A Degrassi Script Part 2
Here is part 2 of my excitingly ball stomping Degrassi script. I suggest you go to the bathroom to take a dump first, lest the 100% Intensity of part 2 makes you shit yourself.
"CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON" Written by Billie Green. Directed by Johnny Dangerous. Produced by Billie Green and Johnny Dangerous in association with Dumb Baby Television Studios.
ANNOUNCER: Previously on Degrassi: The Next Generation
CTV NEWS GUY: Tensions are high across Canada today as the people of Quebec go to the polls to vote on a referendum declaring Quebec's independence.
JT: Yes, a field trip. No school, no reading, no homework. Sweetness!
MR. ARMSTRONG: Ok, so you all have been denied the opportunity to go on the Montreal field trip for various incidents. And since there are no classes because everyone else is going on the field trip, you get to spend the day in here with me.
BORDER GUARD #1: Du pre le bonjour bonjour wee-wee!
EMMA'S MOM: Fucka yeah!
MS. HOTASS: Degrassi is now in Montreal!
OFF SCREEN MALE VOICE: Frar-a-jocka! Frar-a-jocka!
Out of nowhere, dozens of ARMED MEN dressed in black surround the FIELD TRIP GANG. Everyone reacts scared. Several girls cry and JT poops his pants.
ARMED MAN #1: Le hands le up! Le hands le up!
CTV NEWS GUY: We have breaking news from Montreal. The separatist government has taken hostage members of a school from Toronto, Degrassi Community School. It appears they were on a field trip to Montreal when they were taken hostage. The separatist movement has vowed to execute the members of Degrassi unless Ottawa recognizes their independence. No word yet from the Prime Minister on this event.
JIMMY: Oh my God.
SEAN: We have to do something. We have to get them out of there.
ARMSTRONG: Are you crazy? We can't just go into Quebec and rescue everyone! We'd have to fight our way through impossible odds!
SPINNER: No, we're doing this, we have to. Everyone get ready, we are going into Quebec.
INT. DETENTION ROOM. SPINNER, ALEX, SEAN, JIMMY, CHRIS, MR. ARMSTRONG, AND SOME EXTRAS ARE HUDLED TOGETHER TRYING TO PLAN THE RESCUE.
ARMSTRONG: There is no way we can get into Quebec. The border has been closed.
JIMMY: We'd need some way to get inside. We'd need some people from Quebec to help us out. Does anyone know any Quebecers? I don't because French people smell.
SEAN: I do. A gang of people called the Montreal Crew. But I don't know how to contact them.
ALEX: Jay does. He runs a smuggling ring importing German chocolate with them. If we can get Jay then we can get the Montreal Crew.
JIMMY: Then we can get into Quebec.
ALEX: Yeah, that's what I implied. You don't need to say it.
SCENE 2 EXT. DEGRASSI SCHOOL. DAY. JAY IS IN THE PARKING LOT STEALING SNICKERS BARS FROM A CAR. SEAN RUNS UP TO HIM.
SEAN: Jay man, we need your help.
THEME SONG BEGINS
JAY: It's no good. All the lines into Quebec are being blocked. There is no way I can get in contact with anyone from the Montreal Crew.
SEAN: Now what are we going to do?
SPINNER: There is another way. Jimmy, you know you can do this for us.
JIMMY: Spin, I don't know what you are talking about.
SPINNER: Stop the lie, man. Lives are at stake. You have to show everyone the truth.
ARMSTRONG: What are you talking about?
SPINNER: Come on Jimmy. Do the right thing.
JIMMY: Ok. Lieutenant Brooks to Enterprise. Beam my party directly to the bridge. Energize.
EVERYONE begins to teleport like on Star Trek.
SCENE 2 INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE. IT LOOKS LIKE A SET FROM STAR TREK, IF YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE LOOK LIKE. IF NOT, JUST LOOK FOR ONE ONLINE. THERE ARE BOUND TO BE DOZENS OF HIGLY DETAILED COMPUTER LAYOUTS DRAWN BY STAR TREK
FANS NERDS. CAPTAIN BLACK IS SITTING IN THE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR. CREWMEMBERS ARE AT VARIOUS STATIONS. SPINNER, ALEX, SEAN, JIMMY, CHRIS, MR. ARMSTRONG, JAY AND SOME EXTRAS BEAM ABORD.
