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An Action Packed Degrassi Script

Get ready Degrassiteers, I have written another script for the show. It's more exciting and outrageous than my previous scripts. But given how insane season 9 looks to be, it will still probably be more sensical than any episode of the show this coming year.

Note: I have included Wikipedia links to many of my pop culture references in case you don't know what I am talking about. But if you are the type of person who doesn't know any of these things or people, I would prefer than you no longer visit my website.

"POLITICIAN (MINI-RAP)" Written by Billie Green. Directed by Johnny Dangerous. Produced by Billie Green and Johnny Dangerous in association with Dumb Baby Television Studios.

[Teaser | Act I | Act II | Tag]


TEASER EXT.DEGRASSI. DAY. KEVIN SMITH AND JASON MEWES WALK DOWN THE STREET TOWARD DEGRASSI SCHOOL. KEVIN SMITH IS MUNCHING ON A LARGE BAG OF BURGER KING KETCHUP AND FRIES BRAND POTATO CHIPS, WITH MANY OF THE CHIPS FALLING OUT OF HIS MOUTH AND STICKING TO HIS SHIRT. JASON MEWES IS SMOKING A MARIJUANA CIGARETTE OPENLY IN PUBLIC.

JASON: Why we going back to Degrassi high school? Man, I spend more time there than I ever spent at any school I was ever enrolled in.

KEVIN: Because the people of Degrassi Community School are my biggest fans. They adore me. And someone on the internet said something mean about me, so I am very depressed. I need to be cheered up.

From the rooftop of Degrassi, A GUARD observes Kevin and Jason coming toward the school. He hits a big red button which sounds an alarm inside the school. The students who were a moment ago talking in the halls, because no one ever goes to class, immediately run for cover.

PRINCIPAL: Code Red! Everyone under a desk. Turn off all the lights , lock the doors and close the blinds! Kevin Smith will be here in less than 60 seconds. Let's move people! Move!

Kevin and Jason climb the steps to Degrassi. Kevin will find this very strenuous. They find that the doors are locked and the lights are out. Kevin knocks on the door.

KEVIN: Hello? Is anyone there? It's your old pal, Kevin Smith! What's going on? Hello!

From a classroom, MANNY can be seen huddled under a desk.

MANNY: Why won't this creep go away? He's been knocking at the door for three hours. I need to go home. My vibrator is lonely.

THEME SONG BEGINS


ACT 1 SCENE 1 INT.TOUR BUS.DAY. THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS' TOUR BUS MAKES ITS WAY DOWN A DESERT ROAD, ON THE WAY TO A WHAT WE WILL A ROCKING SHOW. THE TOUR BUS IS TWO STORIES HIGH AND TAKES UP BOTH LANES OF THE ROAD, FORCING CARS IN THE LEFT LANE TO PULL OVER TO THE SHOULDER UNTIL THE BUS PASSES. THE BUS IS PAINTED WITH POORLY DRAWN PICTURES OF TITTIES.

Inside, FLEA and CHAD sit in a hot tub as Flea reads fan mail while Chad swims back and forth doggy style in a semi circle. ANTHONY sits in a nearby leather chair, wearing a smoking jacket and fez while putting together a ship in a bottle. Behind Anthony, sits a bookcase containing the entire series "Talespin" on DVD.

FLEA: Hey, Anthony check out this fan letter:

Hello Chili Peppers, my name is Gavin Mason and I recently graduated from Degrassi Community School in Toronto, Canada. I am organizing my school's first summer concert. Other bands that have played here have all been lame. I am hoping that you will consider playing at my school.

Your Biggest Fan, Gavin 'Spinner' Mason.

ANTHONY: Flea, you know I take the time to read each and every fan letter during morning breakfast over three bowls of Cheerios, two bowls of Special K and a peach. Why did you want to read me that one now?

FLEA: Because I got a totally weird vibe from it, just by touching it. Here.

Flea hands the letter to Anthony. As soon as Anthony touches it, he shakes.

ANTHONY: Wow. I felt like Adam when he touches God in that one painting at the Sistine Chapel.

Chad jumps out of the hot tub, splashing water on the floor, pissing off Flea. He sniffs the letter.

CHAD: Narf! Narf!

ANTHONY: We better tell John about this.

From the beds, JOHN is meditating. Two transparent versions of John float around his body.

ANTHONY: John! We have to do a Summon!

