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Degrassi Unscripted - Season 2

Miriam | Adam | Cassie | Jake | Lauren || Stacy | Aubrey | Melissa

201 - Stacey Farber (Ellie)
American airdate: June 3rd, 2005

Stacey meets us coming home from school wearing her schoolgirl uniform. I want to know what is going on with girl's fashion these days vis-a-vis wearing ties. If girls are allowed to wear ties now, then I reserve the right to wear a bra.

Man, I should stop typing the first thing that comes out of my head.

Stacey lives in a nice house that is decorated with her paintings. That's a nice low budget way to decorate a house. If my family decorated our house with my childhood art, it would be covered with poorly colored in marker drawings of cartoon characters fighting aboard pirate ships.

Stacey mentions that she likes many different types of music. Her collection includes Beyonce, Hillary Duff, Britney Spears, John Mayer, and Usher. Um...that's not really varied. If your CD collection is mostly acts that appear on MTV, that is not what can be called a diverse collection. She also has the Beatles, but that doesn't count. Everyone has a Beatles album these days. Liking the Beatles and saying you are a music fan is like saying you are really into literature because you have a Harry Potter book.

We meet Stacey's parents. The mom is cooking stir fry and fresh vegetables and says, "I think vegetables are really healthy for everybody." No, you don't think vegetables are healthy, ma. That's not your personal opinion you are giving for good advice, it's a well known fact. Myself, I think the Moon orbits the Earth and it's important that everyone breathes oxygen. Stacey's dad seems proud of his daughter but not all that thrilled to have to watch Degrassi every week.

Fun fact: Stacey and Jake Epstein went to the same middle school and were elected valedictorian. I didn't know that you can be elected valediction, I assumed it went to the person with the best grades. Maybe Stacey and Jake didn't go to a school that gave out grades. Maybe they went to the special kid's school that was the one room behind the community center.

Stacey then takes us on a tour of Degrassi Studios and shows us the holding pen for the extras. I knew they just kept the extras locked up in one area without access to bathrooms.

We catch up with Miriam McDonald who has sad news, the jeans she showed off on her Unscripted are ripped. Who cares, those weren't her sexy dolphin jeans. Maybe the dolphin pants did it. It was jealous so it came in late at night and cut new jeans up. That is entirely plausible.

For some reason, Stacey attends fashion week in New York with the editor of some girl magazine you see on the checkout racks of grocery stores. First off, why is Stacey there? And secondly, why would those type of magazines need an editor? Do they need someone to decide how to arrange the forty lipstick ads and choose the how-to-turn-a-man-on tip for the month? Hint: touch his penis!

In this screencap, we can see Stacey being interviewed by 60 Minutes.

The episode ends with Stacey receiving a pedicure with Lauren Collins. Lauren and her are good friends and they may be moving into an apartment together next year. It is 2007 when I wrote this, which means they should be living together by now. The-N should turn that into a reality show. I image Lauren and Stacey have plenty of naked pillow fights. Then they probably hold each other close on the couch while watching TV, maybe The L Word or something on Cinemax.

Alright, that's it for this episode. This installment gets a A because unlike Ellie, Stacey appears to be fun and interesting. She comes off as pretty funny, so she is way too cool for me. If I would ever meet her in person, she would probably say something witty and charming, and I would be standing there with my slack jawed mouth open unable to speak. Finally, I'd stutter and say, "I...I own every set from the old Lego Pirate series. You want to build a pirate ship out of Legos?" And she'd said yeah and we'd go hangout to play with Legos. But that would be a lie because I never owned Skulls Eye Schooner or Rocky Reef. I just used Legos to get into a girl's pants like I've done a thousand times before.

Rating: A
Intensity Level: 43% Intense

202 - Aubrey Graham (Jimmy)
American airdate: June 10th, 2005

Aubrey is pretty funny too, but not intentionally. He's funny like the guy who sits outside your grocery store every day for the last 30 years. You have no idea who this guy is or if he has ever had a job, but one day your mom sends you to get milk and you figure, "What the hell, I'll strike up a conversation with this dude." You do and he is more than happy to talk to someone who isn't a cop telling him to move along. The conversation goes ok at first. You talk about things going on around town, but then the dude stops talking in complete sentences and all you can make out is something about "CIA" "oil companies" and "tuna" and how much he hates Red Skelton. It's awkward and now you start trying to come up with an excuse to get away. And you can never go back to that grocery store again.

But from an outside point of view, that conversation is hilarious, and such is Aubrey's Unscripted. If you watch this episode and can't laugh at every single thing Aubrey says than you are not watching it right.

Jimmy drives a 2004 Acura. "It's a nice car for a teenager, I guess," he says, trying to sound humble. Yeah, it's a bit better than nice. That's a nicer car than my dad has ever owned. I don't want to sound bitter because I am poor, but I am bitter because I am poor.

Jimmy comes home and we meet his grandmother. Jimmy says he has this thing where his mom does not allow grandma to eat chocolate, so he slips her some on the side. That's not a good idea, his grandmother probably isn't allowed to have chocolate because she's a diabetic.

Check it out, Jimmy's grandma looks just like the grandma from Duckman.

Jimmy then says the living room is nice but too much for him. He has to get out of there.

