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No One Wants to be Near Ellie

The past five seasons of Degrassi have shown us many things. Among them:

  1. You cannot win when you try to take on the caf. The crazy lunch lady is just too powerful.
  2. Manny is a slut and will always be a slut. She can't stop it. On occasion she will start the day trying to walk the straight line, but by the end of the night you give her two shots of vanilla schnapps and she will be taking her top off and giving handjobs to the basketball team.
  3. You can steal all the DVD players and computers you want from Degrassi, but break into the candy machine and the principal will be on you like JT at a porn store.
  4. Sean never fails to be cool. Spinner falters sometime, but Sean is always a slick cat. Making one dude deaf and killing another is evidence of this.
  5. No one wants to be near Ellie. Anytime Ellie has a friend it is only because of freak circumstance and as soon as that person gets a shot, he or she will run clear of the Goth Girl. She must have a dark aura around her. But Ellie will also never realize that those people don't want to be around her. Here are the people who had to get away from Ellie.

Ashley - Ashley lost all her friends when she went all Rush Limbaugh with some pills. With no one else to turn to, Ashley befriended Ellie, adopting the goth lifestyle. Ellie had no friends before Ashley came around so she was happy to school Ashley in the ways of wearing black and listening to the Cure.

Ashley was stuck with Ellie as best friend until fate smiled upon her when Paige was raped. After the rape, Paige became nice to Ashley and allowed Ash to regain all her friends. With her old buddies back, Ashley dropped Ellie like a red headed step child. Ellie couldn't take hint, though, and kept following Ashley and Paige around, always staying a few feet behind them. She didn't get the clue when Ashley didn't let her into PMS and stopped returning her calls. She still thought Ash considered her a best friend. Finally Ashley told Ellie to fuck off, but Ellie didn't get it. After all, Ashley is rude to everyone. So Ashley just decided the only thing she could do was to just let Ellie eat lunch with her once and while. Besides, Paige has Hazel as her shadow, so Ashley might as well have one too.

Marco - Marco was Ellie's first boyfriend. This was before Marco knew he was gay and possibly before the producers decided he was. Marco didn't know who Ellie really was when he started dating her either as the characters were both only introduced a few episodes earlier. Marco probably just knew her as the girl who owned a lot of Rob Zombie albums. Anyway, Marco was only three feet tall at the time, so he didn't have many options unless he wanted to pick up girls in the 5th grade. And that plan went horribly wrong. Hazel had a crush on Marco, but she was a moulinyan. Ellie was his only chance.

At some point in season 2--or maybe it was later in season 1--Marco realized he was gay. I think the truth came to him when he saw Spinner shirtless. Marco kept Ellie around to hide his homosexuality and Ellie stayed with Marco because a gay dude is really the best she can get. The problems occurred when Marco came out of the closet, and Ellie still tagged along with him. Come on, he didn't need a beard anymore, leave him alone. It got really ridiculous when Ellie brought Marco along on her first date with Sean. No one brings gays on dates anymore. That is so 1986.

It's also possible Marco merely pretended to be homosexual in order to get out of dating Ellie. He was too nice to just tell her that she sucked. A lifetime of having to suck dick is way better than a lifetime of touching Ellie's hand.

Sean - Sean was Ellie's second boyfriend. They fell in love during a Saturday detention. At that point, the nice girls such as Emma didn't want to date Sean because he might steal their candy. So Sean set his eye on the most desirable girl he saw that Saturday morning. Unfortunately, Hazel was taken by Jimmy and Toby was taken by JT, so he went with the only other girl left. Ellie and Sean dated for almost a year before Sean was so traumatized from seeing Ellie every morning that he ran away to his parents.

Ellie's Dad - Ellie's dad took his opportunity to get away from her by enlisting in the Canadian army and going overseas. Seems like a hard excuse to swallow, because I can't imagine the Canadian army gets called up that often. If there is trouble in the world and you need help, do you really even bother to look up Canada's phone number? The Canadian army heard about the conflict on CNN and decided they might as well tag along. Their reasoning being that the US and UK militaries could always use some extra hands to wash their laundry, after all. So far, Ellie's dad hasn't returned and no doubt he never will. Afghanistan is 6000 miles from Ellie.

Ellie's Mom - Ellie's mom was so sad to be Ellie's mom. How would you feel to devote nine months of your life to growing a child inside of you and the end result is Ellie? I would hit the bottle pretty hard too. Since chicks aren't allowed in the military she had no out. A kid needs a parent by law so Ellie' s mom had to stick around. 24/7 Ellie drove her mom to become an alcoholic, she drank to numb the pain. Eventually she just couldn't take it any longer and set the house on fire hoping to end it all.

Ellie's mom did eventually ask Ellie to come back home with her, but that was purely because having a kid at home is a tax deduction, which means more cash for Captain Morgan. Notice how we never see anymore of Ellie's home life after that episode. She could easily be forced to live in the garage.

Ferret Bueller - When Ellie moved in with Sean, she purchased a pet ferret. Even animals can't stand Ellie's presence and the ferret was always looking for an escape route. The problem was Ellie always kept the windows closed and ferrets can't open doors. With no other option, the ferret committed suicide by chewing on an electric cord. It was a drastic move, but now the ferret is in a better place, buried in the backyard.

Alex - Alex spent a short time as Ellie's best friend for awhile after the Candy Bandits broke up and she had no where to turn. Ashley had randomly disappeared, so Ellie needed a new person to cling to, and together they schooled the gay hockey team in euchre. But it wasn't long before Alex  went back to being Paige's lesbian shadow.

Jimmy - Jimmy was feeling pretty low after he lost the use of his legs. So low he found himself spending time with Ellie. Ellie showed him that making money playing sports is stupid and monster comics are what is really cool. Yeah. If Jimmy ever manages to walk again or gets a robot spine or something he'll clear his mind and come to realize Ellie is full of shit.

by Billie Green