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My name is Zack and I'm your average everyday teenager. I like to go to skate, hang at the mall and oh did I mention, I'm a vampire!
Like for real dude. It all happened last year when my family went to visit relatives in Tranvslovonia. One night I was all hanging cool and the next thing I know I'm hanging upside down, like a bat! Talk about a pain in the neck! At first I thought I'd be trading my BK Knights for a cape, but really it's not all that bad. Sure I can't order garlic pizza, but I'm still just your average everyday kid.
Just like anybody else I go to school. In my case it's a special night school for high schoolers who can't go in the day. At first I was nervous but I met two kids there named Tina and Mark who are totally way past cool
Tina has brown hair and is super cute. A lot of the guys in class want to ask her out but she can be kind of intimidating. She's not dainty like the other girls, more of a tomboy. I've thought about asking her out myself but I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship. She goes to the night school because her parents work the nightshift in the ER.
Mark is a real goof. He originally moved to California from Kansas. I tell you, when he first came here he didn't know a surf board from an ironing board, but now he's catching on to the cool ways of California. He goes to the night school because he's a werewolf. Better watch out when he transforms, that's what I call a hairy situation.
Tina and Mark are the only two people at the school who know I'm a vampire. In fact aside from my parents and my bratty little sister Brianna they are the only people in the world who know. I gotta keep it a secret, who knows when some vampire hunter will decide he wants my fangs mounted over his mantle?
So now you know my deal. I'm just your average everyday 14 year old vampire who has to keep his vampirism a secret. Like I'm said, I'm just your average everyday teenager… and that was all about to change.
It all started one day at school. Tina, Mark, and I were standing in the lunch line. Well, not really lunch because it was the middle of the night. More like a midnight snack. When somebody bumped into me, knocking my trademark sunglasses off my face.
"You better not be trying to start something," I said turning around. I assumed it was my rival they bully Dirk Darvish, but it wasn't!
Whoa, I was stunned, standing there was a beauty. She was tall, lean, and her hair was so light it looked almost white.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly.
"Its no probs," I said as I smoothly picked up my sunglasses, "I should be thanking you for letting me touch such a babe." She blushed and giggled.
"My name's Zack Raddiness," I extended my hand and we shook.
Just then Marc grabbed my shoulder, "Lines moving man," he said.
I turned around, "Don't you see that I'm buzay here?"
"What do you mean?" Mark looked totally lost.
"This girl is what I mean," but when I turned back around she was gone. It's like she vanished into thin air.
"Dude, I need to know more about that girl," I said as we all sat at our table. Surrounding us were our Frito Lays© and Pepsi products™
"I didn't see a girl," Mark said, "Are you sure you weren't having some sort of day dream?"
"The only person who needs to pretend about having a girlfriend around here is you," Tina said. She and Marc were always giving each other a hard time but I knew they were friends to the end!
"I bet she is a new student," I said, "I wonder if anybody else knows about her."
"What's so special about this girl anyways," Tina said before taking a big drink of her refreshing Sierra Mist™.
"I can't really say," I told her, "There's just something in the way she move attacks me like no other."
"Ugg," Tina said, "If you try that line on her she'll definitely move. To the bathroom to puke!
"Why you!" I shook my fist and we all laughed.
The rest of the school day was nothing special. In Science class, Mr. Bimkiss messed up the experiment and made the whole lab smell like moldy cheese! That was no gouda. I kept a watch out for my mystery girl but she never showed up. Bogus!
By the end of the night I was convinced I would never see her again. I was walking out to the bus when I heard somebody walk up behind me. I turned around and there she was!
"Oh," she said as if surprised that I could hear her coming. Of course she would be surprised vampires have super hearing.
"Hey," I said smoothly, "You disappeared before."
"I had to go get my lunch," she said.
"But you were standing in the lunch line," I pointed out.
"Oh," she paused, "I mean, I had to get my lunch out of my locker. I brown bagged today."
"That makes sense," I said.
"So, how about we go to the arcade," she suggested, "In a few hours, after sunrise?"
Bogus man! Here I had a cute babe asking me to the arcade but I can't go after the sun is up. If I turned to dust then things would definitely not be going well.
"Sorry" I tried to think of an excuse, "My dog is in the hospital and I have to go visit him.'