SEAN: What the hell is this?
CAPTAIN BLACK: Lt. Brooks, what is the meaning of this? Bringing 21st centuriers aboard?
JIMMY stands up from his wheelchair.
JIMMY: [from now on speaks in a British accent] Captain I take full responsibility for this, but it is urgent. No doubt you are aware of the developments in Canada.
ALEX: You can walk? And why did you call him Captain? Isn't that your dad?
JIMMY: I've been able to walk this whole time thanks to cybernetic implants. And Captain Black here is not my father. And my name isn't Jimmy Brooks. It's Lt. James Brooks. And this is the USS Enterprise from the 24th century. I have a lot of explaining to do.
ARMSTRONG: The future? Oh my.
SCENE 3 INT. UNDERGROUND PRISON.
LIBERTY: Are we going to die down here?
CRAZY LUNCH LADY: You are, I hope.
SCENE 4 INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE. SEVERAL CREWMEMBERS REVIVE ARMSTRONG. JIMMY IS NOW WEARING A STARFLEET UNIFORM. IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THOSE LOOK LIKE, USE GOOGLE AND YOU'LL FIND A TON OF NERDS WEARING THEM AT RENIASANCE FAIRS.
JIMMY: We are on a mission to go back in time and explore life in early 21st century Canada. For the past several years I had been posing as a teenager from your time in order to gather information. My home was actually a base of operations.
SEAN: Wow, that explains all the high tech equipment you always have. We just thought you were incredibly rich.
JIMMY: That was my cover. But what surprises me is how Spinner knew who I was. I never told him.
SPINNER: [takes a puff from his pipe] Indubitably, my dear James. You left as plethora of clues that, while a less inquisitive person would have overlooked, did not escape the attention of my keen detective skills. I felt there was no need to reveal your identify until the current situation befell us. But enough of this, we have to get to Quebec. We should take an armed security team and proceed to Transporter Room 1.
CAPTAIN BLACK: That's no good. The Quebec government has put a dampening field around the entire province. It prevents us from transporting within their borders.
SPINNER: But could we still contact the Montreal Crew?
CAPTAIN BLACK: We can try.
SCENE 5 INT. WHITE HOUSE. GEORGE W BUSH, DICK CHENEY AND WHOEVER ELSE HASN'T RESIGNED/BEEN INDICTED BY THE TIME THIS IS PUBLISHED ARE IN THE OVAL OFFICE.
CHENEY: The Prime Minister of Canada is asking for our help to put down the rebellion in Quebec.
BUSH: Who gives a shit about Canada? I hate those guys. Bunch of queers.
CHENEY: The Prime Minister did say there was a bunch of oil in Quebec.
BUSH: Well hot dog! Let's assemble the troops. Yee haw!
BUSH puts on a cowboy and swings a lasso while everyone dances to a hillbilly band.
SCENE 6 INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE. MARY ANN, LEADER OF THE MONTREAL CREW, APPEARS ON THE MAIN VIEWER. THERE IS MINOR STATIC.
JAY: Ah, Mary Ann. It has been too long, brother.
MARY ANN: Yes. How were you able to contact me? The communication lines into Quebec have been severed.
JAY: We have our ways, old bean. No doubt you have heard of the hostages taken by your government.
MARY ANN: Don't call it my government. Contrary to what that swine Michelle Xavier wants you to believe, not everyone here is in favor of the separatists' actions. I would do anything to stab those bastards in the eye.
JAY: Then maybe we can help one another. We need your help to get into Quebec to free the hostages.
MARY ANN: You must be mad!
ALEX: Yeah, mad like a fox.
JAY: Look we need to get into Quebec.
MARY ANN: Alright, it can be arranged. I'm transmitting a set of coordinates in New Brunswick. Meet us there and we will be able to smuggle you across the border. But if we are to do this, we'll need weapons. Big ones.
JAY: That won't a problem.
MARY ANN: Montreal Crew out!
