A Degrassi Script Part 1
After more than two years of complaining online about poor Degrassi episodes, I have decided to take it upon myself to write a script of my own. Now, this isn't like those gay fanfics you find online because this thing is awesome. The Degrassi book has a section about how to write an episode, so I have tired to follow that to the extreme. The thing is, I don't know how long this script would be if it was acted out, but it is going to be a two-parter because the episodes where people die are always two-parters and this is one going to have lots of death. You'll agree, this is better than anything Degrassi has ever done.
"CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON" Written by Billie Green. Directed by Johnny Dangerous. Produced by Billie Green and Johnny Dangerous in association with Dumb Baby Television Studios.
MR. SIMPSON: Has anyone seen my briefcase? I can't find my briefcase.
EMMA'S MOM: You probably left it in the bedroom, you dumb bitch.
MR. SIMPSON: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. I'm sure you are correct. [sits down at the table]
EMMA'S MOM: No shit, bitch. [rubs her crotch against the side of Mr. Simpson's head] I marked you with my scent!
CAMERA moves to the TV, showing the CTV morning show
CTV NEWS GUY: Tensions are high across Canada today as the people of Quebec go to the polls to vote on a referendum declaring Quebec's independence. A previous referendum in 1995 was defeated by a margin of only one percentage point. And opinion polling indicates that the current referendum is expected pass by a wide margin. In Ottawa, Prime Minister Harper is preparing to mobilize the military in case independence is declared.
EMMA'S MOM: Wow, that's some crazy motherfucking shit. Motherfucking Frenchies want to declare motherfucking independence. Motherfucking shit is going to hit the motherfucking fan, true dat. English Canada rules! Woot! Woot!
MANNY: I just can't believe we're going on a field trip to Montreal today. Doesn't that seem like a bad idea, with the news today?
EMMA: Manny! How can you say that?
MR. SIMPSON: We've had this field trip planned for months now so we can't cancel. Besides, we're going to be fine. Don't worry.
EMMA'S MOM: Just remember bitch, my little girl gets even motherfucking scratch on this motherfucking field trip and I'll motherfucking rip off your remaining useless nut.
CAMERA moves to the top of the refrigerator, showing a JAR filled with formaldehyde and an unidentifiable round fleshy lump floating inside
MR. SIMPSON: Yes, sir.
THEME SONG BEGINS
JT: Yes, a field trip. No school, no reading, no homework. Sweetness!
LIBERTY: This is not going to be all fun and frolic, James. This is supposed to be a learning experience about our Francophone brethren. Knowledge and understanding of Quebec culture will be especially prudent during the current political crisis.
JT: How about people in Quebec wanting to become an independent country? Bunch of jerks.
EMMA: You are so ignorant, JT. French speaking Canadians have been oppressed for generations by English Canada. Don't you know about the Quiet Revolution?
JT: Suck my dick.
EMMA: I would, but it looks too much like my baby brother's.
Enter MS. HOTASS
MS. HOTASS: Emma, Manny, Liberty, JT, get in the bus now. We have to get going.
MANNY, JT, LIBERTY, and EMMA enter the bus in that order. EMMA is the last to enter the bus. EMMA stands in the bus doorway.
EMMA: Where's Toby? Has anyone seen Toby?
SCENE 2 INT. DETENTION ROOM. SPINNER, ALEX, SEAN, JIMMY, CHRIS AND SOME EXTRAS ARE SITTING IN DESKS, VERY SAD. MR. ARMSTRONG IS SITTING BEHIND A TEACHER'S DESK.
MR. ARMSTRONG: Ok, so you all have been denied the opportunity to go on the Montreal field trip for various incidents. And since there are no classes because everyone else is going on the field trip, you get to spend the day in here with me. Now you can read silently until 3 or we can play some board games. I'll go get Balderdash and Star Wars Monopoly out of the Teacher's Lounge.
Exit Mr. ARMSTRONG
SEAN: Those games are sweet, but this sucks not getting to go to Montreal.
SPINNER: Tell me about it, bro. I so wanted to check out that strip club mentioned in the Montly Crue song "Girls Girls Girls".
SEAN: Fuck yeah, me too.
SPINNER and SEAN stand up and high five while jumping into the air. CAMERA freezes this for five minutes.
CHRIS: Dooba deeba dooba dooba.
ALEX: I wanted a lap dance too.
SPINNER: Hey, didn't you graduate last year?