"Really?" she sounded disappointed.
"Yeah," I rubbed the back of my neck, "He got bit by a bat with rabies." Unable to take the awkwardness I quickly said goodbye and ran away. Oh man, what I loser! Normally I'm king cool but here I was acting like king fool! I couldn't figure out what the deal was with this girl!
I got home my family was just sitting down to eat breakfast. They always get up early to spend time with me.
"Is something wrong my son?" Dad asked as he drank some delicious Sunny Delight©
"What makes you think something is wrong?" I asked trying to play cool.
"My son," dad leaned in, "a father can tell. Reveal to me your secrets."
"It's a girl," I said.
"Oh Zack has a girlfriend," my bratty sister Brianna squealed.
"I don't, that's the problem," I exclaimed.
"Well, do you want just any woman, or is there a special lady you got your eyes on," Dad drank some Sunny D©, "Cause if its just anybody you could probably use your vampire hypnotic powers on some random girl, but if its someone special you should lay on the charm. Let her know how you feel."
"That's a great idea," I said, "A great idea."
"We're putting operation ‘Girl Town' in action," I said in front of the school.
"What's that sentence even mean?" Mark asked.
"It means I'm going to charm the pants off that girl I met the other day," I pounded my fist like a vampire.
"That's gross," Tina commented, "Why are you so intense about this girl."
"Is she even real, or is this some sort of magical spell thing," Mark queried.
"What do you mean?" I queried back.
Mark explained himself, "Remember that one time you met the cute girl, and she turned out to be a werewolf, or the time Tina met the cute boy and he was a ghost, or the other time you met a cute girl and she also turned out to be a werewolf?"
"I'm not sure I'm getting your point," I screwed my face, which was tough to do while wearing my cool sunglasses.
"All I'm saying is maybe you should just let this go," he concluded.
"Are you upset that you haven't had any supernatural monsters come after you," Tina made a funny joke.
"Oh, bite me," Mark said.
"That's my job," everybody laughed some more.
At this point the bell rang and we all ran inside. You don't want to be late to Mr. Humbug's homeroom class. I might be a vampire but he's the real monster.
Once again I kept an eye out for the mystery babe, intent on finding out more about her and wowing her with my charms. During a video in gym I wrote a note on my hand
Dear Girl. I don't know your name but I know you like the arcade and apparently aren't in any of my classes. I thirst for you like a man in the dessert thirsts for a cool cold Pepsi Cola™. Due to secret circumstances I cannot see you in the day but let us make the night our own. I hope you will accept my invitation for a midnight move and a trip to Wing Street©. Your beauty is as captivating as the sound of your voice. Please let it say yes.
With sweet words like that on my side this lady would have to be dating 98 Degrees(who I hear are making a comeback with a great new greatest hits album) in order to be able to say no. Now if only I could find her!
"I totally have an idea for finding my mystery girl," I announced at lunch. We were once again seated in our normal table and enjoying delicious Pepsi© products.
"What is your plan," Mark asked.
"I'm going to hit the fire alarm," I said, "Everybody will be gathered in the parking lot and I will be able to find her."
Tina looked shocked, "Do you know how much trouble you can get in for hitting a fire alarm when there is no fire? It is both immoral and dangerous!"
"What choice do I have?" I yelled.
"You must not take part in dangerous activities just to satisfy yourself," Tina demanded, "It is wrong."
"You are right," I agreed, "I will find a way to find her that is moral and does not set a poor example. There is nothing worse then hitting the fire alarm when there is no fire."
"How about a school assembly that all people have to go to?" Mark suggested.
"How could we get that to work?" I asked.
"Leave it all up to me," said Mark, "I'll hack into the computers and make an announcement on the speakers."
"Awesome blossom!" I gave a thumb ups.
"Everybody come to the auditorium for a mandatory emergency meeting," said a robotic voice during sixth period. I grinned to myself. Marc had come through, hacking into the computer system from one of the public computers in the library.
I was walking next to Tina down to the auditorium, "This is it, I know this plan will work."
"This seems like an elaborate and pathetic way to get a girl," Tina said.
"Maybe, but I've got this burning hole in my heart that cannot be quenched until I find her."