John's two floating bodies return to his main one and John wakes up from his trance. He hops off the bed.

The Chili Peppers each stand to one side of a dark circle platform while holding hands. The floating head of REGIS PHILBIN materializes over the platform.

REGIS: Why have you beckoned me, my sons? Seriously, why? I was about to get it on with some German chick 'cause she thinks I'm going to get her into movies. And I will make sure she wins an Oscar because Regis does not lie to a woman.

FLEA: Father, we have received a letter, one that gives us funky mojo vibes. It comes from a boy in Canada.

Regis reminds silent for several moments before speaking.

REGIS: Yes, yes. You are feeling a connection to your long lost brother.

CHILI PEPPERS: Gasp!

ANTHONY: There is another Pepper? How? Why?

CHAD: Narf! Narf!

REGIS: I hoped I would not have to tell you this until you were older and all grown up. When John left the band in 1992, you replaced him with Dave Navarro and the band sucked for a while. This threatened to upset the Cosmic Funky Mojo Balance of the Universe and destroy the very fabric of space and time. To stop this, I went back in time to 1988 and impregnated a Canadian woman. I hoped that eventually this child would grow up to take his place as guitarist for the band.

ANTHONY: Why father? Why did you never tell us this?

REGIS: The boy only reached sexual maturity in 2002. By that time, John had rejoined the band and you guys weren't lame anymore. There was no need to introduce you. Besides, I pay enough through the ass in child support as it is. Regis Out!

Regis' head disappears. The Chili Peppers stop holding hands.

JOHN: We have to find this child.

CHAD: Narf!

ANTHONY: That's right, Chad, we have a show to play first, and our show always comes first. We'll go to Canada right after we play the Tony Awards. We'll be able to leave quick if we use jet packs.

 

SCENE 2. EXT.AFGHANISTAN.DAY. SEAN sits atop a canyon looking out a pair of binoculars. Through the binoculars, he sees a taliban camp equipped with several AT-ATs. Sean puts down the binoculars and turns to his company, consisting of a Captain and some other soldiers.

SEAN: I count ten Imperial Walkers, but there are probably have more in the caves.

CAPTAIN: The Taliban are planning a major offensive. We have to act quickly.

 

SCENE 3. int.tony awards.night. The Red Hot Chili Peppers close the Tony Awards by playing a 45 minute version of "True Men Don't Kill Coyotes." The stage is littered with panties that have been thrown at the Peppers from the audience. The band ends the song and proceeds to put on their jet packs.

ANTHONY: Goodnight Broadway. We're on our way to Canada now.

Anthony, Flea and John activate their jet packs and fly into the sky. Chad waits around a few minutes to sniff panties before taking off.

 

SCENE 4. int.spinner's bedroom.night. Spinner is lying in bed, naked but with the blanket covering his magnificent penis. A girl roughly Spinner's age stands by the door buttoning her shirt. They have just finished making sweet love.

GIRL: Wow, Spinner that was amazing. I've never felt like that before. Thank you.

SPINNER: No need to thank me. I'm just doing what I was put on Earth to do, make sure every women knows her true potential in enjoying the act of sex.

GIRL: What do I owe you?

SPINNER: You owe me nothing in return, young lady.

GIRL: No, I should pay you some money.

SPINNER: No! You will do no such thing! I am not a prostitute. When will women realize that and stop treating me like an incredibly sexy piece of man meat?

GIRL: Sorry sir.

SPINNER: It's a fact that 50% of women have never experienced an orgasm. I'm going to change that, one woman at a time.

GIRL: That's wonderful.

SPINNER: I just want women to enjoy their maximum ability to enjoy sex.

GIRL: That's very feminist of you.

SPINNER: I know. Gloria Steinem told me that last year.

The CAMERA sows a framed portrait on the wall of Spinner and Gloria Steinem sitting in his bed raising wine glasses to the camera.

 

SCENE 5. ext.aRMY base camp.night. Sean, the Captain and several other soldiers, including Ellie's Dad, gather around a tent, looking over a map of the mountainous area.

CAPTAIN: The Taliban have centered their headquarters in a cave system near us. In addition to a wide array of weapons, we believe all of their top leadership is at this location. With one strike, we can wipe out the Taliban leadership and their weapons.

ELLIE'S DAD: When can we expect NATO reinforcements?