CAPTAIN BLACK: Let's assemble an away team. Lt. Brooks, you'll lead the mission. You have the most experience in this time period. Now--
TACTICAL OFFICER: Sir, two Quebec Birds of Prey have launched from the surface. They are on an intercept course and their weapons are armed.
CAPTAIN BLACK: Red Alert! Raise shields, ready weapons.
ARMSTRONG: Oh me, oh my! What is going on? Heavens to betsy!
JIMMY: They must have detected our communication. Battle stations, everyone.
INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE.
TACTICAL OFFICER: Shields are at 40%. Hull breach on decks 9 and 10.
CAPTAIN BLACK: Attack pattern Delta. Just my luck we get the only French people who know how to fight.
Smoke comes out of the walls, and sparks fly out of consoles.
SEAN: Having fun yet, Coach?
EXT. SPACE. THE ENTERPRISE FIRES TORPEDOS, DESTROYING ONE BIRD OF PREY. THE SECOND BIRD OF PREY FIRES PHASERS DIRECTLY ON THE ENTERPRISE BRIDGE.
INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE. A LARGE EXPLOSION ROCKS THE BRIDGE. CAPTAIN BLACK AND SEVERAL OTHER CREW ARE KILLED INSTANTLY.
JIMMY: Captain? Captain? The captain is dead.
SEAN: So are most of the bridge crew.
SPINNER: All right, I'm taking command of the Enterprise. [Picks Captain Brooks' body off the captain's chair and and sits down] Alex, take over at Tactical. Reverse the polarity of the phasers to fire at a point zero five six calibration and target the Bird of Prey's engine array.
EXT. SPACE. THE REMAINING BIRD OF PREY IS INSTANTLY DESTOYED.
INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE.
SPINNER: With that over, we should get on with the rescue. Sean, Jay, take whatever weapons you need and an Away team and go to Transporter Room 1 to beam down to the rendezvous point.
SPINNER: I'll stay on board the ship in case you guys need us, and we never know if Quebec will send another Bird of Prey after us. This ship needs a lot of repair work. Alex, I want you to stay at Tactical, you did good.
ALEX: Yes, sir.
SPINNER: Jimmy, I'd like you at the helm. You do have experience as a pilot.
JIMMY: That I do, sir.
SPINNER: And Armstrong, if you can keep your stomach together, I'd like you at the Conn. And get a future mop and clean up your mess.
ARMSTRONG: Yes, sir.
SCENE 2 EXT. RENDEVOUZ POINT. EVENING. SEAN, JAY, CHRIS AND SEVERAL EXTRAS BEAM DOWN CARRYING WEAPONS AND SUPPLIES. MARY ANN ENTERS FROM BEHIND SOME TREES.
MARY ANN: So you arrived.
SEAN: And we're brought some firepower.
MARY ANN: Most impressive. Alright, proceed with me through this cave. It connects to an underground tunnel system that will take us into Quebec.
SCENE 3 INT. CAVE. THE TEAM PROCEEDS THROUGH THE CAVE. BULLETS FLY AT THE TEAM FROM AHEAD. SEVERAL QUEBEC TROOPS FIRE AT THE TEAM. THE TEAM TAKES COVER AND SHOOTS WITH PHASERS.
MARY ANN: God damn it! I love the smell of dead Quebecers in the evening!
All Quebec troops are killed, along with all members of the team except for Sean, Jay, Mary Ann, and Chris.
MARY ANN: We don't know if any more of these troops will come after us. Let's move quick.
SCENE 4 EXT. MONTREAL STREETS. NIGHT. THE TEAM MOVES THROUGH THE BACK ALLEYS ON ROUTE TO THE HOSTAGES. MARY ANN POINTS TO A LARGE BUILDING IN THE CENTER OF THE CITY.
MARY ANN: Your school friends are being held there in the basement jail.
SEAN: How do we get in there?
MARY ANN: It will be difficult.
JAY: Sounds like my kind of entrance.
The TEAM sniper the guards with phaser fire and move to the entrance.
JAY: Ah man, the door is controlled by a computer. Let's blast our way in.
