Another Awesome Degrassi Script
On my review of "Don't You Want Me" I joked that Degrassi cancelled an appearance by Al Gore because it snowed in Canada for the first time in memorable history. While recently typing at my keyboard and eating ice cream while basking in how clever I was, I got to thinking that Al Gore appearing on the show would make for a sweet episode. After all, Al Gore was great on Futurama, and now that they are sort of bringing that show back he should be made one of the main characters. He can go to work at Planet Express; his uptight nature will make him the perfect foil for all of Fry and Bender's mischiouf.
But Degrassi should get Al Gore to guest star. They already have a history of bringing on real people. There was that sex ed woman the first two seasons,then Kevin Smith came on during the fourth season. Those Kevin Smith episodes sucked ass, and so did the one with that all girl rock band, but Al Gore will kick ass rather than suck it. I've already done all the hard work for the producers by writing this script for a future Al Gore episode.
"THE THEME SONG FROM THE A-TEAM " Written by Billie Green. Directed by Johnny Dangerous. Produced by Billie Green and Johnny Dangerous in association with Dumb Baby Television Studios.
AL GORE: So in conclusion, global warming is bad. Thank you.
HOTASS: Thank you, Mr. Gore. We will now have a reception in the foyer. Punch and cookies will be served, and you can have Al Gore sign a copy of his new book, "Eat Em and Smile: The Official Biography of David Lee Roth."
SCENE 2 INT. SCHOOL FOYER. DAY. AL GORE IS AT A TABLE SIGNING BOOKS. THERE IS A LINE OF PEOPLE. EMMA IS NEXT IN LINE.
GORE: Hello little girl, what's your name?
EMMA: Emma Nelson, sir. I am such a big, big huge fan of yours. Not just your commitment to the environment and combating climate change, but also your stance on women's rights and gun control and, and--
GORE: Thank you, Ella.
EMMA: It's Emma, sir.
GORE: Alright, Esther.
EMMA exits the line. She opens her copy of the book to find that Al Gore wrote "Thank you for liking the environment, Elkhound. All the best, Al Gore."
THEME SONG BEGINS
SPINNER: Our new dune buggies are so awesome.
JAY: Yeah, they are way better than cars.
SEAN: You can't drive a car over a kick ass sand dune.
SPINNER: That's right.
AL GORE walks by with his POSSE.
GORE: Hey, are those dune buggies?
SPINNER: Yes they are.
GORE: Dune buggies are good for the earth because they get much better gas mileage than conventional automobiles.
GORE: You guys look pretty cool. I'm having a party later tonight at the CN Tower. You bros should show.
SPINNER: We'll be there.
AL GORE and his POSSE exit.
SPINNER: Dude, we're going to party with a former vice president. Sweet!
SCENE 2 EXT. DEGRASSI FRONT AREA. AFTER SCHOOL. WEBSTER AND DEREK ARE TRYING TO HIT ON GIRLS WITH NO SUCCESS.
WEBSTER: Hey baby, do you want to take a ride on my love rod?
GIRL #1: Fuck no. Your dick probably is covered with more dirt than a Mexican house.
DEREK: That's low.
GIRL #1: You dirty bastard.
WEBSTER begins scratching his asshole.
WEBSTER: Hey baby, let's head to the ravine for some alone time.
GIRL #2: What the hell?
DEREK: We aren't having any success.
WEBSTER: Is it a problem when your ass itches, like, all the time?
DEREK: I'd imagine so. You should see a doctor.
WEBSTER: What's that?
SCENE 3 INT. SAND DUNES. DAY. SPINNER, JAY AND SEAN RACE THEIR DUNE BUGGIES OVER THE SAND DUNES. VAN HALEN MUSIC BLASTS FROM THE DUNE BUGGIES' STEREOS.
SPINNER: This rocks!
JAY: Livin' extreme my amigos!
SCENE 4 INT. CN TOWER PARTY. NIGHT. THERE ARE LOTS OF PEOPLE PARTYING IT UP. SPINNER, JAY, AND SEAN DRIVE UP IN THEIR DUNE BUGGIES AND ARE LET INTO THE VIP AREA, WHERE ALL THE BIGGEST CELEBRITIES IN CANADA ARE THERE. I DON'T KNOW WHO THE BIG CANADIAN CELEBRITIES ARE OTHER THAN WAYNE GRETSKY AND NEIL YOUNG, BUT THEY ARE THERE FOR SURE, PLAYING FOOSBALL. EMMA IS WITH SEAN. EVERYONE IS DRESSED IN THEIR FINEST EVENING WEAR. FOR SEAN, THIS MEANS A SHIRT WITH BUTTONS TUCKED INTO THIS JEANS. JAY IS DRESSED EXACTLY AS HE WAS THAT AFTERNOON, BUT WITH A FANCY BOWLER HAT INSTEAD OF A BASEBALL CAP.
