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The Web BtC

Mailbag #30

Date: 11.01.2010
From: Talia J
Subject: stuff

Hi,
Your site is really quite funny. I'm glad you review glee as well as degrassi.
A few things
1) I bet Anya is going to be the next CW star, she white and skinny and going to graduate soon.
2)in that giant list of shows you'd never review, they all suck excpet for pretty little liars, you might actually enjoy that one cause like they killed a girl and sleep with teachers.
thats really it
Tally

I don't know if the CW will be recruiting from Degrassi anymore. It probably won't be long until the CW is forced to merge with NBC. Neither of those two mini-networks have a single show in the top 40 Nielsen ratings, and both are probably on shaky financial ground. Conan O'Brien moved from NBC to TBS and that was an upgrade for him. Perhaps a combined NBCW may one day be able to compete as a major network.

The kid who plays Declan was cast on a Fox show set to air in 2011. It will be called Terra Nova and Steven Spielberg is one of the producers. SeaQuest DSV was also produced by Spielberg and, from what I remember watching reruns on the Sci-Fi channel in middle school, it was pretty good. Unfortunately, it's a science fiction show on Fox, so if it is any good and not named The X-Files, it will be on for no more than two seasons before being cancelled, and the main storyline will be left unresolved. Fans will start an online petition to kepp the show on air, but it will be ignored. Turns out Fox doesn't care about your little online petition to keep Firefly/Sarah Connor/Arrested Development/Greg the Bunny/Dollhouse on the air.

Fox is the broadcast network that specializes in producing really unique comedies and dramas and then cancelling them when the first episode is not a huge ratings hit. At least they are the only broadcast network that airs prime time animation. As long as it's a cartoon by Seth MacFarlane. Seriously, Family Guy is alright, but why did they give this guy three fucking shows? The Simpsons is the only non-MacFarlane show on Sundays only because it is grandfathered in. If The Simpsons had been pitched to Fox in 2010 rather than 1989, Fox would never had bought it. "What, why is their skin yellow? And what's with everyone having a googly-eyes and an overbite? The dad should have a chin that looks like balls and stop caring so much about his kids. He needs to be about ten times more drunk and irresponsible. And why does the baby never speak ever? Or the dog? And why do you have stories in your episodes instead of a bunch of random cut scenes? This show is stupid. It will never work. We're going to pass."

Date: 11.01.2010
From: Helen
Subject: [no subject]

Hey, Billie, or Billy, or however you spell your name. (I'm slightly conscious of the fact that there's another guy on your website.... Johnny, i think? but honestly, I don't know much about you, considering the only things I really read on your guys's website are the degrassi and glee episode reviews)

I don't know why I'm writing this, mostly because I'm insanely bored. But I guess i just wanted to say that i really admire you. Actually, you remind me a lot of myself, just much older (i actually dont quite know how old you are, but whenever i read your reviews I imagine you as a 20-something, perez hilton-type fat guy who spends his days with his butt implanted on the couch, which a bag of chips and a laptop handy), much more inappropriate-- using jokes i would never even dream of repeating in front of my extremely asian parents (next to whom i can't even watch kissing scenes in movies)--, and much, MUCH more cynical.

But you look at the world (or at least at tv shows, as the reviews are the only source of knowledge i have about you) in the same way as I do. At a party, you'd probably be the guy sitting in the corner, making fun of everyone in the room.

You're one of the two people I truly admire (the other being James Roday, who plays Shawn Spencer on USA's Psych, one of the best shows ever. He's kind of like you, witty, clever, funny, but even when he's being sarcastic and insulting, it's in a charming and lovable way. Whereas you sound like someone who is sneering and scornful all the time.

okay, I'm done. I'm tired of writing now. I have a very short attention span, and you really should be flattered that I've managed to write such a long (by my definitions) letter to you.

Thank you. That was really sweet of you to tell me that. The way you complimented me and then insulted me while complimenting me again reminded me of my mother.