CAPTAIN: We can't. The top brass doesn't want to spoil the element of surprise. We start amassing a large force and the Taliban will scatter. Plus, they have AT-ATs. We're the only company with the know how to dog fight AT-ATs. We're alone on this. Us against Bin Laden himself. Lieutenant Cameron, can your platoon handle this?

SEAN: We lost a lot of good men when we took out that Xenomorph last week, but yeah, Air Guitar Platoon is always ready for a fight.

CAPTAIN: We move out oh-six-hundred tomorrow morning. dismissed!

 

SCENE 6. ext.downtown canada.day. JOHNNY DANGEROUS and BILLY GREEN, two dapper dandies dressed in tuxedos, monocles and top hats, stroll through the street holding hands and looking into the windows of flower shops.

JOHNNY: I say, dear friend, Canada is an excellent place in which to vacation from our stressful internet jobs.

BILLY: Here, here, friend. I only wish you have not told your family, which whom you still live.

JOHHNY: Yes. It was mean of my little brother to say that we were only coming up here to get gay married. He is so mean but I can't tell him to stop picking on me because he'll beat me up.

BILLY: Your parents really encourage him.

JOHNNY: Yes. I always said when I was 18 I was moving out, but I forgot the part where you need a job and money to do that.

Johnny and Billy turn the corner to find themselves outside Degrassi Community School.

BILLY: Shall we see what is going about in this school?

JOHNNY: As long as we keep out a keen eye for bullies. I for once would like to be inside a high school for once in my life where my underwear wasn't run up the flagpole.

BILLY: As would I.

 

SCENE 7. int.degrassi school.DAY. SPINNER WALKS DOWN THE HALLWAY. THE van halen version of the SONG "ICE CREAM MAN" PLAYS AS HE STRUTS. GIRLS STARE HIM AS HE WALKS OUT THEM. SEVERAL GIRLS ORGASM.

BILLY AND JOHNNY ENTER THE SCHOOL.

BILLY: This looks like a fine high school.

JOHNNY: Is that Van Halen playing?

BILLY: Shall we proceed to the library?

JOHNNY: Yes, I would like to find the latest Judy Bloom novel as well.

A Gang of Eighth Grade Girls surround Billy and Johnny. Billy and Johnny are very scared.

GANG MEMBER #1: Hey nerds, give us your lunch money.

BILLY: Yes, ma'am.

Billy and Johnny hand the girls their money.

GANG MEMBER #1: This is American money! This is worthless. Grab them, girls!

The Girls engulf Billy and Johnny, who make high pitch squeals of fright as they are taken down.

GANG MEMBER #1: You're underwear is going up the flagpole!

SPINNER: Halt!

The Girls move away from Billy and Johnny.

SPINNER: Leave the homosexual couple alone.

GANG MEMBER #1: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

The Gang leaves. Spinner stands over Billy and Johnny. He offers his muscular arm to the two to help them up. With one arm, Spinner pulls Billy and Johnny up at the same time. Spinner, with his ripped body, towers over the two weaklings.

SPINNER: You have to be careful of the 8th grade girl gangs, They will mercilessly pick on those weaker than them. I once knew this guy--well if you can call him a guy--Toby, who had to leave all of the sudden because of being picked on by 8th grade girls.

BILLY: Thank you.

Spinner looks Billy in the eye and smiles.

SPINNER: You have very soft hands.

BILLY: Ok.

SPINNER: Maybe we should meet up later. I own the Dot out back by the Ravine.

BILLY: I'll be there.

JOHNNY: What the hell is going on here?

SPINNER: Look forward to seeing you, sweetheart.

Suddenly the RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS burst through the ceiling on their jet packs, causing heavy damage to the school. They all face Spinner, except for Chad, who is is backwards.

JOHN: Gavin Mason?

SPINNER: I am he.

FLEA: Join us or die.

SPINNER: I choose neither.

Spinner pulls out a lightsaber and activates it. The Chili Peppers take off their jet packs and assume karate stanches.

COMMERCIAL BREAK


ACT 2 SCENE 1. INT.DEGRASSI.CONTINUOUS. SPINNER FIGHTS THE CHILI PEPPERS. SPINNER SLASHES WITH HIS LIGHTSABER WHILE THE PEPPERS USE THEIR FISTS. SPINNER'S LIGHTSABER IS UNABLE TO SLICE THROUGH THE PEPPERS' SKINS. ANTHONY KARATE KICKS THE LIGHTSABER OUT OF SPINNER'S HAND. THE PEPPERS SURROUND SPINNER.