MARY ANN: No, we don't know how many troops are in there and we don't want to set off any alarms. We need to do this stealth like, like in Metal Gear Solid.
COMPUTER DOOR: Booba dooba deeba.
MARY ANN: What's it saying? As stupid as that sounded, I swear the door isn't speaking French.
COMPUTER DOOR: Shooba deeba daaba.
CHRIS: Beeba skeeba deeba.
COMPUTER DOOR: Reeba beeba rooba.
COMPUTER DOOR: Dooba.
The doors opens, the TEAM goes inside.
JAY: That was something else.
SCENE 5 INT. UNDERGROUND PRISON. MICHELLE WATCHES THE PRISONERS WITH SEVERAL GUARDS. LAURA ENTERS.
LAURA: Sir, several of our security teams have not reported in. There may be a security breach.
MICHELLE: Impossible! But just in case...
MICHELLE enters a cell and grabs DARCY.
Darcy: What are you doing? Get away from me you smelly Frenchman!
MICHELLE: You ignorant English speakers think a man has to shower every day. How wrong you are. Once a month is more than enough! Now shut up bitch, or I will slice your tits.
LAURA: Sir, security has been breached. We have reports of a squad of high schoolers who have--
LAURA falls down dead from phaser fire. The TEAM emerges and gets in a shootout with the GUARDS. MICHELLE flees with DARCY.
JT is hit with several stray bullets and dies, his body torn apart and splashing blood and body matter onto Liberty.
The GUARDS are all taken down. MARY ANN is hit with several bullets. JAY rushes to his aid while SEAN and CHRIS unlock the cells.
JAY: Mary Ann, you're going to be just fine, bro. We'll get you to a hospital and you'll be good as new.
MARY ANN: You're a terrible liar. [coughs blood] I can see a light Jay and on the other end...on the other end is a field of chocolate. Skittles rain down from the sky just like on the commercials. I will like it there. [dies]
SCENE 6 INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE.
ARMSTRONG: Sir, we're getting a transmission from the away team. Audio only.
SPINNER: Let's hear it.
SEAN: We've gotten all the hostages except for one...Darcy. Michelle took her and ran off.
SPINNER: You did your best. What are the status of our transporters?
ARMSTRONG: We should be able to beam aboard our people.
SPINNER: Sean, get ready to come aboard.
Spinner EXITS bridge.
SCENE 7 INT. WHITE HOUSE.
CHENEY: Sir, the hostages taken by Quebec have been freed. We don't know who rescued them, but we think they are led by the one the CIA refers to as Mighty Cock Alpha. In any case, we can proceed with the attack.
BUSH: Yee-haw, send the army in. All this war is getting me pretty worked up, if you know what I mean. Get Laura in here and make her dance for me.
CHENEY: Yes, sir.
SCENE 8 EXT. MONTREAL. DOZENS OF AMERICAN AND CANADIAN FIGHTER PLANES AND TANKS ROLL INTO THE CITY BLOWING UP BUILDINGS AND MOVEING TO PUT DOWN THE REBELLION. SOME RESISTANCE IS ENCOUNTERED, BUT THE ALLIES EASY DESTROY THE REBEL FORCE, ARRESTING THOSE THAT SURRENDER. MUCH OF QUEBEC IS NOW IN RUINS.
SCENE 9 INT. ENTERPRISE TRANSPORTER ROOM. THE DEGRASSI PEOPLE ARE ALL BEAMED ABOARD. SPINNER ENTERS.
SPINNER: Is everyone aboard?
JAY: Yes. Except Darcy.
SPINNER: Status of the transporter.
TRANSPORTER CHIEF: We can do one more beam out, that's all we have left until it is repaired.
SPINNER: Can we get a lock on Darcy?
TRANSPORTER CHIEF: No, sir.
SPINNER: Alright. I'll go down there.
SEAN: You can't be serious.
SPINNER: Get me as close to Darcy's last known position as possible. Sean, you have the Enterprise. Energize.
Spinner beams down with a rifle in hand.
SCENE 10 EXT. ROOF OF PRISON. THERE IS A LARGE TOWER IN THE CENTER. SPINNER BEAMS DOWN NAKED AND WITHOUT HIS RIFLE.
