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Stacey's NYC 101

Stacey's NYC 101Stacey Farber, the girl who plays Ellie, is a bit of an attention whore. So it was pretty easy for The-N to get her to star in a few five minute videos about her new life in New York City. I think these were only shown online, or maybe they were aired during commercial breaks. Who cares about the details, let's just make with the mockery.

Get Together

Stacey has just moved to New York City. She thought she could finally get away from those other fuckers in the cast, but the big Degrassi party we were not invited to is coming up and it happens to be in New York. Stacey needs to buy a new dress, because as a girl, she has to buy a new dress for every social event and only wear it once. That is why girls are stupid and won't ever go out with me. Stacey tells us that if you want to get a great party dress in New York then you have to go to SoHo. That's good to know. Stacey is happy that she will be wearing a cool New York dress to the party while the other girls will be wearing crappy Canadian dresses. Lauren Collins (Paige) comes by and they go get a pedicure. I think that is all the two of them do together. They don't have as deep a friendship as they would like us to think. That's like the guy who I was only friends with because we both liked going to the same fast food place, or the guy I only hung out with because we liked to steal people's mail.

Stacey then gets ready for the party. The camera crew were filming her getting dressed but were don't get to see any of that good stuff. Assholes. Stacey arrives to the party in a limo. As she walks in, she has to pass by a few dozen screaming fans who stood outside for eleven hours just so they could stand outside and scream at Degrassi cast members. I don't think any of them have tickets to get inside. And you Degrassi fans wonder why I hate you so.

Get TogetherStacey wants to show the rest of the cast a "true New York experience" but she only takes Lauren and Adam Ruggiero (Marco) with her. They are the only members of the cast she likes. They go to a resaraunt run by drag queens and Stacey says you can only find this in New York. I'm sure you can find drag restaraunt elsewhere, probably in Las Vegas, for instance. Hell, in San Francisco, the drag queens control their own district and have certain autonomy to set their own laws, much like an Indian reservation. Adam asks for an employment application.

Rating: F
Does It Go There? No

I bet the food at the drag queen restaraunt isn't all that good. Most food at theme restaraunts aren't, unless you go to a hip 50's style restaraunt. But then you have to pay ten dollars for fries and at least forty for anything with meat in it. It's hard to keep costs down when you have to hire waiters who resemble Buddy Holly and Debra Paget as well as host dance contests every night.

Crazy For You

Crazy For YouStacey's boyfriend, Donnie Douche, is coming to visit and Stacey wants to make a fancy dinner for him. For help, she heads to SoHo. I think SoHo is the only part of the city she has been to. Stacey makes a steak with the help of a restaurant chef. The chef wipes the steak with a sponge. I don't know if that is sanitary, but maybe the chef didn't know this is on camera.

Donnie Douche enjoys the dinner and then they go to a Broadway show. It's some kind of fucked up version of Sesame Street that appears to be adult themed and not very funny. Then they go on a helicopter ride.

Rating: F
Does It Go There? No It Does Not

I wish I could someday go on a date where we had that much to do. I also wish I could someday go on a date period.

Into the Groove

Stacey wants to learn about the New York music scene. Unfortunately, she makes the mistake of enlisting the help of a reporter for Rolling Stone, Jenny Eliscu. Jenny planned on showing Stacey Madison Square Garden and pointing out that Nickelback and Madonna played here. But then she figured that she had better show Stacey some more obscure places to pad out the day, so she went on Wikipedia to look up facts about places like CBGB and the Knitting Factory. Stacey is just happy to go to Greenwich Village because it is the first time she has set foot outside of SoHo.

Jenny happily reads her notes to Stacey. You can tell Jenny has no idea what she is talking about because she says that CBGB is the birthplace of punk rock. That's funny, I don't remember CBGB being located in Detroit, where, you know, punk rock originated. Now I hate punk rock, but do New York scensters have this collective tiny penis complex which causes them to claim that every genre of music originated in their city? Next, Jenny takes Stacey to the Apollo Theater where Motown began and Filmore East where Elvis and John Lennon were born.

Into the GrooveThey go inside CBGB and marvel at what a disgusting dump the bathroom is. It's not that bad when you consider that there is no such thing as a bathroom at a concert venue that is not dangerous to breathe in. Stacey and Jenny just aren't used to how bad a men's room can be. They are shocked that there is no couch and cable TV set up.

Jenny hooks Ellie up with backstage passes to KT Tunstall, Ellie's new favorite female artist. I don't know if that is her favorite artist and just so happens to be female, or Ellie holds female artists in less regard than male musicians. At any rate, KT Tunstall's genre appears to be African beats.

Rating: F
Does It Go There? Absolutely Not

I hate Rolling Stone magazine.

I Love New York

I Love New YorkIt's been three months in New York for Stacey. Stacey talks about her "adventures" to her roommate, Tazia. I think that is how you spell it. I don't know what kind of name that is. Tazia is either a member of Russian royalty or a stripper. And since the communists killed all of the Russian royals, that only leaves the later option. Stacey doesn't like her roommate, she is only having a conversation with her as a set up to show clips of other New York things Stacey has done, such as making a pizza, trying on shoes from a crazy woman, walking dogs, and getting yelled at by cab drivers.

She also visited that Naked Cowboy guy who is a staple of any quick cable TV guide to New York City. What is the deal with this guy? He's not really naked. Also, we clearly see that his whole act is just to get young women to touch his ass. I wonder what he does during the winter.

Rating: F
Does It Go There? Most Certainly No. You Ask Such Foolish Questions

I wish I had a cable channel that would chronicle my time in a major city. The problem is, the largest city I go to with any frequency is Green Bay, Wisconsin. And no one should be subjected to watching someone prance through Green Bay. No one should have to watch Stacey in New York City either, but The-N doesn't have its viewer's health in mind.