FYI: I am not overweight by Michigan standards. 5'6" and 270 pounds is perfectly skinny for up here. I don't need no motorized scooter to get around the grocery store with! I can get my Jimmy Dean breakfast, lunch, brunch, dinner, midnight snack, 3am snack and mid-morning sausages using my leg power.

I'd assume I would be the person at a party sitting in the corner and giggling. However, to find out, I would have to be invited to a party. I will have to watch Psych someday, since this person is so much more likable than me.

Date: 11.09.2010
From: Heather P
Subject: wassup dude

omg i love degrassi i watch it everyday i think munro chambers is sexy

You shouldn't watch Degrassi everyday.

Date: 11.10.2010
From: Nichelle M
Subject: [No Subject]

okay sooo I sweat your website  even though you guys are hella racist and sometimes nasty you guys do see the light in somethings like for instance I don't understand either why everyone sweats "Eclare"  but Ellies  the reason why the schools like that now I mean instead of getting mad at fiz they should be beating the shit out of Ellie and then maybe he will have something to be depressed about...I mean all he does is bitch about Julie all the day I mean either go make Clare dress just like her Or Shut the hell up!!!!!

Ellie sucks ass. The only reason dudes aren't beating Ellie up after school for what he did is they know he is a psycho who would not hesitate to set any of their houses on fire. I bet he killed his ex-girlfriend for the insurance money.

If you thought I was racist before, you should hear me now that I have black neighbors.

Ha ha I kid. I don't mind the black neighbors. It's the Mexican neighbors I really hate.

Date: 11.13.2010
From: Sierra C
Subject: IT'S ME. Again.

What's the significance of the uniforms? They're not used for any plots...and it doesn't keep people from being stabbed, or almost stabbed. Unless these uniforms have, like, knife-proof fabric or something?

Sigh.

So are there any Asian students at Degrassi now? That new Media Immersion teacher doesn't count as a student, does she? If she doesn't, since Leia's been given the good ol' Kendra...

then where are all the Asians?

Spinner should make a guest appearance. And kick someone's ass.

Like Dave's. I hate Dave. Who effing tasers a guy to look cool for the basketball team? I mean, I realize it has all of the black men in Canada besides Shanty on it, but still.

So my third, or fourth, I don't fucking know question to you: Who's ass would get the bittersweet achievement of being kicked by Spinner if he were to come back for a guest appearance?

And what would he say?

Go ahead and write a script for that entire scene when or if he comes back for a cameo. You know you want to.

- yay lesbians

The uniforms are color-coded. Each grade has its own color. Seniors wear blue, juniors wear red, and purple is for sophomores. Chante wears blue, so we finally know which grade she is in. She will still be a high student for five more years.

I don't think Canada has any Asians. Oh wait, Pakistan is part of Asia, so Alli and Sav are Asians. Or did I just BLOW YOUR MIND?

The actor who plays Spinner is too busy to appear on Degrassi. He is off doing a Lifetime movie or Disney Channel show or something.

I did not mention this in my review, but if Mini-Connor tasered me, I would have the little garden gnome arrested. Not only should he be expelled because he attacked a student on school grounds, but he assaulted another kid with a weapon he stole from a cop car. The only reason White Connor didn't press charges and tell Mr. Simpson is because he is really desperate to have a friend.

Yeah, I know there is harmless razing guys do to each other, but that was way worse. Just for an exercise, picture your high school. Now picture the student who is most likely to assault a nerd with a taser. Isn't he just the biggest psycho dirtbag you know? Did he even make it to senior year without getting expelled or arrested?

Date: 11.15.2010
From: dillion m
Subject: Watership

Hey Johnny, not sure if you remember me, but I pm'ed you over your watership down episode reviews.

Just wondering when you'll make some more reviews.

Johnny's gone, man. Johnny's gone.

