putting off sex but I think he has an STD that he doesn't want to give to Alli.

Hot ravine action can get a little to intense for younger viewers so the show gives us a break by heading over to the be plot. Mia wants to go see a movie but Peter is too busy reading a book about Kenya. People not accepting invitations to see movies is becoming a theme in this episode. When asked why he picked Kenya Peter says its because it's the hub of Africa and mentions something Darcy told him. This upsets Mia. She feels threatened if Peter talks to his ex even if they live on a different continent.

Back to the ravine! Darcy and Claire are making fun of Bruce because he didn't know that Animal Farm was an allegory. Then Claire wants to leave because it's seven o'clock and I guess that's her curfew. I don't see what the issue is, it's still light out. Elementary school kids can stay out past seven. Her parents must have put strict rules on her because of Darcy. Darcy stayed out past seven and constantly had sex/got raped/dated Peter and none of those are good.

Claire pulls Alli aside and is shocked that Alli wants to stay at a party with her boyfriend instead of going to her house to study for a math competition. Sometimes I don't think Claire is a human. She does not seem to understand human wants or emotions. She is either a robot or Japanese. Claire leaves so the cool kids can start having fun.

Two people (I don't know if I'm suppose to know who they are but I'm going to refer to them as man-slut and lady-slut) come up to Alli and ask if she's going to sex up Johnny. They themselves are going to go have sexual relations and don't mind letting other people know because they are classy. Lady-slut doesn't believe Alli when she implies that she and Johnny may have had sex and makes a comment about discussing Russian literature at the ravine. Too bad Animal Farm was written by an English writer and is not Russian literature. Take that lady-slut!

Haha, Seinfeld references

"This is perfect, just you, just me," Alli says later that night under a leantwo surrounded by people. Alli basically tackles Johnny and assaults him with her mouth. Bruce comes by throwing condoms at them and laughing. He loves his job with Planned Parenthood.

Peter and Mia are about to watch a movie. I assume it's The Mighty Ducks because why would you want to watch a movie that isn't The Mighty Ducks? Mia looks in Peter's book on Kenya and finds an application for being a relief worker in Kenya. Uh oh, looks like Peter is going to Kenya to have sex with Darcy. You know, because that's what people in high school do when the girl they are dating goes to Kenya. They become a relief worker in Kenya. They never move on, or wait for her to return. That would be unrealistic.

For some reason having sex in a dirty van surrounded by drunks makes Alli feel violated and wants to go home. We get a rare shot of Johnny without his hat. I assumed he always wore a hat because he was going bald.

At home she looks at herself teary eyes in the mirror. Then her mom comes in to talk about how proud she is of Alli. Alli of course feels horrible because sex is evil and nothing good ever comes from it. Just try to think of one Degrassi character who hasn't had some major problem came around from sex. They either get pregnant, gonorrhea, raped, or aids. I think Spinner is the only character who has sex on a regular basis and hasn't had and direct problems arise from it. Speaking of Spinner, why isn't he in this episode? All woman should lose their virginity to Spinner. He has done enough for Allah to have earned it.

The next day Alli is still upset. She tells Claire that she might have gotten an STD or pregnant from Johnny. They used a condom but everybody knows that 10% of the condoms Bruce gives out have holes poked into them. He's a psychopath. Alli describes the sex as perfect, so at least Johnny is a good lover. Good for him.

Anya volunteers herself and Mia for model U.N. because this will make Peter not leave for Kenya somehow. Don't ask me why, I didn't write this episode. The teacher makes a comment that the competition is in two weeks. Considering they just joined and have to compete in only 14 days we can be sure they will do poorly. Mia whispers to Peter that she knows all about Kenya, the situation, not the country. She then walks out of the meeting but not before she knocks over Peter's placard. That showed him!

Johnny grabs Alli's butt and calls her Backwoods. Get it? Back because the butt is in the back of a person and woods because that's where they fucked. Johnny can be kind of awesome sometimes. Alli doesn't like the name and asks Johnny his middle name since she doesn't know it and they had sex so they should know stuff about one another. Nancy asked me if I knew her middle name once. I said "If it's not I'm-going-to-make-you-a-sandwich then I don't care." And then she hit me in the groin. Johnny's middle name is George. Johnny is bummed since he had sex with a girl he likes and that's a surefire way to destroy the relationship.

Alli is so upset about having sex that she runs out of the math competition. I must be upset about sex as well since I would also run from a math competition. People running out of after school events is becoming a theme in this episode.

Peter comes clean to Mia, admitting that he is unsure about his feelings for Darcy and that he was thinking about going to Kenya but wasn't going to tell her until he made a decision. Peter tells Mai he likes her but also likes Darcy and is going to have to think long and hard about who he wants to be with.

The fat Inuit nurse can't find a thing wrong with Alli. Its not possible she just freaked out during a math competition due to pressure. That would be a silly diagnosis. In comes Claire to check on Alli. Shouldn't she be in the math competition right now? I'd say the loss of two of the smart kids would hurt Degrassi in the competition but girls, no matter how smart they are, are bad at math.

Alli admits that sex was awkward and uncomfortable, which is pretty much true…I am told. Alli doesn't want to tell this to Johnny for fear that he won't think she is cool. I think Johnny accidentally put it in her butt which would explain why she feels so violated.

In the hall Johnny gives Alli a heart shaped pennant. He stole this from JT when JT got stabbed by his friend. Yeah that's right, he stole it right off the body of a newly murdered corpse. He's cold blooded like that. JT was wearing it because it was a gift from Toby.

Johnny remarks that the gift is "kind of lame" but Alli sleeps with a stuffed moose so I'm sure she wouldn't mind. She admits she wasn't ready for the horrors that are intercourse. Then she breaks up with Johnny. I think she's upset about having sex because she can no longer be a reward for a suicide bomber.

Peter tells Mia he has chosen her, quoting "Love the one you're with" which upsets Mia since the other part of the song is "if you can't be with the one you love." Yes these two teenagers in 2009 are familiar with Stephan Stills songs. Why wouldn't they be? I bet Mia would have been fine if Peter quoted a Neil Young song.

Peter: I told Darcy it's over, "Should have been done long ago."
Mia: Peter, do me right here against this locker.

As it is Mia is unimpressed. Peter admits that he loves Darcy and probably always will but he is starting to love Mia. This isn't good enough for her and she breaks up with him. Every time Peter is honest he loses the girl. He's just going to go back to being evil, lying all the time and making tapes of Manny taking her clothes off.

Alli tells Claire she can't be with Johnny because there are some things she won't do to be in a relationship. This would make sense if she wasn't the one who pressured him for sex. Alli decides to see if Johnny wants to be in a non-sexual relationship with her and Johnny reveals it was his first time as well. Well that's what he said. Its probably not true but Alli thinks it is so that's what counts! They get back together. Johnny did not break Alli's heart of glass.

Rating: D
Fuck this shit

Does It Go There? No.
Seriously, fuck it.

Final Thoughts:
No more words. I'm done doing reviews for this season. Good night.
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