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"Innocent When You Dream"

Season 9 Episode 17
American airdate: May 7th, 2010

Boycott the Caf name: "Clare Writes Stupid Vampire Fan Fiction"
Important characters: Clare, Declan, Sav, Anya
Issue of the Week: Lust

Degrassi has returned after a four moth hiatus--or as I called that time period, four months of pure heaven. I don't know how you guys filled the time between 2009's episodes and these, but it was just enough time to watch all of RuPaul's Drag Race 2. That show is so campy and gay, but it a way that makes it so much better than Degrassi's camp and gayness. I wrote an article comparing Degrassi and RPDR which got noticed by the Drag Race twitter account. That meant more to be than all of the attention I have received from the Degrassi cast and crew.

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It's nightfall. Declan and Clare are walking through a swamp, having just murdered Peter and chopped up his body and thrown it in the swamp so it will never be found. Oh, wait, that's my fantasy. This is Clare's fantasy, so her eyes just glow green and Declan kisses her.

Then Clare wakes up. She was having a wet dream about being a vampire. This comes from reading Fortnight, which are the Canadian version of the Twilight books. Clare opens her book and continues reading in order to get more blood pumping to her vulva.

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Clare talks about this with Alli before school. Alli is also a fan of Fortnight all of a sudden. I'm sure they will mention these books in future episodes as well!

The girls admire Declan, for he reminds them of Edmund, a Fortnight character. Please note to the many non-Twilight fans who read this website: The main boy in the Twilight series is named Edward. Clare warns Alli that the books are giving her impure thoughts. Leave it to Clare to be someone who thinks young adult vampire novels count as porn. God help her if she ever discovers that there is more to the internet than Beliefnet and Hotmail.

The rehearsal for the school play is going on. Chante is late because she is [fill in your own black girl stereotype], so Declan asks Clare to fill in and read Ms. Black's lines. She reads with Peter and they both demonstrate bad high school play level of acting. If they wanted to portray bad acting, they could have just read their lines like they do for a Degrassi script. Ha!

Peter doesn't know how to kiss her right, so Declan has to step in. Declan is more of a pretty boy than Peter could ever hope to be and needs to show this boy how to be a man. Declan pretend kisses Clare and she stumbles, her knees weak from her tingling hoo-hah. If Declan gave her a real kiss, she would have literally exploded right there in front of him. Declan would be picking chunks of Clare's body of him while proclaiming himself the ultimate man.

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Media Immersion class is about to begin. Mr. Simpson is really looking forward to partying after school with Conner and his friend, the new boy with the Jewfro. Mr. Simpson has somehow gotten lamer.

Alli catches Clare writing Fortnight fan fiction and encourages her to post it online. You can see a portion of her story in the screencap. You can actually see most of her story in that screencap. Clare selects the username 'Madam Degrassi' and the name of her boy character is Declan. Alli tells her not to worry about Declan finding out because boys don't read fan fiction. I don't think anyone reads fan fiction.

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The next day, the two girls see that Holly J printed out Clare's story and is reading it aloud during play rehearsal. Holly J wonders who Madam Degrassi is. Clare's story has been getting rave reviews and is ranked as four stars by the 12-year-olds who read vampire fan fiction. Keep in mind, her story is only one paragraph long. And who the hell prints them out? Declan had to listen to Holly J read it to him last night in order for her to get horny. Yeah, it's crappy vampire romance, but he got to touch her boobs--so awesome!

Clare is inspired by the fact that Declan can tolerate her writing, so she writes more fan fiction. She also steals his sweater. This I cannot believe. I mean, who would ever need a sweater at Degrassi? It's only snowed twice in the past ten years.

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The party at the Simpson house is underway. It is held in the basement AKA Emma's former room. Oh, if only these kids knew the history of this basement. Do they know how many kids have snuck through the window to go to parties, hid from the police in this room, or made babies? This basement is like the Rome of Degrassi; it has a great deal of history and a glory that the modern day occupants will never be able to match.

Alli is in charge of the party games. She wants to do activities such as Spin the Bottle and Seven Minutes in Heaven. I'm sure in real life someone like Alli would totally be up for playing Seven Minutes in Heaven with the boys here. Yeah. Two bad there are only two good looking guys in this school anymore. One of them is too cool for this party and bones his sister, and the other one is a homo.

Alli pulls two names out of a hat, Clare and Jewfro. When she pulled out Clare's name, the paper was pink, so I expected the boy's name to be written on blue paper, but both were pink. I wonder how Clare was able to make sure she picked a boy and a girl. I would like to think that everyone came to this party expecting gender blind make-out games, and any of the boys would have been cool with making out with another boy. Though unless Riley is involved it won't be the least bit hot. Who wants to see Big Connor and Mini Connor make out? No one, that's who. We want to see Riley make Peter his woman. It's what the audience demands. Producers, listen up.

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Clare and the boy step into the closet. Jewfro notices her abstinence ring. Clare explains how she has pledged to abstain from sex. You know how else you can tell Clare has pledged abstinence? You can tell by how she is dressed every day.

They awkwardly touch one another. Clare is taken into her vampire fantasy world. She imagines that Jewfro is Declan and she is a vampire and that a boy would like her. Clare the vampire bites into Declan's neck. Which means that real world Clare bites Jewfro's neck! The show wants to make a big deal out of that, but I won't because it's stupid. Clare is so embarrassed that she leaves the closet after only a couple minutes of heaven.

The boy still liked it. He runs into Clare at the Dot and is totally up for more biting. If he was good looking and wasn't friends with Connor, he might be considered a catch. Clare vows to give up Fortnight.

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Clare falls asleep at play rehersal. She dreams that Declan has broken up with Holly J and now wants to be vampires with her. Clare can only get boys in her dreams.