In Jimmy's room there is much music stuff to be had. He shows us a ten page single spaced fan letter by someone who wrote that Jimmy is to fulfil a trifecta of the greatest African-American actors of all time alongside Sidney Poitier and Denzel Washington. Besides the fact that this fan has a shrine to Jimmy made out of mash potatoes, I wonder how many of you caught that you can't be an African-American if you are not an American. That is why there are very few African-Americans in Africa. Dave Chapelle was the only one for awhile.

Jimmy heads to work at Degrassi Studios. We find of all people, Kevin Smith sitting at a desk in a windowless room. I'm just going to assume that Kevin Smith drives up to Canada every week to sit down and give his input into each week's episode. It's not really wanted (Kevin coming back is what made the woman who plays Caitlin quit. He kept "accidentally" walking into the woman's restroom when she was there) but he offers to do this for free and even brings his own chair. Those cheap government funded seats buckle under his load.

Jimmy likes to go into the office area of the studio and fuck with people's offices by messing up their desks, poking them when they are on the phone, and stealing their change. The office people are constantly forced to chase him away with foam bats.

To get Jimmy to hell away for a few days, they send him to to Vancouver, Canada's Los Angeles/San Francisco/Seattle, along with Lauren, Stacey and whoever it is who plays Hazel. They do a mall tour in front of 30,000 screaming 13 year olds and then appear on some random lady's TV show. The Degrassi actors are Canada's only celebrities so they probably have to appear on every Canadian talk show at least five times a year.

The host appears to be the wife of the guy who hangs outside the grocery store all day. She gives Aubrey a piece of something that she says was on Mount Everest, but I doubt it is as no Canadian has ever been on Mount Everest. She must have gotten it from the guy who sits outside the drug store all day by trading it for a bottle of Boonsfarm.

Well that's it. I'm done with this one. You want anymore, you'll have to watch this one yourself. And I do recommend you watch it. But I am going to quit without saying any stupid crack about Aubrey's white family, like he must have been adopted by Madonna or no wonder his hair is only half as curly as most black people's.

Rating: D
Intensity Level: 1% Intense

203 - Melissa McIntyre (Ashley)
American airdate: June 17th, 2005

I found this episode informative because I learned how to pronounce Melissa's last name. It's Mac-in-tie-are. Like some macaroni is in a tire. I used to think it was Mick-in-tree. Like an Irish guy got stuck up in a tree.

Melissa has her own apartment and toy poodle. She looks like she may have been drinking. What am I talking about, she's a nineteen year old with her first apartment, she's doing way more than just drinking. This episode works really well if you imagine Melissa is a wee bit high. Like you'll notice how she is constantly giggling at shit that really isn't funny.*

*Like this website! Yeah, I beat you to the punch, Melissa's parents.

Melissa shows off her makeup. She says she's obsessed with makeup. Yes, you and 50% of the population. She talks about how when she was younger, she would take her mom's makeup and put on her mom's dress and shoes and run downstairs and say "Mommy look! Mommy look!" Hey, Adam Ruggerio did that too.

When Melissa talks about Degrassi, she mentions she had a crush on Joey Jeremiah. What? Why? I've heard of some pretty fucked up turn-on's during my time on the internet. I've heard of girls who get turned on drinking a man's piss and girls who like to have sex with border collies, but even that is normal compared to finding Joey attractive. You sick fuck, get out of my house.

The other cast members talk about Melissa. Shane calls her hot, which is the greatest complement you can receive as a girl. A lady can get that certified and stamped on her ass. Shane says "I can't get into exactly what we do, but we always have fun." Whoa. What is going on there that they can't discuss? Maybe it's nothing sexual. Maybe they just like to throw rocks at squirrels.

Ashley has made out with Jimmy, Sean, and Craig. Melissa is nonchalant about it but Jake Epstein is all goofy and still excited about it to this day, so it's possible he has only ever kissed girls while filming TV shows. We are left to ask which boy is the better kisser. That's up on the air since Shane isn't in the competition. Aubrey says he will come out victorious, but I have to imagine that whoever the kid who plays Sean will win, because he was man enough to play Sean.

Melissa goes antique shopping with her metrosexual boyfriend. I bet Melissa likes feeling like the man in this relationship. As a guy, I know when your girlfriend tries to be the man in the relationship it's alright because you never have to be the one that drives anywhere.

Melissa makes a big deal about going antique shopping to find unique things that no one else owns, because some plantation owner's pissing bucket from 1845 makes a really great salad bowl. Melissa sees a tin of old timey kidney pills and wonders if they were safe. No, they were not safe. There were a big scam and I think they actually ate your kidneys. Melissa and her gal pal come across an old lady who runs a store and says she watches the show every week. Whatever you have to say to make a sale.

The tail end of the episode has Melissa meeting up with the music guy for the show. They write and record that crappy prom song from "West End Girls." Ashley's toy dog is there because no one cares if an animal is in the building and fucks up any of the equipment. It was all paid for by Canadian taxpayers, so the hell with it.

Melissa ends by saying that she likes music and would love to be a jazz singer in a gown in smoky little bar with a piano player. Wouldn't we all, honey?

Shit, I really need to stop typing the first thing that comes out of my head.

Rating: C
Intensity Level: 8% Intense

Well, that was that. Some of you are going to think it was mean that I made fun of the real lives actors for once, instead of merely the fictional characters. And you'd be correct. But I meant these all in good fun, and honestly, if you put your life on camera, what do you expect? These kids all seemed pretty cool, I suppose. By the way, how about half the cast is working on recording an album?