EMMA: I can't believe you know Al Gore!
SEAN: I don't know him all that well. He just talked to us after school.
EMMA: I think it's really sexy that you know Al Gore.
SEAN: Yeah, the two of us go way back.
SPINNER, SEAN, JAY AND EMMA sip fine champagne under a giant model of the planet Earth.
JAY: Check it out. They have the best chocolate at the dessert table.
SEAN: For real? Awesome.
JAY: Yeah, it's like European or something. Maybe Asian chocolate. I'm going to stuff a bunch in my jacket for later.
SEAN: Kickass. What us to snag some for you, Spinner?
SPINNER: Sure, bro.
AL GORE approaches with his POSSE behind him.
GORE: Hey guys, how are you enjoying the party?
SPINNER: It's great.
JAY: Yeah, super.
EMMA: Oh my God! Oh my God! It's Al Gore! I can't believe I am standing next to Al Gore! I mean...for the second time in one day.
GORE: Excuse me, do I know you?
EMMA: Not really, I was at your book signing and speech at Degrassi. My name is Emma.
GORE: Oh, Ellen, I remember you. Skinny ass blonde girl.
EMMA: Yes, sir, but my name is Emma.
GORE: Eliza, I got it. Would you like to dance?
EMMA: Of course. You don't mine, Sean?
SEAN: Am I going to be jealous that you want to dance with a 60 year old former vice president? No, go ahead.
SCENE 5 INT. WEBSTER'S LIVING ROOM. NIGHT. WEBSTER AND DEREK ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH, HOME ALONE, WATCHING SOFT CORE CABLE PORN. THEY HAVE THERE HANDS DOWN THEIR PANTS.
WESTER: How about Saturday night, we'll change it up: you jack me off and I'll jack you off.
DEREK: That sounds like a plan.
WEBSTER: Oh my God! My ass itches so bad!
WEBSTER puts his hand down his pants and scratches his asshole.
DEREK: Dude, if you are going to keep shoving your hand up your asshole, I don't want you jacking me off. That's just gross.
WEBSTER: I can't help it, man. My ass itches so bad. It's like it's on fire.
DEREK: I already told you. You should go see a doctor.
WEBSTER: Again, I don't know what a doctor is!
DEREK: I'll go get a dictionary.
SCENE 6 INT. CN TOWER PARTY. NIGHT. A SLOW NUMBER IS BEING PLAYED AS EMMA AND AL GORE ARE DANCING CLOSE TOGETHER.
EMMA: You are such a good dancer.
AL GORE: I learned from James Brown.
EMMA leans her head against AL GORE's chest. She falls in love with him.
ACT 2 SCENE 1 INT. DILDO STORE. DAY. MANNY IS SHOPPING FOR A NEW DILDO. EMMA IS WITH HER, THOUGH SHE DOES NOT WANT A DILDO. THERE WILL BE DILDOS EVERYONE, EXOTIC ONES OFF ALL SHAPES AND MATERIALS. THEY WILL CLUTTER THE SCREEN AND THE GIRLS WILL BE BARELY VISIBLE AMONG THE MANY, MANY DILDOS.
MANNY: What do you think Em, should I get, the black dildo or the one shaped like a mermaid?
EMMA: I don't know. Manny, I have something I need to tell you. Last night, I was at a party with Sean and I got to dance with Al Gore. And it was sooo good. And I think I'm in love with him. I think I'm in love with Al Gore. What do I do? Do I tell him? Do I tell Sean?
MANNY: Hold on Cuckoo Bananas. You have a crush on Al Gore?
EMMA: Yes and I don't know what to do.
MANNY: What you do, Cuckoo Bananas, is stick with Sean. Al Gore is old, really old, and believe me, Cuckoo Bananas, old men may look distinguished until you get them naked. It's Cuckoo Bananas. Not that I would turn down a cock, no matter how wrinkly or many hours it takes it to get erect.
EMMA: Why do you always say Cuckoo Bananas?
MANNY: I suffered a stroke over the summer.
MANNY selects several dildos and she and EMMA walk up tot he sales counter to pay for them. MARCO is behind the cash register.
MARCO: Looks like you ladies are going to be busy tonight.
EMMA: Marco, what are you doing here?
MARCO: Discount Dildos is my store. I founded it. Don't you ever notice me in our advertisements?