Date: 03.08.2010
From: Jared
Subject: The Wizard blog entry -- http://www.dumbbaby.net/a/224.shtml

*64. There is a TV with a Nintendo inside a restaurant table*

Man, I know Nintendo was huge back in the day, and I understand having arcade games in every building we see, but this is ridiculous. Did TVs hooked up to video game consoles sitting under restaurant tables ever really exist anywhere other than in our wildest dreams? Those aren’t even practical. Having to look straight down is going to be a pain on the neck and keeping your food from covering up the TV will be hard when you have other people at the table. But according to The Wizard, people don’t want to do anything other than play video games all day. _____________

Billy,

Yes!!  We had those in Keller, TX, which is a suburb of the Dallas / Fort Worth area.  I remember distinctly seeing transparent glass pizza parlor table tops with CRTs underneath.  I can't clearly remember seeing one with only 1 screen(most had two for multiplayer games), but I think they did exist.  They were usually angled appropriately so you could sit at your table, eat, and play all at the same time.  The coin insert slots were at the end of the table exposed to the walkways.

The thing that blew me away was that it was Ninja Gaiden in The Wizard's table video game setup.  First of all, I've never seen Ninja Gaiden at an arcade, and don't even know if it was ever on the arcade platform.

Cheers!  Please update the blog about the 100 best things about The Wizard...

-Jared H

This was an email sent to my personal inbox about our article "The 100 Greatest Moments of The Wizard" written back in 2006. Johnny conceived of it as a parody of Progressive Boink, a humor website that used to write a lot about pop culture, but now mostly does sports based humor, so I do not understand the jokes. Of course, since Johnny doesn't know how to code a webpage or use Photoshop, I had to construct the damn thing.

We don't plan to update a four-year-old article. We covered as much of that damn movie as we possibly could. It is interesting to learn that the TV-in-a-table video game setups did exist, as stupid as they had to be.

Date: 11.18.2010
From: Ivan R
Subject: match up Robin

can you set me up with johnny Dimarco please i want to date johnny  be his baby and be his Girlfriend.

Robin m

A few years ago, we had that crazy guy named Andrew W email us all the time about how much he loved Terri. It was disgusting how he kept sharing his fat fetish with us. I guess Andrew stopped emailing us after he married his aunt and had no time for Degrassi. Ivan or Robin, whoever this is, is the new Andrew W. We get a email from him or her every month asking Johnny DiMarco for a date.

One, Johnny DiMarco is a fictional character. I don't even know the name of the actor who plays him.

Two, we are not affiliated with Degrassi. We are a humor site that makes fun of the show. I think Ivan or Robin is confused because he or she searched for Degrassi on Google and found that we have more content about the show than any site out there, including the official TeenNick and VH-1 Canada websites.

Three, why does this person email us constantly, but never checks the mailbag where will tell him or her that we can't set them up on a date with a fictional character?

Date: 11.22.2010
From: 慧
Subject: 夯!!!讓你意想不到的流行生活日用品全面低價八折再加送!!還可兼差喔!

Subject: 夯!!!讓你意想不到的流行生活日用品全面低價八折再加送!!還可兼差喔! 你好!很開心點開此文件看我們發出的訊息!若有造成你的不悅請多包涵!

絕無僅有的安全性產品,不可思議的超低價,便宜絕對有好貨。錯過了----保証您後悔---限時限量廣告產品。請幫忙傳閱--謝謝!!

  免資金.免囤貨.免加盟金.無須上課.加入會員打八折.歡迎批發!!

What the hell kind of dumb writing is this, Ewok? It looks like Ewok. Why would the Ewoks want to get in touch with me?

What--what is that? You want me to marry Wicket Warrick and live on the forest moon of Endor as his wife? Where we will rule as king and queen of the Ewoks? I accept! Yes! Yes! A thousand times YES!!!

Date: 11.24.2010
From: Caterina
Subject: marquette

I just want to ask you a quick question because I'm curious, and quite frankly, extremely bored.

