The Web BtC
Previous Episode Next Episode

"Beat It" part 2

Word around the school is that Riley punched Sam. Everybody know it, Johnny, Bruce, everybody. Fiona asks Riley is its better to be known as a gay basher then as a gay. Riley would rather be known as the basher.

Mrs. Hassafrass makes Riley meet Laurissa the leader of the school's Gay Lesbien Bi Transgender club. Word on the fourmtorium is that gays and lesbians are really bigoted against bisexuals. What a bunch of buffoons. They hate it when you discriminate against their sexuality but then they go and do the same things to bis, and by bis I of course mean the band. He gays, what do you have against John Disco?

It has been brought to Mrs. Hassafrass's attention that Riley punched a gay. Riley asks if any legal charges are being pressed against him, or if there is even evidence he did it. There isn't. Mrs. Hassafrass didn't consider the possibility that her complete lack of proof could be her undoing in this matter, so she sends him home and makes him write a 1,000 word paper on not punching gays. That really not bad. This review is more then that. He can bullshit the paper out in an hour and then spend the rest of the day watching Hercules: The Legendary Journeys

Anya is looking at porn with Asian girl and her teacher. No, just kidding, that would be interesting. They are looking at LARPing pictures. Sav finds out Anya and Asian girl are LARPers and makes fun of them. He thinks it is just for Sci-Fi nerds. What a tool, if he watched Home Movies he would know that Sci-Fi fans and renaissance fans are mortal enemies.

What an idiotic boyfriend. He should pretend its cool thus increasing his chances of putting his penis in Anya's butt. Anya accidentally calls Studz stupid, which is true but makes Sav mad.

Sav stops talking to Anya so she is thinking about not LARPing anymore. Asian girl has only been to one meeting but she keeps talking about it in front of other people which is probably embarrassing Anya. Anya then decides she can't quit when she gets a text saying that the other clan has agreed to her marriage proposal.

People think Dave and Jenna are a couple even though Jenna doesn't like Dave that way. I think the solution is that Jenna is going to have to have sex with Riley. It would be a good way to combine the two stories.

Riley shows up at lifeguard class only to find out Sam has had him removed from the course. Sam isn't going to get Riley in trouble but he doesn't think a person who runs around punching everybody who implies he is gay will make it as a lifeguard. Wearing tiny speedos ends up with a lot of kids calling you gay and the YMCA can't afford all those lawsuits. Riley reacts by looking like he is about to turn into the Incredible Hulk.

In gym class they are wrestling again. Riley isn't wrestling as much as hugging Peter. Riley tells Peter he is going to Jesus Camp so that he won't be gay anymore. He then pins Peter and gets a huge boner.

Dave asks Jenna to the movies and she says yes. I guess they are dating now.

Riley goes to see a man who will make him straight. A skinny effeminate man who chose to not be gay. Now he is very happy with a fat wife he rarely has sex with and several cats.

Excited about the treatment Riley tells Fiona he is going to be cured. Fiona is doubtful but Riley says its legit, pointing out the guy has a website and an office. Somehow this doesn't convince her. Maybe it's the fact that anybody can have a website and an office. When I worked for a state park I had a website, office, and access to all the free maps I wanted to steal. Riley yells "Too bad you can't cure bitch" which is pretty much the most awesome thing he could have said to her at that moment.

Riley returns to Gerry the anti gay dude's office saying he needs immediate curing. Gerry says becoming straight requires years of therapy and even Canada's socialist (More like communist right fellow Republicans?) healthcare system won't pay for it, because liberal socialists want everybody to be gay. All together it costs 2,000 dollars to not be gay. That's too much for Riley, he would rather be taking it from Marco then put down two grand. He goes off to figure out how to be straight on his own. First step, hang out with the least desirable man ever, Peter.

Sav has been looking at pictures of Anya pretending to be a princess. He says she looks cute but doesn't understand why she does it. Anya says its because people think she's important when she plays make believe. Sav says she is important to him, but come on Sav, who cares about what you think. You're less important then the dudes in the woods wearing tights. Sav for whatever reason is really opposed to his girlfriend having a hobby. He seems to think there is no way she can still be his if she does something without him once a week.

Jenna tells Dave that just because she was nice to him it doesn't mean she wants to date him. She agrees to pretend Dave broke up with her so that Dave's reputation will remain in tact. Fuck this storyline it is stupid.

Riley thinks he and Peter should hit on some lovely ladies at the pool hall. Riley needs to get his Kinsey scale back on the straight side and Peter hasn't had a girl since Mia left Degrassi to become a vampire. Peter is a hit with all the ladies while Riley simply can't get the time of day. This may seem strange to us, but that's only because we know Peter on a deeper level. Peter is an idiot whiney dipshit but for the first ten minutes he can be pretty charming. The only girl that will even talk to Riley is stolen away by some black guy. He just walks up and grabs her. Call the police that is a kidnapping!

Anya and the art teacher are making Anya's fake wedding dress after school. Sav comes by to apologize. He then gets upset when he finds out Anya is getting married. Sav doesn't realize this isn't real. Then he asks Anya to come watch his band practice because Sav is the biggest moron ever. Its like he doesn't even remember what was said three seconds ago.

Unable to impress the girls sober Riley drowns his sorrows with some peppermint schnapps he has in a Gatorade bottle. He goes to the bathroom where Sam happens to be peeing. Riley makes a snide comment so Sam pushes him while he pees. Riley surely got urine on his pants. They scuffle around awhile, remember Riley never zipped up, so his wiener must be flopping around. Sam throws Riley up against a wall and is about to go all prison style on him when Riley starts crying and says he deserves it.

Riley admits he is a self hating homo. Sam says he knows what its like to be a teenage gay, but its up to him if he embraces it or not. Then they give each other blowjobs.

Sav shows his support for Anya's second life by showing up as a ministral at her fake wedding. Good thing he knows how to play a mandolin. He might have a girlfriend but he looks 100% gayer then Riley ever will.

The episode ends with Riley telling Peter that he's gay. Peter is like "No shit." Riley is also taking anger management. Now the next time something accusing him of being gay he won't get angry and try to beat it.

Rating: Z

Does It Go There? No

Is there enough content for this to be two episodes?
Hell no. Take out the C plot and it could easily be trimmed to one episode. Trim out everything that is retarded and I could have watched this during the opening credits of The Simpsons.

What is happening to Peter's ex girlfriends?
Mia and Darcy immediately disappeared after dating. Emma stuck around for longer but she is no longer present either. Coincidence?

And while we're all here:
I have a message for those who make Degrassi. I know you usually just hit random on your best of the 80s play list and name the episode whatever comes up, but I just wanted to remind you that The Traveling Wilburies came out in the 80s. How about naming a song Tweeter and the Monkey Man? Just a suggestion, think about it.

Previous Episode Next Episode