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Season 4 Part 2 Sneak Peak for Americans

Season 4 of Degrassi will finished up in Canada on February 14th, but we here in America won't get to see the second half of the season until this summer. Fucking bastards at the-N. Luckily, I have been able to watch just about all of the fourth season using special video files smuggled to me across the Canadian border. Let me just say that the fourth season of Degrassi is everything 100% Intense should be. It's the craziest god damn season by far.

As a service to my fellow Americans, I am going to spill the beans on what happens in order to keep us up to pace with the Canucks. If you don't want anything spoiled just stop reading this article and go here.

SPOILER #1: Episodes 410 Neutron Dance - Jimmy is a cripple

It turns out Rick didn't kill Jimmy, only made his spine no longer work. After three months in the hospital, Jimmy returns to Degrassi confined to a wheelchair. His disability means he'll no longer be able to play to pursue a career basketball, so he'd better learn to rap. There aren't many jobs options open for black people.

33% Intense

SPOILER #2: Episode 411 Voices Carry Part 1

this one is really big is really fucking big, so I'm going to make you scroll down to see it.

Scroll down farther

Scroll more

Ok, grab your socks, for they will soon be knocked off

Here it is:

Degrassi Craig and Ashley have sex

Man, I didn't see this one coming. We all know that Craig is very pro sex. He is, after all, a member of the rock band The Strokes and he did get Manny pregnant. But Ashley has always come off as very anti-sex, and I would have thought she would have grown up to become a nun. So it was a surprise to see Ashley spread her legs for Craig after he bought a hotel room from them with the credit card he stole from Joey.

The single awesomest thing was seeing Craig whip out a roll of what had to contain 200 condoms. Later, he takes out the roll again and there is only about three condoms left, so we can infer Craig fucked Ashley about 200 times in a row. That's stamina only Spinner and John Stamos can match.

The hot sex scene was not shown, so the drawing above is what I imagine it looked like. No doubt the-N will edit out this scene when they air it in the US, because as far as the-N is concerned, no one ever has sex unless they are getting raped.

100% Intense

SPOILER #3: Episode 412 Voices Carry Part 2 - Craig is Mentally Insane

It turns out Craig has bipolar disorder, a mental disease with symptoms that somehow never manifested until this episode. Go figure. What was cool  was when Craig beat the shit out of Joey. Whose the man of the house now?

4% Intense - I never liked Craig, so I guess making him crazy is the way the writers are trying to make it up to me for creating such a lame character. All right Degrassi writers, so now what is your excuse for Marco, Liberty, Ellie, Wheelchair Girl, and a whole bunch of other dumb characters I don't know the name of?

SPOILER #4: Episode 412 Voices Carry Part 2  - Liberty and J.T. hook up.

This is just gross. First off, imagine how Coach Armstrong feels about Liberty cheating on him, with J.T. no less. Second off, how pathetic has J.T fallen that he needs to fall back to Liberty? The news about J.T's tiny penis must be out, making his options limited. And Liberty sure as hell can't be picky. But God dman it J.T, you were cool for while. You went up against Spinner, befriended Paige, and dropped Toby like an unloved baby. Maybe you're just using Liberty because she has a hot tub.

100% Pathetic

SPOILER #5: Episodes 413 Bark at the Moon - Spinner is dating Manny

This was partially established in the episodes that have already aired in the US, but Spinner news is always important. Spinner always has to take the girls with baggage; he dated Paige after she got raped and hooked up with Manny after she had an abortion. The thing is, Spinner can't handle virgins. His cock is just way too big, so he needs his girls to be broken in by someone else first.

12% Intense

SPOILER #6: Episodes 413 Bark at the Moon - Paige starts dating a teacher.

No, not Coach Armstrong, he's still having sex with Liberty. Paige starts dating a student teacher named Mr. O-something, and I'm not sure if that relationship would be illegal or not. Well, maybe in America, but the age of consent in Canada is only six.

What's really funny is that Hazel warns Paige against dating the teacher saying "You and older guys are not always a good match." Ha ha. The last older guy Paige was with raped her. Good one Hazel.

60% Intense

SPOILER #7: Episodes 414 & 415: Secret Part 1 & 2  - Emma gives Jay a blow job

Emma's become quite the badass since her early days of protesting GM foods and cleaning the ravine, now she's all having sex with Jay. It seems that Jay has a van in the woods where he takes girls to have sex with. That's pretty cool in itself, because it looks like Jay gets more tail than Craig and Spinner combined. he must be getting Wilt Chamberlain level of ass.

Emma really goes for giving Jay head too. She goes down on Jay so much that eventually Jay has to be like "Ok, Emma, let up for minute, I need to let my dick dry off sometime."

Here's the real kicker: Emma sucks so much dick, she gets gonorrhea--in her mouth! Ha!

3,000,000% Intense - Holy Fucking Shit! I can't even begin to measure how intense this is, so I just picked a really big number in a futile effort to sum up the intensity with mere figures.

SPOILER #8: Episodes 416 Eye of the Tiger - Spinner admits to getting Jimmy shot

Instead of being able to keep quiet and find the sight of a black man in a wheelchair amusing like old Spinner would have, new and unimproved gay Spinner admits to Jimmy that he got Rick to shoot him. For this, Spinner looses all his friends and is expelled from school. The lesson here kids, is never admit when you did a bad thing.

100% Lame Spinner

Well that's it. I don't want to go into it anymore, because we got the Kevin Smith three parter coming up soon. You're on you're own now. Look forward to seeing all these events this summer. And look forward to seeing all these jokes when I recycle them for my season 4 episode reviews.

By Billie Green