ANTHONY: You are defeated. Surrender!

SPINNER: No!

Spinner leaps to the ceiling and does a back flip in the air to get away from the Peppers. He then jumps up the hole the band created when they burst in, landing on the roof.

ANTHONY: To the jet packs!

The Peppers put on their jet packs and take off after Spinner. Except for Chad, who accidentally goes forward and crashes into the Media Immersion room.

MR. SIMPSON is at his desk, perplexed.

CHAD: Narf! Narf!

 

SCENE 2. EXT.DEGRASSI ROOF.DAY. SPINNER CATCHES HIS BREATHE. BEFORE HE CAN RECUPERATE, THE THREE PEPPERS FLY THROUGH THE HOLE.

JOHN: There is no escape!

SPINNER: No!

Spinner stomps his foot, causing a ripple through out the roof of the school. The impact disrupts the Pepper's jet packs and they fall to the floor, moments before part of the school collapses, burying them in rubble.

SPINNER: That's the end of that. Now to make my way to the Dot where a special person awaits.

 

SCENE 3. EXT.AFGHANISTAN.DAY. SEAN CLIMBS INTO HIS X-WING. A MECHANICAL ARM LOWERS AN R2 UNIT INTO ITS SLOT.

SEAN: Red Leader standing by.

RED 2: Red 2 standing by.

ELLIE'S DAD: Red 3 standing by.

RED 4: Red 4 standing by.

RED 5: Red 5 standing by.

RED 6: Red 6 standing by.

SEAN: Red Squad move out.

The six X-Wings take to the air.

 

scene 4. int.spinner's bedroom.night. SPINNER KICKS IN THE DOOR WITH HIS FOOT AND ENTERS, CARRYING BILLY IN HIS ARMS. SPINNER SETS BILLY ON HIS BED AND KISSES THE NAPE OF HIS NECK.

BILLY: Thank you, sir.

SPINNER: Let's get down to business.

Spinner snaps his fingers and Billy's shirt and pants come off. Billy lies there in his underwear.

SPINNER: I like to remove the underwear with my own hands.

Spinner lifts Billy's legs in the air and pulls Billy's tighty whities off his pale, bony legs.

BILLY: That feels so good.

SPINNER: What don't your briefs have a flap in front? Is this lace trim?

BILLY: Um...

Spinner holds out his hand.

SPINNER: Lube!

A bottle of lubrication materializes in Spinner's hand. He applies to the Billy's butthole.

BILLY: That feels so good, sir.

SPINNER: Just you wait. Clothes, remove thyneselves!

Spinner clothes melt off him, revealing his musical physique and a bright glow from his crotch. Billy is in awe and his own penis shrinks by two inches in Spinner's naked presence, meaning Billy's penis almost disappears.

Spinner kisses Billy and massages his nipples. Billy is quite aroused.

BILLY: I am quite aroused.

Spinner lifts up Billy's legs and penetrates Billy's anus with his penis. Spinner's rhythmic pounding is the greatest pleasure Billy has ever experienced.

Billy has an out of body experience. He flies though a land of rainbows and teddy bears. Suddenly, the Red Hot Chili Peppers appear.

ANTHONY: What the fuck is going on here?

Billy's out of body experience ends and he returns to Spinner's bedroom to find that The Red Hot Chili Peppers have burst through Spinner's bedroom wall.

CHAD: Narf! Narf!

Spinner pulls out of Billy and runs downstairs. The Chili Peppers follow.

 

scene 5. ext.Afghanistan.day. THE X-WINGS BATTLE THE AT-ATS WHICH OUTNUMBER THEM, AROUND A MOUNTAIN. THE X-WINGS HAVE DIFFICULTY TAKING DOWN THE AT-ATS.

ELLIE'S DAD: Their armor is too thick. Our weapons can't penetrate!

An AT-AT destroys an X-Wing.

SEAN: Red 6 is gone!

An AT-AT hits Sean's X-Wing, blowing up his R2 unit.

SEAN: R2! My R2 unit is gone. Now I'll have to do whatever it is an R2 is supposed to do and do it myself.

An AT-AT destroys another X-Wing.

ELLIE'S DAD: Red 2 is down! We're too outnumbered.

SEAN: Pull low to the ground and stick close to an AT-AT.