TRANSPORTER CHIEF: [off camera] Sorry, sir. We were unable to transport your clothes.
SPINNER: That's quite all right.
CAMERA moves to top of Tower. MICHELLE is there with DARCY in his arms and holding a gun to her.
DARCY: Spinner! Help!
SPINNER leaps twenty feet and lands in the middle of the Tower. SPINNER climbs with a rapid, cat like pace.
MICHELLE: This will slow him down.
MICHELLE throws a bucket of oil down upon SPINNER.
SPINNER: Oh man, now I'm all oily. Especially my chest. This won't stop me.
SPINNER continues climbing and is soon upon MICHELLE and DARCY. A HELICOPTER approaches from the distance.
SPINNER: It's over Michelle. The rebellion is dead. Canada is united once again. Give me the girl, surrender, and face justice like a man.
MICHELLE: I am not a man! I am French! Stand back or I kill the girl. I'm getting out of here.
SPINNER unleashes the BEAST WITHIN. His ERECTION pulls DARCY to him like a magnet. DARCY flies through the air into SPINNER'S loving arms.
DARCY: My hero!
MICHELLE: Say your prayers!
MICHELLE aims his gun at SPINNER, but SPINNER knocks it away with his ERECTION. A rope ladder extends from the HELICOPTER and MICHELLE tries to grab it, but SPINNER knocks him down with his ERECTION.
SPINNER: Au revoir.
SPINNER stabs MICHELLE in the heart with his ERECTION. MICHELLE is dead.
DARCY: You still care about me.
SPINNER: Darcy, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since we broke up. Even when I was pleasing other women, which I did quite often.
SPINNER and DARCY exchange a passionate kiss. DARCY'S hands move toward SPINNER'S ERECTION but SPINNER pushes her away.
SPINNER: Darcy look!
The HELICOPTER points several machine guns at SPINNER and DARCY. SPINNER tries to attack the HELICOPTER with his ERECTION, but the HELICOPTER is fifty feet away, just out of SPINNER'S range. Just then, the ENTERPRISE swoops down into Montreal. SPINNER and DARCY are beamed aboard.
INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE. ALL THE DEGRASSI PEOPLE ARE THERE. SPINNER AND DARCY ENTER FROM THE TRANSPORTER ROOM. SPINNER IS STILL NAKED AND OILED UP.
The Enterprise vaporizes the helicopter.
SEAN: We could get the transporters to work if we moved close to the surface. Our sensors detected your ERECTION.
SPINNER: Good job.
JAY: So much for Quebec independence. Every rebel is either dead or in custody. Looks like we saved Canada.
SPINNER: It's been an interesting day to say the least. So Jimmy, or Lt. James, where do you go from here?
JIMMY: Since my cover has been blown and Canadian history is as it should be, there is nothing left for me to do here. As soon as we finish repairing the Enterprise, I'll have to return to my own time.
SPINNER: I'll miss you brother.
DARCY: So, Spinner you still have your ERECTION. Someone should probably finish it off for you. It's not healthy to have one around for too long.
SPINNER: Oh, so you're concerned about my health then?
DARCY: Well we do need to keep you nice and strong.
SPINNER: Who did you have in mind for this?
DARCY: Hmm...maybe your girlfriend?
SPINNER sits in the Captain's chair while DARCY gives him a blowjob. EVERYONE watches and cheers him on.
SCENE 2 EXT. A SOUTH PACIFIC ISLAND. KENDRA DRAGS AN UNCONSCIOUS TOBY OUT OF THE WATER AND ONTO THE BEACH. THEIR CLOTHES ARE TATTERED. KENDRA USES CPR TO RESESATATE TOBY.
TOBY: Where are we?
KENDRA: Our plane to the Anime Festival in Japan crashed. We were stranded on a lifeboat with five other people for weeks. But then the sharks came. I got us out of there but everyone else was eaten. Now we're stranded on this island. I don't know if there are any people on it.
A tribe of CANNIBALS, carrying spears, human skulls, and necklaces made out of bone emerge from the forest.
TOBY: There's some people. We're saved!