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Sex Ed

Research has found that the majority of our reading audience have not hit puberty yet. Because of this, I have decided it is my duty to watch and review several sex ed videos, as a service so you, the prepubescent audience, so you can know which ones are the best for learning about your strange changing body. Let us begin with a classic from the 70s. Schools never show any educational film that was made more recently then the 70s so this is the most cutting edge video we have available.

Are any of us?

"Am I Normal" is the story of young Jimmy and his best friends, Tony and Barry, who go through puberty together. He asks the hard pressing question, am I normal. Jimmy first notices things changing when everybody gets interested in sex.

Of course ,that interest probably stems from the fact that Tony got his hands on Great Moments in Sex, a book that totally exists I am sure. According to the book the biggest erection ever was two feet long. It belonged to every insecure middle school boy ever.

It certainly pleasured their girlfriend. You never met her, she lives in Canada.

So Jimmy experiences the normal puberty problems, like getting a boner when being asked out. And then discussing it with his friends. He asks if he is normal. You brought up your boner in the locker room with all your friends. No that is not normal.

What is normal is awkwardly asking your father who will explain sex using confusing baseball metaphors while sitting in a chair that looks exactly like the one I have in my foyer.

Finally, in desperation, Jimmy goes to the library where he reads a book that contains a cartoon about puberty.

I think I have a new avatar for the forumatorium.

Because these are perfectly normal boys, and video games haven't been invented yet, Jimmy and his friends go to the zoo to look at animal penises. Jimmy is afraid that his penis is smaller then the animals, but luckily the friendly zoo keeper is there to tell him about boners.

Wait what?

"Let's face it in this job I see a lot of penises," the friendly zookeeper says.

Are we sure this isn't a stranger danger film?

Actually the zookeeper is talking about animal penises. Or so he says. Maybe I would believe him if he wasn't shooting eye lasers at Jimmy's crotch.

Anyways Creepy the Zookeeper tells Jimmy that the size of a penis doesn't matter its what you do with it. Jimmy goes back to his friends and proceeds to give them a lecture about how its normal to be curious about your body, his erections, wet dreams, and a lot of inappropriate zoo talk.

After Jimmy finishes his speech a crowd of zoo patrons has formed around him and started applauding. Either the 70s had too many drugs, or all other decades didn't have enough.

So What Did I Learn

Surprisingly informative. I learned that you can't pee when you ejaculate and that its normal to masturbate or not masturbate. Just don't masturbate under the bleachers during a basketball game while looking at the cheerleaders. You'll end up being sent to the special school for the nest four years. Not that I know from experience. That's just what I heard. From other people. Who aren't me.

Video tags: sex education, puberty, zoo

Overall Rating: 10/10

It encourages a person to find out as much as they can about puberty even if it means asking strangers about penis size.

Because the mentally handicap also need sex education.

Included: A peaceful opening song on acoustic guitar accompanying a retarded girl being picked up by a man in a car and presumably raped.

The video begins properly with the sternest man ever explaining how you need to train the handicap about sex, because they can't be taught, only trained.

 

Then I got distracted when the camera zoomed in and we started a staring contest. He won.

Sex training for the trainable begins with having them yell every euphemism for the penis they know. Also if this video is to be followed completely you need to have some Crosby Stills and Nash playing in the background.

Then you show them drawings of naked people. This lesson is best taught while everybody sits on an ugly shag carpet. The trainable all conclude that breasts are awesome. I don't know who decided they were retarded. These guys seem pretty on the ball to me.

AAAAAAAHHHH

When dealing with wet dreams it is important that the counselor be calm and understanding. There should be no scolding or incrimination. The sad thing is there were probably people watching this video and thinking to themselves "Maybe I should stop scolding the pheebs I deal with for bodily functions can't control and don't fully understand."

While talking about the mechanics of sex itself the scary narrator explains that the students are not confused by it, or by the introduction of different positions. Two things to note

1. They look pretty confused.

2. Nobody taught me about different positions. Why do they get a better sex education then I did?

Then there is the lesson on what to do when you walk in on somebody jerking off. Apparently you are suppose to give a speech and not awkwardly apologize and quickly leave. You especially aren't suppose to help. That shouldn't even have to be said.

Oh, but if a chick is fingering herself in front of the group she gets removed from the group. I'm not sure how this is a punishment because she gets to keep fingering but hey, I'm not the 70s.

The movie ends with the lesson that it is up to the family to teach morality, unless it involves teaching them to not rape, not be raped, and not take their wiener out at the zoo. Then its just a gallery of close ups of the handicapped. If you laugh you go to hell.