ELLIE'S DAD: Flying that low will be suicide!

SEAN: But it will make it harder for the AT-ATs to hit us. Do it!

The four remaining X-Wings swoop low and each circle an AT-AT. The AT-ATs are unable to fire on the X-Wings and instead hit each other. The AT-ATs begin to fall down.

SEAN: Their shields are down. Open fire. Red Leader to Base, the AT-ATs are neutralized.

CAPTAIN (from radio): Good work, Red Team. We're ready to storm the caves.

RED 4: I can't keep flying this low. It's too hard!

SEAN: Keep it together, Red 4! That's an order!

RED 4: I can't. IIIIIIEEEEEEEE!

Red 4 flies erratically and crashes into the cave.

SEAN: Nooooo!

CAPTAIN (from radio): At least he got us a way inside!

Canadian soldiers enter the cave through the hole created by the crash. The three remaining X-Wings land and their pilots join the ground team.

 

scene 6. canada.day SPINNER DRIVES HIS CAR THROUGH THE STREETS, TRYING TO KEEP AHEAD OF THE PEPPERS WHO PURSUE HIM IN A MONSTER TRUCK. ANTHONY DRIVES, JOHN AND FLEA LOAD A BAZOOKA, AND CHAD STICKS HIS HEAD OUT THE WINDOW TO ENJOY THE BREEZE.

JOHN FIRES THE BAZOOKA.

SPINNER: Deploying countermeasures!

The truck of Spinner's car opens, throwing material which explodes the bazooka rocket. The monster truck takes the impact from the blast and veers into a manure truck, getting poop all over the Peppers.

FLEA: Weak.

Spinner laughs and drives off. But soon his car stalls and won't start back up.

SPINNER: Damn Joey and his cheap fucking cars.

The Peppers run toward Spinner.

Spinner and The Chili Peppers fight hand to hand through the streets of the city. Much property is damaged and people are killed. John grabs Spinner and pushes him into a building. Spinner crashes through a car and into a comic book shop.

Spinner jumps out of the comic book shop and stomps on the ground, causing an impact tremor to run down the street and knock the Peppers on their butts.

The whole neighborhood catches on fire somehow. The Peppers stand up.

SPINNER: Dammit, I can't escape these guys. It's like they are the Terminator and I am Sarah Conner. There is only one thing left to do. I unleash the beast within!

A bright light emanates from Spinner's crotch and then surrounds his whole body. In an instant, Spinner grows to be 100 feet tall.

SPINNER: I'll crush you good!

The Peppers flea as Mega Spinner stomps after them, destroying everything in his wake.

JOHN: Sensei has taught us well, but our world class karate skills are no help now.

ANTHONY: It's time to unleash Pepper Power!

The Peppers each take a pepper shaped medallion from their pockets.

ANTHONY: Pepper Up!

FLEA: Wolverine!

JOHN: Falcon!

CHAD: Narf!

ANTHONY: Dolphin!

The Peppers each take on armored costumes of the animal they called out, except for Chad who turns into a beagle.

ANTHONY: We need Pepper Zord Power now!

A giant robot wolverine, falcon and dolphin fall from the sky, as well as a medium sized dog house. The Peppers jump into their robot zords. The dog house becomes chained to Chad. He goes into his dog house and barks at Spinner. While this is all happening, Spinner is taking a smoke break.

FLEA: Zordin' it up!

JOHN: Mega Spinner is going down!

CHAD: Growl!

ANTHONY: Let's form Mega Pepper Zord!

The three giant robots combine into a giant robot pepper with arms and legs and a sword. Mega Pepper Zord and Mega Spinner battle, destroying much of Toronto. From the ground, Japanese-Canadians flee the battle in terror.

REGIS PHILBIN swoops down from the sky in a motorcycle capable of flight. He observes the battle.

REGIS: No, no. This will not do!

Regis presses a button on his motorcycle causing the Mega Pepper Zord to disappear and the Peppers to fall to the ground returning to their human form.

Regis flies in front of Mega Spinner.

REGIS: Malamus Calvenus Extempo!

Spinner returns to normal size.

SPINNER: What's going on?

FLEA: This is bogus!

JOHN: Where are our zords?

ANTHONY: I miss looking like a dolphin.

CHAD: Narf! Narf!

REGIS: Stop! All of you stop! Why are you fighting?

JOHN: Because that little Canadian turd won't join our band! He is our brother. It is his destiny.

