The Web BtC
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"Waiting For A Girl Like You"

Season 9 Episode 9
Canadian airdate: November 8th, 2009

Boycott the Caf name: none
Important characters: Holly J, Declan, Webster, Chante
Issue of the Week: Dating

This is how far the show has fallen. Remember in the good old days when the kids hanging around the picnic table would be Paige, Spinner, Hazel and Jimmy, or at the very least Sean, Emma, Manny, JT and Toby? Now we have Chante, Webster, Salve from the future when he's 35, and two girls. Weak.

It's Matchmaker Week at Degrassi. Everyone is filling out forms to determine who they are most compatible with, even the people who are currently in relationships. No one is happy at Degrassi.

Least of all me.

Declan is smitten for Holly J because she is large and in charge. Well, she's in charge at least--to a small extent. The class president doesn't really have that much power. But Holly J appears to be consolidating her authority due to the power vacuum created by the school not currently having a principal.

Declan decorates her locker and presents her with backstage passes to The Tessas concert. I don't know if the Tessas are a real band. I am in my mid twenties and no longer pay attention to the hip music. I stick with old classics like The White Stripes and Sleater-Kinney.

Holly tells Declan to look elsewhere for a girl. "You like low maintenance," she says, "date a Honda."

Degrassi is brought to you by Honda.

In the bathroom, Chante and the Asian Girl talk about Webster. Asian girl is dating Webster. I think this may have been brought up in a previous episode. Maybe that Asian Girl is Kendra II: The Revenge. Kendra II is worried that Webster has lost interest in her. How messed up is Kendra if she is worried that Webster could lose interest in her? How messed up is she to get involved with Webster to begin with? I mean, what does she find attractive about him? The smell? The fact that he looks like a hobo who rapes kids in the park?

Chante convinces Kendra II to break up with Webster so he will regain interest in her and come crawling back, a trail of slime created as he moves.

The next day, Kendra II has broken up with Webster and tells Chante.

Ms. Kwan jumps into class and frantically asks, "Who can tell me the rhyme scheme of a Spenserian love sonnet?" Kwan really needs to know this and quick! I will leave the reason up to the imagination of my dumb readers.

In spirit of Matchmaker Week, Simpson is forcing the Media Immersion kids outside for a round of binary elimination. He tells them to form a line. "Step forward if you are male," commands Simpson. "Another if you are 17 or older. Once again if you have a sibling who is younger than you " Simpson is looking for his own match. He picks Salve, who is not happy about that. Simpson couldn't ask the girls to step forward because he has never been able to tell a woman to do anything.

Declan goes next. He calls out females, tells them to step forward again if they love mushroom pizza, have won a public speaking competition, fear spiders, know all the words to "Mamma Mia". Man, until that last part, I was totally going to be picked. Holly J is chosen, which was Declan's plan all along. Simpson is pleased to know they will have sex.

Declan and Holly J have a fancy lunch in the caf. Declan tells her about meeting the Dalai Lama when he was 8. This gets Holly J totally wet. Trudy, a girl Declan is currently going out with, spoils the mood by existing. She asks Holly J if Declan had used the Dalai Lama story on her. I like that this boy's pick up line is about meeting the Dalai Llama.

Holly J leaves and Declan goes after her but he spills spaghetti sauce on his pants and the whole caf erupts in shock and laughter. The kids in the caf are distracted easily.

Declan tries to get Holly J to go out with him, but Holly ignores him and the class they are in.

A girl does a back flip in the gym. This is the most interesting thing to happened all season.

Turns out Chante wanted Kendra II to break up with Webster so she could make a move on Webster. Yes, that information makes my soul hurt too. Here is a picture of that shrimpy black kid to keep your mind of it.

Declan needs to win Holly J back. He does this by locking her in the school recording studio. Somehow Declan thinks this is a good idea.

Degrassi has a recoding studio?

Holly J demands to be released. "I will let you out," says Declan. "But first, dance for me! Dance for me!"

Holly J has had it with Declan, but then she gets her Matchmaker results back and it says she is a match for Declan, so she has to be with him, I guess. About two dozen other girls also get Declan, so they'll all have to share him. Looks like lonely times for the boys swim team. I think something is fishy about the Matchmaker results. It reminds me of Matchmaker Week 2004 when the computerized results told every girl with D cup breasts that they should be with Toby.

For some reason, locking Holly J in a soundproof room did not make her like Declan. Plan B is to take on her a helicopter, presumably to drop her on an uninhabited island. Anya says that will not be a good idea and he should go for a small gesture to woo her. Anya then demands Salve do the same. Anya is not happy with Salve.

Holly J is supervising hordes of children while their parents are out for Valentine's Day dinner and then back home to have sex. Clare is helping out because she doesn't have a boyfriend. Declan pops in and plays with the little brats, which makes Holly J fall in love with him. Holly J is ovulating right now so she is attracted to any man who looks like he will make a good father.

Declan takes Holly J out for dinner, meaning the children are not being watched. They go to a pizza place run by Mexican immigrants and eat mushroom pizza. Finally, we have proof that Holly J eats. Looks like I owe Johnny five bucks.

Holly J knows that Declan has always been waiting for a girl like you.

Rating: Z

Does It Go There? No
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