ALEX: I don't even know anymore. At least half the class last year didn't graduate anyway. You, Jimmy, Ashley, Craig...some others, I guess.
SCENE 3 INT. SCHOOL BUS #1. CRAZY LUNCH LADY IS DRIVING. TEACHERS, HOTASS, AND CRAZY LUNCH LADY ARE SITTING UP FRONT. MS. HOTASS AND MR. SIMPSON SIT TOGETHER NEAR WHOEVER ELSE IS STILL ON THE PAYROLL. EMMA, MANNY AND JT, LIBERTY ARE SEATED TOGETHER TOWARDS THE BACK. DARCY CAN BE SEEN IN THE MIDDLE.
STUDENTS: The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus goes round and round, all through the town!
MR. SIMPSON: Sheila, can you turn on the radio to a news station, please? I'd like to hear anything about the Quebec referendum.
CRAZY LUNCH LADY: Piss off pencil neck.
MS. HOTASS: The voting doesn't end until later this evening so there's not much to report on yet. Speaking of which, we should be entering Quebec just about now.
CAMERA shows through the bus windshield. A road blockade can be seen ahead, manned by several BORDER GUARDS dressed in black with their faces concealed, holding automatic rifles. A road sign reading "You are now entering Quebec" in English and French is right behind the blockade. Buses come to a stop.
MS. HOTASS: Why did we stop? What's going on?
CRAZY LUNCH LADY: Look ahead there, eagle eye. This doesn't look good. [CLL pulls a SHOTGUN from under her seat] Bring the bastards on.
MR. SIMPSON: Is that a gun?! Jesus! You can't have a gun on a school bus! It's against the handbook!
CRAZY LUNCH LADY: The handbook didn't plan for this. [hands SIMPSON a 9MM hand gun] Here's a girly gun for you, princess. Just know who you're pointing at first.
The BORDER GUARDS charge the Bus #1 and position themselves outside the front. They point their rifles at the windshield, door, and driver side window. CRAZY LUNCH LADY stand up and points her SHOTGUN at GUARD #1 in a Mexican standoff. CAMERA shows reactions from various STUDENTS all of whom are very scared.
BORDER GUARD #1: Dupue dulac dupee wee-wee monsieur monamee! Dupue dulac dupee wee-wee monsieur monamee!
CRAZY LUNCH LADY: I don't know what you are saying, but if you don't point your guns away from my bus, I'll blow your fucking head off!
BORDER GUARD #2: Lelac du peionte du froc! Du froc! Du froc!
CRAZY LUNCH LADY: [points shotgun at Border Guard 2] Now I got this smart ass talking gibberish to me!
MS. HOTASS: [stand up] Stop! This is crazy. I am the principal and whatever is going on I will deal with. Everyone stay calm.
HOTASS exits bus and is held against the side of the bus by several GUARDS who point their rifles at her.
BORDER GUARD #1: Du pre le bonjour bonjour wee-wee!
MS. HOTASS: Um...We're just a school. We don't mean you any harm. We're just on a field trip to Montreal.
BORDER GUARD #1: In Frances!
MS. HOTASS: I'm sorry, I don't speak French.
BORDER GUARD #1 hits HOTASS across the face with the butt of his rifle. HOTASS almost falls down.
BORDER GUARD #1: In Frances!
MS. HOTASS: Um...ok...um...Le we are le school on le field le trip du le Montreal. Bon-bon wee-wee?
BORDER GUARD #1: Ah! Monsieur bon-bon wee-wee! [lowers rifle and pats HOTASS on the back. Yells to other GUARDS] De frompei le jock strap!
BORDER GUARDS pull back blockade. HOTASS gets back into bus. Buses are allowed to pass into Quebec.
SCENE 4 INT. THE NELSON-SIMPSON HOUSE. EMMA'S MOM IS TALKING ON A PHONE WHILE HOLDING JACK.
EMMA'S MOM: Hello, Thompson Vet Clinic? Hello. I want to schedule a neutering...Ok I am free at that time. I'll bring him in and you'll just chop the dick right off...No that's not what you do...What? You just remove the testicles. Hell, I can do that myself. [CAMERA show the jar on the refrigerator] You're sure you can't just chop a dick off?...What kind of pet do I own? This isn't for an animal, this is for my husband...Hello?...Hello? Motherfuckers hung the fuck upon me. [drops kicks JACK out the window] I hate men. Fucka yeah!
SCENE 5 INT. DETENTION ROOM. ARMSTRONG AND STUDENTS ARE SITTING IN A CIRCLE OF DESKS PLAYING BALDERDASH. SPINNER IS HOLDING THE ANSWERS.
