Ask Noah

Part of my duties as Youth Coordinator involve proving advice to the church's youth. I believe I can know provide advice over the internet. If you would like me to answer your questions about life, happiness or God, you may either ask me via email, or you may post a question to my Formspring page.

Recent Questions

Have sex with me. asked by tayswizzle

No, I have a wife who I have signed a contract with her, GOD, my pastor, and her parents to only have relations with her and no other solely for the purpose of bearing children. However, this limits the amount of time I may have intercourse. I am going to consult with Pastor Rhineland about the possibility of surgically removing my wife's uterus. I have prayed on this, and Jesus is telling me that giving her a hysterotomy will remove her ability to bear children and therefor lift the restriction that we only have relations for the purpose of making babies.

Are you sure you are not gay?

I am sure because GOD does not hate me.

Do you like m&ms?

I only eat sugar free chocolate. Consuming that much sweetness is a sign of glutony.

Can You please die? Who likes an idiot Christian like you?

Jesus likes me. He likes me a whole bunch!

When's the last time you did it?

The last time I updated this website was 3 months ago! Oh me oh my!

WHY IS IT OK FOR YOU A GROWN MAN TO BE MARRIED TO A 17 YR OLD GIRL??????

She wasn't 17 when we got married.

Hey hun, I'm a 19 year old homosexual male and I just lost my virginity to my first boyfriend. A hot, hispanic stocky guy, my height, with dark features. He's hot hot facial hair and a hairy chest. My god, I love to suck on his nipples. Am I sinning?

Yes. Yes u r sining. I m srry i can't type well rite now bcause i m only uisng 1 hand. go 2 chuch. run 2 church now!

Degrassi seems to contradict all of the views of the church. Why, as a committed Christian, do you watch a show that only promotes negative values?

Of the six episodes I have watched, only two try to contradict Christian values.

At one point, Manny's dad called her a slut and kicked her out of the house. But, she had been dressing like that for quite awhile, long before the plastic surgeon ever called (I assume ma kept the abortion a secret from him, since he is so spazzy).

As a good Christian, Manny parents would have loved their daughter unconditionally and worked to persuade her away from her sinful, freewheeling lifestyle to the loving, judgmental arms of Christian living. However, there is only so much a parent can do for their children. And if a child is still rebellious and disobedient at age 16, often the only thing left to do is to cast the child out of the home in hopes she will repent. It worked well for all five of my sisters.

Would Marco become less gay if he had sex with Ellie? If no, is it because she is a Goth? Or because it is a Sin outside of marriage?

Ellie is a Satanist. Marco would earn a one way ticket to H-E-Double Hockey Stick!

Do you consider masturbation a sin? If so what are jesus approved premarital ways to pleasure myself?

Yes, masturbation is a sin. Double if you are a woman. There only way to have Jesus approve is to get married and then do a missonary position to make a baby. Jesus will be with you, watching and approving.

What the [bleep] is a Jezebel? That answered none of my questions.

According to my Google internet, Jezebel is a website where women complain about other women and also about sexism, and fail to comprehend the hypocrisy in that.

What Do You Think Of Paige from Degrassi? Do you like that she dated Spinner for so long? How feel about her rape? Did you build the Arc?
asked by jessicuhx33

Paige is a Jezebel.

Is the television show "Jon and Kate Plus 8" wholesome Christian entertainment?

I enjoyed it before it became just Kate Plus 8. You want me to watch an umarried mother! No way, mister!

My boyfriend said when two people are in love they should have sex, and marriage is just a piece of paper. Then he asked me some questions about my menstrual cycle and when my "safe days" were. He's coming over tonight. Do you think he wants to have sex?

I doubt it. A heterosexual man would not be interested in a woman's cycle.

What do you think about the character Spinner from Degrassi?

I think he is a fine young Christian man. It is good he is friends with the boy in the wheelchair and tries to tell others about Christ. I hope he marries Darcy and they have many children.

Do you think you could hit a 10 on www.10ornot.com ? I think you're really really cute and could get there in like a day...but do you think you could?

My computer cannot open http://on www.10ornot.com. I get an error message.

I love you

I love you too Christian friend.

i got sent to the principals office after praying in homroom and teling the headscarf islamic girl that she should pray to godtoo. i lectured her about jesus and she got "upset" someone mentioned something about the aclu. wat do i do ?

