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"Wanna Be Startin' Something"

Season 9 Episode 6
Canadian airdate: October 11th, 2009

Boycott the Caf name: "I Think This is Like the Babysitter's Club, Not That I Have Any Idea What the Babysitter's Club is About"
Important characters: Jane the Former Man, Holly Shit, Mini Connor
Issue of the Week: Sisterhood, urine

I want to say first off that I hate this episode, so I'm going to occasionally interrupt my review of "Wanna Be Startin' Something" with portions of my review of Terminator II: Judgment Day, which, unlike Degrassi, is exceptionally well written and acted. Finally, I can critique a piece of entertainment I enjoy!

Holly Shit wants to go with her girlfriends (whoever those are, I don't think she has any) on a shopping trip to buy clothes at the mall "at hobo prices." I guess they are going to the Salvation Army store. Who the Hell is Anya is mad at Salve for not doing something so Salve sings one of his stupid little songs and Who the Hell is Anya gets back with him and they blow off the shopping trip to watch The Jonas Brothers Show or something.

Holly Shit and Jane the Former Man team up for an economics class project because they are the only two girls in the class. There are only two girls in the class because it involves doing math and business which are too hard for most girl's tiny brains. Ha ha ha. Boy, when I am done with this review I am going to spray on some Axe, open up my latest issue of Maxim to learn how to score!

Anyway, they start becoming sort of friends because they have Spinner in common. A customer in the Dot gives Holly Shit her baby in lieu of a tip. This gives the girls the idea to start up a babysitting club for their class project. I think this is supposed to be like the Baby Sitters Club, but I have never read those books so I don't know how close to the books this scheme is. Boxcar Children for life!

Later on, Holly Shit accidentally rear ends the car of The Boy Whose Name is Either Declan or Fiona. The Boy says not to worry because his car has diplomatic licence plates so as he says, "I can drive on the wrong side of the road in reverse and no cop can touch me." I didn't know diplomatic immunity applied to children or people who were Canadian citizens inside Canada. What would a diplomat being doing in Toronto anyway? Wikipedia says that the capital of Canada is Ottawa. I keep correcting that to Toronto but other people keep insisting it's Ottawa and reedit the entry and give me warnings. Stupid jerks, Degrassi tells us all that the capital of Canada is Toronto and that show is presumably made in Canada.

John Connor and Bobby Budnick are at the arcade when the T-1000 shows up looking for him. Budnick warns his friend and John makes haste.

Meanwhile, Mini Connor wants people to pay attention to him. He figures the way to accomplish this is to get onto Chante the Black's website. I don't think anyone knows who Chante the Black is either or that she has a website. I think the only reason she is still at the school is because the administration forgot to graduate her last year. She just wanders the halls like a ghost.

Mini Connor puts pop rocks into a two litter of cola which causes an explosion of poptastic preportions in the caf. Much like Spinner before him, Bruise the Muse doesn't appreciate people disrespecting the caf and making a mess for the cafeteria crew to clean up, so he pours some pop on Mini Connor's trousers! Hey everyone, Mini Connor peed his pants!

Mini Connor vows revenge for this grave insult.

If I was writing T2, I would have changed this scene where the Terminator reveals that he is has arrived to protect John Connor instead of kill him. In Terminator 2 by Billie Green, the T-800 hands John Connor a boutique of roses and says, "Terminator love you."

Mini Conner plots his revenge. He fills a water bottle with his pee and pours it over Bruise's locker and also Bruise. Bruise is understandably upset about this and challenges Mini Connor to a fight after school. I guess Bruise the Muse needs to get into training if he is going to beat up someone who is one-fifth his size.

Luckily for Mini Connor, he has now achieved fame at the school. People know who he is. Too bad they know him as they kid who peed all over Bruise's locker.

"Grilled bree hoagies? Who you feeding tonight? The Pope?" says Spinner. Spinner only lets Holly Shit break out the sandwich machine when the Pope visits the Dot. The Pope looks to Spinner for spiritual guidance. The two of them (Spinner and Holly Shit) talk about how awesome Jane the Former Man is and how lucky she is to be Spinner's girlfriend.

