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Hamtaro, Private Eye

Hamtaro, Private Eye

My cousin borrows Naruto books from the library quite frequently. Naruto are magma, not an actual books. My cousin insists they are books, but I point out that they have more pictures than words. I also tell her (daily) that, unlike Naruto, you couldn't read a real book with that many pages in twenty minutes while the TV is on. Then I throw dirt in her hair because she's a smelly dumb girl.

The last time she was reserving magma on the library website, I insisted she search for Hamtaro. It seems like a lot of anime from Japan have magma or video game tie-ins, and I hoped there was a world of Hamtaro literature I had yet to explore. Turns out the library only had a single children's book. I made my cousin reserve it. She was like, "Why do you want a children's book?" but I gave her a noogie until she cried and agreed to put it on her library card.

Two days later, she came back from the library with a stack of Naruto and my Hamtaro book (I almost never leave our house). The next day, she asked for the Hamtaro book back so she could check out another Naruto. I told her to shove it. She asked why I still needed that book, and I told her to not question her elders. She probably thought it was taking me a few days to get through, but in reality, I was looking around the house for the cord that connects the scanner to the computer. Right now she is working on an important display for school, while I am in my robe and sweatpants reviewing Hamtaro, Private Eye.

Hamtaro, Private Eye

Bijou is sad because she lost her jewelry. Oxnard is pretending to be sad so he can get close to her. Hamtaro is sad that someone else is making a move on his lady.

Hamtaro, Private Eye

The scanner put these yellow stains in the pages. I assure you that they are not in the actual book. Unless my aunt's scanner has one of those detectors that TV news programs use to show you how many hidden urine and semen stains are in hotel rooms. In that case, I want whoever peed all over a children's book brought to justice.

"Get a warrant for everyone on that due date card. I want urine samples!"
"We got a problem, Frank. The library is refusing to hand over their records."
"What! Are you telling me this library isn't going to help us find the sick perp who peed all over one of their children's books? That children read?"
"We have to protect the privacy of our patrons first and foremost."
"Unacceptable! You are impeding a police investigation! I was looking forward to tracking down the perp and yelling at him in the interrogation room."
"We're just going to throw the book away, anyway. We deal with this all the time. Christians are constantly defacing our gay books, and sex ed books, and science books. And it was probably just a little kid who did it. Kids accidentally pee on things all the time."
"Why is the library always busy, but no one ever reads? Ever notice that?"

I guess I can believe that Boss pees all over the clubhouse. He is a feral hamster, after all.

Hamtaro, Private Eye

Boss's belly button looks like a surgery scar.

Hamtaro, Private Eye

Oh no! The killer is one of us!

Hamtaro, Private Eye

I swear I didn't draw those. You can't prove a thing.

Hamtaro, Private Eye

Boss is such a lazy asshole. He messes up someone's bed and then says he's done searching. Well, I think it's his bed since he is the only one who lives in the clubhouse. It's still lazy.

Hamtaro, Private Eye

Man, I wish Brandy the dog was a bigger part of the show. Also, I don't understand the angles of the Ham-Hams. From the front, they look like they have flat faces, but when you see their profiles, they have large snouts. Those two sides of their heads don't look like they belong to the same animal.

Hamtaro, Private Eye

I want to know who manufactures these tiny tools. Maybe they are doll toys, in which case that hammer is plastic and useless. Also the book is just a block that doesn't open up. Maxwell is such a poseur intellectual.

Hamtaro, Private Eye

"Boss, I think you should leave." "But this is my house." "Don't make this hard, Boss."

Hamtaro, Private Eye

This reminds me of when my babysitter used to read me Gumby storybooks and feed me some kind of syrup when I was little. Then he said there was a tunnel monster up my butt and he had to catch it. I don't remember much after that.

Hamtaro, Private Eye

Oh shit! It's a teddy bear!

Hamtaro, Private Eye

I'm glad Boss didn't beat up little Pennelope with that shovel.

Hamtaro, Private Eye

No baby would be stupid enough to copy you, Maxwell. Except the part where they poop their pants.

Hamtaro, Private Eye

It looks like Penelope is wearing a condom.

Hamtaro, Private Eye

God I fucking hate Maxwell. The reason Hamtaro will never be anywhere near as popular as Pokemon has to be Maxwell. No child wants a fucking Maxwell plush or to collect Maxwell in a video game. His head is all stretched out and weird and so is his personality. Fuck, Maxwell, fuck that guy.

Hamtaro, Private Eye Hamtaro, Private Eye

Well, they did learn to keep an eye on their stuff for now on, too. Support your local library.

Grade: D-
This sucked. Aren't children's book supposed to teach some sort of lesson? What the hell was the lesson of this book? To not accuse others without proof? To not steal? To keep an eye on little children? I'm sorry to say, but I think this book was phoned in. Come on Hamtaro Inc, you guys needs to step up your game. If you can't become as popular as Dragonball Z, I'm never going to get Hamtaro: The Movie in 3-D, in which the Ham-Hams have to battle Lord Catitcus for control of the universe and join together to form Mecha-Hamtaro, the giant fighting hamster robot.