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"You Be Illin"

Season 9 Episode 5
Canadian airdate: October 18th, 2009

Boycott the Caf name: "Alli is Emma in the episode Secret part 2"
Important characters: Alli, Johnny, Peter
Issue of the Week: STDs and the people who have them.

Alli, Claire, and bubbly blonde are breaking into the school to find Johnny's phone and the naked Alli pics. They search his locker but don't find the naked photos. They do find not naked photos of Alli and Johnny which makes Alli miss Johnny because she is a moron.

Later on Alli tries to convince Johnny to give him the phone, but Johnny wants to use it as a tool to make her talk to him. That's like the creepiest reason to have naked pictures of a girl. What he should do is make copies of the pictures and return the phone. That way he looks like a good guy and might be able to hook up with her again and if not he still has naked pictures of her.

Oh, I forgot to mention, that locker earlier was Johnny's decoy locker. Because people have things like that.

Johnny promises to not show Bruce anymore pictures of Alli, which is a step in the right direction, I guesse. Alli happily walks away at this point, she still has feelings for Johnny because like I said earlier, she is a moron.

Peter wants to play pool and jam with Sav and Derek but they are too busy with homework. That's right, people would rather do homework then hang out with Peter, and with good cause. Then it comes out that Jane is singing for Studz, or as the are known as now: Rush 2.0. They are a Rush cover band. Upset that he was replaced, Peter throws a huge hissy fit during which he knocks over some instruments while crying

In volleyball class, Alli tells bubbly blonde about how she wants to be with Johnny still and that Johnny was her first. Alli then asks if it was a bad idea to break up with Johnny. No, it wasn't. Do you know what Bruce is going to do while thinking about your naked picture? Grosser things than masturbating, I can tell you that. Bubbly blonde says that if they are destined to be together then they will get back together. Alli seems to take this to mean she should get back together with him.

In Media Immersion they are studying website security. Not how to make a website so it is secure, they are just going to go to websites and make observations about how they require you to put in a password. Johnny comes by and Alli just leaves class to talk with him. He returns the phone and pictures, because there is no way he could have made copies of them. Snake comes out and sends Johnny away, he tries to be intimidating while doing it but we all know Alli could take him any day of the week.

After class Alli makes plans to meet up with Johnny. Alli justifies it by saying Johnny might be sorry for sending nude pictures of her to people, almost as if this makes up for sending nude pics in the first place. It doesn't.

At The Dot, Peter confronts Spinner about how Jane is the new singer for Studz. Spinner says they did it because they needed somebody to fill that role and they all knew Peter was trying to kick his crack habit. Peter was at rehab for a week at most but the band agreed that they really didn't want to hang around him anymore. This was just their excuse to replace him. Spinner consoles Peter by giving him a free coke. Coke and Semen. Don't misunderstand, Spinner isn't playing a trick on Peter. Coke and Spinner Semen is The Dot's newest drink sensation.

Johnny has detention in the music room. Nobody is supervising him. In a world with MP3 players, hand held video games, and masturbation the honor system is a really dumb way to operate detention. Alli comes in and tries ramming her tongue down his throat because she seems to think they are back together. As it turns out Johnny wanted her to meet him so he could tell her he might have given her herpes. Oh snap. It would seem when Johnny told her he was a virgin he meant he was born in Virginia, and as you know Virginia is for lovers.

Alli's life pretty much sucks doesn't it? She gets arrested, has nude pics distributed, has an std, she's one rape away from pretty much covering every past storyline that's ever happened to a female cast member.

Part of having herpes is checking your vagina with a mirror apparently. That's got to be weird. I had a tuft of hair sticking out of the back of my head once. I was growing my hair out and didn't feel like seeing a barber so I decided to cut it myself, but doing it in the mirror was crazy cause it was all backwards and stuff. Looking at your vagina in the mirror must feel the same way.

The next day Alli and bubbly blonde go to the slut clinic. Everything is okay. The slut doctor gives Alli the a clear bill of health and a brochure on the HPV vaccine. No lollipop though, sluts don't get candy.

Peter has bought a van in order to get his friends to like him again. This way they don't have to carry their equipment on the subway when they have gigs. Considering he talked to Spinner last night after school the very idea that he would be able to buy a van, even if money was not a problem, is a bit ludicrous. How do you just buy a vehicle in the middle of the night? Did he go pay cash at the all night van store? Buying an automobile just so your old friends will like you is really pathetic.

Peter thinks that because he let the band use his van he is a member again. To bad nobody likes Peter. They tell him that Jane is going to be the singer and he can suck a lemon. This makes Peter so upset that he runs to the bathroom and poops his pants.

Webster feels bad for Peter and the next day he hires him to be a roadie. Peter's compensation is hot wings. I'm not sure why he can't be a guitar player in the band but whatever. I don't give a shit.

Meanwhile Alli and bubbly blonde are enacting a poorly thought out plot they came up against Johnny in media immersion. I forget to mention that the Rush 2.0's gig was at the school. I think it was homework for Sav and Webster's music appreciation class.

Bubbly blonde tries to get Johnny to admit he has herpes while she wears a wire and the conversation is broadcasted over the amps. Instead he says he only loves Alli and only wants to have sex with her. Then the fact that bubbly blonde is wired is revealed in a way so retarded I refuse to discuss it.

The next day Alli sees Johnny in the hall and is nervous. She doesn't know if she should like him or not because she is a moron. Claire reminds Alli that Johnny hurt her, lied to her, and is greasy. The last episode I reviewed had somebody call Johnny greasy. Dude needs to shower more often.

Johnny wants to get back together but Alli says its game over. After all they could have another STD scare. It wouldn't be good if the doctor said to her "You be illin."

Rating: Retarded
I'm not sure how Billie is going to average this with the other episodes, but this one was retarded. There's no other way to say it.

Does It Go There? No
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