Fear not, young Christian warrior. While the current Supreme Court says you can go to jail for praying in school, PRESIDENT GEORGE W BUSH was able to place several pro-God Justices onto the Court. Sadly, more liberal Justices did not pass away during the years from 2001-2009.

I want to find a good Christian wife, but I'm having lots of trouble finding candidates! All the women at my church are either taken or their phone numbers change after I call them a couple times. What should I do? I'm 34.

I feel for you, my brother. I am 32, myself and only married last year to my 17 year old wife. Like you, I had difficulty finding a proper mate as a young man. Most women today are far too interested in their careers and speaking out of turn, rather than submitting to their man as God commands. Many women even have carnal desires as strong as men!

Thankfully, I partook of an interfaith singles courtship program my church participates in. There I found my dear, sweet Cassandra. She is now home schooled by me, so I may properly keep her away from the sins and temptations of the secular world. She spends the days attending to my home, as God wishes her to.

I would recommend seeking a mate outside your own church, in a nearby congregation that holds the same values as yours. Many parents have a teenage daughter they would love to sign custody over to a good, Christian man.

What do you think of Catholics?

It's a silly thing, the worshipping of the beeds and the Pope.

What is your favorite degrassi character? Alternatively which one do you hate the least?

I have only seen a few episodes of Degrassi. However, out of the hundreds and hundreds of characters on the show, I would say I enjoy Linus the most. Hate is a strong word. I do not hate any of the characters, but do sometimes want to pray for young, misguided Manny and Marco.

I was born into a Jewish family, but I want out. Their beady eyes and hook noses even make me want to take my own life! How do I escape their claw-like clutches for good and worship Christ freely?

I understand your depression. Jewishness promotes depression in its followers through worship of the Holocaust and promotion of Woody Allen. Remember that even though you were born a Jew, Jesus still loves you, even if he's a bit disappointed. Luckily, Jesus doesn't hold a grudge and will accept you if you accept him as your Lord and Savior. Contact your local Baptist church. If you explain your dilemma, a good Christian will listen and help teach you to accept Christ. It sounds like your parents would not approve of your conversion to Christianity. Luckily, most Baptist churches will be willing to Baptist your in secret. Many churches also have (Protestant) lawyers available to help legally emancipate you from your Jewish parents and place you in a loving Christian home.

Are you really religious? Or is this just a ~hilarious~ joke?
by JTgotStabbed

I am a practicing Baptist. For jokes I enjoy the safe humor of Mr. Jay Leno.

Are you married?

My wife's name is Cassandra. She is 17.

What are the best and worst episodes of Degrassi?

I have only seen 4 episodes of Degrassi so far. I dislike most of them.

I have a Hindu or Muslim (I can't tell them apart) friend that I want to save from the fires of hell. How do I get her to accept Christ into her heart?

Bring a Bible to your friends house and offer to teach them about Jesus. If they insist on remaining a heretic, remind them that Eastern religions are a form of Satanism. If your first discussion proves unable to convert your heathen friend, be sure to print off one of our conversion pamphlets I have created on behalf of Baptist Trinity Church, and leave it in a your friend's living room. Print off additional copies for to place in his bedroom, kitchen, bathroom, and stuff a few in his dresser. Remember, he may be frustrated at you, but you are saving his soul, so he owes you.

What kind of fun activities do you plan as a youth coordinator?

Currently 50% pizza parties, 50% group discussion with young men about the sin of masturbation.

How do you feel about Dumbledore being gay?

What is a Dumbledore? Is he happy or a practicing homosexual? If he is happy, good for him! If Dumbledore is gay, then I am gay for him!

However, if Dumbledore believes he is a homosexual, he is merely confused. No one is really a homosexual because people are made by God to make babies for God and homosexuals can't make babies, so God does not love them. If Dumbledore is your friend, I suggest you inform him about Baptist Trinity's re-orientation therapy camp, True Directions, for confused youth. We hold it every summer, and our 2010 Pray the Gay Away Program begins in June. We use a mixture of the Bible, praying, counseling and corporal punishment to turn those who think they are gay back into heterosexuals.

Our re-orientation program has a 100% success rate.