ANTHONY: He will join us or die!

FLEA: Karate chop!

CHAD: Narf! Narf!

REGIS: No, no, no! This young man cannot join your band! Have you heard him play the drums? Every band he has ever been in has sucked--sucked it hard, sucked it long, and sucked it deep.

SPINNER: Hey! Well, you're kind of correct.

REGIS: Having the child join the band would be a disaster. You must understand, when I conceived of you little Peppers, I made sure to give you 50% musical prowess and 50% sexual prowess. But when I conceived of Spinner, I was drunk off a mix of Jim Bean and Diet Squirt and accidentally gave him 100% sexual prowess. He has no musical skill, even less than Chad. It's also sexual with him.

CHAD: Narf! Narf!

FLEA: That explains why I feel so inadequate next to this boy.

JOHN: I am all shriveled up down there.

ANTHONY: I most certainly could not hold up a sock right now.

REGIS: In fact, you couldn't even fit a sock around this boy. You'd need, like, a sleeping bag sewed to another sleeping bag. You see why he wouldn't be a fit for the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

JOHN: Alright young child, let's call peace.

Spinner and the Chili Peppers shake hands.

ANTHONY: And we will play a song or two at your school...brother.

FLEA: Now that's out of the way, let's go look at porn on the library computers!

REGIS/ANTHONY/JOHN: Hooray!

CHAD: Narf!

Regis and the Chili Peppers head for the public library. Spinner stands around confused.

SPINNER: Wait...Regis Philbin is my father?

 

scene 7. ext.library.day REGIS AND THE CHILI PEPPERS ARE KICKED OUT OF THE LIBRARY. THEY ARE ALL DISAPPOINTED.

ANTHONY: Stupid library code of conduct.

 

scene 8. int.cave.day. THE CANADIAN TROOPS FIGHT THROUGH THE CAVE, BATTLING TALIBAN FIGHTERS WITH GUNFIRE AND HAND TO HAND COMBAT. MANY FIGHTERS ARE BOTH SIDES ARE KILLED.

THE REMAINING CANADIAN FORCES MAKE IT TO THE END OF THE CAVE SYSTEM. ONE LONE TALIBAN FIGHTER GUARDS A SEALED ENTRANCE TO MORE OF THE CAVE.

CAPTAIN: Bin Laden must be behind that door! Stand aside, terrorist!

TALIBAN FIGHTER: Kablassh! Jaloof il kalblash!

ELLIE'S DAD: What's he saying?

SEAN: Who cares?

Sean shoots the Taliban fighter.

CAPTAIN: It looks like the door is pretty thick. We'll need explosives to open it.

TRIPWIRE: I'm on it, Captain.

TRIPWIRE plants explosives along the door, blowing it open. The soldiers step inside.

CAPTAIN: What happened here?

This section of the cave is littered with dead Taliban bodies who all have tears in their chests.

SEAN: They're all dead.

ELLIE'S DAD: Look. They're chest have wounds.

TRIPWIRE: So they were shot?

ELLIE'S DAD: No, the wounds come outward, like something burst out of them from the inside.

SEAN: Xenomorphs!

ELLIE'S DAD: Exactly.

CAPTAIN: What's going on here?

SEAN: The Taliban must have been trying to breed Xenomorphs for a terrorist attack. That explains the sightings we've had in recent months.

ELLIE'S DAD: Just a few eggs planted in New York City could be enough to kill millions of people.

SEAN: But the Taliban must have lost control of the aliens. The aliens turned on the Taliban and killed them all.

ELLIE'S DAD: The survivors sealed off the lower levels of the cave system to keep the Xenomorphs contained but I doubt their containment would have lasted for long.

CAPTAIN: We have to exterminate the remaining aliens. If they get loose, everything the Coalition has worked for will become undone. Lieutenant, you have experience hunting Xenomorphs.

SEAN: We can clean up here. Alright team, go into hunting mode.

A Xenomorph jumps out from the shadows and attacks Tripwire. As the alien tears out Tripwires guts, the Soldiers shoot it. The alien is killed, but the bullets tear open its abdomen and the acid spurts out, getting all over the Captain and melting his face!

SEAN: Captain!

ELLIE'S DAD: He's dead. So is Tripwire, but who cares about him? You're in charge now.

SEAN: Let's keep going team.

The remaining troops, Sean, Ellie's dad, and a third solider, continue down the cave. They encounter mist.