Tina just rolled her eyes as we took out seats. The assembly wasn't going to last long. I quickly scanned the room. I didn't see her anywhere.
"What is up with this broad not showing up here man!," I shouted.
"Stop shouting Zack," the teacher said, "Or you will be getting detention until the sun comes up.
"Mama mia," I said slinking low in my seat, "That would be a spicy meat ball!"
"See you later guys," I bid farewell to my friends after school. I used my super vampire hearing to listen to them discussing how I was probably nuts and making the girl up.
"Jive turkeys," I murmured under my breath at them. They thought I was nuts just because I was spending all my time obsessing over a girl nobody else had ever seen.
"You're not calling me a jive turkey," a flirty voice said.
"Mystery girl!" I jumped in a circle. There she was, here again, at the bus stop.
"Hello," she said.
"You weren't at that impromptu assembly that I had no part in creating," I explained.
"Ah, yes," she stammered, "I had an appointment. At the dentist. That's why I wasn't there."
"I see," I stroked my chin, "That sounds like a plausible excuse, extremely plausible."
"You seem suspicious," she said.
"Its just that you never appear to be in school," I said, "Nobody ever sees you but me. Also you haven't ever told me your name.
"Yes I have," she said.
"No you haven't," I said back at her.
"Why yes I have," she said back to me, "The first time we met."
"No you have not," I used my vampire memory to recall the event. It seemed suspicious that she would lie like that. She must be trying to hide something.
"My name is Gretta. Gretta Drurppenoodle."
"Indeed," I said.
"We should get together some time," she said, "Perhaps at the pizzeria nearby. The one that uses a lot of garlic on their pizza."
"Garlic," I stuck out my tongue, "That stuff makes my head swim."
"So, you don't like garlic," she mused.
"Do you," I deflected.
"Um, no I don't."
"That means we have something in common," I smoothly looked over the top of my sunglasses at her. I could tell she was swooning even though she didn't look any different.
"We might have something else in common too," she winked, "You seem like the kind of guy who prefers the nightlife."
"You could say they," I grinned.
"I enjoy the nightlife as well," she said, "If you know what I mean."
"I think I'm getting what you're saying," could it be true? Could this lady also be a vampire?
"I gotta go," she said, "But I want to meet you. Come see me at this address," Greta handed me a folded piece of paper. Then she ran off while I watcher her go. I enjoyed watching her leave.
"Father I need some advice," I sat down at the kitchen table.
"What is it my son," he finished his glass of Sunny Delight™ and looked at me intently.
"A mysterious girl who I suspect is a vampire wants me to meet her tomorrow night. I should bring flowers right?" I proposed to him.
"I don't know if I am comfortable with you meeting with mysterious vampire girls," Dad poured another thirst quenching glass of Sunny Delight™, now with extra Calcium.
"Dad, don't be a buzzkill, this girl could be the one," I told him.
"Your only fourteen, you don't know anything about love," he said sternly, his mustache waggling.
"I finally meet somebody who might get me and you just stand in our way," I jumped to my feet knocking over my chair, "You don't get it. You don't know what its like to be young, and a vampire. I stormed off to my room, wrapping my cape around myself in a dramatic fashion.
Dad came up later and explicitly told me I was forbidden from going to see Greta. To bad his parenting books forgot to mention one thing, I'm a vampire. When nightfall came I took the form of a fine mist and drifted out the window. Score one for bad weather sealing.
I arrived at the address. I was dressed in my finest duds and had a bouquet of flowers I bought at the all night flower depository. I was on my way to the best date of my life.
I arrived at the address Greta gave me. At first I was puzzled because it appeared to be an abandoned house. Then I realized she is probably one of those vampires who live in an abandoned house. That checked out then. I knocked and I heard her call, "Come in."
"This sure is a nice abandoned house," I said as I walked in, pushing aside some cobwebs and debris.
"Thanks; I just moved in," she replied, "I have to go get something out of my washer, why don't you come into the living room."
I entered the living room and took a seat on the couch. Clouds of dust flew up as I came down, "So how is it going?"
"It's good," she said.
"So, something from the washer?" I was trying to make conversation.
"Yes, something from the washer. Nothing suspicious at all," she then added, "I made some sweet tea and cookies if you want them."