Holly Shit drives by Jane the Former Man's house to FIND JANE MAKING OUT WITH THAT NEW GUY!

Dun! Dun! DUN!

I tell you, if I could turn myself into the floor I would place myself in a woman's bathroom. Of course, I would end the day covered in bits of toilet paper and used tampons, but I'd consider that a grand reward.

Holly Shit and Jane the Former Man discuss Jane's cheating. Jane the Former Man does not consider it cheating because no man could possibly pleasure her as intensely and with as fine a skill as Spinner can. Compared to Spinner's love, making out or having sex with that other boy (whatever she does with him) is like kissing or having sex with your grandmother. Jane also gets mad at Holly for having a crush on Spinner. Holly is surprised Jane knows. Jane said Spinner told her. Spinner told Jane that every woman in the world develops a crush on him sooner or later and Jane will have to learn to live with it. Jane doesn't have any female (or gay male) friends for that good reason.

During their argument, the two girls take the time shake down other girls for their babysitting commission money. They are tough business bitches.

Holly Shit and Jane the Former Man fight for awhile but make up because they don't have any other friends except for each other and Spinner. And having to divide custody of Spinner would mean less time with Spinner for each of them, in which case nobody can win.

Jane wants advice from Holly over who to choose: SPINNER or that lame new guy. Of course Holly says Spinner, she is no fool. Jane the Former Man breaks it off with that new boy, who goes back to banging his sister. Holly Shit agrees to keep this all a secret from Spinner. Of course, Spinner knows anyway, what with his ability to read minds. He just doesn't care because that other guy is hardly competition and Spinner has his restaurant to think about.

Spinner Mason: He Keeps Canada Fed.

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING A MAN!

Mini Connor meets Bruise the Muse and his gang of miscreants behind the school. He thinks he is going to die, but Bruise just hits him with a water balloon full of pee. Somehow this makes Mini Connor really popular the next day. Degrassi is an odd school.

T2 has the best nuke scene of any movie ever. It was only Sarah Conner's dream, but it still has more detail than any other atomic explosion I have ever seen in a movie. Holy shit, her body totally gets burned off in a freaking fireball! One of the million reasons why T3 sucked was because Judgment Day was, like, a three minute fart at the end of an already lame movie. Hey look, instead of seeing civilization destroyed by watching New York or London getting nuked, we get nuclear bombs exploding outside a corn field. Sucks. Judgment Day should have gone down by the first half hour and then the rest of the movie should have been the T-800 trying to keep John alive as Skynet was taking over the planet.

Sarah Connor knows that Skynet Wanna Be Startin' Something.

Rating (Terminator II): A+
This is the best action movie EVER!

Does It Go There? My God, Yes!
I think the main reason Terminator 3 and 4 sucked was the lack of Sarah Connor. I mean, the whole point of the first two movies is basically that we have a mother bear with a lot of guns fighting robots. Kickass. And then in T3 we discover that she died of leukemia? Fuck that. Leukemia can't kill Sarah Conner. She outlived three fucking killer robots and a concentration camp survivor from the future. Leukemia can't stop her. Sarah Connor would have taken one look at her leukemia and then shot it with an M-16.

Rating (Wanna Be Startin' Something): Z-
I never read the Babysitters Club books as a child. I read a lot as a kid, but I wish I had spent more of that time reading good stuff like Hemingway and not crap like the Goosebumps series and those damn Star Wars novels. I also wish I would have kissed a girl. :(

The B plot was a rip off of the classic JT vs Spinner feud of yore. At least that one gave us sexy Spinner's boxer shorts. Oh God Spinner's boxers...ohhhhh...This just people getting pee on themselves.

Does It Go There? No! No! No! NO!
I figured Degrassi would sink lower in season 9 than it did in season 8. I just never thought it would it get to the point where there would be an episode about two guys throwing pee on each other. You really managed to surprise me there, Degrassi. Touche. Touche.

More Awesome Spinner Jane Quotes:
"What? Spinach omelet in my teeth?" SPINach. Obviously Jane was speaking in code to deal with The-N's poopy censors. She was worried about showing residue in her mouth from giving Spinner his blowjob. Ask me, she should present it to everyone as a source of pride.
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