ALEX: So this game, we all have to write down what we think would be the definition of a word...
SPINNER: And I read all the guesses, including the real definition..
ALEX: And then we all guess which one is the real definition and if we pick the right one, we get two points?
ALEX: This game is so awesome! [Note: ALEX does not speak this line sarcastically. Balderdash in indeed a sweet game and ALEX will acknowledge this.]
SPINNER: So, I'll read them again. "Imbroglio" is it:
- an Italian opera singer with a voice one octave below soprano
- an automobile engine component that regulates emissions
- a complicated, confusing situation
- a fart
- a subspecies of broccoli
- Armstrong's a fag
SEAN: I'll guess the last one.
ALEX: The opera singer thing.
CHRIS: Dee dooba dombidated badoosing didadoosion.
SPINNER: What was that dude? I didn't hear you.
CHRIS: Bee boodabeeda doodoo dooba deeba doo.
SPINNER: Oh. Chris is right. He gets two points.
SCENE 6 EXT. MONTREAL. SCHOOL BUSES ENTER THE CITY
MS. HOTASS: Degrassi is now in Montreal!
FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK
ACT 2 SCENE 1 EXT. DOWNTOWN MONTREAL OUTDOOR PARKING LOT. MID DAY. STUDENTS ARE EXITING THE BUSES. HOTASS, TEACHERS, AND CRAZY LUNCH LADY ARE BY SIDEWALK, UNLOADING STUDENTS AND LOOKING AT A STREET MAP. CAMERA SHOWS JIMMY EXIT VIA AN AUTOMATIC RAMP, JOINED BY ASHLEY, WHO WHEELS HIM ABOUT. EMMA, MANNY, JT AND LIBERTY STAND TOGETHER IN LOT. DARCY CAN BE SEEN WITH MEMBERS OF JESUS CLUB.
MR. SIMPSON: Ok, we need to walk to Le Museum du French Superior tu English, but I don't know where that is.
MS. HOTASS: Let's ask one of the locals for help.
HOTASS approaches MAN ON THE STREET
MS. HOTASS: Hello, sir, I don't mean to bother you, but could you please help us find the Museum of French is Superior to English? We're a bit lost.
MAN: En frances!
MS. HOTASS: I'm sorry, none of us speak French.
MAN turns his back to HOTASS and crosses his arms. MAN holds this pose for at least one minute until HOTASS speaks.
MS. HOTASS: Um...le help us le find le way du Le Museum du French Superior tu English? Wee-wee bon-bon?
MAN: Socrare blue!
MAN punches HOTASS in the nose and storms off.
SCENE 2 INT. DETENTION ROOM. ARMSTRONG AND STUDENTS ARE SITTING IN A CIRCLE ON THE FLOOR PLAYING STAR WARS MONOPOLY. A TV IS ON IN THE BACKGROUND SHOWING A POLITICAL DEBATE SHOW ON CTV.
SPINNER: Sweet! I got Imperial Palace and Monument Square! I am going to dominate!
MR. ARMSTRONG: Spinner, you are so awesome.
ALEX: Tell us something we don't know.
CAMERA pans to the TV. CTV DEBATE SHOW is on.
SCENE 3 INT. CTV DEBATE SHOW. SEVERAL OLD MEN IN SUITS, ONE OF WHOM IS DON CHERRY, SIT AROUND A TABLE DISCUSSING THE REFERENDUM
OLD MAN #1: As we speak, voting is underway in Quebec on the latest independence referendum. According to many pollsters this is expected to pass. A declaration of independence by Quebec would have serious consequences for Canada. What's your thoughts on this, Don Cherry?
DON CHERRY: French people are super gay.
OLD MAN #1: Interesting take.
SCENE 4 EXT. MONTREAL STREET. THE FIELD TRIP GANG IS WALKING TO THE MUSEUM.
MS. HOTASS: Here we are, Le Museum du French Superior tu English. We found it. Let's go inside an learn all about Quebec culture.
FIELD TRIP GANG enters MUSEUM. MUSEUM has a large, wide open lobby with no one else inside. STUDENTS look around, puzzled as to why the museum is empty.
MANNY: Where is everybody?
LIBERTY: Ms. Hotass, where is the ticket attendant?. I need to have my hand stamped to signify that I am here officially.
MS. HOTASS: Don't talk to me, Liberty.
MR. SIMPSON: Maybe it's closed for the referendum.