Cookies and sweet tea! Mama mia I knew at once she was no vampire. I jumped off the couch just seconds before a trap sprung a cage over it. Then Greta came jumped into the room. She was wearing camouflage fatigues, a black tank top and had two ammo belts criss-crossed across her chest but instead of ammo the ammo belts had stakes on them, so I guess they would be stake belts not ammo belts. She was also holding a crossbow with a stake loaded into it and had a knapsack on her back which I guess was filled with other vampire hunter supplies.
"What's the dillio?" I asked shocked at this completely unexpected, although foreshadowed outcome.
"I am a vampire hunter, and I have come to stop your evil," Greta said.
"What's up with that, your only a teenager," I said.
"That may be so, but I was trained by the best vampire hunter ever, Simone Beltmont, my father," she announced.
"Oh bogus," I said. That was totally the vampire hunter who had come after me in my previous adventure, ‘Suburban Vampire: The Caterer Caper' and was totally crushed when I threw him in a trash compacter.
"I am back for revenge," Greta announced.
"This is all a misunderstanding," I said, "I didn't mean to take him out, he was coming after me, it was self defense."
"I don't care," Greta fired a stake at me, which I dodged with ease.
"Wow babe, that's one sharp tongue you have there," I quipped.
"Die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die," Greta screamed shooting more stakes at me. I thought her sanity might be waning. I ran out of the living room and up the stairs. Greta chased me screaming the word die a few more times.
"I gotta figure something out, or else I'll end up looking like Swiss cheese," I said to nobody in particular. I ran into the bathroom and shut the door.
"Occupied," I said as Greta pounded her fists against the door's hard wood. She did not seem amused.
"Let me in so I can kill you and set your soul on fire," Greta demanded. Not that I was going to do what she said. She was wacko.
"Beat it wacko," I said, "My vampire door holding abilities mean you will never get in.
"Forget fang banger," Greta sneered, "I just have to wait until daylight. Then you'll be nothing more then toasted vampire."
Egad she was right. All she had to do was stand outside the bathroom and wait for the sun to come up. Without my coffin I would be a goner. That is your final answer. I needed an alternate route or I would end up the alternate side of living, not living.
"Listen Greta, I'm sorry," I called through the door, "You're right. I must pay the price for your father's fate. My hubris was too strong and I acted the fool."
I heard Greta sigh and the lock clicked. "I am coming out," I announced, "Help me find retribution." I exited the bathroom and Greta was standing, crossbow drawn, but she looked different. The rage was replaced with sadness. Her aggression was gone. She resembled a child who had gotten into a fight with a best friend over a toy. I had her where I wanted her.
"Shoot me," I raised my arms, "Make me feel your pain."
Greta feebly raised her weapon but her heart was not in it. It was a fool's errand to even try.
"I can't do it," Greta started to cry; "I can't do to you what I hate you for."
"No you can't," I leapt at her knocked the crossbow out of her hands, "because you're a stupid bitch!" My fangs sank deep into Greta's unprotected neck. The crimson flow of blood gushed forward like a dam had been broken. I drank long of her life force allowing her essence to completely rejuvenate me. Her body quickly went limp in my arms; I let her drop like a discarded candy wrapper. That was all she was to me, garbage. The failed casing to be consumed by a superior being.
After having my fill I let the rest of her subsistence spill onto the floor. It was too good to remain in the body of such a failure. I nailed her carcass upside down to the wall by the feet. I then drove nails into her hands creating an inverted crucifix which I surrounded with a pentagram of her blood. A few words of Latin and her soul was damned to an eternity of hell fire. I then left the scene. Making sure it remained was a warning to whoever found it. They would not tread against the forces of darkness.
Monday before school I saw Tina and Marc running up to me.
"How did your date go," Marc excitedly asked, his hand in his pocket
"I bet you guys did all kind of gross stuff, like French kiss," Tina added, "French kissed with your shirts off, covered in oil and sweat," she absentmindedly rubbed her chest.
"It wasn't quite like that," I said taking a step back.
"Did it go alright?" Marc asked.
"Marc my man," I put my arm around him, "If I told you how it went I don't think you would believe it."
We all had a laugh as we walked to class. We couldn't be late you know. That day we got homework, talked about video games during lunch and took a test. Nothing unusual, after all, I'm just your average everyday teenager.