Did you go to Marquette University?... Don't worry, I'm not a stalker even though it may seem like it. I'm asking you this because I was reading the beginning of Jodie Sweetin's book Unsweetined, and she writes about how she was "nose-deep in a pile of cocaine" all night and how in the morning she had to catch a flight to Milwaukee to tell a bunch of college kids of how great it felt to overcome her addiction, and I also read your article about how you met Jodie at your school and you say you live somewhere in Michigan so I just made a connection.

P.S. love the reviews. keep it up because if you stop I won't have anything to do at 4 in the morning other than drink until I vomit :]

Johnny and I are from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Our largest town is also called Marquette, which may confuse you. It did for George Wretard Bush when he came to the city of Marquette in 2004 to campaign for re-election. The Daily Show actual did a short bit on his visit, noting that he may not have known which Marquette he was in.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Where am I?
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical HumorThe Daily Show on Facebook

It's pretty much a filler bit but I was still excited that Jon Stewart mentioned a town in the Upper Peninsula. I like it when a famous person acknowledges anything about the Upper Peninsula that isn't Mackinac Island. I just need to be assured from time to time that the rest of the country knows we exist.

I was in school and working a summer job at the time. My boss, who for some reason assumed I was a Republican, asked me if I was driving to Marquette to see the president. I told him I was scheduled to work that day.

Jodie Sweetin must have toured lots of colleges. Johnny was the one who saw her speech. He told me that he was told that Jodie Sweetin asked the student newspaper reporter who interviewed her where she could get some drugs afterward. I think Jodie Sweetin's college tour was just a clever ploy to travel the country to score drugs. Possibly for free. I think any drug dealer in college would let Stephanie Tanner get high with them for free.

Date: 12.01.2010
From: Anna P
Subject: more degrassi cast on the cw

I just wanted to inform you that yet another degrassi cast memeber has joined the cw! Except this time it's not a girl. Strange right? It's Landon Liboiron who plays Delcan in case you didn't know, which you probably didn't because you don't seem to pay much attention to degrassi now a days. Anyway, he's on the show Life Unexpected. It's pretty good but I don't know why I'm saying this because I know you're never going to watch it.

Exactly, I will not watch the CW. I am in my mid-20s which makes me far too old to watch anything on the CW. I used to enjoy the network when it was the WB and had Buffy and Gilmore Girls and Pinky & the Brain, but those days are gone like my innocence.

Yeah, yeah, I watch Degrassi, but I watched it back when I was in high school, so it's grandfathered in. Also, I would like to point out, I have been making fun of Degrassi since the first episode I saw.

Date: 12.16.2010
From: Laura S
Subject: BTC

Just wanted to say I freaking love this site.  It never fails to crack me up.  Naturally I wish there were more updates (bios, reviews etc...) but I'll take what I can get.  Your site got me through my finals this semester =)  Totally gave me something to look forward to as a reward for studying!  Keep up the awesome work!

It's a good thing we got you through winter finals because there won't be any new episodes of Degrassi until February. I know, I am happy about that too. Unfortunately, Glee also will not be returning until that month. That sucks.
Date: 12.25.2010
From: Erin T
Subject: Skins is not in the shitty teen drama category.

Hey guys,

In your "It Looks Like Youve Made It" article for Nina Dobrev, it kind of made me puke in my mouth when you mentioned Skins in the same sentence as 90210 and Gossip Girl. I was actually one of the people who asked you to review Skins, because Skins is 1000% INTENSE. The acting is much better than any other teen drama. The kids are terribly but realistically dysfunctional and actually in the 16-18 age range, instead of hot 25 year olds riding in limos and drinking martinis while claiming to be sophomores in high school. The British accents are a plus too.

-Erin

You were one of 144,000 who asked us to review Skins last year. I don't know. If I am going to review a British show, that it will be The Benny Hill Show. That was an awesome show because every sketch was just Benny Hill trying to perve on women.