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The Ultimate Presidential Metal Band: An Analysis

I thought I'd knock two birds out with one boxing glove in this article by combining two pretty awesome things together. Having seen this site’s pretty awesome list about how Theodore Roosevelt was the greatest President of all time, I thought I’d chime in with my own insane views on America’s political past. By doing that, I'm going to write about how while it makes no sense whatsoever, gathering the most ball-breaking and badass Presidents from different eras together, it would make one of the greatest Heavy Metal bands of all time. I know there's a band out there called "The Presidents of the United States of America", but this band would legitimately be the Presidents of the United States of America. So they can suck it. I'm gonna go with a typical Metal Line-up, consisting of 5 members. Nothing special, except, y'know, that they're gonna be Presidents doing epic guitar solos and lighting enough pyrotechnics to set the White House on fire again. They're gonna one-up Jimi Hendrix's rendition of the National Anthem for sure. And make everyone Pledge Allegiance to the Flag, of the United States of Awesome.

First of all, this band needs a totally amazing singer and frontman. I'm not entirely sure of what most of the Presidents sounded like, but as far as I know, Calvin Coolidge didn't talk much, so he must've had a god damn sexy voice that was only reserved for the pearly gates of Heaven. I don't know how well he can rock, but if he was a main contributor to the Booming Twenties, maybe he knows how to have a good time. I'll consider him. My second choice for the frontman is William Henry Harrison, because he'd be zombie William Henry Harrison. Fuck it, zombie William Henry Harrison is the mascot, Coolidge is the frontman. The band's first hit single would clearly be, "You Lose", or maybe that'd be the name of Calvin's solo album when this band crashes and burns faster than you can say "Reaganomics". Although it probably wouldn't sound as cool as "Reaganomics".

This next section will talk about my primary choice for an ass-kicking Lead Guitarist, who will be blasting out melodies and solos with such precision and speed, that he'll open the time warp necessary to bring all of these dead guys back to life. This should only be done by the first, and arguably, one of the most awesome Presidents of all time: George Washington. His riffs would be so totally rad, that it'd chop down all cherry trees within an 80 mile radius. His picks would be made out of his own wooden teeth, and on occasion, a piece of King George's son-of-a-bitching-skull. How's that for metal? Yeah, I thought so.

Next up is the bassist of this band. I like a deep, melodic bass in my music; one that doesn't mind if it strays a bit from the main riff of the song. Slap bass is awesome, too, but not entirely necessary for this type of music. Finger-picking awesomeness is enough to deliver fair judgment upon this band by the Canadian Bass God, Geddy Lee. I like bass, and I'm primarily bias in favor of Andrew Jackson to have a badass place in this band. Jackson would make a great bassist, because he wouldn't take the shit that most bassists go through. If Washington takes the spotlight, Jackson wouldn't think twice about elbowing him in the balls and taking it for himself, delivering an ear-shattering, masterpiece bass solo. Sitting in the back is for pussies, unless you're a drummer, and Jackson isn't going to be the drummer, so that's irrelevant. Besides, his bass would be called "Old Hickory". It'd obviously be made of hickory, but would be painted red, red with the blood of Indians and Whigs. And the bank. Fuck yeah, Andrew Jackson.

Rhythm guitar is a role that I don't know all too much about, especially qualifications-wise. It's still cool nonetheless, but doesn't have the same ring as ass-kicking-Lead-Guitarist. I mean, they're probably entitled to a solo every once and a while, and dual guitar solos are what keep the Music Gods from purging the world with lightning bolts of fury, so they're most definitely necessary. However, they also have to deal with some shit. Being in the shadow of the Lead Guitarist sucks, and with our Lead Guitarist being Washington, I thought of it to be appropriate to make Rhythm Guitar the man who lived in the shadow of Washington; John Adams. He proved a pretty effective President in his own right, so by my convoluted theory of choosing band members, he should be an effective guitarist. Then his son would try to enter music, and beat Jackson on the Rock Music Chart, only to have his ass delivered to him 4 years later. Piss off, John Quincy Adams. Your dad's cool, though.

For the final member, I'll choose another 20th century President. Drummers, in my mind, especially in metal bands, should know how to rock out, wear sleeveless shirts, and go crazy. Kind of like that Muppet that plays the drums, but this time, he won't scare the shit out of me because he won't be made of felt. Thank God there won't be a Muppet President. Anyway, my Muppet phobias aside, my two choices for drummer would be either Ronald Reagan or Theodore Roosevelt. Reagan was an actor, so he could probably make live shows epic with some theatric feats of pure insanity that may or may not involve a live gorilla. On the other hand, I can see a lot of awesome drum set possibilities when the phrase "Big Stick" comes to mind. In order to allow both badasses to be a part of this band, I'll say that Reagan was initially let in, but died in an epic booze-related motorcycle incident, leaving TR to take over as resident badass drummer.


Mascot: Zombie William Henry Harrison

Vocals: Calvin Coolidge

Lead Guitar: George Washington

Bass: Andrew Jackson

Rhythm Guitar: John Adams

Drums: Theodore Roosevelt