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"Just Can't Get Enough" part 1

Season 9 Episodes 1 & 2
Canadian airdate: October 4th, 2009

Boycott the Caf name: "Peter's Peril"
Important characters: Peter, Mia, Clare, Alli, The Incest Kids, Jenna, Holly J
Issue of the Week: Drugs are bad (IX)

It's either a new school year or a new semester at Degrassi. I don't care which. A fancy Canadian limo pulls up to the school (a 1983 Chrysler LeBaron) and two assholes get out. These are the new characters. Right away these two look about as happy to be going to Degrassi as I am watching it.

Chante Black accosts the new kids with her video camera, claiming to be Degrassi's "Unofficial Video Blogger" or some other shit. It's Chante, so who cares? The new kids reveal themselves to be brother and sister whose father is a diplomat. I don't know what a diplomat is doing in Toronto. Even the producers of Degrassi don't know that Toronto is not the capital of Canada. The new kids are named Fiona and Declan. I'm not sure which one is the girl name and which one is the boy name.

Chante informs the new brother and sister about all the people at the school, but only mentions Holly J, Mia and the band. Chante doesn't really know a lot of people. All the people she went to school with before have left.

Studz is playing a song about California and how much better it is to be there than in Canada. Spinner is drumming with one arm. That would explain why Studz sucked as much as Def Leppard, if it were not for the fact that Studz has sucked before Spinner was injured. What is Spinner doing at the school anyway? At this point, he's going to need permission from the principal to even be in the building,

Mia comes back from a big modeling gig in Saskatchewan. Chante bugs Peter and Mia about being Degrassi hottest couple. Is Chante three feet tall? Chante needs to get a life. Everyone knows that Degrassi's hottest couple is Derek and the dummy they use to teach CPR with.

Alli grabs Johnny's ass. Johnny is cool with that cause he thought she was Bruce, but then Alli sticks her hands in his back pocket and Johnny freaks out and elbows her in the face cause he thought she was trying to steal his wallet. Just kidding, Johnny is one of those dickheads who chains his wallet to his pants so he doesn't worry about losing it. He also has his mittens connected by a long line of yarn.

There is another new girl at the school, this blonde bitch named Jenna. Alli instantly hates her. I have never been a teenage girl (except in chat rooms) but I can understand. What I find amazing is that we now have an individual who looks like the exact opposite of Liberty: white, blonde and not covered in scales, yet I still hate her just a much as when I first saw Liberty. Fascinating.

Jenna takes Alli's seat in Media Immersion. Alli asks Mr. Simpson to give her seat back, but Simpson doesn't want to because he has a boner for Jenna.

Ha ha, that's merely a sick joke, people. We all know that Mr. Simpson is unable to get an erection ever since Spike had him chemically castrated.

Meanwhile, Peter is looking forward to being in the new music class being taught by that BareNaked Ladies guy. After all, Peter figures, he did play with his band in a major Hollywood movie. Um...I don't know how to break this to Peter, but it was just a Kevin Smith movie. Not even that, it was a Jason Mewes movie. Peter is going to be really excited when this movie makes it world debut on Comedy Central Canada at 2pm on a Sunday. The BNL guy doesn't let Peter in the class because there is not enough slots. Peter is mad and tells Salve, "Whatever. That loser doesn't know the first thing about music."

Hey, Peter is right!

Jenna is playing guitar for Holly J in the caf. Holly J is digging it 'cause she has a crush on Jenna. Jenna is then happy when Alli calls her pretty and calls Alli pretty.

Alli still hates Jenna, who gets giddy about putting a cotton swab in Clare's mouth in science class.

You know what? I don't know what is going on with this B plot, so I am just going to assume that these girls are all lesbians and a serious dyked up love triangle is going down.

Mia waits for Peter in the abandoned factory he lives by looking as cute as button with no visible stretch marks for some reason. Mia tells Peter that she has been anointed "The New Euro-Fresh Face" by French President Sarkozy and will be moving to Paris to model. Peter says he will go to Paris with Mia. If this means that the Peter character is going to be gone from the show, I am all for it. He can leave his awesome Flea poster with me. Flea would be so ashamed to be learn he was an inspiration for Studz that he would barely be able to work up the ability to bone your mom.

Alli can;t find Clare and is sad to be missing her GF. Clare is away with Jenna because Jenna is teaching Clare how to play guitar.

Clare: This is a lot harder than it looks.

Jenna: That's what she said.

Alright, Jenna knows to quote The Office, she's cool. Also, this Jenna the Lesbian is okay because she can actually play guitar, a first for a Degrassi character. Here's what it would be like if that nobdick Craig tried to teach Clare to play guitar:

Craig: Put your left hand on the skinny part and press down on the line things.

Clare: You mean the frets?

Craig: Hey don't fret baby, Craigers is here. Now just move your hands around randomly. It doesn't matter.

Clare: Are you going to teach me some chords?

Craig: What's a chord? This is stupid. You want to have sex? I swear I'll love you after word and won't leave you for the next dumb bitch who falls for my scrawny body, Jew hair, mental disorder, and lack of manners or personal responsibility.

Clare invites Jenna over for a finger painting party. Ok, Clare just painted Jenna's nails, but I didn't remember what that is called when I saw that scene, and finger painting was the word that came to mind. Alli is mad at first, but then they all become friends and eat each other out.

Peter and Mia are invited by Declan and Fiona to attend a swanky party at their new mansion (Jimmy Brooks' guest house). You know that it is an important party for prestigious diplomats when a bunch of high schoolers show up. Peter and Mia want to be there so she can smooze with some modeling executives, even though she just got her big time in Paris so can do a lot better than talking to Canadian modeling executives.

Declan or Fiona (whichever one is the boy) calls Peter unsophisticated because he won't each oysters full of cum juice. Peter retorts that he spent two weeks in LA where the parties there are way better. I'd bet partying with Jason Mewes would be way better. Imagine all the intense rounds of beer, pot, sex (well, talking about sex) and Sega Saturn you'd have with Mewes.

The brother one challenges Peter to show his guitar skills to the high society folks. The kid is able to command the attention of all the "important" people there. Hey, did you ever see the episode of Flight of the Concords where the Prime Minister of New Zealand came to visit? That was funny. I imagine whatever diplomats are hanging around this party are the Canadian version of that band's manager/Deputy Cultural Attaché.

And once again, I bring up another show in a review that is miles ahead of Degrassi.

Peter blows it on guitar in front of everybody and is embarrassed. Mia meets with some big time (by Canada's standard) modeling people, while Peter is defeated on the couch. He gets ready to start masturbating when the sister one and another girl sit down with him. This is Peter, so he's thinking he's going to pull the puppy dog eyes and get them into a three-way but instead one girl offers him something called "crank" and Peter gets high at the party. All he does while high is kiss Mia and eat a cum oyster.

So I guess Peter has a drug problem now.

By the way, Peter assumed that Fiona and Declan were boyfriend and girlfriend. The girl who gave him the drugs told him, "Fiona and Declan are very close." The sister got really defensive about that comment but didn't say anything to refute it.

I'm 99% sure that Fiona and Declan are fucking each other.

Ok, we're halfway through with this shit people. Let's not give up now ->

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