So What Did I Learn

It doesn't matter how intelligent or not intelligent somebody is. Teaching them about sex and basic sexual norms and expectations is better then chaining them to a wall, the preferred method of dealing the post adolescent handicapped until the 70s.

Names for the penis according to the mentally handicapped

Prick

Peter

Cock

Rod

Dick

Meat

Ding Dong

Wand

Weiner

Tool

Joint

Overall Rating: 5/10

I didn't really learn much. Its a video about teaching sex ed then not about sex ed itself. I'm never going to teach sex ed, nobody will give me that responsibility. However the soundtrack is fucking amazing. I love it. I wish I could buy it on vinyl so I could listen to it after a night of drinking strawberry wine.

Boys becoming men. Men becoming wolves.

Lieutenant Williams tells us he is a Lieutenant at the police station. He is also named Williams. In addition to being Lieutenant Williams he is on his way to the Monroe high school to talk to a group of young people. The sort you would find in a high school. He muses that hitchhiking is normal, a good way to get from one place to another. That is… IF YOU AREN'T PICKED UP BY A GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jimmy was a normal boy. Loved baseball and America too. Crazy about horses. Well one day he decided to catch a ride rather then walk home.

Jimmy didn't think anything was wrong. After all, the driver looked like Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's and wasn't a perverted zookeeper or anything. He didn't mention animal penises once. Jimmy didn't think anything was odd when the stranger gave him a friendly pat, said he would see him again, and played that music from ever 50s educational movie parody ever made.

The next day the stranger was at the park and gave Jimmy a ride to a local drive in. Jimmy didn't think much of this because they sold pastrami, and well shit, who doesn't like pastrami? Maybe a bunch of no good socialists but any red blooded all American boy would want to eat as much pastrami as possible.

At the drive in the older man told Jimmy some off color jokes, but Jimmy had heard jokes like that before, and really, the place serves French Dip. That just opens up the avenue for off color jokes.

The following Saturday they started using first names because Ralph, the pedophile, thought it would be more friendly. Remember when kids actually called adults who weren't their teacher by their last name? I don't. Ralph then showed Jimmy some pornographic pictures. What Jimmy didn't realize is that Ralph was sick. He didn't have a sickness you could see like smallpox or being a negro, no, he had a sickness of the mind. He was A HOMOSEXUAL

DUN DUN DUNNNN!

Jimmy didn't realize Ralph was a homosexual. Not even when he took him miniature golfing. Little did Jimmy realize that the only hole Ralph was interested in was not located on the putting green.

Jimmy eventually reported Ralph for abusing him and Jimmy was released on probation because apparently he is also guilty for letting a grown man rape him. It's the 50s after all. Jimmy should just be glad he isn't a woman.

At least Jimmy was luckier then Mike Merit. His homosexual killed his ass. Then he murdered him.

This story begins with Mike and his friends playing basketball at the local park. If he had played a real American sport, like baseball, then maybe Mike wouldn't have suffered this fate. But it is too late for speculation.

Mike never suspected the stranger at the park watching boys play basketball was a homosexual. After all he had on a tux and bot tie. Mike had never been warned about the homosexual's fabulous sense of fashion,

Mike rode away with the homosexual, trading away his life for a newspaper headline.

Speaking of newspapers Denny is folding some. He is a paperboy. A sexual delight any homosexual would give his oath to Stalin to obtain. Denny being trusting didn't think twice when a man in a suit and bow tie (do all homosexuals wear bow ties?) pulled up asking him to come with him to chase some scoundrels on stolen lifecycles. Jerry however did not get in the car, and wrote down the license plate number in case the driver turned out to be a communist.

Because Jerry took down the number Denny's homosexual killer was able to be caught and prosecuted for sodomy. Denny was returned to his home unharmed.

In addition to picking up teenagers for rides homosexuals also spy on young boys in the bathroom and then fallow them under the pier for some good old fashion butt rape. If that happens don't go under the pier. After all, homosexuals kill everybody they encounter for some reason that won't be explained. The only time you should trust stranger is if a parent or teacher tell you to. After all, parents and teachers don't sexually abuse people, right? Right? That's just gays who do that.

So What Did I Learn

Don't take rides with strangers, which I don't do because I assume they are all serial killers, not because I think they are gay serial killers.

Quotable Quote: He probably never realized until too late that he was riding with the shadow of death

Overall Rating 0/10

Why don't the gays who spend all their time seeking out teenage boys to sex and kill just have sex with each other and then not kill anybody, or kill a third party they didn't have sex with? Could it be because the 50s just assumed that gays and pedos were the same things? Or, more likely, its because those gays are communists. That must be it. Go America!