ELLIE'S DAD: What's all this mist?

SEAN: Get out!

From the mist, Xenomorph eggs begin to hatch. Facehuggers jump from the eggs and leap at the soldiers faces. The soldiers fire at the facehuggers, killing them.

SEAN: Don't let them get a hold of your face! They'll hug it. Hug it good!

The facehuggers keep coming. One latches onto the third solider's face. He falls over.

ELLIE'S DAD: They got Dallas! What do we do?

SEAN: We can't extract the facehugger without killing Dallas. Right now an alien is growing inside him. There is only one things to do.

ELLIE'S DAD: I know.

Sean and Ellie's dad shoot Dallas repeatedly in the stomach.

SEAN: No more alien.

Another alien jumps out from the darkness and attacks Ellie's dad. Sean kills it with his rifle and goes to a dying Ellie's dad, his body bloody from the attack. Sean kneels over Ellie's dad.

SEAN: Come on man. Stay with me.

ELLIE'S DAD: I haven't got long to live. When you get back to Canada find my daughter Ellie. Tell Ellie...(cough) tell my daughter Ellie that I hate here. Tell her I hate her that dying in a cave in Afghanistan make me very happy because I will never have to see her again.

SEAN: Alright.

Ellie's dad dies. Sean shouts into the sky.

SEAN: Vengeance!

Sean runs through the cave shooting every alien he sees. Then he sees a human.

SEAN: Osama bin Laden!

Sean prepares to shoot bin Laden but his gun is out of ammo. Bin Laden lunges at him and Sean hurries to reload before he is attacked.

Suddenly an alien bursts out of bin Laden's chest, killing him, and leaps in the air in the direction of Sean. Sean reloads his ammo and shoots the chestburster repeatedly. Many bullets hit bin Landen.

SEAN: Kickass.

COMMERCIAL BREAK


TAG ext.ravine.evening. SEVERAL THOUSAND PEOPLE CROWD AROUND AN OUTDOOR STAGE. MANNY, EMMA, TOBY AND LIBERTY STAND TOGETHER.

SPINNER WALKS ON STAGE, TO A GREAT DEAL OF CHEER.

SPINNER: Are you guys ready to rock? Give it up for The Red Hot Chili Peppers!

Spinner walks off stage while The Red Hot Chili Peppers walk onto stage to cheer, but less than Spinner received. They go to their instruments.

ANTHONY: Hello Canada! You Canadians have pictures of the Queen all over the place.

FLEA: That reminds us of the time we performed at Buckingham Palace for the Queen's birthday.

ANTHONY: We each took turns shooting a load into her mouth.

JOHN: That was our entire set. We played no songs.

FLEA: We received a 20 minute standing ovation.

ANTHONY: Now we were only hired to play one song. But it's a new one we wrote last night in our hotel room while playing Castle Risk. It's about a special little boy we met here and is called "Up North Teenage Sex Machine." Hit it guys.

The band begins playing. The music is exactly the same as the song "Naked In The Rain" but no one calls them out on it.

ANTHONY: Standin' on the corner of the Canadian nation / There's a high school here for me / In a world where love can't be found / He's long and hung with muscles that gleam / His beast will make you scream / That Up North Teenage Sex Machine!

JOHN/FLEA: He's gonna fuck yo mother / All right! / He's gonna fuck yo mother / All night!

From the crowd, Manny, Emma and Toby dance to the music. Liberty looks on with her arms folded and wearing a frown.

LIBERTY: This music is inappropriate for a school setting.

JOHNNY DIMARCO: Looks like it's time to take out the trash.

Johnny DiMarco and his gang pick up Liberty and throw her in a dumpster. Then they dance.

ANTHONY: Alright, we're done. Goodnight!

EMMA: What? We stood out here for three hours waiting for the band to come out and they only played for five minutes. Boo! Boo!

MANNY: Boo! Boo!

CROWD: Boo!

JOHN: Oh no, we're disappointing the fans!

FLEA: We can't let this happen! A Pepper fan has never felt left down in the 1500 years we've played together.

CHAD: Narf!

JOHN: I know how to fix this.

The band huddles together for a few moments and then returns to their instruments.

ANTHONY: We're just fucking with you kids. Here is one more song!

The band plays "Any Way You Want It" by Journey. The crowd rocks out like they never have before in their life.

THE END

by Billie Green