MS. HOTASS: No, it shouldn't be. We arranged these plans ahead of time and--
OFF SCREEN MALE VOICE: Frar-a-jocka! Frar-a-jocka!
Out of nowhere, dozens of ARMED MEN dressed in black surround the FIELD TRIP GANG. Everyone reacts scared. Several girls cry and JT poops his pants.
ARMED MAN #1: Le hands le up! Le hands le up!
SCENE 5 INT. DETENTION ROOM. ARMSTRONG AND CHRIS HAVE THEIR SHIRTS OFF AND ARE CIRCLING EACH OTHER IN A WRESTLING MATCH. THE OTHER STUDENTS SIT AT THEIR DESKS WATCHING AND MAKING WAGERS ON WHO WILL WIN.
ARMSTRONG: Come on kid, make you move.
CHRIS: Sheebeeba bobab beeba!
ARMSTRONG: Tough words from weak little man.
CHRIS jumps at ARMSTRONG and the two wrestle. The STUDENTS cheer them on.
VOICE FROM TV: Stand by for CTV breaking news.
ALEX: Hey guys look!
CHRIS and ARMSTRONG stop wrestling. EVERYONE looks at TV. CAMERA pans to TV, showing a CTV NEWS SHOW.
CTV NEWS GUY: Polls have closed in the Quebec referendum and CTV is predicting it will pass by 70% Yes to 30% No. As soon as the polls closed, The Parti Quebecious government declared Quebec to be an independent state. In Ottawa, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has vowed to not recognize the independence declaration and to fight any attempt by Quebec to secede. It is a dark day for all of Canada.
CHRIS: Boly Buck.
SCENE 6 INT. UNDERGROUND PRISON. THE FIELD TRIP GANG IS DIVIDED UP AND LOCKED BEHIND SEVERAL CELLS. EACH CELL IS MADE OF ROCK WITH A LARGE METAL BAR DOOR IN FRONT. THE CELLS ARE GUARDED BY THE ARMED MEN. HOTASS, SIMPSON, CRAZY LUNCH LADY ARE IN ONE CELL. HOTASS IS LEANING AGAINST THE CELL DOOR. EMMA, MANNY, JT, LIBERTY, ASHLEY, DARCY AND A MALE EXTRA ARE IN ANOTHER. JT IS WEARING A DIAPER.
MANNY: This sucks. When are they going to let us out?
ASHLEY: At least you didn't crap yourself when we were caught.
JT: Shut up, okay. I feel bad enough.
THE EXTRA nuzzles up to JT.
EXTRA: Hey, Jamie, if you want to be my baby, I'll be your daddy.
JT: What the fuck?
SIMPSON: This sucks. When are they going to let us out?
HOTASS: I don't know. They won't even tell us why we are here. Hello, guards! You have the wrong idea. We are just a school.
MICHELLE: (Off camera) Oh, I have exactly the right idea.
MICHELLE enters the prison from the stairs. He is dressed all in black.
MICHELLE: So, you are the one they call Hotass. Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Michelle Xavier, solider of the glorious independent nation of Quebec, and you are my prisoners.
HOTASS: Michelle? What kind of name is that, you are a man.
MICHELLE: You ignorant English speaking swine! In your garbage language, you think every beautiful Frenchman's name is female. I fart in your general direction. (Points to GUARDS) These are my associates: Laura, Marissa, Brittany, and Cindy. Now on to more important matters. Quebec has just declared independence. Of course, your repressive government in Ottawa has vowed to stop us with force if necessary. That is where you come in. You will be held hostage until at what time the government of Canada signs an agreement recognizing our independence. If we are attacked, you are all to be executed.
HOTASS: You can't do that!
MICHELLE: Oh Ms. Hotass, I already have. WAH HAH HAH HAH!
The scene ends with MICHELLE laughing evilly.
CTV NEWS GUY: We have breaking news from Montreal. The separatist government has taken hostage members of a school from Toronto, Degrassi Community School. It appears they were on a field trip to Montreal when they were taken hostage. The separatist movement has vowed to execute the members of Degrassi unless Ottawa recognizes their independence. No word yet from the Prime Minister on this event.
JIMMY: Oh my God.
SEAN: We have to do something. We have to get them out of there.
ARMSTRONG: Are you crazy? We can't just go into Quebec and rescue everyone! We'd have to fight our way through impossible odds!
SPINNER: No, we're doing this, we have to. Everyone get ready, we are going into Quebec.