The camera moves to an large poster advertising Discount Dildos. It shows Marco in the basket of a balloon dressed in a green tuxedo. His arms are spread out and he has a giant smile on his face. The balloon basket and his arms are both filled with dildos.
MARCO: If you'd like, we have a machine that create a digital scan of one of your holes to create a dildo specifically crafted to fit into you for maximum pleasure.
MARCO: I love being fucked up the ass!
SCENE 2 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE. DAY. WEBSTER IS IN A HOSPITAL GOWN WAITING. A DOCTOR ENTERS WITH A CLIPBOARD.
DOCTOR: Mr. Van Zandt, I believe I know why you have terrible itching in your ass. It appears from our skin analysis and you're awful smell that you haven't bathed in several years.
WEBSTER: What's a bathed?
DOCTOR: Oh my God. Let me give you some pamphlets and materials.
The DOCTOR hands WEBSTER a bar of soap.
WEBSTER: What the hell is that?
SCENE 3 INT. SEAN'S HOME. DAY. SEAN IS HOME PLAYING A COLECOVSION GAME ON HIS 1940'S TELEVISION SET. SEAN'S HOME IS IN FACT A TENT IN A TENT CITY FULL OF POOR PEOPLE. IT RESEMBLES A RWANDAN REFUGEE CAMP EXCEPT THE PEOPLE IN IT ARE MOSTLY WHITE. EMMA OPENS THE FLAP TO SEAN'S TENT AND STEPS IN.
SEAN: Emma, what brings you to Hobo Village?
EMMA: We need to talk.
SEAN: Ok. That's good timing, by potato generator is almost out of power anyway. What is it?
EMMA: I'm in love with another man.
SEAN: (slaps his cheek in astonishment) Whah?
EMMA: It's true.
SEAN: Who is he? Who is he! Whoever he is, I'll deafen him good. Unless he is Spinner, in which case I'll understand.
EMMA: He's Al Gore.
SEAN rolls on the floor in uncontrollable laughter.
SEAN: Ha ha. Are you going to marry him?
EMMA: I don't know. I haven't discussed this with him.
SCENE 4 INT. THE BATHROOM OF WEBSTER'S HOUSE. DAY. WEBSTER STANDS IN THE TUB WHILE DEREK STANDS OUTSIDE THE TUB HOLDING SOAP AND A WASHCLOTH.
DEREK: Now I'm going to show you how to take a shower.
WEBSTER: How often are you supposed to of one these show-ers?
DEREK: I take one once every two weeks.
WEBSTER: Wow, that's a lot.
DEREK: Yeah. It's a hassle. Ok, let's get this going.
Derek turns on the shower's water. The water hits Webster and he reacts in horror.
WEBSTER: Ah! It burns! It burns! The water burns! Turn it off!
DEREK: But the water is cold.
WEBSTER : It burns! It burns!
SCENE 5 EXT. CN TOWER. DAY. AL GORE AND HIS POSSE HANG OUT OUTSIDE OF THE CN TOWER SMOKING CIGARETTES AND READING MAD MAGAZINE. EMMA APPROACHES THEM.
EMMA: Mr. Gore, hi, I have something I need to tell you.
GORE: What is it, Edgar?
EMMA: Over the past few days I noticed a spark between us and I can't stop thinking about you, and I love you and I know you love me, so I'm ready to get married. Will you marry me?
GORE: What the fuck?
EMMA: Is that a yes?
GORE: No, that's a know. I'm already married. And I'm not in love with you. And I barely know you. And from what I do know about you, I don't like you at all.
EMMA: What? But I can't be wrong about anything, I'm Emma!
GORE: Are you even over 18?
EMMA: I'm not sure.
SPINNER: Alright, everyone is gone, now I can work on my symphony!
SPINNER hears crying from the back of the room. He walks over there to find EMMA crying under a table.
SPINNER: Emma? It's a good thing I found you. After I lock up and leave, the Dot only has 2 hours of air and no way to get out. You'd have been dead before morning.
EMMA: Thank you Spinner.
SPINNER: Now why are you crying?
EMMA: I made a huge mistake. I thought that when Al Gore came to town we had fallen in love with each other, but then I found out he was married and didn't think of me that way. And the worst part is that now I've lost Sean too.
SPINNER: Are you for fucking real?
Spinner reaches for a baseball bat and beats Emma over the head with it.
EMMA: Thank you sir, may I have another?
Spinner hits her again.
SPINNER: You've had that coming for a long time.
Wow, wasn't that bad? Well not as nearly as bad as that time Caitlin had sex with Editor guy. Seriously, what the fuck was that about? Clearly the producers have been out of ideas for years now. They need to hire Johnny and me as writers. We'll bring some fresh ideas to the show and work for very little money.