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"Beat It" part 1

Season 9 Episodes 7 & 8
Canadian airdate: November 1st, 2009

Boycott the Caf name: "The two parter that sucks ass"
Important characters: None
Issue of the Week: Degrassi sucks ass

Riley likes to go swimming so he has joined life guard class. It is only because he likes swimming and needs money. It has nothing to do with all the hot man lifeguards.

Riley watches the boss lifeguard demonstrate CPR on the dummy and gets a boner. Like for real dude. I was going to do one of those jokes where we saw something crazy that didn't actually happen but we pretend it did about him getting a boner but then he really did get one. I now have no joke, touché Degrassi writers.

At school Riley and some other people whose identities I'm sure I'll figure out here soon are talking about how cool of a job lifeguarding would be . A person mentions Riley's recent bonerscapade and Riley claims he was thinking about Fiona, not hot half naked lifeguards putting their firm lips all over a plastic dummy AAAAHHH its happening again! Boner begone! I curse thee back to Hades!

Anya has women's self defense class on Mondays. She needs this in case Sav ever tries to have sex with her. Sav is upset that she won't skip her class to see Studz's first ever unplugged set at The Dot. Oh man, those Studz are such a cool band they are even able to get gigs at diners operated by their drummer. I swear, if Spinner wasn't in the band they would be lynched.

I guess Anya and the Asian girl who is dating Webster are friends again since they talk about how sick they are of having to go to Studz concerts. I can't remember the Asian girl's name. I did a Google search for “Degrassi Asian girl” and Boycott the Caf was the first two sites. Awesome.

In gym class Riley asks Peter how you get a girl to sleep with you. Peter's advice of taping the girl when she is naked and using it as blackmail is a little to complicated for Riley to follow through with. He needs to have sex with Fiona because that is the only way he can stop being gay. They then start wrestling and Riley gets a big gay boner, which he sticks in Peter's butt.

Then later that day Riley proves how not gay he is by leading his fellow lifeguard trainees in a discussion on who the hottest girl in the class. They decide its Chante Black because she is old enough to buy them beer. Riley then finds out lifeguard boss is gay. I think I see where this is going (gay lifeguard sex in the pool)

Elsewhere that new black kid makes the winning shot in a basketball game.

And now we're in the woods where women are sword fighting. What the fuck is up with this episode? Like, how about we choose a god damn plot and stick with it. I am very confused about why this suddenly became Willow right now.

Anya is live action role playing (LARP) with the art teacher and some other geeky people. I am pretty well versed with geeky things but I never knew people LARPed with swords and cards that say they have lightening spells. I thought it was just a bunch of vampires in a dark basement talking about how they like to be vampires. I guess if running around with a toy sword and pretending to be a medieval warrior is LARPing, then I was one hell of a LARPer in elementary school.

Dave, the new black guy, wants to go out with Jenna. And that's the end of that scene. This C-plot has less meat to it than my grandma's pork pie (the pork is actually sawdust. It's a recipe she picked up during World War II).

Riley tries to get Fiona all hot and bothered by showing her his trophies, including his kissing trophy. I didn‘t even know they made those. Maybe that one guy from the ravine gave it to him. Riley kisses Fiona and she could not be less interested. I'm going to call it here, lesbian. Fiona tells Riley that the only reason she is dating him is because she thinks he is gay. Riley proves how gay he isn't by making the pretty girl leave so he can cry.

Riley tells the other guys at lifeguard class that he didn't get anywhere with Fiona because she is an ice queen. I bet he wishes she was an ice cream queen, then she would have a never ending supply of ice cream. Lifeguard boss challenges Riley to a friendly game of skeet ball but Riley doesn't accept the invitation. He would rather play naked robber.

Dave sort of asks Jenna out, but in a really awkward way.

Asian girl continues to whine about how much going to Studz concerts sucks. The music is horrible and seeing Spinner drum only reminds her that she isn't dating a real man. She again asks Anya if she can go to self defense class. Asian girl makes some comment about how Studz members are jackasses which makes Anya come up with an idea to help her LARP group at next week's big battle. This prompts her to invite Asian girl to come along. I'm guessing the solution requires a ninja.

Now Riley is now asking Peter how to break up with a girl. Peter suggests sending nude videos of her to everybody in the school. If that doesn't work then send romantic letters to somebody in Kenya.

Fiona walks by, Riley asks her to the fair but Fiona won't give him the time of day since he went nuts and almost raped her last night. Seems like that would be the end of his problems with figuring out how to break up with her.

For some reason there is a huge carnival in the Degrassi parking lot. You would think this would be a waste of school funds but whatever. This isn't even the strangest thing in this episode so I suppose I should let it go.

Dave and Jenna eat some poutine and use the same fork. Dave takes this as a sign that their relationship is off on the right foot. Truth is Jenna is too dumb to understand how germs work.

Boss lifeguard tries hitting on Riley but Riley goes for Chante Black instead. He wants people to think he is into the ladies. He wins her a bear, but in order to win a bear that big at a carnival he must have spent at least a hundred dollars. That's what I hate about carnivals, they have that scam where you see a huge awesome prize only to find out you need to win three small prizes to upgrade to a medium, then three medium to upgrade to a large then three large to finally win the big prize. it's a bunch of bullshit. Just give us the good prize. The games are nearly impossible to win at anyways so you‘ll still make money you greedy carnies.

Riley tries to stuff his tongue down Chante's throat but she freaks out. She knows that Riley is below the age of consent and she doesn't need that on her record. She yells at Riley in front of everybody. Riley is so mad he throws a tennis ball at the dunk tank boss lifeguard is sitting in. Seeing lifeguard boss all wet gives Riley a boner.

 

Somewhere else Anya tells Asian girl that LARPing is like video games but real. It's more like D&D but with running around but who am I to criticize her dumb explanation?

One of the LARPers is a midget. I bet he's roleplaying as a dwarf.

Anya's solution is to marry the leader of the opposing army so that she can become empress. I don't know what this has to do with Asian girl.

Back at the carnival KC wins Claire a stuffed cat from a camel game. Dave tries to buy a prize for Jenna but the carnie knows a con when she sees it. That money might look real but its from Monopoly: Canada. Dave then refers to Jenna as his girlfriend, which even if she knew they were on a date, would be pretty presumptuous of him. They've only been going out for a couple of hours.

As he is leaving Riley runs into lifeguard boss. Lifeguard boss says dating in high school is rough and says Riley is like he was in high school. Riley thinks he is like lifeguard boss because he is gay, which he is, but he punches lifeguard boss anyways. I tries to get a picture of the punch but it kept coming out blurry, so here is a picture of lifeguard boss (who I just figured out is named Sam) not reacting at all. Punching him has given Riley a boner.

I also have a boner. A boner for Beat It part II

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