Declan wakes her up. I guess everyone else involved in the play was fine with leaving her. Clare is still in her dream daze so kisses Declan on the neck.

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Clare is worried that Holly J will kick her ass, but Holly J tells the young lady that her urges are perfectly normal (vampire fantasies are normal?) and she should continue writing. I can imagine that when Declan told Holly J what happened, she was jealous at first, for a brief moment, but then remembered that it's Clare. Holly J knows Clare is no competition. Declan basically considered the kiss the equivalent of when your dog licks you when you come home. You know they laughed about it.

So Clare's sexual fantasy involves biting boys on the neck. This is what happens when you raise kids in fundamentalist churches that tell them their sex drives are a sin. They develop all sorts of weird fetishes. Mine involve pottery.

B Plot:

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Sav wants to shoot a music video for their band, which is called Studs or Spuds or Jamie and the Spuds or who the fuck cares. The video is set to a prison theme because that's where Peter would be in a just world. First, Sav films the band playing their boring song. Then he wants to film a chase sequence with Spinner dressed as a cop and the rest of them in prison jumpsuits.

Spinner exclaims, "I always wanted to be a cop." He says that in the lamest way possible. Spinner is such a loser now. The dude is at the age where it's really pathetic to being hanging out with teenagers as much as he does. Like, all his friends are under 18 now. Spinner is going to be one of those people who never did anything after high school and is a total loser by the time he's 25. "Yeah," he'll say to the 16-year-olds that are hanging in the parking lot with this guy who is ten years older than them, "I was going to go to police school. Never did though. I sold some t-shirts with a buddy instead. You kids wanna get some beers?...OK, cool, I just need some money and we can get beers." Kids in high school will think he is cool because he's older, but, once they've graduated, will realize that it's not right that he's still hitting on 15-year-old girls. I hear that Jane will not appear in the next season, so Spinner is going to be looking for a new girlfriend. I bet he'll pursue Alli and then be arrested. Goddamit, Spinner, what the hell has happened to you?

Spinner wants to keep the police uniform, even though Sav swiped it from the school's wardrobe storage. He will arrest some girls for being too sexy! What I mean by that is Spinner will become a stripper. Hopefully, solely for women, but don't bet on that with the way this dingus's life is headed.

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Sav asks Anya to meet him outside the Dot. Somehow the video was a way to win Anya back after Sav broke up with her in the prom episode due to Sav being a hypocrite. Anya admits she was playing hard to get so Sav would come crawling back to him, and it worked. Sav can't believe that Anya would do something so typical for a person who still had feelings for the person she broke up with. But then again, Sav is under the mistaken assumption he is as super stud who any woman should submit to. Sav re-breaks up with her again. "Why did you call me here?" Anya asks. Yeah, I was confused about that too.

Thanks to the video, Sav has been hired by some girls to film their cats. He thinks he is going to rebound with them, but come on bro. You're making a cat video, and they see you walking around in green pants and pastel shirt with big pink stripes. Yeah, dude, um, they think you're gay.

Anya is so much better off without Sav. Anya is a 10. Sav is pushy and wears green pants. Are the wardrobe people recycling Marco's old outfits for him?

Rating: Ass

I can't fucking believe the God damn mother fucking shit this fucknut show expects us to take up the ass.

Does It Go There?

It can go to Hell.

Final Thoughts:

Oh for fuck's sake. Degrassi is parodying Twilight. I saw part of one of those movie and couldn't even watch it through to the end. The acting and writing were so horrible! I mean, worse than Degrassi even! I never thought I would see a stupider piece of work aimed at teens than Degrassi. Then I saw Twilight.

I don't know if I have a right to criticize Twilight though. I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer when I was a teen. It was my favorite TV show in middle school. I fell for it the same way I did with The Simpsons, Pete & Pete and now Glee. To me Buffy was something that so different and amazing about it compared to anything else on TV at the time that it made me feel wow watching it. And to answer your question, no Degrassi never made me feel that way. Degrassi was more, like, let's get some friends together for a viewing party and make fun of how silly it is. I don't have any friends anymore. Hence, this website.

Anyway, about ten years went by since then when I sat down to watch some episodes on cable. And ugh...the show really wasn't what I remember. It's not bad, mind you, I will still watch it from time to time, it's just...maybe it's because my brain was still wasn't fully formed back then, because I couldn't see myself falling for that show if it debuted this year. Johnny once described Firefly as a show "by the guy who made Buffy the Vampire Slayer, except it doesn't suck." I really did not feel like disagreeing with him. So when my little cousin obsesses over Twilight while she is around the same age I was when I obsessed over Buffy, I guess I find it cute more than anything else.

I asked her opinion about Degrassi one night since she does not watch the show.

Me: What do you think of Degrassi?

My cousin: It's stupid.

Me: Why do think it's stupid?

My cousin: The drama and stuff is stupid.

No one can argue with that.

My main problem with Twilight is that I find it hard to believe that this Bella girl would be sought after by both a vampire and a werewolf. That's just...come on. I could see if just the vampire boy liked her or just the werewolf boy. But not both. That's ridiculous. Vampires and werewolves liked two different types of women. Vampires want a pale, brooding woman who likes to write bad poetry and watch Tim Burton movies. A werewolf wants a girl who likes to play fetch. Vampires are interested in how a girl looks; does she have dark hair and wear Hot Topic clothing? A werewolf wants a girl who smells nice. I ranted about this to my cousin. She laughed and said she doesn't understand why a vampire would sparkle. She also wouldn't understand why someone nearly twice her age would have such a large website devoted to a high school soap opera, which is why I never show her my great shame.

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